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Original poster

How to kill your sex drive...answers on a postcard please.

73 replies

IslaDove · 10/09/2018 19:35

I'm 45 and am experiencing a massive uptick in my sexual desire, lucky me. I think about it a lot! All day at work (maybe it's the sitting down) and pretty much any time I'm alone with my thoughts. Not quite at teenage level but a close second. I have so much DIY experience I could work in B&Q. But what I really really want is a man after midnight.

However, I'm not in a position to have sex due to the fact my husband lives downstairs. He has zero sexual interest (13 years of our 20 year relationship have been sexless, although not continuously) and I have children (12 & 16), with the eldest being on the autism spectrum. They would bear the financial brunt of a split. I'm lucky to be married to an emotionally balanced man, who is a peaceful housemate & intelligent, albeit set in his ways and probably, deep down, no longer in love with me.

I can't have an affair either because I'm an extremely sensitive person and couldn't cope with the emotional rollercoaster of falling for someone else, or worse having sex with someone I didn't have feelings for (stomach lurch, I'd enough of that in my twenties).

Therefore I need to find peace and acceptance. And losing my sexual desires would be a major step in finding peace. No mother walks out on her children just so she can have more sex (and I'm under no illusions about what's out there) and I know I'm not alone being in this position...…..all ideas welcome.

OP posts:
LadyMofMtsensk · 10/09/2018 22:52

You get one life. Find a guy in the same boat. You're on a rollercoaster anyway - might as well make it a fun one.

MistressDeeCee · 10/09/2018 22:53

It's a shame to live like that for the sake of 'things' be that bricks and mortar, money, or just 'stuff'. Your children aren't that young. Their dad lives in the house so you can get out to meet someone occasionally it's not as if they'd be home alone. But you don't. want an affair so then, sex is out of the question isn't it.

As you're saying 'I cant' to so many options, maybe you can drink something natural but akin to Bromide to kill your libido, who knows? It won't kill the yearn for intimacy, being held and wanted tho .

I'm 55 been married and divorced before, didn't even meet the absolute love of my life till I was 50. We have a great sex life and social life. If you think menopause will certainly zap your sex drive you are very much mistaken. You've got years of frustration ahead of you is the most likely scenario.

What's the point.

Musti · 10/09/2018 23:02

Why is he living downstairs? And even if he doesn't want sex, does he not want cuddles etc? If not then I would leave. He may be a good man and father but he's not a good husband. You can split up but continue coparenting for a few years. Lots of people remain in the same house for a year or two or more whilst split up. I've been living in the same house as my ex for over a year and though I'm buying a house, it'll still be another month at least before I move. I've been dating the last few months and have had amazing sex. I'm chatting to a few guys who I'll take more seriously once I move.

Teuchterlass · 10/09/2018 23:13

Would you like my Ex's phone number? He killed my sex drive stone dead.

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/09/2018 00:09

Why is everyone suggesting cheating and "hook ups"?

No reason why you can't separate and he leave the family home to go do his own thing. OP is in a sexless marriage. A loveless one too! You'd be doing him a favour as much as you if you end things. Has stuck in his ways and so are you. Difference is, you want to do something about it!

So do it. Tell him you want to separate. Tell him you're unhappy and you want an intimate relationship with a man which you're not getting at home.

Why should you have to sneak off? It's unfaithful and are you sure you could live with yourself?

Vitalogy · 11/09/2018 04:04

In real life, people judge others so harshly for that It's your life, you can't live it through others.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 11/09/2018 04:32

Going on the pill worked for me.
Though a friend was in a marriage for 10 years without sex, or companionship, he Just wanted to play online games. My friend asked him to move out, he refused. So she moved out of the bedroom and stayed in the house, but left the relationship. She wanted to go out and have hobbies, or see friends. She sat him down and explained she was happy to parent together, but the relationship was over. They split the bills 50/50 stopped being his maid and went out and did her own thing some of the time. She did meet someone else and when the youngest finished highschool she moved out.

Luloooo · 11/09/2018 04:37

Those of you suggesting she hook up with someone or have an affair, would you give the advice to a man in a similar position too? I doubt it.
Typical MN double standards.

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 05:07

My friend has just found her 'D'H on a hook up site and the messages from her are heartbreaking. She wanted fidelity or divorce. Please don't follow the advice to go after a married man.

MistressDeeCee · 11/09/2018 05:09

Why is everyone suggesting cheating and "hook ups?

I'm not. I think OP should try to meet someone who understands her situation, and take it from there. This doesn't seem like a marriage to me - not only no sex, but lack of intimacy too. I can't be asked to moralise about it. If the H was interested in sex she'd know about it. He isn't.

