Relationship dilemma

[Hyatt]

Hi this is my first time posting here but I'm in a bind. I recently discovered I was pregnant with my second child at 12 weeks. It was unplanned (I was on the mini pill but aged 38 so was perhaps a bit lax about taking it same time every day on account of my age and because I have PCOS). My partner was very angry and unhappy about it as he thinks we're not ready, though financially it should be ok with a bit of belt tightening. His main objection seemed to be he wants more time to travel and explore, now our daughter is older and easier to handle. He wanted an abortion, and when I refused he threatened to leave and packed his bags. We had a long tearful discussion yesterday as he was preparing to go and he has essentially given me an ultimatum. He claims he will accept the baby but to regain trust in me and to be a stronger family we should share everything 50/50 from here on in including the house and the car. The problem is that they were both acquired with my money. He hasn't contributed to either, except petrol and his share of the car insurance. I pay mortgage and household bills from my salary. I earn more but we both work full time. I also pay for childcare. The money he earns goes towards helping his sick elderly parents abroad with rent and living costs and paying for incidentals. I don't see he has a claim on any of this but he he feels insecure in the relationship and says we both need to make sacrifices to move forward, him through being a dad to both kids me by sharing what's essentially mg savings and inheritance. I feel like he is taking the p*ss with this request but want to keep my family together. What to do and how to respond?

He makes minimum wage and probably sends c£700-800 home every month. Remainder goes on petrol, groceries, transport, clothing, personal bills etc. He does buy things for dd and take us out at times but he's not responsible for household bills.

He wants you to "rebuild trust" by you handing over 50% of your assets?! No chance.

What was he doing to prevent a pregnancy?? He could have worn a condom or had a vasectomy if he was so set against having other children.

Don't do it OP.

Have a serious think about if you want to live your life and raise your children with such a manipulative man.

No chance op. You know it's batshit

As in his demands

If he is so insistent on everything being 50:50, which I would not do at all in your shoes, how would he feel if you turned around and said you would agree on the basis that he pays 50:50 too?

I think he wants to get his hands on your money/assets and will leave anyway.

You need to get sime power back.
Personally I would have ended it once he showed his true colours.
Pathetic, manipulator!

Well if he keeps pressuring you then that makes it easy.
You just tell him what YOU HAVE decided to regarding your pregnancy and tell him to move out as you won't be handing over half your assets to someone who doesn't even contribute to the current household bills.
This one is a no-brainer OP and you know it!

This is what stood out for me from your first post -

he says we both need to make sacrifices to move forward, him through being a dad to both kids

I can't get past that. He sees being a dad as being a sacrifice.

Pack his bags for him and tell him to go. In the long run you will be better off. He will still be a father to your children (if he chooses) and you won’t be letting them down by splitting it fact they will be better off in the long run.

So in exchange for keeping our family together he gets a 50% share of my assets. I basically don't trust him right now either as his first instinct was to up and leave me. He's also been verbally abusive since he has known about the pregnancy, shouting and swearing at me, continually demanding I abort even though I was clearly hysterical at the prospect and generally wearing me down.

read this back to yourself.

He has a good deal with you. He gets to live rent free without responsibility for bills or childcare. He then gets to send money back to his parents to support them (or for them to invest in property for him that you have no idea about perhaps?). So he is already getting a good financial deal by living with you and now he is callously using a traumatic event to extort some more assets for himself. He is telling you that you can buy your child by giving him half of everthing you own.

When people tell you who they are, listen to them. He was horrible to you about the abortion. It is ok for him to prefer you to terminate and to explain to you why. It is not ok for him to shout and swear at you and to tell you that you have to pay him to tolerate a baby.

I would think very very carefully about this relationship.

So I thought he wanted to travel and explore? How would this be acheived by you handing over a large donation of your cash and assets? JUST SAY NO. It's not up for discussion. If he wants to go, bye bye!

