Relationship dilemma

[Hyatt]

Hi this is my first time posting here but I'm in a bind. I recently discovered I was pregnant with my second child at 12 weeks. It was unplanned (I was on the mini pill but aged 38 so was perhaps a bit lax about taking it same time every day on account of my age and because I have PCOS). My partner was very angry and unhappy about it as he thinks we're not ready, though financially it should be ok with a bit of belt tightening. His main objection seemed to be he wants more time to travel and explore, now our daughter is older and easier to handle. He wanted an abortion, and when I refused he threatened to leave and packed his bags. We had a long tearful discussion yesterday as he was preparing to go and he has essentially given me an ultimatum. He claims he will accept the baby but to regain trust in me and to be a stronger family we should share everything 50/50 from here on in including the house and the car. The problem is that they were both acquired with my money. He hasn't contributed to either, except petrol and his share of the car insurance. I pay mortgage and household bills from my salary. I earn more but we both work full time. I also pay for childcare. The money he earns goes towards helping his sick elderly parents abroad with rent and living costs and paying for incidentals. I don't see he has a claim on any of this but he he feels insecure in the relationship and says we both need to make sacrifices to move forward, him through being a dad to both kids me by sharing what's essentially mg savings and inheritance. I feel like he is taking the p*ss with this request but want to keep my family together. What to do and how to respond?

stripping this right back to the beginning..

What trust is there to rebuild??? You didn't get pregnant without his input, he was also there, doing the sex, making the baby. You didn't steal his sperm and inseminate yourself or something. There's no trust to regain, only one of those pricks that thinks everything is your responsibility and somehow your fault. Fuck that for a game of soldiers, you are worth more.

He’s is basically telling you that you have to pay for his love. Which you are already doing tbh. He is only financially able to send money home because you support him. He doesn’t financially contribute but wants to reap the rewards? Keep your assets, you and your children will need them

Before I read your update, I was going to enquire if his parents lived abroad, or if there were cultural differences between you - eg ‘sending home’ money as priority over you and his daughter.

My advice would be to follow your instincts.
You want to keep the baby
You don't want to share your assets
They are things you have control over
You want him in your life but you don't have control over that, even aborting and sharing your assets can never guarantee that.
If he wants to be with you he will accept your conditions.
Stay firm

I assume this house of yours has a door OP?

If so, I suggest you escort this CF, cock-lodger, piss-taking piece of abusive twatdom to it and through it.

And to reiterate what everyone else is saying: he's full of keeping the baby now, because he's lit upon this brilliant idea to fleece you out of half your house and car! FGS walk away OP. He will take you to the cleaners. He's in this for himself and his family. It sounds like he's tolerating you because you have money and means. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but your instincts are spot on - please heed them.

Piss taking arsehole. Get him out of your house asap and claim cms. He can be a good dad without blackmailing and mooching off you.

Wow! So he basically wants financial remuneration for 'accepting' his own child?

Run OP!! Run far....

Lowest of the low, financially blackmailing you. Tell him to get out now.

OP I hope, that by reading the outraged replies on here, you now realise just how bad, how revolting, this situation is. I am appalled - as is every other poster on this thread. His demands are monstrous, trying to use his unborn child as a cash cow for himself.

Blackmail! Plain and simple. He didn't want the baby but then suddenly saw the baby as a way of getting something out of you.
He's an awful person.

This guy is bad news. He lost his shit because he thought that his cash cow partner was going to stop earning so much, have less time to cater to him and expect him to look after two children instead of just one.

When he realised he couldn't browbeat you into an abortion so that he could remain at the centre of everyone's world he came up with this "cash for fatherhood" plan.

You say he's a "brilliant dad" - by that, do you mean "does half the childcare, enjoys spending time with his daughter, takes time off work when she's poorly, does bedtimes, interests himself in her developmental milestones and generally puts her first"? Or do you mean "like all small children, my daughter loves her dad because that's what small children are like. So I assume that he must somehow be good at parenting because she likes it when he plays with her"?

Think about what message you are sending to your daughter about how to be treated by a partner. You will essentially be paying him to stay with you. You are worth so much more than this. Imagine if this was one of your friends/family in this situation, what would you advise them to do?

What do your parents think OP?
Your post has made me so angry on your behalf.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you not to sign 50% of your house & car over to him, definitely don't marry him & absolutely make sure he doesn't apply for a passport for your DD/ take her out of the UK.

for you, take really good care of yourself and your DD.

Do not agree to give this man a share of your house or car. Once you’ve done that, he will leave you and demand his financial share.

No way, OP.

Don't let yourself be blackmailed and stop letting him freeload off you.

Keep the baby. Dump him.

This is shocking, it's so. Shocking it's one of the rare ones I read out to my husband, his mouth dropped open.

This man is blackmailing you for money. That's not love. It's not a relationship. He could force the sale of the house, sell the car, leave you and the kids fucked. I assume this is his intention.

You need to end this, not go for counselling, it can never work, he's trying to get money off you before he ends it. He doesn't want the next child. He just wants money. He's effectively trying to rob you. Get thr money then get out,

End it. For your children and your own sake.

I rather think that if you give him half your assets he'll leave. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, apart from the financial loss.

He sounds like a bully and absolute shit. You should dump his ass.

He makes minimum wage and probably sends c£700-800 home every month
No. This is madness. If he wants to be financially tied with you or whatever he needs to stop sending money back to whoever (parents? First wife and kids?) and share the financial load with you. Or he needs to leave. He can only send that amount to whoever because he is freeloading on you.

Don't give in. He'll leave anyhow and force you to sell your home to give him "his half".

Awful for you, I hope you are able to stay strong.

That's insane. He can't argue about the cost of a baby when he contributes nothing to your income.... why is he sending ALL his money to his parents?

Please OP, read all the advice on here from everyone, please. Don’t bother with counselling, he doesn’t want a relationship he’s only interested in money and getting as much as he can from you. Atrocious behaviour shouting and screaming at you but now playing nice now he’s latched onto the idea of getting half your house. Please heed the advice on here from previous posters and get rid of him, you deserve better.

I’m going to go against the grain here slightly and say that I do think helping out struggling, sick parents is a valid use of household income. I would do this for my parents and my partners parents. BUT I don’t think that’s a choice he can make alone and I definitely don’t think financial decisions should be connected to child decisions.
Two separate conversations need to be had here - what do we want to do about our baby and what do we want to do about our finances. Assuming, of course, that you see this relationship continuing.

You've got yourself a freeloading, cocklodging sperm donor who now wants to asset strip while he's about it without showing any sign of love or commitment.

Of course your DD loves him, he's what she knows but she doesn't know him as a man.

I'd be running for the hills.

I would do this for my parents and my partners parents

I think you're confused, she's not stopping him doing this, in fact it's the opposite, she's paying all the living costs basically so he can support his family, she pays the mortgage, the bills, the childcare. This is not about him wishing to support his parents.

What's he's now suggesting is different. He's been very clear saying he doesn't wish the child, then suddenly he's said he does, if he gets half the house and car.

He's going to fuck off out of it as soon as she signs it over. I'd bet good money on it.