Lulooo yes, it's double standards. Women advised to stay and cheat, so they can have the comfort of home life and finance. "Things" that tie people into life-wasting situations as its easier than leaving, isn't it? & after all "I stayed for the kids" is deemed a good enough reason

Meanwhile, men who consider being with another woman due to sexless marriage are roundly ticked off and told they should take it slow with wife, try to understand her, give back rubs, don't attempt intimacy....for years, however long it takes, they've to literally bow down and hope for sex with their life partner.

Nonsensical.

thisisntmeok · 11/09/2018 05:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stellabird · 11/09/2018 05:16

If you can't have an affair , but want sex with a real-life man.....a separation sounds like your only option. Yes, kids would be financially affected by a separation / divorce , but many women have gone down that path and survived. If you are virtually living alone now, there wouldn't be much difference.

Pringlecat · 11/09/2018 05:55

I lost my sex drive when my ex started shouting at me all the time and drinking. I thought it was me, and something was wrong with my sex drive, but it turns out I only didn't feel like having sex, because when in a relationship with him, my only option was having sex with him and I really, really didn't want to. I think it's a common female response - if we feel someone is being unkind to us, we find it difficult to find them attractive.

So... my only solution to killing your sex drive is learning to hate your husband. Which isn't really a solution. Mind you, staying in a sexless marriage isn't really an option either. You say he probably doesn't love you anymore - is that the reason why you don't sleep together? Splitting up over sex may be one thing, but splitting up because neither of you actually loves the other person anymore and therefore neither of you has the passion to fight to save the marriage, is really quite a different kettle of fish.

cordeliavorkosigan · 11/09/2018 06:00

Either sex is so important that it pretty much defines our relationships forever, or it isn't.
If it is then both people in a monogamous relationship should try to make it work for both parties, or the relationship should end.
If it isn't that important (to him), then it should be OK to open things up and get sex elsewhere, consensually.
Don't take the worst, for you, of both of these inconsistent views, even though that's the cultural default.

Original poster
IslaDove · 11/09/2018 06:21

Wow, amazing responses here, every one of which offers food for thought even when it’s opposing views. Thank you xxx

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 11/09/2018 06:25

No mother walks out on her children just so she can have more sex

Actually, they do - my mum certainly did, so have many other women. To me, your marriage is dead and your next step is how to have a well ordered, civilised separation in order that you can move forward and have the opportunity to start a fulfilling relationship. First step, tell your DH the status quo no longer works and it is time for a change.

Zoflorabore · 11/09/2018 06:31

Experiencing similar op so I know how crap it is. Zero intimacy, don't sleep in the same bed. I was 40 at the beginning of the year and all of the "life begins at 40" stuff is bothering me so much.

My dm has a better sex life than me Grin

I wish I knew the answer Flowers

Snog · 11/09/2018 06:37

Take antidepressants?

earlybyrd · 11/09/2018 06:42

A good man and good father will continue to be so after you separate. You are going to regret staying together in this marriage, it's the lack of intimacy that is the real soul destroying element.
What about you? I suspect you have put yourself at the bottom of the pile for years especially as you have a child with SN
You are important too, don't waste your life with someone you know doesn't you.
You are worth more, be kind to yourself, not just to everyone else.

Karting1967 · 11/09/2018 06:47

Wait till the peri menopause hits in a couple of years, problem solved!

Haireverywhere · 11/09/2018 06:48

@earlybyrd is right. I hope you can find a way out of this sadness

squishee · 11/09/2018 06:53

I think you've got this backwards. Your DH needs to address his issues. You only get one life. Do you really want to spend it like this, as housemates?

Funicorn · 11/09/2018 07:15

I don't know why people are suggesting you lose your sex drive with menopause ? It gets even better - well it did for me but then OP I was in a similar situation to yourself - a sexless marriage . The only way forward is to move on from it . I've had and am still having the best sex of my life since then .

Vitalogy · 11/09/2018 07:26

Wait till the peri menopause hits in a couple of years, problem solved! The opposite can be true also.

noego · 11/09/2018 07:33

The OP doesn't want an affair (sensitive) They do not want a ONS (stomach lurch) If she leaves her children will feel the financial brunt and one is on the spectrum. They seem to be happy with her housemate husband. There is just simply no sex or intimacy. So in a sense not a conventional marriage. It doesn't look like her husband is going to change dramatically in the future.
So this needs an unconventional solution. As a relationship anarchist I believe that all relationships are negotiated to suit the individuals in that relationship. The relationship may be normal by conventional standards. It may be outside the norm, but the essence of this is that it suits the people in the relationship. It may be poly, or non monogamous or open, or it may be platonic. Whatever it is, it is suited to the party's involved.
In the OP's case it would seem that the solution would be to have sex outside of the marriage to satisfy this urge that she is having. In which case she can have all the benefits of the family home and the benefits of a sexual relationship outside of that home. This needs to be discussed with her H. If he objects then she needs to think about divorce. Even a divorce where she stays in the family home if needed. The only two people who are going to sort this out which ever way is her and her H.