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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suspicious and need help 'find my iPhone'

78 replies

145234LJ · 10/09/2018 21:53

DH has warned me he's going out on Thursday eve, with friends over an hour away. In all the time we've been married (15 years) I don't think he's ever gone out on a week night with these friends. Given that he'd be getting the last train back (11pm) and won't get there until 8pm it just doesn't seem believable that he'd make the effort to do that on a week night for such a short period of time. Especially as he only spent the day with these friends just last weekend.

I queried it and sounded surprised but he brushed it off and I got busy dealing with the kids. I've just sat down and it popped back in my head. It really seems strange. Marriage has been very rocky the past year.

I'm not a snooper but am genuinely baffled as what to do here. Instinct tells me something's not right. I don't know his password for his iPhone login or else I could just use Find My IPhone from his iPad on Thurs eve. Any other suggestions as to what I can do?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/09/2018 07:44

whynot that's been fixed in an iOS update - it no longer works on my iPhone or DPs. It was a pretty major security breach!

whynot93 · 11/09/2018 08:14

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
Worked for me just now as I tried it

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 11/09/2018 08:18

Since as you can’t get access to the phone, could you afford to get a PI for the evening? Probably cost around £300 - £500.

chasinggarlic · 11/09/2018 08:29

Massive drip feed coming?

Changedname3456 · 11/09/2018 08:30

Jesus - for one night out?! You’d all be screaming “controlling” if reversed. Are all norms of reasonable behaviour fair game just on the basis of one “unusual” night?

swingofthings · 11/09/2018 08:35

I assumed you asked the reason for getting together on a week day? What did he say? Going to dinner to celebrate a special birthday would be reasonable. You could then chech that person's bday on FB.

Saggital · 11/09/2018 08:43

LTiP

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 09:12

I'm assuming there's lots more to it that the OP has chosen to keep private.

NerrSnerr · 11/09/2018 09:19

If you're suspicious of what sounds like a normal evening out that you're planning on tracking him then your marriage is over. You may as well just leave him now.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 11/09/2018 09:29

Gut instinct is usually correct but some people want that validation (that they’re not going crazy) before they end something as significant as a marriage. I can totally understand where the OP is coming from. I chose to ignore my gut instinct only to be totally blindsided when my ex finished with me , blaming me for everything. I believed him , thought that I had been a terrible partner.... 2 weeks later he is in a full blown relationship with the ow and I got told later on by mutual “friends” that it had been happening for months. I felt humiliated as if I had known I would have walked there and then.

Changedforpost · 11/09/2018 09:38

Reading these posts I'm.pretty shocked that In a group of adults everyone's main suggestion is to Invade his privacy, back his phone and stalk him. Why don't you talk to him and tell him your worries. Communication is needed in a relationship. Maybe lack of communication is why you are on the rocks in the first place

DontCallMeCharlotte · 11/09/2018 09:45

Do you have reason not to trust him OP?

Kennycalmit · 11/09/2018 10:11

My god. If this was the other way round you’d all be laying into the man. I’ve read posts on here where the husband has tracked his wife and he’s been labelled a creep, advised the wife to contact police etc

This is no different!!

He is going for ONE EVENING OUT! And you’re all advising her to track him, hire investigators, hack into his phone etc. HUGE invasion of privacy here.

Okay so maybe it isn’t normal for him to go out on a week night evening but does that really justify invading his personal space and stalking him? No, it really doesn’t.

What strikes me is the fact that because he’s arranged 1 evening out the OP is automatically suspicious. If my DP told me he was heading out one evening when usually he’d be in doors I’d tell him to have a good night, my initial response wouldn’t be ‘oh my god I must track him down and find what he’s really doing’.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to step away from these replies. Stalking his where abouts is not normal and isn’t fair. If you have genuine suspicions then why don’t you just ask to see his phone when he isn’t expecting it? If he says no then you know he’s hiding something. If he hands it over then there’s no problem.

