Aibu to think my H has not quite grasped the concept of marriage?

[AnythingButMagnolia]

I have NC as identifying.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

I have recently resigned due to disability discrimination & failure of employer to make reasonable adjustments. Solicitor is dealing and advises I have a claim etc....

In the meantime, quite apart from the stress and worry caused, I am short of money.

I asked H for some money and was told "no that's my money, I work hard for that and you're not spending any if it as you will waste it"

We have two joint accounts - let's call them account 1 & account 2. My salary was paid into account 2 and this is the account all the bills get paid from.

H's salary goes into account 2 from which he withdraws a set amount to pay into account 1 to top it up to the level required to pay the bills.

He gives me (or did) an allowance each week to buy groceries etc.

Anything I needed above that would be discussed and if he agreed I needed it and was not frivolous etc then he would adjust the accounts to pay more money in so I could buy it, it give me the cash.

Although both accounts are joint accounts, I only have a debit card for account 1. Which is academic really as there is never any left over disposable money.

Account 2 he has the debut card and considers it "his" money.

Last time I checked, money in joint accounts if married couple was owned jointly regardless of who payed it in.

Also this morning he made me cry as he said I looked a right mess and my face was a mess as I'd picked a spot.

benefits calculator for you OP

Because you’re married you should have a claim on marital assets (I believe this includes the house). Can you speak to a solicitor and get a better idea of where you stand?

I’m sorry you’ve had such a shit time with work and your H

Re the marital home, and any other financial assets, the starting point is always 50% and you work from there. If he’s got no dc living with him, you can force him to either sell and give you what’s agreed (at least 50%, as above) or he can buy you out.

Before you move out, go to the bank and get the last 12 months worth of statements STRAIGHT AWAY! FOR BOTH ACCOUNTS! And then move 50% of all the money, from both accounts into an account that only you have access to.

Then go and talk to a decent solicitor.

Just for comparison...

In 2011 I was experiencing serious disability discrimination in my job. I was too unwell to pursue it and accepted a deal from my employer after my DH thoroughly encouraged me to quit. So that we could afford life in general, we moved to a new area.

I used my money to start a small business. DH covered all costs of running our flat. As he is a contractor, we set up a limited company and we both took identical salaries even though he brought in much more money than I ever did.

Since I had kids, I still get the same salary even though I make an absolute pittance. He should absolutely be supporting you, just as you would for him if the roles were reversed. When I earned more, I paid more. We are a team. When I inherited money, it went into a house for us.

If you google entitledto.com .... you can complete some information and it'll give you an idea what you can apply for. I think you could apply for JSA contribution as you've recently bern working or ESA if you feel currently you are too unwell to work. These in the first 26 weeks will not take household income into account after that it will look at household i believe (ie husbands earnings and savings) but it may give you some money to help you seek further help. If you leave and let up a new home with your child there are other benefits available.
You need to know or find out what he earns for estimating child maintenance and savings for what you may get half of.

In the short term for space and to think may think of a break to your dads and getting some benefits for yourself x

He wouldnt give you a tenner??

So, just to clarify, if he is only topping up the bills account, youre paying any and all money you get on bills, and hes just meeting the shortfall??? Wtf???

If you’re name is on the account then you’re entitled to access to it, you don’t need his consent. As discussed above, ask the bank for a card and copies of statements (you may have to pay for these if you don’t access them online).

It is completely obvious to all that he is horrible and you need to leave him for good. ALL money and everything else, including your pensions, that you aquire during you marriage are jointly yours and split fairly on divorce. Fairly starts at 50/50 and you may get more if you do more of the child care. In no way is it his money, now or in the future, it is yours. He is financially abusing you but that's immaterial if you split, which you clearly should do from this horrible man.

Can't you take DS with you?
If you want to sleep in another bed, he can't stop you?
And yes, it's abuse and I am sure you are going to be a lot happier without him.
Good luck.

Well done on deciding to leave. He is a horrible man. A marriage is equal and money is shared whether you or him earn different amounts. The fact you don’t know how much he earns is a huge red flag. And the fact that you want to leave to not have to sleep with him. Make him sleep on the sofa/spare room and get a bolt for your bedroom door if it makes you sleep better

Please just phone the bank and get a debit card to remove your half of the cash before you leave.

The day my OH and I moved in together we created one joint a/c into which both our salaries (and now pensions) went. We simply trusted - and continue to do so - to spend our joint money wisely; and to consult each other over any seriously major expences.

We have never fallen out over money in 48 years of being together.

If a couple do not have that level of trust and if one is holding the power and doling money out - and thinks you might spend it on fripperies - then I would suggest that is not a true partnership and you would be much better off without him.

