Has my relationship run its course?

[ImgoingtoSHABOOMS]

Hi, haven't posted in relationships before so am a bit nervous about it, however, feel like I really need some objective advice.

I have a one year old son with my partner who lives with me. We've been together about 3 years (pregnancy was a surprise, but both happy about it). I've recently started to feel like I would be better off just me and my son and that actually my life would be so much easier. Me and my partner both work, him about 35 hours and me about 40 so similar. Because of the jobs we do we've managed to arrange shifts so we haven't got to use a nursery and my mum helps on the other days which suits us all well. My mum is amazing and also helps me get housework done on my days off, so we do a lot of it together really. His only job he does is the washing up after dinner. That is genuinely it.

The problem is that on my days off (with my son) I don't stop as I do all the running around that needs doing- food shopping, meal prepping, general errands, cleaning- as well as always make sure I have time to do something nice with the baby too so take him out etc. My partner doesn't drive so I know he's limited with some of that stuff. I also deal with all the bills and household expenditure- he just pays £x a month to me when he gets paid as to be honest I don't think things would actually get done if he was responsible for any of it- he has a really poor memory for that kind of thing and has to be reminded lots of times before he does the most simple of things (eg like write his shifts on the calendar). When my son is napping I get bits and bobs done. When my son naps with my partner there he just plays on his tablet. I feel like I'm becoming a nag as I'm constantly having to ask him to do things and repeat myself over several days until they get done. He spends his time alone playing computer games. I spend mine getting stuff done!

He hasn't been sleeping in he main bedroom for a good while now as when he gains weight he snores really badly and i just can't sleep so is in the other room. He knows that al he needs to do to stop snoring is to lose a bit of weight as that worked the last few times this happened. But still he isn't losing it. I hate speaking to him about it as I really don't feel comfortable telling him what he should do with his own body. Saying that, if I don't remind him to shave or cut his hair he just won't bother (so I now just remind him if we going somewhere with friends/family).

We have pretty much zero sex life. I just don't want it anymore to be honest. He will try and get me to be interested and will ask me to do things but to be honest it just feels awkward and makes me cringe. I sometimes give in just to stop him asking.

I could probably deal with some of this if it wasn't for the fact that he is plain miserable I the mornings until around lunch time. After that he's great fun and good company. Before then he's just so so grumpy. And nothing snaps him out of it. I wake up on our days off together in a good mood looking forward to the day and within about ten minutes it has been totally shat on by his mood. I end up arranging to go out with other people and my son.

We have a conversation every six months of so about all of this, he promises to make more effort and to stop being grumpy etc and it changes for a bit. But then gradually goes back. I spoke to him about it all again on Sunday and he's said the usual stuff and is trying a bit now, but I almost feel resentful now?

The thing is the thought of asking him to leave makes me feel sick as I know he'll be devastated and as I own the house he would be the one to leave. And I don't know where he'd go. Or how he'd cope. Or if he would get depression again (he used to have depression and self harm). And I hate the idea of hurting him so much because I do love and care about him, I'm just not sure if I can handle any more of this.

Am I just repeating the same thing over and over again? I just don't know what to do. Never thought I'd be considering being a single mum.

You're already a single mum to a baby and a teenager! What is it with these lazy and entitled men? I wouldn't find that attractive and would rather be on my own tbh.

Show him this thread, OP. It may make him realise how bad the situation is.

Musti that's what it feels like. But hen because my mum sees how exhausted I am she helps me out with things and then I start feeling like I can't say anything to him because I'm not actually doing that much and that I'm a crap mum. But the reality is that I don't sit down and stop at all on my days off. Unless I'm so shattered I feel I can't see straight and I have to get mum to watch baby for a bit and have a little nap. I'm also doing a course so that I can improve things financially once I pass. So am trying to build on a future for my son.

The thing is we do actually get on well- he's very funny and we do make each other laugh a lot. We also have very similar interests. I just don't know if that's enough. I'm starting to really resent him.

Single is it that bad or am I overreacting? I just don't know what's normal anymore.

I feel for you.

Make a list of what needs doing when your husband is on his own with your baby and get him to tick off each item when it is done. He might actually like lists, some people really do (my husband does, they drive me up the wall but we ain't talking about me :-) ).

As you are the one who drives it makes sense for you to do a big shop but are there shops nearby to which your partner could go on foot, taking the little one out for fresh air at the same time? That would certainly help and give him some exercise. He might be interested enough to prepare a meal for you both out of what he bought.

There is something you can buy in the chemist to spray at back of tongue/throat to stop or minimise snoring. My husband uses that and it really does make a difference. He used to sound like a train (is also overweight).

Get a dishwasher! It really is worth the expense. If you have an Argos card you'll be able to buy something big like that and pay nothing for either six months or a year.

You sound as though you think a great deal of your man and no doubt he does of you too. It's worth trying to make it work. Not forever, if you are unhappy, but certainly for a time with specific goals.

Someone above suggested showing him this thread and I think that is a good idea.

He is acting like a child that you have to care for and you already have plenty to do for your actual kids. He is dead weight in your life and just causing more work for you. This is not a partner, but a tennant.

I've tried a lot of those things to be honest Rebecca. We do have local shops and that would be lovely but he doesn't even know how to cook and has never had any interest in me showing him how. He doesn't see things and think to do them. For example, my step father has to come over to mow the lawn because he's never once done it himself. He doesn't even think to poop scoop after the dog!

