Concerned husbands "new" job

[RURU345]

Hi I didn't really want to put this on the AIBU section as I know most would scream "affair" every time I've mentioned my husbands job in the past no matter what I'm asking that's all I hear.

Anyway this will sound very OTT and I don't think anyone can actually answer me however. My husband was with the Royal Marines for 20 years. He's retired now and for years said he would work nights in a factory while getting his pension. It wouldn't quite be enough to live on. I told him that he could not do that job as it would not be enough for him and should do private security in the Middle East. Good money too however he said he's had enough of putting his life in danger. (Hope he would have said it's because he would want to spend more time with me and dds 😜)

Well now he said he has been asked to still do "jobs" for the marines. Although won't tell me what he's doing. To be honest I never asked before so don't really want to start now as it doesn't really matter where he is ( when training of course/ war and tours are totally different). He wasn't really keen on FB and never had his own but now he's said I shouldn't be on it so much as you don't know who's watching. He's said I put too much crap on about my life. He's asked me, his mum and brothers not to put photos of him on Facebook. He's away 2-4 months at a time whereas before although away a lot used to come home most weekends. I know people will scream affair but unless you've lived this life you don't know. We had a holiday booked in August and he said we couldn't go as the place we were going to isn't the right time to be going but then said we could go a few months later. He has never saved money and has been crap at paying bills. He's got a couple of thousand saved at the min as I transfer it to his account from the joint and I can see it's there he has said we can't use that towards fixing the car as he needs two months wages kept safe. I'm just worried that he's doing something even more dangerous than his last job. That was horrendous enough but at least I knew. Obviously some men are doing jobs we have no clue about who have to keep it secret. I can't ask him or anyone and I know no one on here can help on here.

If I get lots of affair replies I will ha e to see if I can get this deleted as I've had that on here god years. As of yet over the past 15 years I've not had any concerns.

He goes away for 2 - 4 months at a time? He should be rolling in money then, where are you transferring the money into his account from? Is it his pension? Surely he is being paid lots and wouldn't need money to be transferred.

Yes I also don’t understand why you’re transferring him money?

I think the income would point to whether he’s actually employed doing something risky.

Really doubt it’s going to be related to the Marines other than (possibly) he’s working with an old colleague in private security of some sort.

Some of the more obvious stuff to consider - what does his passport look like? Visas and entry / exit stamps should give you an idea of where he’s been going. Does he come back more tanned than he left? Does his kit look well used / abused or is it still in the same state when he comes back as when he leaves with it? Does he take hiking boots and outdoor clothing away with him?

If your DH has told you he is secret services or similar you probably shouldn't be hinting at it on an open forum.

I'm still serving and my hubby is now out but I'm struggling to see (although it's not impossible) for regular reserve deployments for that length of time?? Does he bring his kit home after every job? Can you see a wage going in?

I have a few friends that work on the rigs off Africa etc, but why lie about being with the marines??

Where were you going on holiday? if we deploy we shouldn't have Israel stamps in our passports. Turkey is heightened but it's not a no go holiday zone.

This sounds like True Lies. Does he look like Arnie?

I don’t jump to the conclusion of affair but I know I couldn’t live like this, with so much secrecy. He may be encouraged not to tell you, but he’s under no legal obligation to not tell you at least who he’s working for.

I am ex Army although not Special Forces. Those guys are very quiet about what they do BUT they do share it with their wives; maybe not details but certainly where they're going. If he's doing some security work abroad, he can expect to be v well paid. We had a friend who was ex Parachute Reg, went to do security in Iraq after he left and was educating 3 kids privately on the salary! I think looking at his bank statement will help a lot. Also his passport. If it's outside of EU it'll have stamps in it. Does he pack his old Marines stuff/equipment when he goes? Intriguing!

My ex did security abroad and he earned a LOT of money.... he couldn't say a lot about exactly where he was but he stayed in regular touch with the kids.
It just all sounds a bit off.....

Definitely James Blonde

If he did his full career 20years and is RM he has a reserve call up clause. The other thing is some RM and Reg blokes do a SFSG rotation, now this where it can get tricky.

He may have joined back up as RM reserves, and be on a SFSG rotation by choice, it's not superstar money like CP work though. It also depends on his clearance on what jobs he is doing. If he's DV cleared he will be on restricted need to know jobs.