@Mishappening how do you mean your pension goes into a joint account?? Pensions are usually in a personal pension scheme or in an occupational scheme and they belong to you individually (with potential to be split on divorce)

@Mishappening please ignore me and accept my apologies.. I was being thick. I realise now you mean the pensions you are currently receiving

take your son with you

If he forces himself into your bed call the police and get him chucked out. That will wipe the smile off his face. Go and see a legal aid solicitor for some advice.

If you are named on the account you can absolutely go into a beach and ask for the balance, a statement and order a card.
If you are going to leave him you can also place a freeze on the account so he can not withdraw any funds without your permission .

Please don’t leave your son behind
He needs you now more than ever

If both accounts are in joint names then you can ask the bank to give you a card for the account which you don’t have a card for.

If you go into the branch with photo ID they’ll print you a transaction list so you can see what your husband earns. Use this to open up discussions about money. Do a statement of income and outgoings. The branch will also order a card for you.

Enter your partner’s income details on the child maintenance service website to work out what you’d get in maintenance for your son if you split. This is now based on gross income. What goes into the bank is net (unless he is self employed) so google “how to work out gross income” to calculate this.

Use the “entitled to” website to work out what benefits or help you’d be entitled to if you split. It’s likely to be more than you think. You will in all likelihood have more disposable income than you have now. Knowing where you stand if you split will give you more confidence to tackle the issue and remove the fear of the unknown.

The current set up suits Your husband and he will be quite happy to keep it as it is as it keeps you in your place. The anger when you ask him how much he earns is to stop you pushing the issue. Nothing will change unless you take a stance. Go armed with facts and figures and have it all printed out from the bank when you speak to him. Also have income/expenses for household written down.

Look at ways to increase your income so that you have more independence. Childcare will have to be a family outgoing if it’s necessary to let you increase your income.

Your partner is behaving unpleasantly. You need to decide whether you want to stay in a relationship like this. How he reacts when you lay it out to him in black and white will inform that. If he’s keeping you short of money but he has plenty then that is controlling and is financial abuse so alarm bells should ring.

Good luck and stay on this forum, even if it takes you time to pluck up the courage to tackle him.

There is also the matter of the house if you split. Get legal advice as often posters on forums give well intended advice about these things but don’t get it quite right. Speak to a family law solicitor. Many offer a free half hour.

Good luck - the sooner you take the right stress s for you, the sooner your situation will improve.

Apologies, have said husband and partner interchangeably. I realise you’re not married and the post was written with knowledge of that.

I should also add that the branch will allow you to withdraw money in branch from the account you don’t have a card for while you wait for one to arrive. You’ll need photo ID.

My wife left her job to be a student which I fully supported we had a joint account for bills which I've covered totally since she left work. Although between tax credits ans student loans she received a similar amount to myself, she was expected me to pay for everything if our DC needed shoes and I said no I was selfish yet I paid every bill plus all the groceries and bills for two cars, She paid for nothing. I'm currently single and slowly paying off about 40k of credit card debt. I don't suggest this is your situation but you need to understand exactly where your husbands finances are at.

Re your house I think it depends on how you own it. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

Oh come off @singletomingle how exactly is your situation comparable? OP has said they have 2 joint accounts but she only has access to 1. That all bills come out of her account but he merely topped up. On what planet is that fair?!

You can go to the CAB for free advice and they can put you inTouch with local solicitors who can give you free or low cost consultation.

How long has this ‘arrangement’ regarding Account 2 been in place?

What’s the balance on it, and are there statements? Or have you access online to checking the balance (if it is paperless)?

When you were working, what access did you have to money? Out of Account 1 only?

Can you do up a spreadsheet of family costs - everything - and income? Are bills paid by standing order?

The above is just to get a grasp on how the changes circumstances translate into cash in and cash out. Not to prove he’s a dick (as he clearly is) but to do the hard sums. Which you will need to do if you are separating. Do it now.

I've been in exactly your position OP. I lost my job and my exH didn't help out one bit. In fact he still expected me to pay half of bills with no income!

Same for inheritances too, he twice inherited significant sums from family members and declared they were his money and he wasn't prepared to share any of it.

In the end, this was just one of the unreasonable behaviours I quoted on our divorce papers. Funnily enough he didn't have any response despite claiming he had been the model husband and had done nothing wrong.

Selfish, abusive arsehole. You've clearly alreadyade your mind up to get out of this relationship, what I would say is that you should take legal advice before leaving as other Ps have said. I managed to kick him out... It took a while of every single day saying, I asked you to leave, I want a divorce, but finally he left.

I did have slight advantage of having paid the entire deposit, him not sharing over 30k of inheritance and the house having lost lots of value so wouldnt have been worth his time to claim. Who would have thought the housing crash was a positive?