Relationship dilemma

[Hyatt]

Hi this is my first time posting here but I'm in a bind. I recently discovered I was pregnant with my second child at 12 weeks. It was unplanned (I was on the mini pill but aged 38 so was perhaps a bit lax about taking it same time every day on account of my age and because I have PCOS). My partner was very angry and unhappy about it as he thinks we're not ready, though financially it should be ok with a bit of belt tightening. His main objection seemed to be he wants more time to travel and explore, now our daughter is older and easier to handle. He wanted an abortion, and when I refused he threatened to leave and packed his bags. We had a long tearful discussion yesterday as he was preparing to go and he has essentially given me an ultimatum. He claims he will accept the baby but to regain trust in me and to be a stronger family we should share everything 50/50 from here on in including the house and the car. The problem is that they were both acquired with my money. He hasn't contributed to either, except petrol and his share of the car insurance. I pay mortgage and household bills from my salary. I earn more but we both work full time. I also pay for childcare. The money he earns goes towards helping his sick elderly parents abroad with rent and living costs and paying for incidentals. I don't see he has a claim on any of this but he he feels insecure in the relationship and says we both need to make sacrifices to move forward, him through being a dad to both kids me by sharing what's essentially mg savings and inheritance. I feel like he is taking the p*ss with this request but want to keep my family together. What to do and how to respond?

He is getting his ducks in a row , getting ready to leave you but taking half the value of your house with him.

Please please don't give into this. If you want the baby - keep it. And keep your assets.

I can't imagine how damaging it would be to your kids to know their dad had to be bribed to accept their existence.

Unfortunately, they have a selfish dad who can't put them first. You can't change that. But whether they grow up with financial security and a mum who came out of a bad relationship with the fewest possible scars is in your control.

He makes minimum wage

well it's obvious why he's pissed off that you were careless about taking the pill.....

I'm going to go against the grain in one regard. I do understand his upset re the pregnancy. I suppose in part because I have always been vigilant in taking the pill and if I wasn't we would have used something else. An unplanned baby is a lifelong commitment. It changes everything.

If he is on minimum wage , I do understand the financial stress.

In saying that, wanting half your assets is most definitely not on. I think he is looking to set himself up financially before he leaves. The absolute gall to expect half of what he never contributed to tells me all I need to know about this man.

I'd end the relationship on that alone. I'm so sorry.

There are thousands of men like this who see financial salvation in the shape of a gullible asset owning western woman.

Please see through it. You know deep down it's true however humiliating it is for you.

Feelings of love is like the anaesthetic which fleas and other blood suckers numb you with while sticking their pincers in and sucking the life blood out of you.

I hope to goodness you will put your children first and get make sure all your asset go into their name.

I am glad he doesn't pay you anything, that means he has no claims to any of your assets. DO NOT MARRY HIM.

DO NOT GO TO COUNSELLING with him.

Get him out of your home for being disgustingly rude to you and ask him to pay you for child maintenance.

Get the balance sorted.

He doesn't love you and is just using you. WAKE UP.

Your instincts are spot on OP. There is something very wrong about how he is acting. So wrong on many levels! He wanted nothing to do with the baby and planned to leave if you didn't abort. Then, he suddenly realised that the baby would be a bargaining chip to blackmail you into sharing your assets.

If you were to share your assets with him, you know there'd be no way to stop him leaving as soon as his name was on the deeds to your house, forcing you to sell and give him half. Don't do it OP.

As for sending all his money abroad instead of supporting his family here, that's appalling. He has a responsibility to you and your child.

I think you should reassess the whole relationship based on what he has revealed of his character. Protect yourself and your children from this selfish, money grabbing user.

He won't stay with you though when he has half of your assets. Also, why on earth would you want to be with someone who has tried to pressure you onto having an abortion and who is emotionally abusive to you? I would look at doing the freedom program and see a counsellor about your boundary issues. You will most likely end up a single parent anyway so make sure that you're as financially secure as possible. He sees you as a walking purse not as an equal partner who deserves love and respect

Op you are one of many lovely, kind natured men and women who hook up with partners who see first and foremost ££ and an easy life they can benefit from being with you.

You get charmed by them and you fall in love with them and you are blind to see how calculating they are.

It happens all the time with lonely men and their Thai mail order brides.

I bet you can't believe how nasty and devious your partner has become, especially as you have been nothing but kind and caring to him, giving him free board and lodging and paying all bills.

Expect him to turn on the charm and try a different tactic to get you back to trusting him again and providing for him and his wife and kids at home again.

He’s using the life of your unborn child to negotiate more assets for himself?

You’re not actually considering it, surely?

If in effect you have to pay your partner to be a dad then the time will come when he'll up and leave anyway, there is no way your DCs won't see you two splitting up anyway so you might as well do it before your unborn child becomes attached to him. Sorry you are going through this.

I'm sorry, but short of producing a diagram I don't know how much more obvious he could make it that he's only in this for what he can get out of you

Can I ask how you got together in the first place?

He is going to leave you the moment he secures 50% of your assests.

Do NOT go counselling. He wants to gain financially from this situation. Its absolutely disgusting behaviour. You must MUST leave this situation before you lose everything to this monster.

We've been together five years next month after initially meeting through mutual friends. The first few years were wonderful, we shared a lot of common interests but then life was quite carefree. When my daughter arrived his father became very ill and had to have expensive medical treatment. Cost of living where they are is high and his brothers lost their jobs. We kind of fell into this situation with me financing the household and him helping his parents out as a temporary measure that has never resolved itself. This situation I find myself in the last few weeks is much more unexpected. Reading the comments here you are right. It's just unacceptable. I think I've been paralyzed by disbelief someone could act in this way but now I just feel incensed. It's time for a cards-on-the-table conversation.

I would be very interested to see how he conversation changed if you told him that it was time for him to leave and to contribute financially to his daughter and unborn child like other adults are legally required to do in the UK.

Good for you op. You have almost sleepwalked into this situation and all his family see you as this fat cash cow figuratively speaking how dare he!

I bet he gets all the credit too for being the provider since you are the one enabling him through your kind heartedness to spend so much on them!!!

What an absolute joke. You have been taken for a complete ride.

How utterly disrespectful of the lot of them!!

And I wouldn't put it past him to have a wife and children back home.You are probably being relied on to provide for the feckless brothers and their families too!!

I think I've been paralyzed by disbelief someone could act in this way

I think that's very natural; when times are good it's only too easy to believe partners feel the same way and the reality's not always obvious. It's obvious now, though, and I'd prepare yourself for him leaving if he believes the money's drying up (though probably not before pretending to "see the light" and thinking up a new scheme to defraud you first)

Without wanting to be callous, it also seems a bit of a coincidence that his father's illness/brothers' job losses came at the exact same time DD arrived ... a cynic might even think they wanted to get their claim in before you spent all that lovely money on your own family

Please ignore me totally if I'm off the mark here, but do you actually know all this to be true - as opposed to just being told it, I mean?

Oh and congratulations on your pregnancy if you want to go ahead with it I would not put him on the birth certificate.

He needs to pay you child maintenance so sort that out before he sends any payments back to his family.

One day he will thank you for giving him the push he needs to grow up and be a proper role model to your daughter and be responsible man and father, and not an abusive cock lodging calculating leach which is what your kindness and blindness has enabled him to be.