I couldn't love someone who says they will 'accept' their baby. He doesn't want the baby. He's prepared to make a sacrifice though, on the condition you share your income with him while he continues not to share his.
I don't think he will love the baby.
I don't think he loves you.
You and your baby will be happier without him. Your DD will be happy living with you and seeing her DF part time.

This is absolutely hideous. He is trying to take advantage of the situation to take half your assets and you seem to be actually considering it?! He is bringing it up constantly because that's his tactic to wear you down so you'll be so fed up you'll give in. The second he has any claim to your assets he will bolt, guaranteed. Sorry but this man does not love you or your family unit. He is manipulative, lazy and a terrible father. A good father doesn't behave like he is, wake up to that. A good father would support his immediate family unit before his extended family.

Please, please get rid of this waste of space and show your daughter and unborn baby that they and you deserve better.

I appreciate your honest impartial advice. Tbh the whole thing seems very off to me and it's like I can't quite believe what I'm hearing from him and process it...it's been a traumatic time. I'm going to try and convince him to get counselling with me, but can't see how this relationship can stagger on much longer without him reassessing his priorities from HIM to US. It all relates to his life goals and ambitions. He was brought up in a poor family and feels trapped by his parents demands. None of his brothers and sisters are apparently in a position to help (they are Syrian refugees) hence the burden on him. I think he sees kids as a further unasked-for burden.

Quite apart from the many valid points made by PP, how the hell is he sending £700-800 per month anywhere on minimum wage (which I’ll assume is the over 25’s ‘living wage’)? And where is this home to which the money is sent?

You don’t need him, at all, he just wants your ££££.

This post reminds me of my sister same boat as you she gave half and now he bleeds her dry and she is trapped with him because he got them into debt and she cannot afford to go she is so miserable she wished she realised sooner that money was what he was after. Just wonder if he send all his income home is this genuine it’s not for other kids he may have? you are making more of a sacrifice to him now anyway as you technically support his parents as he could not live anywhere rent free no bills so by you not expecting anything out of his wage you are freeing him up to send money home. call his bluff sake ok go I’m sorry you feel this way but it’s my body and your blackmailing if you didn’t have your inheritance and savings he would have to make 50/50 contribution to live day to day. Don’t give in to him you need your security more now you know what he’s after. Don’t abort unless you want to you will regret it and probably resent him and then if you split he gets half of everything. He isn’t that great if he’s willing to buy your baby his or her life good luck really hope you do what’s best for you and your dc not him.

Yes living wage is more accurate.

You know it’s wrong op. That’s why your posting here. Tell him to do one.

No no no do not let someone who is verbally abusive, manipulative and nasty have a claim on your assets. God knows what he'd do with them. Seek legal advice.

He is taking advantage of this situation to make himself more financially secure, I think he is a cheeky fucker.
'i don't want a baby with you and I am going to leave, oh ok if you give me half the house and car I will stay'. He is definitely manipulating you op.

I just read your update op, please ltb asap.

What's crazy is how the situation has flipped since yesterday. For the past two weeks it's been pressure to get rid of the baby, now all of a sudden he seems positive about baby but obsessed with this new idea of financial and familial 'justice', whereby we are locked together financially for the sake of the children

No, no, no, no. It's completely unfair and irrational and you would be foolish to even consider his proposal. Let him go.

Dear fucking god, this piece of scum is very clearly only interested in your money and assets!! Next time he brings it up tell him he was right the first time and should leave.
For the love of god please don't give him a penny, just get him gone! I have read some pretty sick things on here but he is up there with the worst- utterly shocking op!!!

Don't do it.

He's hardly contributing to the household and now wants half of everything in exchange for him putting up with you keeping the baby.

What exactly would you lose by kicking him out? Your daughter could still see him and would soon get used to him living elsewhere.

And if you were to give him 50% then you were to split up because he's a controlling man who verbally abuses and blackmails you (at the very least), or because he didn't get his own way, you'd be in a much worse position.