How to kill your sex drive...answers on a postcard please.

[IslaDove]

I'm 45 and am experiencing a massive uptick in my sexual desire, lucky me. I think about it a lot! All day at work (maybe it's the sitting down) and pretty much any time I'm alone with my thoughts. Not quite at teenage level but a close second. I have so much DIY experience I could work in B&Q. But what I really really want is a man after midnight.

However, I'm not in a position to have sex due to the fact my husband lives downstairs. He has zero sexual interest (13 years of our 20 year relationship have been sexless, although not continuously) and I have children (12 & 16), with the eldest being on the autism spectrum. They would bear the financial brunt of a split. I'm lucky to be married to an emotionally balanced man, who is a peaceful housemate & intelligent, albeit set in his ways and probably, deep down, no longer in love with me.

I can't have an affair either because I'm an extremely sensitive person and couldn't cope with the emotional rollercoaster of falling for someone else, or worse having sex with someone I didn't have feelings for (stomach lurch, I'd enough of that in my twenties).

Therefore I need to find peace and acceptance. And losing my sexual desires would be a major step in finding peace. No mother walks out on her children just so she can have more sex (and I'm under no illusions about what's out there) and I know I'm not alone being in this position...…..all ideas welcome.

Wanting to further dull your sex drive is not the answer here.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something still keeps you within this so what is it?.

I would look into starting divorce proceedings. You're both unhappy together so why are you still together?. For the kids, habit, financial pressures, fear of being on your own?. It may well be a combination of all that and more besides and that is something I would level at both of you equally.

What sort of relationship are you both modelling to your children here?. They know all too well that things are not great at home between you and dad and they certainly realise that he lives downstairs. Their friends parents do not do that. Your children will not say thanks mum or dad for remaining together particularly if you are both stupid and selfish enough to be doing this for them. You have stayed to date for your own reasons, nothing to do with these children.

This is a very sad way to look at your situation. I divorced for exactly these reasons. It took 18 months for everything to work itself out and for me to finally be living what I can honestly say is my best life. I haven’t regretted it for even a minute. Nostalgia, of course, but I have never regretted my decision. My life is so good now. So much more than the obvious improves. It’s like a positive feedback loop.

We have one life. Only one shot at every second, hour or moment. Please reconsider ending this unhappy marriage because it does sound like it would be best for everyone. You love your children and I’m sure will work things out along the way so that they feel supported and as comfortable with things as possible.

I wonder what your children make of him sleeping downstairs.

For me the fact that you don't share a bed with him living downstairs says it all.

When you first met was he into sex...did he initiate or just go along with it?

Some people aren't into sex...but put on an act to reel in a partner for marriage. So what you end up with is the real person.

When you do have sex.. is he a good lover?

Some possibilities are that he's asexual, has low testosterone, isn't comfortable with his body/performance or he's not sexually attracted to you and is having sex elsewhere.

Fuck it pass the wine. I was going to say the same.
I would talk to my H and see if a compromise could be reached. 45 it's way too young to not have a sex life.

We talked last year, I told him how I felt, he listened, he said he’d make more effort. But it’s like those speed awareness courses - people come out all reformed and within a week they’re back to their old driving habits. He lives downstairs and I’m withdrawn. I’m now at the stage where I simply couldn’t get the words out - I’ve contemplated writing him a letter but the written word may come out wrong. I am having counselling though, by myself obviously. It’s early days. Truth is, I’m scared of hearing what I don’t want to hear

I've read the whole thread and I can see why people are suggesting divorce but it's clear from your OP that you don't think that's an option right now. That might well change but I do get the impression that there's a bit of a communication breakdown going on here. Since you are married to him and it doesn't sound like you're leaving any day soon, why don't you let your DH know just how much this is affecting you? It doesn't sound like you're overly confrontational. I'd imagine you'll find a way of wording it well. Reach out to him.

The fear you have of hearing what you don't want to hear is surely no worse than how you feel now. What's the worst he can say? In your OP, you allude to him perhaps not being in love with you. What about you? How do you feel about him? Would you like to get naked with him or does the thought turn you off? Would you like to be intimate with him again? I think by reaching out to him, you could well rescue you both from the brink...it's a possibility.

I kill mine daily by watching he news, just seeing what men have been up to puts me right off.

The depth and diversity of opinions and responses is what I love about mumsnet. Even when I don’t agree, at least I’m challenged to think why I disagree. I still find my husband attractive at 53; there was never anybody meaningful before he came along. Empty relationships just going through the motions to avoid the stigma of being single. Maybe this situation could be turned around but it will only fall to me, because everything always has. But it’s gone on for so long that I simply wouldn’t know where to begin. Believe it or not, we haven’t been out for dinner, just the two of us, since 2005 (or was it earlier - I never thought to make a note of the date because I didn’t know it would be the last time). When we don’t share a bed and dinner is gulped down whilst doing paperwork there’s simply never a right moment to bring the subject up. xxx

Sounds utterly soul destryoing. Sorry. Perhaps you think this is ok. Lack of sex is one thing. Lack of intimacy is another

Could you book dinner, make arrangements & take him out to talk? It might be too important not to. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I've always romanced the men ive gone out with. I don't think it has to fall on them. I know you've DCs but could you plan for it? It sounds like you're in it for the long haul so why not do your best to make it a more pleasant, fulfilling life.