I posted on here a little while ago. I received a message from DP which wasn’t for me, and not knowing the full story it did raise my eyebrows. I asked him outright and he gave me an explanation and showed me his phone to prove. I couldn’t imagine going to all the ball ache of stalking him Confused

user14869556378 · 11/09/2018 11:26

Agree with Kenny!

Ioki · 11/09/2018 11:30

Don’t trust ‘find my iPhone’ for accurate tracking results. I lost my phone once after a long day out and used find my iPhone to try and find it, the tracker showed the phone getting further and further away until eventually it was somewhere thirty minutes away from my home... we then found it under the sofa in the living room. The tracking is not accurate.

TryingToThinkPositively · 11/09/2018 11:38

Can only echo what Kenny said.

Going to this much trouble for one night out isn't on. You have to imagine if the roles were reversed - if you told your husband you were going out with girlfriends for a few hours even though you'd seen them at the weekend, would you then tolerate him tracking your phone and being unbearably suspicious of your whereabouts? Would you be okay with him acting that way? Or would you bite his head off and think he was nuts for wanting to know why you wanted to go out with friends for a little while?

If you have other concerns besides him wanting to go out, then you have reason and a right to be wary, but I'm really struggling to get my head around why this is such a huge issue and why people are telling you to look in to a PI Hmm

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 11/09/2018 11:43

If you have other concerns besides him wanting to go out, then you have reason and a right to be wary

The op has already advised that she has a gut instinct that something is not quite right , the behaviour is not usual for him as he met the same set of friends recently and wouldn’t normally go to these efforts, so I think she has already answered this.

dirtybadger · 11/09/2018 11:48

If my DP hired a PI or tracked my phone I would be out the door. So if you do something like that, Just be prepared that if he isn't doing anything it might mean the end if he finds out!

TryingToThinkPositively · 11/09/2018 11:54

Perhaps it's just me then, but I don't see how socialising with the same group of friends twice in one week is something to be suspicious about. OP has said that her husband goes out during the week with local friends, so it doesn't seem unfeasible that he'd meet other friends mid week too.

Regardless, I really don't think tracking his phone or hiring somebody is a good way to handle this.

A frank conversation should be had if you're that worried, OP. Alleviate any fears you may have by simply broaching the subject with him again, and explain that you're confused by him going out and why he's making the effort to travel etc. You said he brushed the conversation off last time, so try sitting him down again and being brutally honest about how you feel and the gut feeling you have, then take it from there regarding his response.

Hope you get the answer you're looking for.

ems137 · 11/09/2018 11:55

Me, DH and DS have "find my friends" activated on our phones so that we can see where each other are whenever we need to.

For us, it comes in handy on planning dinners or saves having to call to say "have you set off yet?" Plus DH commutes on a motorbike and had an accident 2 years ago and I do worry if he runs later than expected.

If you can get into his phone, go into the yellow "find my friends" app and click on share location with "your name". Unless he goes into the app he won't be aware it's turned on but you have to think, if he does see it then I'm sure he'll be pissed off and could cause huge problems!

TeaForDad · 11/09/2018 11:57

Why not buy an ankle tag and a blimp on a rope tied to him. Ffs.
If you don't trust each other and you can't trust him to be out for the evening you might as well just leave him

JamesBlonde1 · 11/09/2018 11:58

A couple of thoughts.

If you have some gut instinct of him up to no good where has it come from?

Was he definitely with these friends on Sunday gone?

If he is planning to see OW on Thursday and they only plan to go to the pub then your tracking idea won’t really help, as he could just be there with his mates.

DastardlyAndMuttley · 11/09/2018 11:59

Agree with Kenny

chasinggarlic · 11/09/2018 12:05

If you can get into his phone, go into the yellow "find my friends" app and click on share location with "your name"

Fuck no. Don't do this. That's creepy to say the least.

MrMeSeeks · 11/09/2018 12:26

This is wrong.
If this was a bloke he’d be crucified.
If you don’t trust him to this extend end the relationship

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