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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband controls purse strings

40 replies

T1050 · 13/09/2018 14:38

Hi there my OH and I have been married for 7 years, together for over 20 and have two wonderful little boys, 5 years and 7 months. I gave up work to look after our first and have been reliant on my husbands salary. He earns very good money but hates spending money. He checks the bills account daily and asks me about every transaction. I cannot have a conversation with him about money, he just flares up. I always say if there is a supermarket that gives away free food I'll be first in line. I don't spend any money on my self. Never go out. Have no hobbies. He even complains the dog costs too much money. He tells me the house is a pig sty, often when we are out he will comment negatively on my hair, clothes. If we go out for a meal and he doesn't want a starter or pudding he'll make a comment to make me feel guilty having one. I'm worn down. We never go on Holiday, just to his mums house which isn't a holiday for me. We were supposed to go away with my parents next year but he has been so angry about how much it costs I've cancelled it. I couldn't bear to have it flung in my face for the next 6 months. I don't know how long I can put up with it. I could go back to work but that wouldn't make any difference to the finances, I would just be working and still having to pay my way and do all the parenting and chores. Life would not be easier. I have no money so don't know how I would leave. Incidentally he goes away on boys trips at least 3 times a year. What can I do.?

OP posts:

Cawfee · 13/09/2018 22:52

He’s abusing you and this is no way to live. Wouldyour parents help? Could you and the kids go live with them while you file for divorce and get money sorted? Would they pay for you to go see a solicitor?

user764329056 · 13/09/2018 22:54

You are being abused OP, please get some help, no one should have to live like this, what an arsehole he is

Honeybee79 · 13/09/2018 22:57

This is financial and emotional abuse. You need to get out.

Original poster

T1050 · 14/09/2018 18:15

Ladies, a big thank you. I've always felt its not right but I have a lovely house, heating car etc. So always thought I shouldn't complain. I told him last night that I was thinking of leaving. That eventually once the kids are grown up there will be nothing keeping us together. He crumbled.. Absolutely crumbled. He's agreed to marriage counselling. He has a pretty horrific back story so needs it. I have decided to go back to work once my little boy is 1. Start a little nest egg so I have a way out if I need it. Its the first time I have ever felt in control. I just needed to hear I wasn't been mad. Again thank you. I was in tears of relief and gratitude when I read all your messages. Xx

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 14/09/2018 19:04

Great update OP.

But...

It's a very common tactic of abusers to turn on the waterworks and promise to change if they sense you are serious about leaving.

Don't judge him on what he says, judge what he DOES. And that needs to be on a sustained basis - it's another common tactic to change for a couple of months then revert right back to where he was, or even get worse.

Educating yourself about abusers will help you in the long run, and if he changes then you've lost nothing. Check out
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
Living With the Dominator by Pat Craven

I have a feeling from your posts that the 2nd book will resonate very strongly with you.

If his financial abuse and control of you is such that you can't afford to buy these books, please PM me and I would be happy to donate you a copy.

Please be careful going into counselling with this man. counselling with an abuser is not recommended as often these people are so charming that they can get the counsellor "on side" and agreeing that your behaviour is the problem. I would suggest that he has counselling alone and that you do as well.

Good luck OP, I hope things work out as you want. You deserve happiness

Mary1935 · 14/09/2018 20:32

T1050 - yes be aware he won’t change overnight, if at all.He’s only mean to you BUT he feels entitled to have holidays - that would piss me right off - the entitlement. He’s treated you badly and he’s financially and emotionally abusive. You are not meant to go therapy with men of this type - I would get him to pay for you to have therapy seeing as you don’t have money. I’m angry on your behalf. Well done for standing up to him.

M0veOntheG0 · 14/09/2018 21:03

Start applying for jobs now. When you get a job, bill hum for half the child care. Book the holiday that you want ! Set up your own bank account now. Start making some progress. I agree, he can cry, but he needs to change and his actions will tell you if he will change.

M0veOntheG0 · 14/09/2018 21:06

Do you claim child support ? Get this paid into your bank account. If you don't claim, because he earns too much, you still need to claim to get the NI paid for your pension , maternity etc if you are in UK

LannieDuck · 14/09/2018 23:09

I would just be working and still having to pay my way and do all the parenting and chores

Why would you do all the parenting and chores when you're both working FT?

Amyerda · 14/09/2018 23:26

This is emotional psychological financial domestic abuse. Sounds like you are not yet ready to leave and this I completely understand but di nit fall fir the waterworks. You hace little power. Please start to look at womens aid online resources and seek legal advice. Do not lisyen to anyone who is not legally qualified or who is not a domestic abuse professional. You may not leave now but you will eventually. Do it with a plan and with support

Turkkadin · 15/09/2018 00:15

You say you have been with this man for over 20 years. I'm guessing he hasn't just recently turned into Scrooge. You have been putting up with this for a very long time. Why are you speaking up now?
Most women would have sent him on his way years ago.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2018 00:18

Unfortunately, tears are one of the things on the list of things they do to stop you complaining.

Look, this man, without any encouragement, has abused you financially. Now he's cried and you're forgiving him. Mark my words, OP, you'll be back complaining about him soon.

He's a selfish bastard. You can't change someone from selfish to unselfish.

PickAChew · 15/09/2018 00:19

Well at least you don't have to budget for loo roll because you have yourself a grade A arsewipe right there.

SeaToSki · 15/09/2018 00:24

I think you need your own bank account and he needs to direct deposit an amount (large or small) in it each month that is for you to spend on whatever you want, and he has no say in it at all. The housekeeping is separate. See if he will agree to that. If he wont, consider your options as he might be all talk, no trousers....

ferando81 · 15/09/2018 00:28

Some people are obsessed with money ,they never feel secure no matter how much money they have .He needs help

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