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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread for my DP: why I'm vulnerable unmarried

161 replies

Ebonyscrooge · 14/09/2018 17:11

Can you please comment saying precisely why I am vulberable as an unmarried mother of 2 who works part-time?

-House is jointly owned
-Joint Life insurance
-Pensions to be left to each other

My partner does not see how/why this leaves me still vulnerable.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
itisthattimeagain · 14/09/2018 20:00

Having time with your kids is the best thing ever. I consider myself lucky to be able to stay at home full time ( even if it is challenging at times.) I couldn't put a price on this.

I've changed careers before and it's not been an issue. I think many Netters scares people into working to ease their guilt that they aren't SAHMs.

AngelsSins · 14/09/2018 20:01

Working fulltime in my field whilst having young children is not sustainable. 90% of the women I know in my field with children work part-time

And what about the men with children in your field? If it’s so hard, surely they don’t work full time either?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 20:02

Oh to add: if you split up and are married, you've a much better chance of remaining in the house with the kids, at least until they reach adulthood, giving you some time to get your ducks in a row and make savings/try to earn more by the time you have to sell up, if that's the decision.

AngelsSins · 14/09/2018 20:04

I've changed careers before and it's not been an issue. I think many Netters scares people into working to ease their guilt that they aren't SAHMs

It’s absolutely fine to be a stay at home mum, but if you (general you, not you personally) aren’t married, you’re putting yourself, and potentially your kids, in a vulnerable position. So don’t then moan that you’re in a vulnerable position!

Prestonsflowers · 14/09/2018 20:06

Op, I saw your other thread and I understand your reasons for not working full time also your reason for this post.
If he refuses to marry you, you’re on a hiding to nothing.
You have no financial security at all. Wills can be changed, as an unmarried partner you have very little recourse in law.
You will have your share of the house and fuck all else

FermatsTheorem · 14/09/2018 20:13

Dear OP's DP,
This is what one of my closest friends (female) said of her decision to get married, having spent years saying "marriage is a meaningless piece of paper."

"If I really mean it when I say it's a meaningless piece of paper, then it should be no skin off my nose either way - do it, don't do it, shouldn't affect my happiness one way or the other. For DP, however, it matters to him very much. And I love him very much. So, all other things being equal (which they are) I should just get on and do it to make him happy."

She did, and they are very happy together.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 20:15

Just seen your other thread.

It sounds as though your partner is wealthy enough for the IHT exemption alone to be worth marrying for. It also sounds as though he is fully aware that marriage would fairly compensate you for your sacrifices.

Mean with money, mean with love.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 20:15

It's not a piece of paper anyway. Or if it is, no more so than house deeds, a £50 note or a passport.

HeckyPeck · 14/09/2018 20:20

What are your partner’s reasons for not wanting to get married? Has he ever said?

HeckyPeck · 14/09/2018 20:23

I think many Netters scares people into working to ease their guilt that they aren't SAHMs

That’s a very odd assumption to make. People aren’t trying to scare OP into working. They’re pointing out that she is in a vulnerable position choosing to work PT when she isn’t protected by marriage. That’s her choice of course, but it’s right for people to point out that it doesn’t come without risks.

user1492863869 · 14/09/2018 20:25

You are vulnerable because you work part time and that compromises your career and pension and because he is under no legal obligation to redress your career sacrifice if you split. There are potentially state benefits that you would not be able to access if he died. However the government is obliged to review their policy in relation to cohabitees following a court case.

I think you need to make the case as to why he should get married to you. Be aware he will be conscious that he stands to lose a significant amount of his assets if he marries and then you divorce. That's why people don't want to marry.

Nb: lots of single parent and married parents work FT in every conceivable field. You can work FT, its choice not to and part of the reason you are vulnerable. Having Children outside is also a choice which you made. You are an adult, don't rely on him or blame him for you decisions. Make you own case with the man you chose to have children with.

girlsyearapart · 14/09/2018 20:27

Because if you get married now you won’t have to do it if one of you is terminally ill just to make sure you get the correct financial benefits.

Original poster
Ebonyscrooge · 14/09/2018 20:48

No. I can not work FT in my field with a family. Absolutely no way. I agree that finances are important but nowhere newr as important as health.

