Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can someone give me some advice without judging me?

81 replies

Destinysdaughter · 13/09/2018 20:45

I’ve recently come out of a long relationship with someone who was separated. He was a lovely guy but we were not compatible. I wasn’t looking to meet someone else but a mutual friend set me and this guy up. I wasn’t expecting anything but me and J got on like a house on fire! Great, but... he’s married. He said that he and his wife have hardly have sex since the birth of his second child. His wife has ‘ alliwed’ him to meet women through the swinging scene to have sex with as a way of keeping them together although she no longer wants to have sex with him.

Since we met, we’ve spoken or texted every day, he’s stayed overnight at mine 4 Times. He’s said he was only staying with her until his youngest spn went to Uni. He went on Tues. I believe he’s genuinely unhappy and unfulfilled in his marriage but I really don’t want to be the OW. I

know I will get a lot of judgement on here and I’ve read so many threads on here from women whose husbands have been unfaithful to them. I’d really appreciate some advice from anyone who could kindly tell me what you think I should do in this situation. I do believe what he is saying. We met through a swinging website and he’s stopped seeing anyone else and has asked me to do the same. Our relationship is not even based on sex, it’s more about an intellectual and emotional connection that I haven’t felt with anyone for years and I know he feels the same. I know all the old cliches that married men say to entice women in but I’d just like to know, is this a possibility that this guy is genuine and how can I know?

OP posts:
kenandbarbie · 14/09/2018 07:05

Er you want to do the right thing? You know you aren't!

IAmSproutycus · 14/09/2018 07:06

Hi there, I’m interested to know why you chose to respond to some PP points, but avoided the query made by many others about whether you could meet with the wife? I’m not interested in the answer, but it may be something for you to ponder on yourself. Why am I cherry picking the comments here, and if so, what is it I’m looking for on my thread? If you’re looking to be challenged and prompted to think, engage more evenly with the points made, even by yourself. If you simply want validation that what you’re doing is broadly morally acceptable, you need to be honest with yourself about that. Hope that helps you work out what you needed here.

Hellywelly10 · 14/09/2018 07:23

Op if you want an exclusive realtionship with this man you need to give him an ultermatum. He probably wont leave his wife but you may get your self esteem back. Are you in the right emotional place for hook ups op?

DownTownAbbey · 14/09/2018 07:40

Assuming he's told the truth and his wife knows he has sex with other women doesn't the bit where her permission is conditional on him staying in the marriage bother you? Clearly (if he's not completely bullshitting) he has permission to have sex, he doesn't have her consent to form emotional attachments and plot to leave her. He is, therefore, cheating, and you are an OW.

Again, taking him at his word, he will leave her now the youngest has left home. You seem to be attributing this to some moral motive. My first thought was that he's waiting until a divorce would be cheaper!

whynot93 · 14/09/2018 07:43

Watch out for karma .. at some point this will come back on you.

Thatsfuckingshit · 14/09/2018 07:53

So you have never spoken to the wife and just believe him?

Really?

It's just so wrong and you should know better. You areinvikved in the swinging seen and he wants you to be faithful to him, while he goes home to his wife every night? And probably has sex with her?

Wtf are you thinking? If he is really in an open relationship with his wife, why does he want you to not have one?

Beaverhausen · 14/09/2018 08:00

Jesus take the wheel!

Mossend · 14/09/2018 08:05

If his wife is really fine with it I'm sure he'll have no issue with you speaking to her about it. In reality there's no way he'll let you speak to her as you'll then find out he's been feeding you a load of rubbish up to now.
As for him saying to you not to see other people how can he possibly ask you to do this with a straight face whilst he's sleeping in the same bed with his wife every night.
I really would be telling him to piss off

Iwantmore123 · 14/09/2018 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ariclock · 14/09/2018 08:11

If his wife was really ok with it you would have spoken to her surely? You know that you're the other woman op. He won't leave his wife and you're just the bit on the side. Have some self respect and find someone who's single.

Iwantmore123 · 14/09/2018 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/09/2018 08:22

You WANT to do the right thing. You WANT to believe him. You DON'T WANT to hurt anyone.

I WANT to win the lottery. No matter how hard i want it, it doesn't make it real. You can want all you like, until he actually proves to you what he says is true then it's all fabrication and you're deluded.

I foresee the next cheaters' lines: I can't leave now because she's
A. Too upset about the empty nest and emotionally unstable.
B. Suddenly extremely sick/dying slowly.
C. I said I was leaving and she said she'd kill herself.

Anyone wanna start taking bets?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/09/2018 08:35

Apparently he has his wife's permission to have sex with other women. (Let's just assume for a moment that's true.) If so, the deal was he would stay in the marriage and continue the relationship with her, just get his rocks off elsewhere with some random woman who was happy to be used for sex.

