Has my relationship run its course?

[ImgoingtoSHABOOMS]

Hi, haven't posted in relationships before so am a bit nervous about it, however, feel like I really need some objective advice.

I have a one year old son with my partner who lives with me. We've been together about 3 years (pregnancy was a surprise, but both happy about it). I've recently started to feel like I would be better off just me and my son and that actually my life would be so much easier. Me and my partner both work, him about 35 hours and me about 40 so similar. Because of the jobs we do we've managed to arrange shifts so we haven't got to use a nursery and my mum helps on the other days which suits us all well. My mum is amazing and also helps me get housework done on my days off, so we do a lot of it together really. His only job he does is the washing up after dinner. That is genuinely it.

The problem is that on my days off (with my son) I don't stop as I do all the running around that needs doing- food shopping, meal prepping, general errands, cleaning- as well as always make sure I have time to do something nice with the baby too so take him out etc. My partner doesn't drive so I know he's limited with some of that stuff. I also deal with all the bills and household expenditure- he just pays £x a month to me when he gets paid as to be honest I don't think things would actually get done if he was responsible for any of it- he has a really poor memory for that kind of thing and has to be reminded lots of times before he does the most simple of things (eg like write his shifts on the calendar). When my son is napping I get bits and bobs done. When my son naps with my partner there he just plays on his tablet. I feel like I'm becoming a nag as I'm constantly having to ask him to do things and repeat myself over several days until they get done. He spends his time alone playing computer games. I spend mine getting stuff done!

He hasn't been sleeping in he main bedroom for a good while now as when he gains weight he snores really badly and i just can't sleep so is in the other room. He knows that al he needs to do to stop snoring is to lose a bit of weight as that worked the last few times this happened. But still he isn't losing it. I hate speaking to him about it as I really don't feel comfortable telling him what he should do with his own body. Saying that, if I don't remind him to shave or cut his hair he just won't bother (so I now just remind him if we going somewhere with friends/family).

We have pretty much zero sex life. I just don't want it anymore to be honest. He will try and get me to be interested and will ask me to do things but to be honest it just feels awkward and makes me cringe. I sometimes give in just to stop him asking.

I could probably deal with some of this if it wasn't for the fact that he is plain miserable I the mornings until around lunch time. After that he's great fun and good company. Before then he's just so so grumpy. And nothing snaps him out of it. I wake up on our days off together in a good mood looking forward to the day and within about ten minutes it has been totally shat on by his mood. I end up arranging to go out with other people and my son.

We have a conversation every six months of so about all of this, he promises to make more effort and to stop being grumpy etc and it changes for a bit. But then gradually goes back. I spoke to him about it all again on Sunday and he's said the usual stuff and is trying a bit now, but I almost feel resentful now?

The thing is the thought of asking him to leave makes me feel sick as I know he'll be devastated and as I own the house he would be the one to leave. And I don't know where he'd go. Or how he'd cope. Or if he would get depression again (he used to have depression and self harm). And I hate the idea of hurting him so much because I do love and care about him, I'm just not sure if I can handle any more of this.

Am I just repeating the same thing over and over again? I just don't know what to do. Never thought I'd be considering being a single mum.

I was married to someone very similar for 18 years, trust me, no amount of sit down chats, lists and chore rotas will make him into a proactive partner happy to pull his weight. This is fundamentally who he is, a lazy, selfish, unthinking manchild. Don't feel guilty by getting him out, as a pp pointed out, he doesn't feel guilty letting you, your mum and dad give him an easy ride. Thank your lucky stars you are not married!! Stay strong op

I'm the same as @Ruddygreattiger2016

17 years. I was literally the mum for the kids and him. Working full time doing everything. 'All' he did was work and come home to play games till early morning. There was no co-parenting unless I asked him to do something or look after the kids.
I leave the house at 8am each morning, after kids are school ready and having breakfast...all he had to do was take over and drop them to school before work. He would let them fend for themselves, get up 8.30 and take them 5 mins late. The laziness and non involvement was too much. I became resentful. He didn't change. I was far from a wife at all. It pained me but I ended it. He now lives abroad and I feel much better. At least dropping kids myself before work I know they are ok and taken care of. One life. Gotta live it happily x

Well done! You've done the hardest bit. He sounds like a total nightmare, and completely useless too.
Just be strong now, make a list of why you've done it (maybe keep a copy of this thread) and read it every time you start to feel sorry for him

Thank you for all of your support, I really do appreciate it. Have woken up feeling very sad this morning. I know it's to be expected but it doesn't make it any easier I guess.

