Aibu to think my H has not quite grasped the concept of marriage?

[AnythingButMagnolia]

I have NC as identifying.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible.

I have recently resigned due to disability discrimination & failure of employer to make reasonable adjustments. Solicitor is dealing and advises I have a claim etc....

In the meantime, quite apart from the stress and worry caused, I am short of money.

I asked H for some money and was told "no that's my money, I work hard for that and you're not spending any if it as you will waste it"

We have two joint accounts - let's call them account 1 & account 2. My salary was paid into account 2 and this is the account all the bills get paid from.

H's salary goes into account 2 from which he withdraws a set amount to pay into account 1 to top it up to the level required to pay the bills.

He gives me (or did) an allowance each week to buy groceries etc.

Anything I needed above that would be discussed and if he agreed I needed it and was not frivolous etc then he would adjust the accounts to pay more money in so I could buy it, it give me the cash.

Although both accounts are joint accounts, I only have a debit card for account 1. Which is academic really as there is never any left over disposable money.

Account 2 he has the debut card and considers it "his" money.

Last time I checked, money in joint accounts if married couple was owned jointly regardless of who payed it in.

Also this morning he made me cry as he said I looked a right mess and my face was a mess as I'd picked a spot.

Are you sure both are joint accounts? You should receive a bank statement for it addressed to both of you have you ever seen this? I’m worried he’s been transferring this money into an account only in his name?
Anyway, go to the bank today (if open) or Monday and get a statement, this will show how much is in there incase he decides to withdraw the lot in the days to come and hide it somewhere. If you can take some money out to keep you going.
Maybe the solicitor who is ha sling your claim could help with some legal advice too regarding all of this?
Good luck.

My understanding of your post is that while you were working your salary went into the bill account and your husband topped it up to cover the bills and kept the rest of his salary for him?

So for example you're paid 1000 a month bills are 1300 he put in 300 then kept the rest for him? This is grossly unfair.

With the other things you've said about asking him for money etc he sounds financially abusive. What is the rest of your relationship like?

As pp's have said yiu should be able to access that other account if it's joint. Do this and get the statements for a year at the very least. I think you should transfer half of the money to an account in just your name given you're not working.

The solicitor who is handling my discrimination claim only deals with employment matters unfortunately.

I have been into the bank and obtained a list of transactions and ordered a new card. Have not told H for obvious reasons. The bank said the new card should arrive on Tues or Weds. I will wait to see if H intercepts it or not.

Did you get a balance, is there a considerable amount in there?
Your solicitor may be able to give a good recommendation at least?

Good first steps. Have you been able to work out his income from the transaction list? If so then calculate what you’d be entitled to in terms of benefits and child maintenance.

If he intercepts the card then there are 2 options: ask the bank to deliver the card to your branch. Some banks will do this. Alternatively arrange a mail redirect with Royal Mail so that your mail goes elsewhere.

If these things are necessary then you’re dealing with a man who’ll employ sneaky underhand tactics to keep you short of money. You would be wise to get out of the relationship.

If you know when he gets paid you could go to the bank and empty the joint account the day it goes in.

You would be wise to set up another bank account in your own name.

Do not leave without your child. You’ll regret it and it will affect what financial help you’ll get if you leave - benefits and maintenance.

Get advice from a family lawyer before you decide what to do.

You know this is abuse don’t you op?

Another thought - If he intercepts the card then he may realise what you’re up to and move all of the money out. It would be wise to get there first.

Is he at work when the post is normally delivered? Would it come through the normal post? May be worth seeing if you can collect it at the branch if you have time to arrange this?

There is only about £50 in there. I didn't withdraw anything as don't want him to know what I'm doing. I want to see if he intercepts the new card. If it arrives he may just think it's a new card as the last one was issued about 3 yrs ago.

If it doesn't materialise I will know for sure he had taken it which will be further evidence of abuse- theft even?

The guy at the bank said there is another branch in a larger town which will issue cards on the same day if I go there with full ID as I did today, so I will try that later this week as well.

What he earns seems to vary by as much as £800 per month, I think this must be overtime.

There are regular large lump sums going out in DD which looks like he has a loan which I have no knowledge of. At least this must mean it (the loan) in his sole name. But still unreasonable to be paying out such large sums each month without discussing it.

He also regularly takes £50-100 out in cash, so that made me even sadder that he wouldn't give me £10 the other day. He must really hate me.

I also feel I am scared of him and what he will do if he finds out I have accessed 'his' account. He has never hit me just gets aggressive and angry and shouts at me and I end up crying. But I do wonder if I have Stockholm syndrome as I feel almost too scared to leave him sometimes, I'm not happy now but worry if I stir things up it will get worse and worry about the impact of his anger on DS & DS seeing me upset etc :(

I went out with my brother today (who doesn't work) and even he gave me £5 and bought me tea & cake.

To all intents and purposes I feel as if H & I are separated already. I live for the days when he is at work and I am not so that I have a 'free' day without him breathing down my neck.

Those days will be every day once you leave him. I'm still relieved to he single and I've been divorced for 18 years.