My best friend’s boyfriend **Sensitive thread about rape - title edited by MNHQ**

[sharplowrl]

Raped me a week ago.
I’m so heartbroken still and I don’t know what to do :( to summarise, I did call the police and he was arrested - but the last I heard from her was calling me a liar and telling me I was ruining their life.

I have decided not to press charges because I don’t think I could cope with all which that entails. But that doesn’t feel right or fair on myself and makes me angry he’ll get away with what he did and I’m just finding it so hard to deal with all the conflicting emotions.
He’s manipulative, and has spoken to her like shit on multiple occasions - that’s the extent of it that I’m aware of, and it’s hard to explain but she is the type of person who has an idea of a perfect life and wouldn’t ever admit anything was wrong with it - so of course I had spoken to her about him before but she wouldn’t really admit his behaviour was problematic. They’ve also just bought a house together. Which is where he did it.
He’s acted inappropriately toward me before but on quite a minor level.. other friends told me to tell her but I kind of knew there was no point (because of the above - she’s so hard to convince anything other than him being amazing and I didn’t think it was big enough of a deal to hurt her with).

My heart just hurts so much. I’ve lost my best friend and I’m scared to try and message her (I’m not going to) because of what her reaction might be. I’m so worried about her - I have a great support network of friends thankfully but even with that I’m finding it so hard, and she has no other friends than me where we live. I’m scared she’s still with him and hurting and manipulated by him to stay :( because although she called me a liar etc I think she does know deep down, and I think she must know now that he slept with me either way - police couldn’t tell me what he said but I assume he admitted that much from what they asked me.

Other friends have just been so unhelpful too, most of my friends are amazing but some have made comments like ‘well being arrested is bad enough for him don’t you think’ and ‘why are you worried about X? Realistically she’s not going to want to hear anything you have to say anymore’. They just hurt me.

I really do feel on some level she must know I wouldn’t do that to her, and that I wouldn’t lie. I think she must just be in denial and of course I don’t want to undersppreciste how horrific it must be for your LT bf to be accused of rape. It’s not the same, but I had a similarly manipulative ex a while back so I know how easy it is for them to get in your head and convince you of their ‘truth’ even though you KNOW it isn’t in yourself.

Sorry this is so long - just rambling my thoughts really - sad and angry for myself but heartbroken for my friend and I wish I could be there for her and help her out of this. I don’t even know if they are still together or what’s happened :( I just feel so so sad.

So sorry I dropped off this thread after my last post. I’ve just read all the latest replies & thank you all again for the support 💕

@persiancatlady I am doing a bit better, thank you. I had my official video interview with the police a few days ago which was pretty awful but st least it is done. Still haven’t decided on whether I personally want to press charges, but the officers I’m working with said they’d review the case and let me know if there’d be enough evidence to put it forward to the CPS - even then the CPS could decide its insufficient, but they said it’s always really difficult to tell what the CPS will and won’t think is enough. I think if they think there’s enough evidence I will put it forward to the CPS. realistically I think it’s quite unlikely. But we’ll see.

I have nothing left to lose and I’m really angry (to say the least) with him for what he’s done to me and taken away from me.. and I feel so much hurt on behalf of my friend, people have said I’m mental for being so nice about her and I’m sure I wouldn’t be if I could hear what she’s probably saying about me but I still care and love her so much and I don’t want her to be in the situation she’s in. I feel I could be projecting but, I think she probably feels trapped and like she has to keep up appearances :( I wish I could help her and let her know it’s ok and I’ll be there if she wants help but I don’t think Shen would react well to hearing from me. So I won’t. I do know she hasn’t told any of our mutual friends anything tho. I suspect she knows that once she says anything, the game is up and she has to face what is the reality. That her bf is, at best a cheater, at worst a rapist.

Other than that I am ok! Not sleeping very well and I was having nightmares for a while after.. but on the whole, coping, surviving! Can’t fault the help I’ve received from various orgs. ISVA are seeing me and will put me forward for counsellling and CBT and a sexual health clinic are going to offer me some counselling too.

Thank you xx

I am glad that you are feeling more positive.

With regards to pressing charges, that decision should be made by you alone without any regard to other people. You are the one who matters here.

Did you manage to sort out any counselling or anything similar?

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you do.

I'm confused by the phrase "press charges". People need to know this. It is not the decision of the victim whether the perpetrator is prosecuted, it is the decision of the Crown Prosecution Services who base the decision on whether there is at least a 50 percent chance of conviction based upon all the evidence available including witness statements. OP you are wrong when you say there are no witnesses; you are a witness. You can refuse to cooperate further with the process, but you need to know it is possible but unusual to be summoned for evidence in a trial even though you might prefer not to take the matter further. I am saying this only because victims need to know the process because knowing the process is an important part of deciding whether to go to the police or not. The chances are this is not the first time this man has done this, and probably won't be the last. I very much hope you do the right thing for you but victims need to know the process can be very very tough. There is a lot of help available from the witness support service and other places like rape crisis who can guide you through the process. OP, I hope you are ok, please try not to let male violence define you and use all the help offered to you.

I am leaning toward pressing charges but mainly I’m worried about going down that route then people using insufficient evidence as a way to say I’m lying (if it is deemed insufficient evidence). But either way if people want to think I’m lying they will. I guess they’d say the same about me dropping charges. Thank you, though. I did manage to sort some counselling and potentially CBT too so hopefully the waiting lists aren’t too long!

Joe - all that was explained to me by the police too! Although, they have said that at the moment, its my decision whether it goes to the CPS or not.. apparently they need to decide internally by review whether they think there’s enough to go to the CPS (which is like you explained the 50% thing). And then I get to decide if it goes to them or not. which I suppose is what people will mean by ‘press charges’ (decide to try and prosecute I guess). I’m aware of the possibilities though like him being involved in another case and then me being summoned as part of that.