P.S. I know he has to do his share too but first you need to open up so he knows how you feel.

I would just out right ask if he would have any problems with you bringing another man into the marriage. When he says wtf why? Tell him you still want to have sex and as he clearly doesn't having another partner as part of an open marriage would be a way round it.

OP, you mentioned earlier about maybe writing a letter to your husband. I think that's a great idea. I always find I can write things down better and get across what I want to say better than in a face to face conversation.

If you try not to analyse your words as you're writing, just let it all come out, then re read and change some things if necessary. Usually what comes out first seems to be more natural though, with me anyway I feel.

I think you've started to make a change even with this thread. Maybe the first step to turning things around. Your husband may feel similar to you but it sounds like it's been so long since you communicated properly you're so disconnected to each other.

Even if you don't give him the letter, I bet it'll help you just to get things out and written down.

You only get one life. Don't look back in years to come with regret that you wasted so much time in a sexless marriage.

You might be thinking you'll leave when the kids are older. All that does it make you older too and in all honesty....makes it harder to find a new partner when youth isn't on your side.

I am of the opinion that a good partnership, shared responsibility of children and financial security are more important to wellbeing than sex. How sure are you that your DH has no sexual urges, as the obvious solution would be to try to rekindle what you once had. I don't think sexual intimacy is necessarily worth everything else you stand to lose.

Is there a stigma to being single? I feel kind of superior that I'm independent in comparison to most women and have managed everything on my own!

I feel kind of superior that I'm independent in comparison to most women and have managed everything on my own!

There’s no stigma to being single or in fact to being in a relationship / marriage. I can assure you most attached women I know are more than capable so I feel your superiority is massively misplaced.

I know they are capable. But i choose to be that on my own, not relinquish it so i can be at the hands of a man.
Its a choice im proud of not being independent.

not to relinquish it so I can be at the hands of a man I don't think that has to be the case does it. I'm not sure why you feel higher or above women with partners. I say that as someone that's been running the show on my own for a long time.

This thread shows some of the worst of MN. I can't believe in a million years that some of the responses on here would be given to a man who wanted sex but his wife didn't, and frankly i'm shocked, but not surprised, at how blatant this is. Would anyone seriously propose the below to a man? or even accept someone else suggesting it?

"Just go on tinder"

"Why not go on one of those websites where married people offer no strings attached-type-hook-ups"

"Get yourself on a site like Ashley Madison or illicit encounters"

"Phone sex can be intimate with the right person. It can also be NSA"

"You get one life. Find a guy in the same boat"

I challenge the posters who made the above comments to state that they would say the same to a man in this situation. I seriously doubt they will...

They are not married, they are separated. They just live in the same house.

There is no emotional or physical intimacy , they don’t socialise together . They don’t even talk over shared meals.

Is what sense is this a marriage or partnership ?

Vitalogy no but it often is the case.
I don't walk around feeling superior! I just feel quietly pleased with myself when attached women are either scared to leave a bad relationship due to fear of being single, hearing women who feel stigmatised for being or are imminently going to be single, and women terrified of being single parents.
I think fuck, I've done all those things, I'm strong.
It doesn't mean I'm stronger than other women, most would find the strength if needed. But I'm bloody proud to have done it alone, to have got my own house and raised my kids singlehanded. Quite rightly.
Doing it with a partner is a bloody site easier when you have the load to share so yes, going it alone takes guts.

@BillMasen
I’d tell the same exact thing to a man too. Actually.

Most honest thing in this situation would be to propose/discuss an open relationship. However, it’s not realistic - as most people won’t be able to actually handle it.

So - yes. Given that the physical part of the relationship is broken down, apparently irretrievably - yet the break up isn’t what they want - the only option - other than a one-sided suppression of libido is gojng outside of marriage for sex.

Wow - this has drawn some strong words and opinions. I've been handling my situation with DIY - intensely pleasurable but a profoundly lonely experience. I am an introvert with a strong imagination, and retreating into fantasy helps too. Walter Mitty has nothing on me. At night I hug a huge plushy teddy, but Sunday mornings are the worst. I long for a cuddle, funny chats, giggles, slow sex without the urgency of having to get up for work. The warmth. Feeling loved. Now they are spent checking my phone, occasionally DIY for which I feel wretched and depraved but at least it kills the yearning for a bit.
Of course there is more to this story, there always is, but all that I was asking was how to cope with where I am now. If my marriage broke up, the rural area where we live would be out of our reach to live which would mean the boys changing schools. With one on the autism spectrum that just isn't an option. It's not about material wealth - a nice view from your bedroom window is no comfort for a cold marital bed. I'd be happy living anywhere if I felt loved and it was a reciprocated feeling. But that's never going to happen. I had it once and that chapter is over.

It is comforting to know there are others out there in the same boat. And sharing it here too, even if people do think I'm a coward for being scared to go it alone. And of course they're right.