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Original poster

Please can someone give me some advice without judging me?

81 replies

Destinysdaughter · 13/09/2018 20:45

I’ve recently come out of a long relationship with someone who was separated. He was a lovely guy but we were not compatible. I wasn’t looking to meet someone else but a mutual friend set me and this guy up. I wasn’t expecting anything but me and J got on like a house on fire! Great, but... he’s married. He said that he and his wife have hardly have sex since the birth of his second child. His wife has ‘ alliwed’ him to meet women through the swinging scene to have sex with as a way of keeping them together although she no longer wants to have sex with him.

Since we met, we’ve spoken or texted every day, he’s stayed overnight at mine 4 Times. He’s said he was only staying with her until his youngest spn went to Uni. He went on Tues. I believe he’s genuinely unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage but I really don’t want to be the OW. I

know I will get a lot of judgement on here and I’ve read so many threads on here from women whose husbands have been unfaithful to them. I’d really appreciate some advice from anyone who could kindly tell me what you think I should do in this situation. I do believe what he is saying. We met through a swinging website and he’s stopped seeing anyone else and has asked me to do the same. Our relationship is not even based on sex, it’s more about an intellectual and emotional connection that I haven’t felt with anyone for years and I know he feels the same. I know all the old cliches that married men say to entice women in but I’d just like to know, is this a possibility that this guy is genuine and how can I know?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/09/2018 20:47

So is he leaving his wife then? If not, tell him he's a hypocrite expecting you to be exclusive when he's married.

Hushnownobodycares · 13/09/2018 20:48

What do I think you should do?

Run for the hills.

He's having his cake and eating it.

sofato5miles · 13/09/2018 20:48

Whatever his marriage situation is, I hope I never get an emotional connection with someone I met on a swingers site.....

Beaverhausen · 13/09/2018 20:50

Oh lawd the ol "not having sex anymore".. yep you are being taken for a kipper but hey if you like to be used as someones bootycall then go for it.

mimibunz · 13/09/2018 20:50

Honestly I wouldn’t believe him or even trust this affair. Meeting on a swingers website doesn’t bode well for either of you in terms of settling down.

Cardiganandcuppa · 13/09/2018 20:51

So youve spoken to his wife to verify this then?

SendintheArdwolves · 13/09/2018 20:51

If he's on the level, then ask to meet his wife. If she is truly fine and the relationship is open by mutual consent, there shouldn't be a problem.

If he stalls or gives excuses like :
"She's said she's happy for me to have sex with other people but she doesn't want to know about it"
"She is suffering from depression/other health issues and now isn't the right time"
"Our agreement is unspoken"

...dump and run.

And even if he's on the level, and the relationship is open, he has stated clearly that she and he will remain together for years. Are you sure you want to be someone's secondary partner? Open relationships can be great, but they are tough. Are you sure that's what you want?

LorelaiRoryEmily · 13/09/2018 20:53

You were set up by a friend and you met through a swinging website?

Anyway I’m not judging you but I think you already know the answer. He’s not going to leave his wife. Move on a find someone who’s available to give you what you need

Rainbowqueeen · 13/09/2018 20:53

The arrangement he has with his wife clearly suits him

The question is does it suit you? Think really hard about what you want. It sounds like you are already not happy and resentment is likely to creep in and sour the relationship

I would end it and block all forms of communication. Focus on you and what you want.

Whocansay · 13/09/2018 20:53

You are the OW.

Try and read what you have written with objective eyes. If he wanted to leave, he would leave. How old is the youngest child? How long is he expecting you to wait?

popsanddolls · 13/09/2018 20:54

I think he is having the best of both worlds and scared to jump ship. I'd walk away. If he wants you he will leave his wife and be with you xx

mogratpineapple · 13/09/2018 20:55

Well if the dc is about to go to uni and he doesn't get sex anyway - he can wait a bit longer. Stop seeing him until he's free.

gamerchick · 13/09/2018 20:55

wasn’t looking to meet someone else but a mutual friend set me and this guy up

We met through a swinging website

So which one is it?

Deadringer · 13/09/2018 20:57

I think you would be very foolish to plan a future with someone who has been unfaithful to his wife for many, many years, and who hooks up with people on a swingers site. I think he is using you. However maybe he is the one in a million who is genuine. Tell him you like him but will not be the ow, what he does after that will tell you all you need to know.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 13/09/2018 20:57

Well, his youngest son went off to uni on Tuesday, and there has no Shakespearean recoupling and he is still with his wife. So, there's your answer...

Try someone single who isn't a swinger next time for the emotional connection you're looking for, perhaps.

dirtybadger · 13/09/2018 20:58

His wife said he claims he could have sex with other people. You're in an exclusive you not him relationship with him.
So best case scenario he is still being deceitful because you aren't just having sex for him to get his end away like he says his wife permitted.

Anyway, he can leave her now. Right?

My friends mum has been having a relationship with a married man for over 10 years. The wife knows (she definitely does) but he "can't leave" because she threatens to kill herself. So the OW just plays second fiddle (well, and the wife).

Don't waste your time!

If he means it, he will leave. And if he does leave, I would be very very cautious because if he has been telling any sort of lies to his wife, there's not much to ensure he doesn't repeat the same mistakes

category12 · 13/09/2018 21:01

If he's genuinely in an open relationship, you should be able to speak to his wife. If he won't let you open a dialogue, you know he's a big old liar.

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/09/2018 21:01

You might not want to be the ow, but you already are!

He's fed you almost every line ever said by a cheating man, and you have to ask if this guy is possibly genuine? Really? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Will women ever learn?

AnyFucker · 13/09/2018 21:02

Is he separated or not ?

I am a bit surprised at you, DD

You have always come across as a poster with your head screwed on. In this instance, you are thinking with your fanny. That never ends well.

IdahoJones · 13/09/2018 21:02

How did you actually meet?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/09/2018 21:08

Bit late not to be the OW isn't it?

Butterymuffin · 13/09/2018 21:11

Tell him to get in touch with you when he's ended his marriage and is ready for a proper relationship. Someone who genuinely felt for you would do that.

FermatsTheorem · 13/09/2018 21:23

"His wife doesn't have sex with him".

Sorry, OP, that's the oldest line in the book. You're being played, his wife is being cheated on and he's living the life of Reilly. Dump and run (not on moral grounds, since you've said you want to duck that question) but on the purely pragmatic basis that these situations always go tits up, and both the wife and the OW get emotionally battered while the bloke walks away thinking he's some sort of stud out of a Jilly Cooper novel.

NotTheFordType · 13/09/2018 21:31

His wife has ‘ alliwed’ him to meet women through the swinging scene to have sex with as a way of keeping them together although she no longer wants to have sex with him.

Have you confirmed this with her? That would be the norm in open/poly/swinger relationships

If you haven't then I'd assume she's blissfully unaware and you're the ow.

Deathgrip · 13/09/2018 21:36

So he’s asked you to stop seeing other people while he’s still married? Nice.

Tell him you’re not going to be the other woman. If his marriage is dead, he can leave it and then you can talk - if you have such a connection and his wife is such a burden to him, shouldn’t be a problem, should it?