You are grieving for what could have been.
It’s totally normal and, as for any major loss, it will take time to settle.

I suspect you have some hard times in front of you, not the least because, atm, the break is probably temporary in his mind.

I think that's exactly what it feels like, like I'm grieving for what we could be because even though I've pointed out all the bad stuff here, he's actually not a bad person at all. He's very funny and can be excellent company. But it's just not enough for me now, I know that. Feeling a bit numb about it all at the moment really, I think as well because I know he hopes it's just a blip.

Maybe he can change. But he has chosen not to do so while living with you, and now he has to change while living somewhere else. Tell him you need to know he is an independent capable adult. Realistically though he is going to his parents and he won’t do anything there either. You get to concentrate on your little one now :)

In truth OP you are both not meeting each other’s needs in this relationship. Even a planned child brings huge changes - and when it’s unplanned, making the transition can be more uphill.
He will pick up on your resentment, and the lack of intimacy in your relationship will affect his mood, and quite possibly his self confidence and motivation.
I think you need to lay things on the line as to what you and he both need from each other and whether you can change behaviours and overcome the resentment that has come between you.
People are not fixed entities and parenthood is something most people have to grow into, but his time is running out.

The thing is Dadaist it's not a chance in the relationship since becoming parents. These problems were here before our son came along.

Sorry shabooms - I think I’d added details from another similar thread to your story. Trouble is that issues that are an annoyance before children, like laziness, sloppiness or moodiness are magnified and become intolerable when a child comes along.
If he is young and willing to undertake some male self improvement - and you were willing to give him that space to step up to his responsibilities- then tell him that.
It sounds like it may be painful to split - so explore with him where things are at for you - recognise it’s affected how you feel about him and that may have affected him in return - and see if there is a way out of this. If not then the alternative to separate is still there but you will have at least tried. Good luck OP.

We are in our 30s so he's not young. I just don't know if I have the energy to even try anymore, it will feel forced. I don't want to be with someone I feel pity for. Surely that's not normal?

Actually op you don’t know how he’d feel if you split up. And you’re not responsible for how he feels, he’s an adult and has had lots of chances to act like one.
You are responsible for your child . Does he want to grow up
In a house where his father just grows hair and nothing else? And his mother is stressed, exhausted , resentful and stretched very thin?

Tell him to move out, get his act together and come back when he shows he can do it. Otherwise you are colliding with his inertia and la l of self respect.
I know this sounds harsh, I’m not saying it’s the easy thing to do, but it’s the right thing all round.

I'm not sure that does sound harsh to be honest, it's how I'm feeling right now

So today has been very up and down. I know is to be expected but do keep having points where I'm doubting myself then points where I know it's right.

We’re in very similar situations. My OH is exactly the same. Lazy as hell, we talk, he changes briefly, then reverts back to normal. I’m on the verge of ending it but am too scared because I do love him and he also suffers from depression. But my life would be soooooo much easier if he wasn’t around.

It’s hard to decide when you’ve reached that end point isn’t it. I think I’m going to do it and then come home, see him and change my mind. It’s impossible. I’m sure the day will come but I’m not there yet.

Wishing you all the courage in the world xx

Thanks Megan. It feels really weird at the moment, but at the same time I'm not crying all the time or anything and I managed fine at work yesterday so that must mean something I guess. Do you think you would be able to ask him to go stay somewhere for a bit to get your head clear?