Concerned husbands "new" job

[RURU345]

Hi I didn't really want to put this on the AIBU section as I know most would scream "affair" every time I've mentioned my husbands job in the past no matter what I'm asking that's all I hear.

Anyway this will sound very OTT and I don't think anyone can actually answer me however. My husband was with the Royal Marines for 20 years. He's retired now and for years said he would work nights in a factory while getting his pension. It wouldn't quite be enough to live on. I told him that he could not do that job as it would not be enough for him and should do private security in the Middle East. Good money too however he said he's had enough of putting his life in danger. (Hope he would have said it's because he would want to spend more time with me and dds 😜)

Well now he said he has been asked to still do "jobs" for the marines. Although won't tell me what he's doing. To be honest I never asked before so don't really want to start now as it doesn't really matter where he is ( when training of course/ war and tours are totally different). He wasn't really keen on FB and never had his own but now he's said I shouldn't be on it so much as you don't know who's watching. He's said I put too much crap on about my life. He's asked me, his mum and brothers not to put photos of him on Facebook. He's away 2-4 months at a time whereas before although away a lot used to come home most weekends. I know people will scream affair but unless you've lived this life you don't know. We had a holiday booked in August and he said we couldn't go as the place we were going to isn't the right time to be going but then said we could go a few months later. He has never saved money and has been crap at paying bills. He's got a couple of thousand saved at the min as I transfer it to his account from the joint and I can see it's there he has said we can't use that towards fixing the car as he needs two months wages kept safe. I'm just worried that he's doing something even more dangerous than his last job. That was horrendous enough but at least I knew. Obviously some men are doing jobs we have no clue about who have to keep it secret. I can't ask him or anyone and I know no one on here can help on here.

If I get lots of affair replies I will ha e to see if I can get this deleted as I've had that on here god years. As of yet over the past 15 years I've not had any concerns.

James Bond or with his other wife, I'd say.

I can understand the whole FB thing, i have a friend like that, likes to be off the grid and is a private person.
Nothing here scream affair to me, i think he's in an adjusting period that's all

I’m not sure what you are asking, are you wondering if the job really exists or if it’s cover for an affair? Because I would have thought you would be able to tell if he is earning money or not.
With regard to the job it sounds like he wanted to do something safer, you vetoed that in favour for something better paid but that involved risk and time away and he is now doing something that involves time away and also probably risk as he can’t/won’t talk about it. I would have thought even if he can’t say exactly what he is doing that as a couple you should be able to have a conversation about what level of risk you are both willing to have him face in the future. You don’t need to know the exact nature of his job to ask if there is a risk to his life surely? Is the problem that he doesn’t seem to be making a lot of sense? Not being willing to use savings for the car does seem inflexible but it also seems like a good goal to have some savings. Do you feel like he seems a bit paranoid? Is that the issue?

It does sound very "black ops" - he could be CIA or something I suppose

Do you trust him? If yes then you just have to live with it.

I’m not sure what you’re asking?

To be honest if you can't even ask him and talk about it it could be anything from the secret services to secret double life complete with wife and kids. You will of course imagine it to be of the secret services variety but in truth if you can't talk about it it could be anything. Literally anything, and the cover story is so utterly perfect you would literally never know.

Are you happy having so little engagement with what must be a huge influence on your life? To the point of not knowing where your husband is for months at a time? How long will you be okay with it? What could you possibly do about it if you stopped??

Sounds like your husband's got you over a barrel. Whether that's deliberate on his part or a necessity of his job not a single soul here can tell you. It does sound suspiciously to me though like you're the one enabling the lack of information by not asking - it's not like he's told you explicitly that he can't tell you - and that rings alarm bells for me. I would have thought in situations where this were a legitimate secrecy (and you'd have experience of this) there were at least some confirmations of the nature of his employment, such as salary payments from the Royal Marines on his bank accounts. But you've got nothing. And you're not asking for anything either.

Actually, I think you're nuts.

Drug dealer?

It doesn't seem like affair to me, what it makes me wonder is could his work be involving secret missions, private investigating, etc where he has to do his job without revealing his real identity, (if photos of him are on Facebook it could blow their cover)..

What’s your actual question? Do you want to know if we think he’s having an affair? Or do you want to know what job we think he is doing? Or....?

Any chance he’s MI5/6? Although he sounds too disorganised and chaotic to be either. All the people I know who where highly likely to be working for MI5/6 were focused, intense, highly educated, very clear and carefully planned ‘Work moves’. Sounds like he might be free-lancing something a bit undesirable/dangerous.

Mercenary

I know someone who does work like this and behaves like this too. It probably is more dangerous than his old work but it's the risk you take unless he does other security work that is less interesting and pays a lot less money.

I know someone who does work like this

Like what? We don’t know what he does, do we?

he could be CIA or something I suppose

Yup, because the American intelligence services are just crying out for British ex-soldiers to work freelance.

He sounds more paranoid then anything, if you ask me. The whole "you don't know who's watching" and warning not to go to certain places just screams conspiracy theorist or fantasist or yes, second home and family.

People who are ex-military and working in security in the middle east or whatever are exceptionally well paid for hte risks they're taking. They wouldn't be telling their wives the ins and outs of every day at work, but the wife would know they're in Iraq or wherever, and when to expect them back. The reason they do it is for the money - someone who's skint and not paying bills isn't in this line of work. Sounds dodgy, whatever he's doing.

Even people who are required to sign the Official Secrets Act are allowed to tell their spouses certain things. DH works in a pretty sensitive occupation where they deal with things affecting national security. I know where he works and roughly what he does. I don't know the details because I don't need to know.

I do no roughly what he does as he says it what he did before.

Exactly PolkerrisBeach.

And actually OP, as Polkerris mentions, are you quite sure he's entirely stable? I don't mean this in any way to cause you offence, but you sound quite bought-in to this story line, but if you took a step back for a second is his behavior otherwise rational? Your story about fixing the car and using Facebook less for example make it sound like perhaps it isn't...

Plus I didn't say we are skint

No but you said he doesn’t save money and is crap at paying bills...
What are you asking? Not being an arse, I just genuinely can’t figure it out from the OP. You said you know what he does and know he isn’t having an affair, so what’s the problem?

I know someone who was in the marines and we knew where he was on duty. When he left, however, he said he was in 'security' but what actually was doing was guarding ships against pirates. It was private work and I know that he killed the pirates sometimes as well. I'm not even sure that this was legal tbh. He was against fb and social media as was his wife, he really needed to be low-key. Not sure what else has done - possibly other dodgy stuff. So your man could be part of something secret/dangerous as well, not necessarily an affair but another secret type of life.

Is it really feasible that the Marines keep on someone retired for freelance work? Nah, not when you've a crop of young, fit men to take their place.

Also, the going rate for security in places like Iraq is upwards of $500 per day - it's exceptionally well paid.

So he's either mixed up in something dodgy, having an affair, or is a fantasist living out his "being a spy" dreams.

Is he being paid? Do you see his wages coming in?

What is the actual question here?

Yes. Is he being paid and paid well?

I know someone who has a family member in the special forces. She has to be VERY careful with SM, she cannot mention him and definitely no photos. He has said she shouldn't really have Facebook but she won't get rid of it. You can't Google her either, no results would show. She also doesn't know where he goes and what he does.

I'd get this deleted and talk to him instead. If he's trying to keep you safe, listen to him.

This stuff goes on and it's often done by reserve forces. Chasing pirates happens too! I know a guy that does both of these things and and I've now trained DH not to ask him about his secret squirrel stuff.