How to kill your sex drive...answers on a postcard please.

[IslaDove]

I'm 45 and am experiencing a massive uptick in my sexual desire, lucky me. I think about it a lot! All day at work (maybe it's the sitting down) and pretty much any time I'm alone with my thoughts. Not quite at teenage level but a close second. I have so much DIY experience I could work in B&Q. But what I really really want is a man after midnight.

However, I'm not in a position to have sex due to the fact my husband lives downstairs. He has zero sexual interest (13 years of our 20 year relationship have been sexless, although not continuously) and I have children (12 & 16), with the eldest being on the autism spectrum. They would bear the financial brunt of a split. I'm lucky to be married to an emotionally balanced man, who is a peaceful housemate & intelligent, albeit set in his ways and probably, deep down, no longer in love with me.

I can't have an affair either because I'm an extremely sensitive person and couldn't cope with the emotional rollercoaster of falling for someone else, or worse having sex with someone I didn't have feelings for (stomach lurch, I'd enough of that in my twenties).

Therefore I need to find peace and acceptance. And losing my sexual desires would be a major step in finding peace. No mother walks out on her children just so she can have more sex (and I'm under no illusions about what's out there) and I know I'm not alone being in this position...…..all ideas welcome.

No mother walks out on her children just so she can have more sex

If you split up, you wouldn't be walking out on your children would you?

In another 6 years, they will both be adults and you'll only be 51...you could have another 40 years ahead of you.

If you want to lose your libido, can I have it please? I could do with one

I should add that this has been talked about in the past, but nothing changes. It just is what it is. And a split requires someone to leave; since he's happy with the status quo then that would fall to me and the children would pay the price. I know I have a kind, strong man and there's a lot worse things than a sexless marriage with no intimacy.....losing sexual desire would solve my discontent I suppose.

What's wrong with a "relaxing bath" each night?

Just go on tinder

I have zero drive though, so...

I think you've got to try and take a risk somehow or else nothing will change, how can it? Staying as you are is making you miserable. Understandable apprehension about starting something with someone new. Or trying again with your husband.

Least if you're single you are free to do as you please instead of feeling trapped.

Have you suggested an open marriage to your husband?

Why not go on one of those websites where married people offer no strings attached-type-hook-ups. I normally wouldn't suggest such a thing but in your case it might help?

If if was just sexual satisfaction you wanted I'm sure you could take care of that yourself. Its the physical intimacy you want too.

Get yourself on a site like Ashley Madison or illicit encounters and meet someone in the same boat.

A friend of mine was in a sexless marriage, and trapped due to young kids... everything was in the DHs mothers name so she would have walked away with 4 kids and nothing. So she met different men over the years. Kept her sane, although you must keep someone in the loop and tell them what you're doing/where/when for your safety. There are a lot of men out there in exactly the same boat as you.

I can't have an affair either because I'm an extremely sensitive person and couldn't cope with the emotional rollercoaster of falling for someone else, or worse having sex with someone I didn't have feelings for (stomach lurch, I'd enough of that in my twenties).*

But what I really really want is a man after midnight.

I'm confused OP.........Do you want a FWB to call round at 00.05?

Have you talked about an open marriage?

When I was referring to a man after midnight, it was the song by Abba - I forget my age sometimes! Lots of suggestions saying I should look for a no strings encounter which is actually very liberating. In real life, people judge others so harshly for that; the Ashley Madison website hack for instance. I do miss physical intimacy, it hurts me from the minute I wake up, but lots of people do without it. People who are single for a long time, other people in my shoes. How do they cope with the yearning for something they know they can't have? What techniques do they use to kill the desire?

Lots of exercise I think. The MAMIL is a cliche for a reason. So many of my friends are taking up triathlons, half marathons, rowing, sportive cycling... I'm an awful lot fitter myself since becoming single while in perimenopause and terrifying myself with my sex drive. I'm also a regular at lovehoney.

TBH I assume time will take care of it. I have friends and family who post menopause assure me that they have turned to stone below the waist. This is not a pleasant thought (and currently I have to stop imagining The Conversation where I suggest helping their husbands out) but it seems quite a likely outcome for me.

Tbh it’s the lack of intimacy (as the no connexion on a emotional level) plus been taken for granted that killed my libido....
Probably not helpful for you.

Second best to cope is to remember that my dcs won’t be teenagers and ta home for ever so in xx years I will be able to just leave and find someone (for sex, a relationhsip, whatever)

OP - Ashley Maddison hack happened a while ago. And it only affected men - women don’t need to register with credit cards - and hence their identity is protected.
You don’t even need to put up pictures - not on Illicit Encounters anyway....

There are plenty of people in the same boat as you on those websites. And - from what I observed in friends who used them - it’s not a no-strings-sex-with-a-total-stranger - people tend to chat, meet up first to see if they like each other, and then if there is a spark - they go further.
So - no - it’s not ‘love’ that that are looking for or getting - but a friendly connection. And good sex too.
It can be liberating that way.

It sounds very sad that you are willing your years away. And waiting for your body to shut down.
Just because your H doesn’t want to have sex.

Phone sex can be intimate with the right person. It can also be NSA. So no roller coaster emotional upheaval. And it can be ended quickly if needs be. No need to leave the house. No need to meet. It has its positives.

Well I never thought I’d live to see the day that people were suggesting the use of cheating websites on MN Relationship board - it’s normally down like a ton of bricks on anyone even comptemplating sexual shenanigans. I’m not judging by the way - relationships can be messy and complicated and if you’ve never been in a sexless relationship I imagine it’s difficult to appreciate how impactive it can be. To re-iterate what a pp has said though breaking up with your partner ( with good reason) is not walking out on your children. There are a myriad of reasons that people split up that are not “ walking out on the children”. Although I appreciate that the person who has been left often frame it like that. If your libido has recently increased then I suggest you google “ Sex Surge” to find some information on what it’s all about - this at least might reassure you that you’re not alone ( you might also want to check out a thread on the menopause board on this very issue although I’m afraid there is no cure as such. ).

You’ve been in a sexless relationship for 12 years.
This is your life.

I don't think you can kill a high sec drive. Just run with it & it will abate. A good vibrator & regular self sessions are good for you...not as good as intimacy & sex I know but I do think the sexual energy just has to get out.

Have you mentioned this to your DH? I know ye don't have sex etc. But I wonder how he'd react if he knew you were sexually frustrated & thatbots affecting your day to day life. Your set-up is fine if both people are okay with it but I wonder if he knows that you're not really ...

Also, Silly question but do you think sex is definitely off the table with your husband?

Love the tip about exercise, thank you 😊. Getting ripped at the same time sounds like a win win to me.
Thanks also for tip about Sex Surge - I never knew there was such a thing.
But it is sad, I know that, to will my life away until my body shuts down, at least in that way.

Thanks Isitovernow. Those are pertinent questions. We talked last year, I told him how I felt, he listened, he said he’d make more effort. But it’s like those speed awareness courses - people come out all reformed and within a week they’re back to their old driving habits. He lives downstairs and I’m withdrawn. I’m now at the stage where I simply couldn’t get the words out - I’ve contemplated writing him a letter but the written word may come out wrong. I am having counselling though, by myself obviously. It’s early days. Truth is, I’m scared of hearing what I don’t want to hear.

Woul you like your children’s lives to end up like this