My best friend’s boyfriend **Sensitive thread about rape - title edited by MNHQ**

[sharplowrl]

Raped me a week ago.
I’m so heartbroken still and I don’t know what to do :( to summarise, I did call the police and he was arrested - but the last I heard from her was calling me a liar and telling me I was ruining their life.

I have decided not to press charges because I don’t think I could cope with all which that entails. But that doesn’t feel right or fair on myself and makes me angry he’ll get away with what he did and I’m just finding it so hard to deal with all the conflicting emotions.
He’s manipulative, and has spoken to her like shit on multiple occasions - that’s the extent of it that I’m aware of, and it’s hard to explain but she is the type of person who has an idea of a perfect life and wouldn’t ever admit anything was wrong with it - so of course I had spoken to her about him before but she wouldn’t really admit his behaviour was problematic. They’ve also just bought a house together. Which is where he did it.
He’s acted inappropriately toward me before but on quite a minor level.. other friends told me to tell her but I kind of knew there was no point (because of the above - she’s so hard to convince anything other than him being amazing and I didn’t think it was big enough of a deal to hurt her with).

My heart just hurts so much. I’ve lost my best friend and I’m scared to try and message her (I’m not going to) because of what her reaction might be. I’m so worried about her - I have a great support network of friends thankfully but even with that I’m finding it so hard, and she has no other friends than me where we live. I’m scared she’s still with him and hurting and manipulated by him to stay :( because although she called me a liar etc I think she does know deep down, and I think she must know now that he slept with me either way - police couldn’t tell me what he said but I assume he admitted that much from what they asked me.

Other friends have just been so unhelpful too, most of my friends are amazing but some have made comments like ‘well being arrested is bad enough for him don’t you think’ and ‘why are you worried about X? Realistically she’s not going to want to hear anything you have to say anymore’. They just hurt me.

I really do feel on some level she must know I wouldn’t do that to her, and that I wouldn’t lie. I think she must just be in denial and of course I don’t want to undersppreciste how horrific it must be for your LT bf to be accused of rape. It’s not the same, but I had a similarly manipulative ex a while back so I know how easy it is for them to get in your head and convince you of their ‘truth’ even though you KNOW it isn’t in yourself.

Sorry this is so long - just rambling my thoughts really - sad and angry for myself but heartbroken for my friend and I wish I could be there for her and help her out of this. I don’t even know if they are still together or what’s happened :( I just feel so so sad.

Look after yourself. Number 1 priority. Rape crisis can help you work out what you want or don't want to do.

OP - Get some advice and if it suits you ask for counselling and then you can decide what is best for you.

As long as the police already have all of the evidence, they is no need to make a rush decision.

If I were you I would tell the police that you need time to make up your mind. Even though there should not be any danger of any evidence being destroyed, it never hurts to let them know what you are thinking.

Also, I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, he’s utter scum and this is not your fault.

Honestly, I wouldn’t encourage you to press charges. I would support any woman who did press charges, but it’s not something I would ever push someone to do. The court case can be even more distressing than the rape itself, he’s unlikely to be convicted, and even if he was, people who want to believe him, still will. It’s also not your responsibility to stop him from doing it again (and it’s not as if 2 years in prison will end any chance if that anyway).

No woman should feel like they have to put themselves through even more trauma, especially when rape victims are treated so horrifically and juries are so reluctant to find men guilty. In their minds Reasonable Doubt suddenly means Beyong Any Shadow Of A Doubt.

Look after yourself, do what YOU need to do, don’t be pushed in to anything. One thing I do know is that women are resilient and strong, and this will not define you or ruin you. You will come back from this stronger than ever before. Xx

Sorry to be negative but she might never believe you, a similar thing happened to my sister, my brother died and my sister became close with his ex (ou r nieces mum) she had a boyfriend and they all got on. One night she slept at their house and he sexually assaulted her. When she told our nieces mum she refused to believe her and hasn't spoken to ou r family sin ce, that was 8 years ago. We lost a relationship with my niece as she cut all contact . We have tried over the years but nothing. So just be prepared she may never believe you, 8 years later they are still together and have had more kids.

Sorry this happened to you

Thank you. I’ve told the police how unsure I am so they’re aware I haven’t made a decision.

At the moment I just feel so angry. She’s delusional. Posting pictures on holiday pretending to be happy and pretending her life is perfect? It’s a fucking joke.

AngelsSins you’ve summarised how I feel about the whole thing :( I feel it is SO unlikely for him to be found guilty. It’s sad and it shouldn’t be be this way but there’s things that would be used against me in court - past promiscuity etc. Being the ‘promiscuous friend’ of theirs. I just feel sick thinking about it.