He may feel your openness on social media a risk so doesn't tell you everything just incase, but again this is dependant on what job he is actually doing. If he joined regular to reserve he would have got a nice bounty payment, did you ever see a windfall of cash come in?

At the end of the day it's very realistic that the MOD would still be happy to take a 20year careers seasoned professional as a reserve with combat experience and as long as he's always been pretty much injury free he would pass medicals.

But really if he's going to "dangerous places" has a wide and a family he needs to at least give you a fucking heads up! What if he comes back in a box, that would be a bit difficult to explain to everyone! So he's being selfish, because he's also cutting off support options for you.

Can you ask him openly to explain who is employer is MOD or civilian company?

Sorry phone decided to get rid of paragraphs!!

Hi. He does get to in contact at least every couple of days. On FaceTime and can use what's app to call but can't have a sim card in his phone. I've not seen his passport for ages and I wouldn't know what I was looking for as when he was in the marines it had stamps in it already.

I don't really know what I'm asking I'm just frustrated.

I don't think it's anything illegal as I know his old boss and he asked him to go in for a meeting with some other guys I know but I don't know if it was for him to work for them or someone else.

He pays mortgage / all the bills but I wouldn't say he is on an amazing wage so I don't think he is doing security or maritime / pirate work as I know that's good money. He know people doing that.

Anyway there is no point continuing this post as most don't believe me and the ones that do thank you. x

People that ha e said they couldn't cope with this like. I've done it for the past 15 y are when he was in the marines so it's out life now and the kids don't know any different.

The bottom bit should have said:

People that have said they couldn't cope with this life. I've done it for the past 15 years when he was in the marines so it's our life now and the kids don't know any different.

Sorry

Most people don’t believe you about what? Most people are just confused as to what you’re asking. What is it you’re frustrated about? What would you like to change?

Sounds like he's signed back on then OP on a reserve basis but is being used.

The Army/Navy are struggling to recruit and get young men through basic training. Some of the recruits coming out of basic now are shocking and you really wouldn't trust them in combat situations. They are like wet flannels and that's if they get through! Many are failing selection for Reg and RM.

The MOD have a huge retention issue too, so all the experienced good soldiers are leaving because higher paid CP work is better for them.

At least he is in contact when out there that's the main thing. So no, you may not know where and what exactly but it's a small silver lining.

Good luck OP.

The fact that you’re having to transfer him money means it’s highly unlikely he’s going away for work. Whatever job it was, he’d be getting paid for it. Whether you want to hear it or not, an affair seems more likely. Either that or perhaps he’s being hospitalised for something like ptsd or something?

It’s the money thing that screams ‘bollocks’ to me. As ex forces, if he’s now doing private security of some sort, or contracting back to the marines he’d be on an absolute shed load of money. We’re talking well over 6 figures per year. However you are saying he’s skint and you transfer money to his account

He must be doing some sort of work as he pays for everything. I don't work at the min. So he's definitely getting paid.

So you’re asking for replies but only if they don’t contain a secret wife/other woman?

I’m not going to lie just to please you that defeats the point of asking for help or opinions

Yes your husband is probably having an affair and although I understand you don’t want to admit that, burying your head in the sand isn’t going to change the blatant obvious signs

He’s either having an affair or he’s gotten himself into some dodgy shit where he’s some secret spy. I think I know which one is the more likely option

But whether he’s having an affair or he’s the next James Bond it doesn’t really matter - what matters is that for whatever reason your husband is living a secret life that you know nothing about. I would definitely be getting shit together if I was you

I have a friend who's husband is in the police and she can't post picture's of him on facebook.

If it was piracy security it wouldn't be a massive secret.
My DP is a former Marine and loads of his colleagues do it.
It all sounds a bit odd to me. I'd keep asking questions

He sounds on rotation or something. Just ask him if it's private or civilian. If he goes all secret squirrel on you then get him to set up last pass which holds info for you to be given to a solicitor or whoever is named when you pass away.

I don't know anyone in a secretive job, even my neighbours are boringly predictable. Or perhaps that's their cover:)

$500 a day to put your life on the line is not 'excsptionally well paid'.

Having said that people do v important jobs all the time and earn bugger all, so....

Well now he said he has been asked to still do "jobs" for the marines

Yup, I call BS. The marines don’t sub contract warfighting.

Sure, there are contractor jobs out there (in the ME) for various security companies. They even contract to government and non government agencies. The money is very good. The job security depends on contract tenure.

He sounds like s bit of a Walt tbh.