OP posts:
subspace · 14/09/2018 20:52

Go and get proper financial advise from somebody who is qualified, not from us load of strangers. I'd bet my bottom dollar he already has and is making sure he'd be alright financially in the future come what may. Whether you choose to work pt, ft or not at all is obviously entirely up to you, but knowledge is power and I can see that getting proper financial advice would be a very helpful thing for you.

Loopytiles · 14/09/2018 20:56

Any scope to move towards less stressful / long hours but well paid work?

Does your H work PT in order to be a parent? Doubt it.Would he do 50% of the parenting and domestic work should you wish to maintain your earning power? Doubt it. Is he unaware of the legal and financial implications of marriage? Being truthful about his reasons not to marry you? Doubt it!

So he is wealthy. He clearly knows that should you marry and then break up he would essentially have to share some of that wealth with you because the law would require it. He doesn’t wish to do that.

Prestonsflowers · 14/09/2018 21:04

subspace is absolutely right

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/09/2018 21:05

If you are looking after your partner's children x number of days per week so that he can work, how much is he paying you for this?

I suggest you look at what a childminder/nanny would charge per hour - and your partner can give you half of this amount.

After all, if you went back to work that's what the childcare would cost - and you are both equally liable for paying someone else to care for your children so that you can work.

itisthattimeagain · 14/09/2018 22:14

Look I know husbands that hide assets and give thing away rather than give 50% to their wives on divorce.

I pay into my pension as much as my DP does and I don't earn anything as a SAHP. I have no desire to get married. I do not feel vulnerable.

If it's an issue for you OP call his bluff, but it really depends if you want to spilt up your family when you are ok as you are.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 22:34

it really depends if you want to spilt up your family when you are ok as you are.

"As you are" is the key point here. Things change. Life happens. You don't need protection when everything's rosy, you need it when something goes wrong. I am sorry to say that this can happen to anyone at any time.

Something tells me that you know this. Coupled with your frankly weird (and a bit try hard) earlier post about all working mothers wishing they were SAHM tells me that you may not have the most noble motives in this debate. At any rate, you've certainly nothing to contribute to it.

HeckyPeck · 14/09/2018 22:45

I do not feel vulnerable.

You might not feel vulnerable, but as a SAHP without the protection of marriage you are vulnerable.

Atlantea · 14/09/2018 22:46

I pay into my pension as much as my DP does and I don't earn anything as a SAHP. I have no desire to get married. I do not feel vulnerable.

so how do you pay in to your pension if you dont earn anything? where is your money coming from?
What would happen if you and your DP split up?

but it really depends if you want to spilt up your family when you are ok as you are.
or maybe OP doesnt want to/cant gamble on the future, how many of us think that we are in true love and nothing will ever come between us? Have you not read the 'my bastard ex' threads, where he wont do fuck all to provide for their DC? or put their partners on the streets?

why on earth you would think of procreating with someone and putting yourself in a vulnerable position is a good idea?

Dont get married, but also dont stop your career either

tillytown · 15/09/2018 01:46

Op, your husband isn't a idiot, he knows exactly what he is doing, how vulnerable he has made you, he just doesn't care. Please take a moment and ask yourself what has gone so wrong in your relationship that your boyfriend won't listen to you, so you had to resort to getting random people on the internet to prove your point to him. That's not normal.

tillytown · 15/09/2018 01:47

Oops, I meant partner not husband

notangelinajolie · 15/09/2018 01:48

Why are you wanting to marry someone who doesn't want to be married to you?

DonkeyPlease · 15/09/2018 01:49

It's not exactly romantic to say to someone I want to get married so if we spilt up I get a fair share of your pension. Geez.

Hmm yes because the most important thing to think of when you're about to bring a new life into this world is "will my man think this is romantic enough for him?"

Jesus wept. Children need parents who have minimized their vulnerabilities to misfortune... Who wants to see their mother destitute because their father has had a head injury and can't remember who she is and now he's gay or something?

Romance isnt even in the top 10 of things that should be considered in the runup to having a child. The fact you seem to think it is, is worrying.

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