My best friend’s boyfriend **Sensitive thread about rape - title edited by MNHQ**

[sharplowrl]

Raped me a week ago.
I’m so heartbroken still and I don’t know what to do :( to summarise, I did call the police and he was arrested - but the last I heard from her was calling me a liar and telling me I was ruining their life.

I have decided not to press charges because I don’t think I could cope with all which that entails. But that doesn’t feel right or fair on myself and makes me angry he’ll get away with what he did and I’m just finding it so hard to deal with all the conflicting emotions.
He’s manipulative, and has spoken to her like shit on multiple occasions - that’s the extent of it that I’m aware of, and it’s hard to explain but she is the type of person who has an idea of a perfect life and wouldn’t ever admit anything was wrong with it - so of course I had spoken to her about him before but she wouldn’t really admit his behaviour was problematic. They’ve also just bought a house together. Which is where he did it.
He’s acted inappropriately toward me before but on quite a minor level.. other friends told me to tell her but I kind of knew there was no point (because of the above - she’s so hard to convince anything other than him being amazing and I didn’t think it was big enough of a deal to hurt her with).

My heart just hurts so much. I’ve lost my best friend and I’m scared to try and message her (I’m not going to) because of what her reaction might be. I’m so worried about her - I have a great support network of friends thankfully but even with that I’m finding it so hard, and she has no other friends than me where we live. I’m scared she’s still with him and hurting and manipulated by him to stay :( because although she called me a liar etc I think she does know deep down, and I think she must know now that he slept with me either way - police couldn’t tell me what he said but I assume he admitted that much from what they asked me.

Other friends have just been so unhelpful too, most of my friends are amazing but some have made comments like ‘well being arrested is bad enough for him don’t you think’ and ‘why are you worried about X? Realistically she’s not going to want to hear anything you have to say anymore’. They just hurt me.

I really do feel on some level she must know I wouldn’t do that to her, and that I wouldn’t lie. I think she must just be in denial and of course I don’t want to undersppreciste how horrific it must be for your LT bf to be accused of rape. It’s not the same, but I had a similarly manipulative ex a while back so I know how easy it is for them to get in your head and convince you of their ‘truth’ even though you KNOW it isn’t in yourself.

Sorry this is so long - just rambling my thoughts really - sad and angry for myself but heartbroken for my friend and I wish I could be there for her and help her out of this. I don’t even know if they are still together or what’s happened :( I just feel so so sad.

I believe you.

I know it will be hard but you need to press charges for your own sake you will only come out stronger at the end of it. He needs to be punished and you need to prove what he did to you xx

Have you spoken to any professional entities about the rape? Ring rape crisis they may be more helpful than friends.

I am so very sorry for what you went thro.

Your friends are right tho your ex friend will not listen to you, it’s her decision to currently remain with her rapist boyfriend.

You need to take care of yourself, concentrate on your self for now.

Call rape crisis as a starting point and go from there.

OP, I'm so sorry you've been raped and hurt like this.
I honestly think you need to help yourself first, that needs to be your first priority. Call a helpline, chat to experts. Talk with people who understand and listen.

He could do this to someone else. I'd encourage you to go ahead with it. Get as much support as you can. I know it's not easy to deal with this.

I am so sorry that happened to you. Especially that it means that you have lost your best friend (sadly it is likely that whatever happens in the future, even if she leaves him and comes to her senses, the relationship will always be subtly different). I am glad that you have other friends. Concentrate on those who make you feel supported and believed. I think you maybe should reconsider pressing charges. If nothing else, it may help her understand in time that you were not trying to wreck her life. I agree with what others have said. Rape Crisis would be a good starting point.

Thank you, I think rape crisis might be a good idea :(

I literally just saw as I posted this the both of them on holiday together on social media.. so I guess that’s my question answered. I feel sick :(

Sorry you've gone through this.

Please reconsider pressing charges, the man is clearly a predator.

You need professional support with this, my lovely, and I'm so sorry that this animal did this to you. How can she stay with him?

But whatever you do, don't stop pressing charges for her sake or anyone elses. That's the worst reason in the world, and other women will suffer at his hands because if he's done it once, he will do it again. What other people think really has no bearing on this. He's committed a serious criminal offence and should be behind bars for every woman's safety.

.

I am so sorry this has happened
Please do get in touch with rape crisis for specialist advice.
Re your best friend- I wouldn’t engage on any level until much much further down the line and only is she is absolutely no longer with him.
With your other friends I’d suggest distancing from anyone who makes comments like “don’t you think being arrested is bad enough?” Those who are fully supportive keep those people close and confide in them.
It’s much healthier to have a small but very strong and supportive network.

You’ve lost her as a friend, at least until she sees him for what he is.

The best thing you can do for her is to press charges. Protect her, and others from this man. If he has a conviction it will prevent him working with vulnerable women too.

You can change your mind at any time. Phone your police officer and talk it through, they will at least give you some idea of whether a successful conviction is likely.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Phone the Rape Crisis helpline on 0808 802 9999 for support, or find your local centre rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php

Try and ignore other people's inappropriate comments. You are not responsible for his behaviour, or for any repercussions.
Be kind to yourself.

