Has my relationship run its course?

[ImgoingtoSHABOOMS]

Hi, haven't posted in relationships before so am a bit nervous about it, however, feel like I really need some objective advice.

I have a one year old son with my partner who lives with me. We've been together about 3 years (pregnancy was a surprise, but both happy about it). I've recently started to feel like I would be better off just me and my son and that actually my life would be so much easier. Me and my partner both work, him about 35 hours and me about 40 so similar. Because of the jobs we do we've managed to arrange shifts so we haven't got to use a nursery and my mum helps on the other days which suits us all well. My mum is amazing and also helps me get housework done on my days off, so we do a lot of it together really. His only job he does is the washing up after dinner. That is genuinely it.

The problem is that on my days off (with my son) I don't stop as I do all the running around that needs doing- food shopping, meal prepping, general errands, cleaning- as well as always make sure I have time to do something nice with the baby too so take him out etc. My partner doesn't drive so I know he's limited with some of that stuff. I also deal with all the bills and household expenditure- he just pays £x a month to me when he gets paid as to be honest I don't think things would actually get done if he was responsible for any of it- he has a really poor memory for that kind of thing and has to be reminded lots of times before he does the most simple of things (eg like write his shifts on the calendar). When my son is napping I get bits and bobs done. When my son naps with my partner there he just plays on his tablet. I feel like I'm becoming a nag as I'm constantly having to ask him to do things and repeat myself over several days until they get done. He spends his time alone playing computer games. I spend mine getting stuff done!

He hasn't been sleeping in he main bedroom for a good while now as when he gains weight he snores really badly and i just can't sleep so is in the other room. He knows that al he needs to do to stop snoring is to lose a bit of weight as that worked the last few times this happened. But still he isn't losing it. I hate speaking to him about it as I really don't feel comfortable telling him what he should do with his own body. Saying that, if I don't remind him to shave or cut his hair he just won't bother (so I now just remind him if we going somewhere with friends/family).

We have pretty much zero sex life. I just don't want it anymore to be honest. He will try and get me to be interested and will ask me to do things but to be honest it just feels awkward and makes me cringe. I sometimes give in just to stop him asking.

I could probably deal with some of this if it wasn't for the fact that he is plain miserable I the mornings until around lunch time. After that he's great fun and good company. Before then he's just so so grumpy. And nothing snaps him out of it. I wake up on our days off together in a good mood looking forward to the day and within about ten minutes it has been totally shat on by his mood. I end up arranging to go out with other people and my son.

We have a conversation every six months of so about all of this, he promises to make more effort and to stop being grumpy etc and it changes for a bit. But then gradually goes back. I spoke to him about it all again on Sunday and he's said the usual stuff and is trying a bit now, but I almost feel resentful now?

The thing is the thought of asking him to leave makes me feel sick as I know he'll be devastated and as I own the house he would be the one to leave. And I don't know where he'd go. Or how he'd cope. Or if he would get depression again (he used to have depression and self harm). And I hate the idea of hurting him so much because I do love and care about him, I'm just not sure if I can handle any more of this.

Am I just repeating the same thing over and over again? I just don't know what to do. Never thought I'd be considering being a single mum.

If you get on well then it's better to split now and have a chance at coparenting civilly than to wait until things are worse and you are both at each others throats. There's a chance he may not be civil now,it the odds are better.

It's really not fair on your mum to be doing your (his!) Housework as well as her own when he does FA. Although totally not your fault and that's very kind of her.

He sounds like a cocklodger, you're doing everything for your child and are the main earner while he just does a bit of washing up. Does he contribute to bills and the mortgage? It might be better for you to separate and co parent instead

He basically pays a set amount which I think is a reasonable amount to me every month the day he gets paid so yes financially he's contributing to the bills/food etc.

Would you be attracted to your partner if you were only just meeting him now? Was the division of labour and having to be the one doing all the thinking and organising in the relationship the way it was before you had your son?

Relationships do change over time, especially once a baby is on the scene. Love is important but it can’t be sustained without trust and respect.

Your parter is not showing he respects and cares for you when he is happy for you to take the bulk of chores and emotional load in the relationship when you have said to him that it’s not working for you and you need him to be equal in the relationship instead of being another child. Over time, you will lose respect for him (happening already). It’s pretty bad that you’re giving into sex to keep him happy when he can’t be arsed working out what’s important to you and prioritising it, it shows he doesn’t care.

If you feel things are still salvageable I’d suggest some sort of couples counselling. However I wonder if you may be past that stage already if you can already envisage a separate life - perhaps individual sessions may help clarify your thinking and sometimes the ideal of a long happy relationship is not possible. Just don’t let it lie and do nothing, there’s life to be lived. 💐

I honestly don't know if I would or not if o met him now Finn. I know that he moved in here very quickly as he was living with his parents so as it's my home I already had all the paying of things set up so seemed convenient I guess.

And the thought of it just being me and my son really doesn't seem that scary. Yes I'd be a bit lonely for a while but I'd adapt and get used to it. I don't mind being alone.

