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Original poster

Please can someone give me some advice without judging me?

81 replies

Destinysdaughter · 13/09/2018 20:45

I’ve recently come out of a long relationship with someone who was separated. He was a lovely guy but we were not compatible. I wasn’t looking to meet someone else but a mutual friend set me and this guy up. I wasn’t expecting anything but me and J got on like a house on fire! Great, but... he’s married. He said that he and his wife have hardly have sex since the birth of his second child. His wife has ‘ alliwed’ him to meet women through the swinging scene to have sex with as a way of keeping them together although she no longer wants to have sex with him.

Since we met, we’ve spoken or texted every day, he’s stayed overnight at mine 4 Times. He’s said he was only staying with her until his youngest spn went to Uni. He went on Tues. I believe he’s genuinely unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage but I really don’t want to be the OW. I

know I will get a lot of judgement on here and I’ve read so many threads on here from women whose husbands have been unfaithful to them. I’d really appreciate some advice from anyone who could kindly tell me what you think I should do in this situation. I do believe what he is saying. We met through a swinging website and he’s stopped seeing anyone else and has asked me to do the same. Our relationship is not even based on sex, it’s more about an intellectual and emotional connection that I haven’t felt with anyone for years and I know he feels the same. I know all the old cliches that married men say to entice women in but I’d just like to know, is this a possibility that this guy is genuine and how can I know?

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 13/09/2018 21:39

Men do say things like that you know, they're famous for it.
I'm not keen on the idea of him 'swinging' either. I thought it was couples who did swinging, not one person alone, in which case presumably his wife went along too. All sounds quite dodgy to me.

However, now his son is off to uni, wait and see if he gets in touch and take it from there. Please don't be too disappointed if he doesn't or if he does and still hasn't parted from wife.

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 13/09/2018 21:39

AnyFucker yes I know which is why I didn’t hide and change my username. I’ve been involved in the fetishish/ swinging scene for many years and I know what goes on there. His 18 year old son left for Uni on Tues. He’s been involved in the swinging scene for over 10 years His justification for why he was
genuine about me is that he could carry on seeing other women with the ‘blessing’ of his wife. He’s stopped seeing anyone else and has asked me to not see anyone else either. I was v resistant to seeing him but we just had such an amazing connection ( not sexual ) that I think I didn’t really think through the ramifications of what it really involved.

I do appreciate all the comments, including the harsh ones as I’m really struggling to do the right thing here.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/09/2018 21:55

So in that case, can you talk to his wife?

AnyFucker · 13/09/2018 22:01

It's obvious, love

Verify everything he has said with his wife.

Swinging is open and honest, right ? Then he will have no problem with you telling his wife about your "relationship"

Ohyesiam · 13/09/2018 22:04

Exclusive? He’s in a relationship with someone else love.

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 13/09/2018 22:06

That’s an interesting suggestion. From what he’s said it seems like they’ve grown apart, don’t have aex anymore, she agreed to him having sex with other woman as she’d lost interest but still wanted the marriage, is a committed mum but that side of their relationship has died. I get he’s really struggling with this and wants to do the right thing. He’s genuinely a lovely guy, I wouldn’t like him so much if he wasn’t. I just don’t know what to believe. He’s stayed with me 3 times in the last week so his wife knows he’s seeing other people.

I truly believe I could fall in love with him if he was genuine, it’s really not a fling or a sexual thing. I’m not a horrid selfish person, I just want to do the right thing with someone that I’ve fallen in love with. Please don’t hate me, I don’t want to do harm to anyone.

OP posts:
category12 · 13/09/2018 22:08

He could be telling her he's away with work or something. If they genuinely have an open relationship, you should be able o speak with her.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2018 22:08

Ask his wife where he was this week

I expect "working away"

Etc

RainySeptember · 13/09/2018 22:09

Well surely, now his youngest has gone to uni, he will be separating from his wife imminently as per the agreed plan. Why not just ask him exactly what day this will happen? If he delays again I would presume dishonesty and dump. It doesn't matter how magical your connection is if he's a liar, a cheat and a massive misogynistic bellend.

beachcomber243 · 13/09/2018 22:14

He's a swinger, you met through a swingers site. So it's only about the sex, nothing intellectual or emotional about it from his point of view despite what rubbish he tells you. I'm sorry but you seem very naïve.

stevesmithsmum · 13/09/2018 22:15

Look, let’s say his wife does know he has sex outside the marriage. Let’s even say he has her tacit approval. Let’s also say the marriage is sexless. So what?