OP she is not your friends. Best friends dont carry on relationships with their friends rapist.

Your friendship is over regardless if you press charges or not and if you don't they will use it as proof you are lying.

It is your absolute choice not to press charges if you don't feel you can psychologically but don't not do it to spare your friends blushes because she is gone from your life.

Do the police feel they have strong evidence to convict?

Please seek real life help from specialist.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Please re consider pressing charges, he could well do it again. My first husband did it to me on many occasions and I really wish I had pressed charges. I too was worried about upsetting my family and his, I knew I would get a backlash from his mum and sisters. The friends that don’t support you are ones you should avoid at least for now. Rape crisis is a good place to call.

I'm so sorry for you. What a horrible horrible experience.

Remember, you don't have to make any rash decisions. You can change your mind about the charges in time, if you feel stronger.

First, you need to take care of you. I cannot believe your friend doesn't believe you. Disengage from them both and take good care of yourself. x

You should absolutely 100% press charges here.

If you don't:

a) He could attack someone else

b) You will be playing into their version of the story. I can just imagine them saying "See, even the Police didn't pursue it, due to no evidence" or "She didn't press charges: anyone who was really raped would have pressed charges"

Wow. The ability of some women (not you) to lie to themselves is crazy! To stay with this piece of shit, she must have epic levels of self delusion.
Take whatever time you need. Then decide about prosecuting.
First of all though, make sure your self care is being taken care of.
Xx

Thank you for the replies 💕💕
I think I knew really the friendship was over. as soon as it happened I knew it was gone because like you’ve all said regardless it’s never going to be the same.

I will give rape crisis a call - is it like an advice helpline or?

Re evidence, I’m honestly not sure. I know there’ll be forensic evidence but the DIs were clear that forensic isn’t enough in court and it’s about proving I didn’t consent and proving he understood that I didn’t consent.. I voiced my concerns to them a little later that I worried about that because there are no witnesses, it’s his word against mine :( but they said it’s worth pursuing if I want to as people ARE convicted but.. I don’t know. Is it worth me asking them how likely it is? I don’t want to put myself through all this just for him to get off Scot free and me to look like a massive liar in the eyes of the world.
I did email the officer a few days ago but he hasn’t got back yet, I think he might have said he’s away for a few days but my memory is totally shot atm

And yeah, that’s another huge worry. That I have to press charges just to be believed :( to be honest I couldn’t care less what his friends think of me but she and I have mutual friends and it’d hurt a lot for them to turn against me too.. though seeing as they’re not so close to the situation I don’t think they would believe it and I think they’d be a bit more concerned about me in it :/

But yes, I also do feel a huge responsibility, to other women and to her, even though she’s made it clear where her choice lies I can completely see why she’s done that (easier to stay with him and keep her dream house and life and ‘man’?) especially as he’s seemed manipulative from what she’s said to me before..

I really don’t know :(
I just keep thinking like, I have nothing to gain from lying! I’ve already lost everything, what could anyone possibly think I’d do it for unless it were true :(

Stop feeling responsible for anyone else, possible future victims included. YOU aren't the one doing anything wrong.

Do talk to Rape Crisis, do talk to the police again, do do everything to help YOU work your way through what has happened.

Personally I would love you to press charges (I did and my 'friend' eventually confessed and was found guilty) but I do understand that it is a very difficult thing to do.

Basically, sod what anyone else says/thinks, do what is best for you!

I believe you. You are not at fault, so not let anyone make you doubt that. Please focus on yourself & get help from professionals.

OP, rape crisis is a helpline, they’ll offer you support and advice if you ask for it.

They’re a charity and free to use.

Please do call them and put yourself first, take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to heal and recover.

I would definitely press charges.

Your friend must know that you would not have had consensual sex with her BF so when she realises that you had sex with him (evidence) the penny will drop that actually he raped you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. You absolutely DO NOT have to press charges if it will be too traumatic. It’s not fair of anyone to put the responsibility of stopping him doing it to someone else on you. Rape crisis will have a phone line with trained counsellors you can talk to. Looks like they open at 7, good luck lady. Be kind to yourself, this was not your fault and the people who matter will stick around

Thank you all again. I’ll call rape crisis now.

I want to press charges, I just worry about there being enough evidence to convict re: consent :(

I think she knows he slept me either way. She seemed to know something had happened before I told her. And I’m fairly sure he told the police we had consensual sex, so I think he is smart enough to know he should tell her that much in case/when it comes out later. I was sharing a room w one of his friends and went to them afterwards shaking and asking to talk and I asked them if he’d ever done something like this before and he said not that he knew of. I asked if he’d ever cheated before and he looked uncomfortable and just said it wasn’t his place to say, ‘no comment’, that’s a yes. I’m starting to wonder if she knew he had cheated before now.. she hasn’t seemed herself in a while, the time I saw her before this happened I remember leaving feeling worried about her, I’m moving (thankfully) (though not far) and she got really upset about it.. I felt it a weird out ofcharacter reaction :(