He targeted you and he hit paydirt when he met you. He probably also met you when you were yourself at a very low point in your own life. Do not continue to carry on simply where his own mum and dad left off. He probably asked them for stuff too.

This is really no example of a relationship to be showing your son.

Better to be alone (and you are not really alone because you have your son here) than to be so badly accompanied.

If a friend was writing what you have here, what would your own counsel to her be?.

I agree with Hollowtalk. He sounds as if he has some sort of sleep apnoea, which is making him grumpy and lethargic. Get that sorted as the first stage in an action plan.

Lay it on the line with him. Unless things change, you are walking. No gaming or loafing around. List of chores to be done for each day. Even a 12 yr old can mow a lawn or cook an evening meal.

He's probably not v happy with himself, either, and retreats into games to forget about being overweight and slobbish. Relationship counselling too, because it might make him listen if someone else says it.

Tell him this is last chance saloon and spell out for him what his future is going to look like if he doesn't get his act together. You will be OK, but how will he cope? How will he feel about not seeing his son every day? Is that really what he wants?

But GP first to show that he is taking the problem seriously.

But hen because my mum sees how exhausted I am she helps me out with things and then I start feeling like I can't say anything to him because I'm not actually doing that much

You do realise that been exhausted from not stopping isn’t compatible with you not doing much?

He is a man child that refuses to lift his finger.
You asked him clearly several times to do x and y because it’s important to you and he doesn’t.
Do you really think that any of his actions shows any care, love or kindness towards you?

Re sleep apnea, yes this is totally possible.
Apart from the fact he was alway like this befire he started to snore badly.

His snoring is well and truly to do with weight gain. When he loses weight and is slimmer he doesn't snore at all. When he gains weight he snores. It's such an uncomfortable thing to discuss but I have had to have he discussion with him loads of times and yet he still gains the weight and keeps on with snoring.

If you want to keep going @Rebecca36 has good advice.

Having the same conversation more than twice never works! The second time might get through but from the third onwards it needs to be expressed differently or you'll get the same outcome.

Change your approach to a practical please do xyz as suggested by others and see if he hears you. Tell him xzy needs to change or we'll have to split.

That's the thing though, I do that already- I rephrase things or approach differently and they still don't get done. I say things have to change or we can't carry on and they ultimately always go back to the same.

Well there's your answer from him then. He's either unwilling or unable to change so it's up to you whether you want to continue in this relationship or not. Good luck

I've got to face it haven't I. I've spoken to my mum and my best friend about it at length and they both feel like there's only one way things are going to go ultimately, and that's with me asking him to leave. I just feel like a horrible person. I really don't want to hurt him and make him feel like I know he will feel. I've messaged him asking him to speak to his folks and see if he can stay there for a bit as I need some space and can't cope. I can't put a front on anymore it is breaking me.

You feel guilty? Well that's sad, because he sure as hell doesn't feel guilty about letting you and both your parents pick up his slack does he. Most people would be embarassed that they'd not cut the grass even once and their partners parent was doing it for them. He's making you responsible for him, and though you've asked him many times to change he hasn't. The truth is, he won't ever change, because living like this suits him. He can see surely how tired and ground down you are becoming, and still he puts himself first. I think you need to step back and look after you and your child, and let him find somewhere else to live. You can't fix him, or change him...and why the hell should you.

OK so you HAVE been clear then. At this point I agree with Ariclock. This is your relationship. As it stands now. This is all he is willing or able to offer you.

I got feelings that there are underlined issues which wasn't spoken/thought about. I think professional counselling can dig it out.

He's going to come back from work tonight and get some stuff and arrange to stay with his folks. I don't know if that means he is staying here tonight or going there tomorrow. My mum has taken my son for the night for me to make it all a little less stressful as I still need to be able to function for a 12 hour shift tomorrow. He's really upset. He says he's going to change and asking me not to do this. Feel drained. Have looked up the codependency thing- I am definitely in a 'caretaker' role.

"He's really upset. He says he's going to change and asking me not to do this".

Please do not fall for this from him re he going to change. He has had more than enough chances from you already. He has never felt guilty here and has almost succeeded in breaking you.

"Feel drained. Have looked up the codependency thing- I am definitely in a 'caretaker' role".

This is why I also mentioned codependency. Someone as well taught you to be codependent but you can break that particular behaviour.

How on earth do I break that though? Retrospectively I've always been in that role in romantic relationships.

He should be ashamed that your SF comes to mow your lawn.

He sounds intellectually challenged for want of a better description.

I’m afraid he’s gone from his parents house and moved in directly with you and he’s treating you the same. You’ve got 2 children, a baby and a man child, and it sounds like he’s perfectly happy with that set up. Good for you asking him to leave, sounds like he needs to stand in his own two feet for a while and maybe he’ll understand how it feels and what’s involved in looking after himself

He's been and picked up some things and has gone to stay at his parents. Absolutely exhausted by the whole thing to be honest.