My friends keep ditching me - what could be wrong with me?

[AlpineButterfly]

I'm pretty good at making friends, I think. But just wondering if the collective wisdom of MN might be able to work out why the hell I can't seem to maintain friendships.

How do you maintain friendships?

I message, check in on people, genuinely care about their lives...

I think I might need to find 'my people'. But where could they be?

I don't know what to say about myself to help you guys analyse my question but am opening myself up anyway.

Please help

@IrenetheQuaint I think you've nailed the issue I'm generally quite a serious person. I think I need to find a sense of humour. I'm wondering whether I need to find a bit more time for me in amongst the chaos of full time working (DH), PT working (me), no childcare for the boys, both studying part time....ok, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by actually the thought of finding something for myself too

I'm looking to join a book club that doesn't want to read pretentious rubbish- where dou live? Maybe we can start one!

We must. Your username has given me slight goosebumps @Ameliarose16. Perhaps a story for another day. I live in Hants. My current bookclub voted to read a star wars book. I'm not really a sci fi kind of girl

I think even the best of friends shouldn't live in each others' pockets. People inevitably grate on other if there's no space. A twice weekly or even weekly arrangement is too intense when there are other commitments. There aren't too many that could sustain that -or not want to throttle you- after a year.

One thing that puts me off potential friends is them organising too many things. I feel overwhelmed. I have had people who say ..why don't we do this and this and maybe this..its all too much for me. Like dating take things very easily at first. I like a friend l can have a good chat with perhaps once a fortnight and THATS IT! No messaging in between or added suggestions of things to do. I have lots of friends who meet this requirement but am not the friend who goes for a walk each evening with her friend or chats for hours on the phone/ or messaging. I pull back from people who want to do that.
So try and gauge what sort of person the other is.
Also that best friend rubbish is annoying. It leaves people out of the cosy circle and is very infantile..l think.

Yeah perhaps the weekly thing is too intense. When life is busy I prefer low maintenance friends that I just meet up with occasionally but nothing changes inbetween. I also can’t be bothered with constant messages (wow I sound so antisocial! I’m not, honest!) I love my friends but I love time with just me & the family. Before my baby I would happily spend hours walking the dog on my own. Now I bring baby too but that’s no hardship 😊

I see my best friend (of 46 years) maybe once every 6 months or so (& that usually takes us a while to organise - we’re both busy). I have another very good friend I talk to a lot on the phone (although she only lives around the corner) but we don’t manage to get together that often.

I think your expectations around frequency of meeting up may be a little unrealistic? Or maybe don’t judge your friendships on how often you meet? I met up with someone I class as a good friend this week for brunch, we last met up a few of months ago - end of June I think? Although we have chatted online invetween.

If you want to join a book club, don't start one yourself. Just go to the local library and ask about what book clubs they have. There are often notices about them on the library notice board. Sometimes they'll say "mainly for young readers " or " for retired people" so you get the drift .

The fact that you started one and most of the respondents were unemployed makes no sense. Can't unemployed people enjoy / like talking about reading ? This makes you sound judgmental. Good luck !

"Over the course of this past 12m we started seeing each other every week - when I had my youngest she pretty much came on alternate days, just short visits so I could get dressed/have a cuppa v small age gap between my two . She mostly comes to me as my ds1 has a few needs that means he's often in bed but we also go to the park, library, etc. More recently she's been a lot quieter. When I do see her she's subtly critical of my parenting. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and she's drifting off."

Well this sounds like it was led by her, not you, and that she was very supportive. Popping round every other day so that you could have a short break from your baby is a very good friend indeed.

It is possible it just became unsustainable and you are just now experiencing a realigning of the boundaries, but it might also be that she began to feel a bit taken advantage of or resentful that she was always coming to you, supporting you.

You say that she had to come to you because your child has 'a few needs that means he's often in bed'. What are those needs? This coupled with your comment about her being subtly critical of your parenting has made me wonder whether she is just fed up of being the one doing the running.

Having no sense of humour, an irritating parental style and always wanting to fix dates in advance would be enough to see me off too, op.

I have strong, long lasting friendships: some go back 20 years or more and pre children, others connected to a shared hobby, others from work.

None from baby groups or schoolgates even though I have met pleasant enough people from meeting my DC's friends' parents.

One of which is always wanting to fix lunch or dinner dates with me. She is absolutely lovely but also rather intense.

If I analyse the greatest friendships I have then it is fair to say I get on best with people with have a great sense of humour, are spontaneous and have travelled a lot and most have been to university or are very well qualified in their chosen fields.

There has to be a common theme to elevate a person from an acquaintance to a genuine friend, a shared, special easiness that you don't have with others.

