is internet flirting cheating?

[spogs]

I have just found out my partner has been flirting on the internet he claims it is harmless and i have nothing to worry about and soes not see my problem with it .....help me understand it........if you can as i cannot

It is cheating, emotionally/mentally if not physically. It makes you feel uncomfortable so he should stop.

just want him to stop almost feel insulted that he is putting his sleazing before his family
but then again i guess he is so confident i wont go he must be as why keep doing it

Hello ladies.

I chat with a couple of women i know through a website on Skype and i suppose some of it could be classed as flirtatious but no more than you would when you talk to a member of the opposite sex - you know - just harmless fun and nothing explicit. The wife can look anytime she wants and i have nothing to hide. They are just friends and i chat about the missus and the kids to them quite regularly.

I would never chat on a website that is specifically for flirting though. Never. These girls i have met through a music website and i talk just the same to the guys through it too.

It is up to you to decide if you think he has crossed the line from having female freinds as well as male, to deliberately seeking and flirting with women only.

I understand that it is a lot different from pulling yourself off with a scud mag on your lap (for example) cos it involves REAL people and shows a lack of respect for your partner.

All in all - if it makes you feel uncomfortable - he shouldn't be doing it. I know i wouldn't.

i actually don't think it is cheating, i say this because i do it, my DP knows, he really doesnt mind. TBH, it passes the time, some male company with no strings, because you are NEVER going to meet them, anyone who does that IS cheating, and also needs their heads examined. I make a point of only ever chatting to married, older men, its just a laugh is all. Mind you, i am the insecure,jealous hypocritical type, it would defo not be ok for hubby to do it, go figure!

ok fair point but do you exchange numbers and call eachother on the quiet

Hmm. You see EricL I do have a thing about the magazines actually.

Sprog, you know what, if you're not happy with it and you feel threatend and unhappy then that's what makes it not okay. If you were like lucyellensmum dh and don't mind then it is okay.

You need to talk this through with him again, I think.

lucyellensmum-so its ok to flirt with men you know are married?do their wives think its ok also?

spogs-what it boils down to,is if you find something totally unacceptable in a relationship,be it online flirting,using porn or whatever,then your oh should either respect that and not do it,or,if he doesnt want to stop doing it,end the relationship so you are free to find somebody who will respect you and share your values.

i really cant believe a man would risk losing his family over having his ego boosted by some girlies on a dating site.

yes out of order imo

At the risk of being vilified I'm going to admit that I did this A LOT when I was with my ex-dh.

It really paved the way for me having an affair because once you cross that trust line where you think it's okay to lie about your RL persona and circumstances, it feels okay to meet up for a drink with someone, blah de blah de blah and before you know it your marriage is over and you are shacked up with someone called Bob who owns some Deep Purple CDs .

Now I was lucky, I called a stop to things before they got messy and I didn't have children at the time, so it was a few kisses (that's bad enough IMO) and a few spilled declarations of lust (not love you understand, although many call it that).

I'll add a emoticon here (and I am)

Seriously, if your man is doing this there is something really wrong in your relationship. He needs to stop spending time online and start spending time talking to you and saving the relationship.

FYI I learned my lesson and now only discuss my fanjo on Mumsnet.

I'm smash the computer myself.

No it's not. My best mate was chatted up on the internet by a single man. They started a relationship. She sold her house, moved to where he lived, lived with him for 6 weeks and then found out that he was married with a child and decided to go back to his wife.

Flirting is one thing but it's what it leads to that's the problem

whomoved-that was a very honest and informative post.

i havent exactly been an angel myself in the past,i cheated on my xp a few times towards the end of the relationship,because i didnt want to be in the relationship anymore but was too scared to leave him(he was violent)so i just carried on with my own life in secret.

so i would agree,that this sort of thing only happens when there is something wrong in the relationship in the first place.

Thanks Divastrop.

oh dear, now you see, if you had a do you flirt online section on the are you a slut test, i would have got a better score. Honestly, honestly my DP doesnt mind, i dont think he gets a kick from me talking to other men either. I thought atbout this last night and i have to say that i dont do it anymore - i didnt realise that until i thought about it, if you see what i mean. I did it loads and the novelty wore off - its just fantasy for me, end of story - a way of me sort of acting them out? we must all have fantasies we dont REALLY want to perform, im sure we do.