Do not show him this thread; you need a safe outlet for your own feelings here. He could well shut that means of support off if you showed him your writings and these replies.

Stop putting words into his mouth like he would be devastated. He would probably be more like angry at you because he is going to have to leave his bed and board/cushy life he has with you. His feelings here are not more important than yours and your feelings are well and truly valid here. He has caused this to end by his actions and lack of; you are carrying the mental load at your overall expense. He is a millstone around your neck and he is dragging you down with him into his pit.

Where he goes ultimately is not your problem; he is an adult and such lazy men tend to go onto find someone who will care and otherwise mop up after them. Do you love him or are you really confusing this with codepedency?. Read up on that and see how much of this fits in with your own behaviours in this relationship.

I don't know where he'd go. Or how he'd cope. Or if he would get depression again

None of this is your responsibility. You are not his mother, despite him acting as if you are! Are you happy? Because it doesn't sound like it from your post. You deserve to be happy. This man is draining you. Yes, your relationship has run it's course. I can't put it any simpler than that. You say you're starting to resent him. End it now before you end up hating him. It's the kindest thing for all of you.

He's such an idiot. It sounds as though his weight is causing him to snore and to sleep badly, which is then causing him to be lethargic and in a foul mood the next day. Because of all the above your sexual relationship has gone.

Could you give him one last warning and tell him that unless things change pronto then you're going to have to ask him to leave?

Sorry to hear your predicament, it sounds very frustrating for you.

We are in a similar situation (although not as extreme as your scenario) where we discuss issues, try to make a change and then things just dwindle back to the same routine after a few weeks of trying.

I think you need to break the cycle and seek some sort of outside relationship counselling.

After 3 or 4 years I sat down with my wife and said that if she really didn't want to see our marriage just fizzle out (married 5 years, been together for 12) then we both need to show we are serious about fixing it and seek outside assistance.

We started going a couple of weeks ago, so early days, but already having some positive results.

IMHO going to a 3rd party allows you both to sit down and calmly, openly air your issues and concerns without the other person feeling like they are being scolded or lectured and have an un-bias party their to mediate/rationalise........and make you look inwardly to see if you might be doing wrong or have changed towards him to cause him to act in this way.........you mention your child and wonder if he just feels left out and ignored as a consequence, so is acting like a sulky, lazy sibling that feels unloved.

I hope you manage to sort things for the best and wish you luck. x

I gave him a warning on Sunday. I was really calm and just laid things out and said I'm having serious doubts, explained what had to change and that I was sick of having the same conversation over and over. I don't think he's really taken it on board though. Nothing seems different. He hasn't been snappy in the morning so is watching himself there a bit.

I think we are past counselling trally silverblue. He was the same before our son came along. I think it ultimately comes down to laziness I guess. I just feel so so trapped and so so tired. And I don't want to seem like I'm making rash decisions because I'm not- this cycle repeats and repeats itself and I'm bored of it.

Codependency does sound very much like how it is. But with me being the one that takes all the responsibility.

It suits him to be lazy. You're the proactive one and he's just dragging you down.

He needs to act on initiative. But he can't be arsed, because shopping, cleaning, cooking is boring right? Yet you have to do it all! There's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. He sounds deeply unattractive.

I couldn't put up with this shit, but I do understand it's not easy to walk away. The problem is, I really don't think he's going to change his ways and the threat of depression and self harming will guilt you into staying with him.

Its no relationship model to be teaching your son.

What do you want to teach him about relationships and what do you think he is learning here from the two of you?.

Counselling for your own self going forward with regards to codependency issues could well help you. As would giving this man his marching orders now. You've told him more than once, how many more chances is this man going to get?.

List the jobs that need doing, Give him the easier jobs to do - putting washing on- hanging on line, stripping/remaking the bed, hoovering, washing up, drying up putting away. Tell him you will show him once how to do things then it is up to him to remember.

If you need some items from the local shops leave a list tell him you need x y & z - the local shops supply it. He can walk there with the little man - exercise for both parties.

You cannot moan if you are not telling him what needs doing.

Cutting the grass is not hard. He should be able to take on this task.

Hope things improve

He sees the mental load of the housework as your job, his is to go out to work and bring a wage in. He also thinks he is too important to be involved in day to day chores (and probably his own mother ran around after both him and her H as well clearing up in their wake).

I just don't know how to even go about it really. I don't know when is the right time. Our shifts and schedules mean that I don't even know how or when I would do something. Do I ask him to go and stay with his family for a bit? I just don't know what to do.

I earn more than him and always have so he definitely doesn't see himself as the provider.

You cannot moan if you are not telling him what needs doing.

Wow, we have such low expectations of men. He can’t be expected to know he has to shave? Or that lawns need mowing? Or that everyone in the family eats three times a day? Seriously?

He does not need a list; he is supposedly a fully functioning adult here who is employed. My guess is he is not slovenly at work.

He does not want to do these household things because he thinks he is above all that and sees those tasks as the OPs because she is female.

Your life will improve OP if he is no longer in it day to day. You won't have to remind him to otherwise shave or cut his hair either.

He probably also dislikes the fact you earn more than him too.

There is never a right or good time. Tell him its over when you see him next and request him to leave. He has no rights to stay within your home. He will find someone to take him in.

I honestly don't think he does dislike that you know- he asks me for stuff and I end up giving in and getting it. He likes the extra money for treats. I hate that the situation is that he ASKS me for stuff. It really does make me feel like either some kind of evil controlling witch or like a mother to a teenager.