I hope I don't have an irritating personal style

some great food for thought. I think I message too much and maybe try to develop the friendships too quickly.
Looking at it, my longest standing friends I talk to a lot less.

I don't think she particularly minded coming over. She was amazing. She has a little one on the way so I hope to repay the favour. I think you're right about adjusting my expectations.

I don't particularly have any childfree time at the moment so am slightly limited with what I can do without but maybe I just need to start being on my own a little more. Or at least on my own with the boys. I'm going to start by putting my phone on aeroplane mode from now until lunchtime. That'll be a really good start

Maintaining an existing friendship is very different to making a new one. You can often get away with infrequent contact because there is a foundation. With a new friend or acquaintance it either fizzles or never gets going.

It took me 6 years to find an amazing friend where we just click and it works. I'm so happy. But aside from her the majority of my 'friends' are just people I occasionally catch up with me, but I'd say those ones don't really have many other friends so I like to think it's them and not me I've learned to accept for some people having genuine good friends just aren't that important to some people.

I find it difficult to make and keep friends - I feel like I'm always the one arranging dates to go out for coffee or drinks etc . Over the past year or so I've stopped being the one to arrange things and guess what? Haven't been out with 'friends' at all.

I think that friendships are definitely hard work - although I did have a friendship a few years ago which involved lots of drinking of wine at each others houses in the evenings . That wasn't hard work, but when said friend had an affair and forced her husband to move out of their marital home, I found I didn't really know her after all. We are no longer friends as I couldn't condone her actions which she thought was too unreasonable - I was also friends with her husband !

I think you might be looking at this all wrong.

Firstly, you literally have no time, no availability whatsoever, so I don't quite understand where you think you're going to fit these friendships in?

secondly nearly everyone I know parents in a different way to me and it certainly doesn't bother me.
Maybe you need to focus less on the mum friends. but I have to say that finding someone that you really click with is actually very rare.

I have 2 friends and we are very close: live close By, forever popping in for a glass of wine, we WhatsApp each other all the time, go for weekends abroad regularly. we all have different age children, we were fortunate to have met each other!!

I'm also quite good friends with DS1's football team mums, but yours are a bit young for that I think. as your children get older you care less and less about how other people parent: it is probably quite difficult for you because people are very judgemental in the early days, as you said.

Stick with it. It will come.

It sounds daft but I think getting new friends is more like dating than we think:

• you have to be careful not to be too full on and if you know you can be you need to be careful that contact and interaction happens reciprocally and you’re not too available/full on

• some people you just click with but for reasons you don’t understand you can’t progress to the next level and that’s ok, it happens

• it takes time and effort to get to know someone properly and find a rhythm with them

I have a friend that I care about and value but they message me too often. I hate it and it’s making me want to back away which then makes me feel bad which adds a layer of weirdness that I don’t have with other people so I think I will end up backing out of the friendship. Like I said above it’s not so different from dating

Can't you be honest and tell them you find it tricky to reciprocate their messages. Or better still tell them they message too often?

I’ve tried but it hadn’t got through! I don’t know what to do but I guess I use this as an example because we haven’t known her that long (2 years maybe) so don’t have the same history or loyalty and while we’re friends we’re not super close so it seems less drama to let it drift

OTOH I have a close friend i think
I can rely on too much but learnt from too-many-messages friend so now am more careful to only contact close friend every second time or so/initiate every other time unless something comes up. It’s worked as I hear more from them than I thought I would and I feel more valued.

@PurpleCurtains I'm finding your insight really interesting. Thank you

I think I am the friend who drifts away - not at all intentionally but I feel like I am constantly having to turn down opportunities to meet with people who I would really like to spend time with simply because life gets in the way - 2 DCs, job etc. It has made me think I must check in that nobody is taking it personally because it's not the intention - are you sure it isn't just busy lives, can't make a weekly commitment sustainably for that long? xx

I'd agree with a lot of posters on many counts. I think

• it's best not to come on too strong. Once a month is enough to see most friends.
• a lot of people don't pursue friendships unless it's easy & advantageous. Many People get more & more selfish & insular with time.

Best of luck

I'm meeting up with a friend tomorrow with her little boy. We've been friends about four years so thinking about it,maybe I'm not all that bad. I've not seen her since the beginning of the summer so a catch up will be nice.

Maybe the mum friend thing drags me into playground mentality

It can be very hard making friends when you have very young children as it is so hard to finish a sentence let alone a conversation! Sounds like you are doing well to make any friends considering what's going on in your life.

It does sound like you seem to have mostly one friend in this cycle, perhaps if you had 3 or 4 people you were getting to know at the same time things like the messaging/possible intensity would sort themselves out.