So, if you are now having a relationship with him and he's thinking of leaving her, he's broken that apparent 'agreement' by getting involved with you. He's therefore being deceitful and a cheat, which makes you the OW rather than just a casual fuck. Wouldn't like either status myself, but you may be ok with it - no judgement.

It all depends whether you are happy to remain someone's bit on the side/booty call indefinitely, as I suspect that's the reality of the situation, whatever he says. Anyway, you'll find that out very, very soon since his son if off to uni next week. If he delays splitting up for any reason, you will have your answer and you can decide whether you want to remain a married man's casual fuck/OW or try to find a genuinely decent man who is free to be with you.

MinaPaws · 14/09/2018 08:37

who on earth set you up with a married man? What a weird thing to do.

FinallyHere · 14/09/2018 08:43

Another suggestion that if he is on the level, he will be happy to set up a meeting between you and his wife. But, wait... is that really what you want for yourself?

For you, this looks as if it might be a terrific, potentially life changing connection, while for him, he is literally having his cake and eating it. You know he has a wife and are not giving him any heat for that, see @Thingsdogetbetter above for his list of bullet proof excuses.

Meanwhile, he can tell you anything and you will go along with it. He may even believe it when he is saying it, there is no downside for him. You are risking your self esteem, your own good view of yourself. Never mind what a bunch of strangers on the internet think about you, what do you think about you?

Have a look for the roots of good self esteem, what you can do to build your own. It will be worth it, a long term investment in a happy and satisfying life.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 14/09/2018 12:36

As others have said, their agreement (if it exists) was that he could have sex with other women but they would remain married, not that he could form a relationship and divorce when it suited him. So he's cheating either way. Also, unless he's been explicit about it, his plan to leave his wife when their youngest went to university is a massive and cynical betrayal - she was honest and open and his response has been deceitful, disrespectful and cruel. But at least he's saved a few bob Hmm

AnyFucker · 14/09/2018 16:41

@Destinysdaughter you ok ?

Hellywelly10 · 14/09/2018 19:32

OP i like your style not name changing btw.

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 17/09/2018 00:09

Thanks for all the replies, no matter how harsh they’ve been. He stayed with me on Friday night and told me he was in love with me. I believe him as I feel exactly the same. However I’ve decided to end it. I’ve spent the weekend on my own feeling utterly shit and I know if I carry on I’ll end up feeling worse. I’ve written him a v long email basically saying that he has 2 choices; to stay with his wife and carry on swinging ( which he has done for the last ten years, with her consent, as she didn’t want to have sex with him any more) or to leave. But what he can’t do is to stay with his wife and have a relationship with me. The price to my integrity and self esteem is just too high. ( although I know a lot of you on here think I have neither...)

OP posts:
Fucksgiven · 17/09/2018 00:15

Sorry, judging you. Foul behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2018 00:20

Say he really is staying with his wife for everything BUT sex. That means he has an emotional and intellectual relationship with HER. He has sex with you.

He also wants you to be exclusive, which I think makes him a complete arsehole and selfish to boot. He has two women but you can't have two men. Fuck that noise.

Oh and he's probably still shagging his wife. They almost always are.

pallisers · 17/09/2018 00:22

His wife has no idea he is fucking/having some sort of relationship with other women. They are still having sex by the way.

I'll eat my hat if she knows about his "swinging" and will eat the scarf too if she gave him permission.

I'll also eat another hat if you are the only woman he is doing outside of his marriage.

Get an std test, bin him and start seriously thinking about your boundaries and your self-esteem and your moral standards that you would for a moment tolerate this kind of shit in your life.

Renarde1975 · 17/09/2018 00:36

Oh dear. Where does one start?

1 - You are not the only one in this 'matrix'. Guaranteed.

2 - It's entirely possible that his wife knows and is tolerating the situation for 'residual benefits'. i.e money and/or status

3 - Once upon a time; I was you OP. I learnt from my mistakes and so will you. It hurts, very badly to be the OW. Very badly indeed. I do not judge you. There are reasons why we get ourselves into these scenarios and none of them are good.

The only advice I can give is to to close the doors, stop all communications, give yourself time to heal.

And above all; stop beating yourself up.

Renarde1975 · 17/09/2018 00:43

pallisers

I'll eat my hat if she knows about his "swinging" and will eat the scarf too if she gave him permission

I'm LMAO at this comment because it is DEAD ON TRUE!

Men who cheat are more likely to be open about their own proclivities than they are with their own intimate partner. Just in case they leave them and leave a massive gap open in their own fuel matrix.

Original poster
Destinysdaughter · 17/09/2018 06:43

Renarde1975 thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread