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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband controls purse strings

40 replies

T1050 · 13/09/2018 14:38

Hi there my OH and I have been married for 7 years, together for over 20 and have two wonderful little boys, 5 years and 7 months. I gave up work to look after our first and have been reliant on my husbands salary. He earns very good money but hates spending money. He checks the bills account daily and asks me about every transaction. I cannot have a conversation with him about money, he just flares up. I always say if there is a supermarket that gives away free food I'll be first in line. I don't spend any money on my self. Never go out. Have no hobbies. He even complains the dog costs too much money. He tells me the house is a pig sty, often when we are out he will comment negatively on my hair, clothes. If we go out for a meal and he doesn't want a starter or pudding he'll make a comment to make me feel guilty having one. I'm worn down. We never go on Holiday, just to his mums house which isn't a holiday for me. We were supposed to go away with my parents next year but he has been so angry about how much it costs I've cancelled it. I couldn't bear to have it flung in my face for the next 6 months. I don't know how long I can put up with it. I could go back to work but that wouldn't make any difference to the finances, I would just be working and still having to pay my way and do all the parenting and chores. Life would not be easier. I have no money so don't know how I would leave. Incidentally he goes away on boys trips at least 3 times a year. What can I do.?

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 13/09/2018 14:43

He clearly doesn't see the money as family money but as his money because he earns it. If he doesn't value your role as a SAHM, then you need to find a job and arrange childcare. At least that way you will be earning your own money.

I could understand it if you were frittering it away, but it sounds like you are not allowed a penny of it for yourself.

If he won't discuss the fact that he is financially abusive, then you can think about leaving. He won't change if he won't even talk about it.

He is not in control of you, he is your husband and partner.

What was he like with money before the DC came along?

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2018 14:46

Go back to work and divorce him
Don't put up with this shit

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2018 14:48

Good god he sounds AWFUL.

This is financial abuse and it's a form of control.

The insults and put-downs? Add a bit of emotional abuse in there too.

He sounds terrible. Please have a serious think about leaving. This will fuck your children up.

Can you talk to your family or anyone in real life?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2018 14:49

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not put up with this any longer from him; he will simply continue to make you and your kids miserable.

I would seriously consider seeking legal advice with a view to divorcing him. I bet you do not even get the opportunity to yourself go to the hairdressers to have your hair styled.

What you write of here is financial abuse and such men are rarely solely financially abusive. You are married to this person and have legal rights. His actions towards you and in turn your children are all about power and control. He wants absolute here over you all. I would also think that either one or even both his parents behave the same self way as he does.

I doubt very much he would be at all cooperative with any return to work on your part and would likely sabotage any attempts made by you to do so.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. This is not what you want for them going forward either. Its not good enough for you and its not good enough for them.

I would also call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and The Rights of Women organisations [[http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/]]

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2018 14:50

Do not stay with him and do your bit here to show your kids that this abuse of you and in turn them is to become their norm as well.

subspace · 13/09/2018 15:26

Get a job. Leave him. I couldn't live like that.

Irinn · 13/09/2018 15:56

oh dear! sorry for you. my hubby is abuser in multiple matters, but i'm not buying that crap anymore about how everything is my fault and he is poor man, who spend all his money on me. He was spending some, so i was in better position than you, i got gym membership, hairdresser twice, doctor visit in private clinic, a bit of dental treatment and we had 1,5 holiday this year. and i have to mention that i got all that with scandals and tears.
i got a job, what he is against to and still he is moaning something about that. i just dont listen to him anymore and doing my thing quietly. going to leave him as soon as will get ready. it wont get better and i dont want to waste my life on him.

So, getting to your question - you need to make a plan. Do you have a family or friends to whom you could move with kids for some time? If yes, then pack and go. Its ok if they are far, you just need to stay apart from him and be surrounded by positive people. If you dont have anyone at all, then you need to get a job and separate. Depends also if you own a property and so on.

These relations are sick and toxic and need to get out of them. How were your relations before you got married? before you quit the job?