But yes i do agree with eeryone here who states that the OP DH is being disrespectful.

Now i talk to men on the internet, about gardening, dogs and boring stuff like that - i must be getting old. I have a "friend" who started wtih flirtation, he is much older than me and he is like my second dad really - he listens, he is distant enough that my problems have no effect on him and can give me objective advice, he has even spoken to DP on occasion. Ive been talking to this person for five years!

I think the reason i choose older married men is simply because i dont want guys who think im going to meet them etc etc. Just chat and have a laugh and a moan.

I simply think its an excuse to have a break from ourselves and be who we want to be instead of who we are.

If my DP said he minded, i would stop but he really really doesn't. Someone made the point that if you cant have the screen open in front of partner then its cheating, thats not a bad point, cos i always have the screen open because i have nothing to hide.

a very valid point lucyellensmum-about the screen thing.

my xh always used to go to bed after me,and if i walked in the room he would always quickly switch the tv over.of course i was being 'paranoid' and it was just a 'coincidence'.i suppose the £127 worth of porn they tried to charge me for was a coincidence as well

spogs-where are you?why dont you put a photo of his knob on 'ratemycock.com'?

we have talked till i am blue in the face i came down early hours this morning and he shut his laptop when i approached him about it he said it was me being paranoid and he wasnt i told him to pack his bags as i did not believe him he then admitted it and panicked i told him i wanted him gone in morning although deep down i wanted to cry and he told me i was being silly and i went to bed and he took our daughter to school and has gone to work.....i am at my wits end

I am sorry to hear it has come to this.
If you back down now, he may realize you will never have the guts to ask him the ultimatum, and he is most likely going to continue.
I think you have to talk to him again after work. Tell him you are not willing to share him with hordes of other women, he will either have to make a go in YOUR relationship, or embark on relationships with the other women, but move out first.

In my brutal honest opinion, and without knowing the full facts, it seems to me he has already ended his relationship with you, when he so blatantly ignores your requests to stop this flirting. He is putting whomever he is talking to on the screen before his own family.

He shuts down this laptop as you approach, then says
you are being paranoid and silly?

What has he admitted (so far)?
When you talked what conclusions did you come to?

spogs, these are testing times for you but
you are definitely doing the right thing.

Stand your ground - but carry on talking, keep an open mind.

i have spoke to him today and he says he will move out a find some where to go..... i said to him what about fighting for you family what about giving it up etc and he says i seem to final with my demands to fight....cope out in my book, he says he could say he will stop but i will never trust him again so whats the point

i just feel so gutted as we split up before around a year ago more or less because of this and he begged me back after being apart for 6 months he said how he wanted to marry and settle and have more kids as we only had one at the time so after a few months of him trying his hardest i let my guard down and took him back only to find after falling pregnant and giving birth to our second daughter he is and prob has always been still doing it i feel so cheated as i had moved on when we split before he was the one who wanted to come back and make it work,he tried for months to get back seemed so determined tht with us is where he wanted to be and yet i feel we are back to where we started just with extra child now who is only 7 weeks

To quote a fellow MNer:
what a nutfwick (spelling?)

I am sorry to react like this but I am really gutted for you.

I hope he can pull himself together and at least provide some support with the children.

Spogs, you will have to make him realize that once he goes, he goes, there is no coming back this time. You want to move on with your life and your children, now that he for the second time has let you and his kids down. I suspect he will move out, and think he can woo you back again. You have to let him know that this time it is final. Maybe he is dependent on high emotions or drama in his life, but you need stability. Make sure you seek some advise so you can get the financial support you need.

He sounds a right pig to me, and your are worth so much more.

spogs, i am so sorry that it has come to this, i feel that my earlier posts, trivialising what he was doing were inappropriate and i apologize for that. The internet is quite an addiction i have to say but i do wonder if he has some other issues. I really hope you sort things out. Did you split up before just around the birth of a child? I'm just wondering if he feels overwhelmed? I'm not defending him as i think he is behaving badly but perhaps he is doing so because of things he is bottling up?

i have booked us a councilling meeting on thursday so hopefully when he comes home tonight he will do it and we can try and get to the bottom of it

good luck with that spogs, i hope you can work through it.