What is forcing him to stay in the marriage? What is preventing him from establishing a more traditional relationship with you? The answer is simple enough. He chooses not too.

I personally wouldn’t advocate you remain in the status quo. If he chooses to leave his marriage and get on with his life, the equation would change.

RainySeptember · 13/09/2018 22:16

"He’s stayed with me 3 times in the last week so his wife knows he’s seeing other people. "

You gullible fool. My xh told ow this too. He told me he was away with work.

SillySallySingsSongs · 13/09/2018 22:18

What do I think you should do?

Stop fucking a married man. You are the OW.

dirtybadger · 13/09/2018 22:20

She permitted him to have sex with other women. Not to have relationships. Which is what's happening.

I'd be surprised if she didn't consider you the OW.

There's no rush. Stop seeing him until he leaves his wife. Why should you be exclusive when all her can offer you is a semi relationship, meanwhile he has 1.5!!

madcatladyforever · 13/09/2018 22:22

Dear God you are so naive OP, how old are you?

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 13/09/2018 22:23

Old enough to know better...

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 13/09/2018 22:24

"I just want to do the right thing with someone that I’ve fallen in love with."

The right thing would be to walk away until he's single. If you're soulmates or whatever, you can wait a couple of weeks for him can't you?

Otherwise you're ow, unsure of his integrity, potentially helping him to hurt his wife and dc, selling yourself short.

Wait until he's single and start a proper relationship that will allow you to look at yourself in the mirror and, one day, meet his kids without them hating you.

category12 · 13/09/2018 22:26

I disagree with this > he's a swinger, you met through a swingers site. So it's only about the sex. People meet up through hook-up sites and it turns into relationships, there's no reason that a swinger wouldn't become attached to a new partner in the same way.

I do think there's value in finding out if the wife is actually on board with it, in that it would mean he's not outright lying about everything. I presume she's not on board with it developing into a relationship that he would leave her for, of course.

Villagelifer · 13/09/2018 22:26

@gamerchick, my thoughts exactly.

OP how more cliché can the situation be?
I understand you want it to be nice but it isn't. There's not much that can be said that hasn't been said a thousand times before, only this time it's the OW posting.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 13/09/2018 22:32

You need to speak to his wife.

Urbanbeetler · 13/09/2018 22:39

Do you feel you could stop seeing him as long as he is still with his wife? Then you will know how much he wants to be with you. Somehow I think he will choose to stay with the familiar and find another fuck buddy.

You stand to get very hurt here.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2018 23:22

This is not what I understand "swinging" to be

It sounds like good old fashioned adultery to me

Angelf1sh · 14/09/2018 06:22

It’s simple- If you don’t want to be an OW then you need to stop having sex with a married man. If he’s telling the truth about his relationship then he’ll follow through on what he’s said about leaving. He’s told you that he was only staying until his youngest went to university and that’s happened now so he should be making arrangements to leave. Tell him you’re not going to have sex again until his last relationship has formally concluded and yours can start. If he’s telling the truth then it’ll just be a few weeks whilst he sorts somewhere to live. If, on the other hand, he suddenly comes up with more reasons why he can’t leave, you know he’s talking bollocks. If he was lying to you about leaving then he’s lying to you about his wife being ok with him swinging and if that’s a lie then I’m sorry but you’re just sleeping with a married man behind his wife’s back.

AgentJohnson · 14/09/2018 06:38

If you're old enough to know better, why don't you know better?

You are just like every OW who buys the 'I don't sleep with my wife' and 'I'm staying for the kids' bull, you're in denial because it suits you to be. Have you corroborated any of his 'truth'? If his wife is as cool as she is about all this, ask to speak to her and get her blessing.

Why is not sleeping with a married man such a difficult concept for some women to get. Married men use their BS stories because the sad truth is, they know women like you are in the market to buy it.

So can we dispense with the 'I don't know what to do' bullshit because you do and you're doing it.

Embrace your OW status, you found love and yeah it's a little messy but hey, love can overcome anything.

May I suggest the Catholic Church if you're looking for absolution, they are far better at it then MN.

NotTheFordType · 14/09/2018 06:52

What does he say when you say you're having doubts about the set up and would like to discuss with his wife?