GertrudeCB · 13/09/2018 18:04

Financial abuse pure and simple. Please use the resources a pp has posted. You don't have to live this 2nd class life, and neither do your children.

Racecardriver · 13/09/2018 18:08

Tell him you are fine with your finacial contribution to the household going unappreciated. You will be going back to work. He can hire a nanny and a housekeeper of his choice and will split the cost 50/50.

Usernc12 · 13/09/2018 18:14

Someone on a different thread suggested doing a list of good points & negative ones.

Defo look up financial abuse but ensure your searches are incognito. Take care.

Lindy2 · 13/09/2018 18:22

He sounds an absolute misery. Does he have any good points?
I think it may be time to review your marriage and whether you would be happier without him.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/09/2018 18:26

He's financially and emotionally/psychologically abusive. What positive things do you ever get from this man?

I'd look into getting back into work and divorcing him. You will be infinitely happier without someone being so cruel to you constantly.

JungWan · 13/09/2018 18:30

I agree, go back to work, even if it's not worth it now. Your kids will grow and yu'll be back at work and secure.

If he refuses to pay for the childcare that you going to work would require then that is a divorce-able offense imo.

bullyingadvice2017 · 13/09/2018 18:34

Get some legal advice, you can get half a hour free, so he shoulder have any problem with that! Then make a plan to get your life back. You are a whole grown adult and do not need to be controlled by him.

SandyY2K · 13/09/2018 18:50

Incidentally he goes away on boys trips at least 3 times a year.

Selfishness. Seems you're just there to bear him children and look after the house like a scullery maid. You only get one life.

What can I do.?

Tell him if it doesnt change you'll file for a divorce.

Needahairbrush · 13/09/2018 18:53

Get back into work as a matter of urgency, your self esteem will improve .. split the childcare costs too, they will be 50% his childcare costs too.

Quartz2208 · 13/09/2018 19:00

See a solicitor and realise how much he would need to pay

Work and get him to pay childcare

areyoubeingserviced · 13/09/2018 19:02

Look for a job and get rid of him. This is not only about financial abuse; this is mental abuse. He is a grade A asshole
Only you can decide if you are prepared to put up with this for years

Rebecca36 · 13/09/2018 19:07

Your husband is a tyrant!

I understand how you feel about having a job but if you were working towards a career that would be different. You'd eventually be independent of him and could move out! Or kick him out. Then he'd realise how much he relied on you.

Horrible man. I'm not surprised you are worn down - but don't let him wear you down any more. Bide your time and break out of this cycle of misery. You can do it!

gamerchick · 13/09/2018 19:13

If you get rid of him you'll get child support.

If you don't want to then you need to go back to work, you're in a vulnerable position. Tot up childcare and cleaners and give it to him for when you do.

PyeWackets · 13/09/2018 19:16

You need to separate, this is no way to live.

eelbecomingforyou · 13/09/2018 19:17

Jesus. He’s financially and emotionally abusive.

So it’s ok for him to go away on boys holidays but you’re not important enough to have any money spent on you? Fuck that!

The dc are yours jointly. Family money should be shared jointly. He sounds horrible.

I’d leave him. You only get one life.

Singlenotsingle · 13/09/2018 19:20

Effectively he's employing you, so he ought to be paying you. Tbh, you won't be able to put up with this forevermore, so if you don't divorce him now, then you will later. Get a job so that when the time comes you can look after yourself without having to depend on this waste of space.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2018 19:24

Grow a back bone.

You need to get a job, he needs to pay childcare. He needs to do half the roles in the house. That's it. Make it clear to him it stops now. Don't take his word it will change, it won't. You're not some unpaid skivvy. So stop letting him treat you like one.

And if he continues, then fuck off out of it with the kids and he can pay maintenance. And take care of them half the time. And you won't end up doing all the chores unless you decide to do them.

And tell him to get a fucking cleaner when you're at it.

Mrsramsayscat · 13/09/2018 22:33

This is financial abuse.

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