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Original poster

My friends keep ditching me - what could be wrong with me?

54 replies

AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:21

I'm pretty good at making friends, I think. But just wondering if the collective wisdom of MN might be able to work out why the hell I can't seem to maintain friendships.

How do you maintain friendships?

I message, check in on people, genuinely care about their lives...

I think I might need to find 'my people'. But where could they be?

I don't know what to say about myself to help you guys analyse my question but am opening myself up anyway.

Please help

OP posts:
springydaff · 13/09/2018 20:23

What do you mean when you say ditching?

Drifting away? Brutal chopping off? Ghosting?

Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:24

Drifting away

OP posts:
Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:25

I follow a cycle. New friend/friends. 6m or 12m later they've drifted away and I'm on to new friends.

I like people so I do make friendships easily. We seem to enjoy chatting, going places, etc. Whatever really. And over a period of time they loose interest and the cycle starts again

OP posts:
Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:26

Maybe because I can't spell lose! Grin

OP posts:
springydaff · 13/09/2018 20:26

Oh that's not so bad - phew!

How dull of them 😉

MLTS · 13/09/2018 20:27

Can you describe one situation.. like someone you made friends with recently. Was it through work/other friends etc? How did it go?

SnuggyBuggy · 13/09/2018 20:27

I think the challenge with making friends that no one wants to admit is that the vast majority of people aren't really available despite the fact that they won't admit it

The only practical question I can think of is are you any good at making plans

defineme · 13/09/2018 20:29

It can take years to find your people. Do you share similar beliefs and interests to these friends?

claret3189 · 13/09/2018 20:31

Aww i have been in this situation i find some people just arent that good at being friends...if that makes sense. I have lost a few friends along the way but i now have a good groyp of friends xx

Waitingforsleepagain · 13/09/2018 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 13/09/2018 20:37

I know exactly what you mean. People are too busy faffing about on the internet in their spare time. I find people fickle and once the novelty wears off or you've served your purpose they're off. Also some people are crap at keeping in touch and remembering to message back. I really think this is a phenomenally annoying and a common theme across the UK recently. I've noticed loads of people dropping out of my radar the last few years. Don't take it personally Flowers

Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:41

Ok, so I'll give an example.

Met someone prior to having my first. We didn't get close until maybe about a year later. Over the course of this past 12m we started seeing each other every week - when I had my youngest she pretty much came on alternate days, just short visits so I could get dressed/have a cuppa v small age gap between my two . She mostly comes to me as my ds1 has a few needs that means he's often in bed but we also go to the park, library, etc. More recently she's been a lot quieter. When I do see her she's subtly critical of my parenting. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and she's drifting off.

Another was part of a group of friends. We would meet once or twice a month. I also started meeting with her separately maybe once a week. That kinda has just drifted. I message every so often to see if she wants me meet up but she replies a couple of days later saying she's been busy

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 13/09/2018 20:41

What's your friendship selling point? Are you an incredibly empathetic listener? Very funny? Great at identifying cool things to do together? Amazingly knowledgeable about mediaeval history?

Basically you need to identify your USP(s) and then find friends who are looking for that quality. I know it sounds a bit mechanical but IMO that's what keeps friendships going for the most part.

Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:43

It's mostly 'mum friends' these days as that's my current situation. I have the two boys (one nearly 1, one nearly 2) all day and work in the evenings. DH away weekends so I also have them solo on the weekends. My time is very limited but I make time for people and if they're interested, do stay in touch.

I have one friend from 12 or so years ago. We meet up yearly and don't always talk but she lives a few hours away. I'm secure in that friendship.

That's about it, I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:44

I don't think I have a USP.

I guess maybe that's it. I've lost myself to the boys. But then again, it was like it before kids also

OP posts:
Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:46

I tried to start a bookclub and this sounds a lot more judgemental than it is but 2 out of the three people that responded were unemployed. One of those was a druggie and one was anti authority or something, I'm not sure. I felt like I was meeting up with 15 year olds Blush

That was a flop.

I'd still like to join a book club

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 13/09/2018 20:49

Where do you make the friends and what do you have in common? Is there a reason to meet up? I might not have a typical frame of reference but meeting once a week or so seems a lot to me- maybe the friendships burn out a bit?

I have a few hobbies that mean I see some people once a week or so (but not all year round, can go quite a few months without sometimes) and I would say one or two of them are friends and I enjoy hearing about their lives, talk about the hobby, etc. But I would probably "drift" from anyone if I was seeing them most weeks. Even if I still cared and actually considered myself to still be friends. If that makes sense.
My closest friends I still only see every few months. Maybe once a month at most. And none of them (or me) have DC, just other commitments.

But I do like a lot of alone time, despite being outgoing, etc, so perhaps most people want more contact and Im abnormal, I don't know honestly.

dirtybadger · 13/09/2018 20:51

Sorry just seen they're mum friends. Do you think that's the issue? If you're friends with people on the basis of the fact they had kids at a similar time to you...it isn't a very good long term basis for friendship-you don't necessarily have very much at all in common....

Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:53

Could be that I'm too intense.

I guess friendships with kids can be a little intense maybe.

Maybe I am friends with these people but I just don't know it Grin

I think mostly I make situational friends. So at the moment it's 'mum friends'. They're all bloody obsessed with talking about their kids. I do honestly act interested but I'd also like to chat about work, books, current affairs. I really do care that their kid is stringing two words together. I care. But I can't just talk about that 24/7.

OP posts:
captainproton · 13/09/2018 20:54

I have noticed that a lot of people (including myself) who have young families tend not to have a lot of money and spare time. I have found that arranging play dates is how I got social interaction or stay and plays. Now my eldest are at school I’ve met some people I like, and we occasionally do things without the kids.

But I’m not local and I have been used to moving around for work, here and abroad and I have got used to my own company. If someone kept trying to be my new best friend overnight I would think ‘needy’. I don’t mean that as a disrespect to anyone, but I’ve dealt with a lot of things already in my life and we have our own family problems I want to focus on. So I tend not to get too close to anyone anymore. We also go to church and we have made friends there and in some ways that has become an extended family, but I would say they are family friendships and not close personal friends.

Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 20:54

@dirtybadger it's honestly been my whole life

OP posts:
MrsDesireeCarthorse · 13/09/2018 21:03

this sounds a lot more judgemental than it is but 2 out of the three people that responded were unemployed

Why are you even mentioning this when the real issue is that they were both very immature? It's got nothing to do with why they were a problem yet you bring it up. And you say you are 'intense'.

You don't sound very comfortable to be around, to be honest.

catsdogs · 13/09/2018 21:04

I think here may lay the problem..... judgement about being unemployed.

IrenetheQuaint · 13/09/2018 21:08

OK, so your basic criteria is people with small children but who also like to talk about other stuff? This should be achievable. Think about how you present yourself and especially sense of humour - what do you find funny? If you can locate other people who find the same things funny that is a great start.

Original poster
AlpineButterfly · 13/09/2018 21:10

Ah I've been unemployed for a while before. It wasn't a judgement. Just a poor description. Ok, I'll redescribe sorry, it was a really flippant description They hadn't lived out of home before, had had different life experiences to me (they've probably had much better experiences than me but i'm not going to dwell), different interests (from what I can tell) and different levels of responsibilities. I dunno. Just not my people.

Maybe I am uncomfortable. How the hell do I become comfortable?

I'm honestly not massively judgemental about people. I'll happily chat to anyone about anything and accept who they are. To be honest I'd happily continue the book club but it just didn't feel like the right fit.

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