I don’t expect her to ever forgive or believe me, tbh. I know things will never ever be the same no matter what happens but I just feel sad that her life will be wasted with him. He’s scum. It’s not my responsibility to get her to see that. As soon as I said ‘he forced me to do XYZ’ she immediately started yelling how could I do that to her when he’s her boyfriend. Incomprehensible

Focus on YOU,talk to rape crisis and the police. You do what you need to do for yourself. You're not responsible to get him off the streets,you're not responsible for any future victims and you are definitely not responsible for the well being of your friend.
Don't put yourself through anything just to "prove" you're telling the truth. You know what the truth is. And a lot of them will do too,or at least have an inkling something is wrong. It's not dwn to you though,you owe them nothing.
Focus on yourself and your wellbeing. I hope you have been checked for STI's and a possible pregnancy.

She’s delusional. Posting pictures on holiday pretending to be happy and pretending her life is perfect?
She is in denial about it all.

How awful. I don’t know what else to say but wanted to let you know I’d read your post and absolutely feel for you. Stop worrying about her and what she thinks/feels. Concentrate on you and what you need. Friends don’t put blokes before best mates. She’s not worth your worry. Have you seen a solicitor? If not, go see one who can give you an idea of how likely it will be to get a conviction

I am so sorry this happened to you OP I can only imagine the conflicting feelings you are having. I definitely agree that you need to focus on you and I would also be taking her off FB for now. It can't be helping seeing her delusion and her support towards him.

I really hope that in time she sees the bastard for what he is. Not that it will make a difference to your friendship now. It is so very sad and anger inducing that she does not believe you and she has to blame you instead of looking at her partners despicable crime.

Much love to you OP

Hi Sharplowrl,

as a bloke I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

But as a father to two beautiful daughters, please press charges if you feel able.

I understand if you can't and please don't let that difficult choice sway your decision. But also,don't let the loss of your friendship have any input into what you do. You ex-friend obviously puts her well-being before anything else(we've all known insecure, feeble people like that) so there isn't much there to lose anyway.

I would hate for some piece of scum like him to attack my daughters when someone can make sure he is put away. Unfortunately, we can't treat these animals like they should be treated but they should still be locked away where they can't harm another innocent girl.

I hope that you get all the support that you deserve and need to have a happy life without this ruining it.

Take care of yourself OP and get counselling even if you choose not to press charges.

Hi op,

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

My DD was raped in Jan by a very good friend of a friend of hers. She had her drink spiked. She pressed charges.

In early September she was informed by the police that they had completed their investigation and they were dropping charges.

This was very upsetting. But they only press charges in 5 per cent of rape cases.

As part of the investigation, they interviewed alot of her friends/acquaintances that were present on the night out when it happened.
Now it has been dropped I'm wondering how will those people regard her. Will they think she made it up.
Sickeningly, one female friend invited him to her 21st birthday party and in the meantime has been openly hostile to my DD. Obviously we know who she sides with.
My DD pressed charges from the point of view of having an ethical responsibility to make sure he didn't do it again, to try and get some justice, because she had spiked her drink and thus potentially had had her life put in danger.
In a way, pressing charges did help in some ways as he was then banned from entering her hall of residence and in addition, because she had to take alot of time off from her course, her tutors and lecturers mostly cut her some slack and gave her extra support allowing her to catch up on her workload which was essential and without which she would have had to repeat the whole academic year.
It is very important to have sti checks and if necessary HIV prevention medicine. You need to go to a gum clinic asap. You can get an accelerated appt if you explain.
I completely recognise how you feel responsible for preventing this occurring to someone else. I feel exactly as you do.
In my DD's case, the perpetrator has paid positions of responsibility in church and helps out in choir summer schools with young people. He posts pictures of baby ducks on social media and talks about gender equality. He raises money for charity. He is also 'gay'. Really he is the epitomy of the abuser that everyone thinks is really nice. It just goes to show you that you can never tell.

So sorry this happened to you.

Please consider pressing charges.

A friend of the family did the same to me. I didn't press charges as I felt I couldn't go through it all and I would lose all our mutual friends. I lost them anyway as they didn't believe me.

18 months later he sexually assaulted a 14 year old in their family. Was caught in the act.

I feel like that wouldn't have happened if I had gone ahead with pressing charges.

Had2namechange absolutely no responsiblilty lays with you over the later assault. I get cross with people saying press charges to think of future woman being attacked. It’s certainly not the responsibility of yours, it is entirely with the perpetrator. Please do not blame yourself. X

OP please get some support whilst you decide what to do, do whatever is best for yourself and maybe step away from your ex friend and remove yourself from their social media. It’s very, very early days and you’ll go through different emotions hourly, daily, weekly.

You did the correct thing reporting it so the evidence is documented whilst you decide. Look after yourself. X

Inneedabodytransplant - I would hate for some piece of scum like him to attack my daughters when someone can make sure he is put away.
And who is that someone, the OP? How dare you try to imply that the OP might have some kind of responsibility if she doesn't press charges and her attacker rapes someone one else

To the OP and all the PP on here who feel guilty/responsible/etc for the ongoing crimes of your attacker, let me tell you something - rape only happens because the rapist chooses to rape. That's it, no other cause. If rapists chose not to rape no one would ever be raped again.

I was raped by my exh.
I wish I could go back in time and report him and press charges.
He needed to be exposed for the louse that he is. And for me to take back control.

He won't rape again , it was power over me and he is an old man practically house bound now.

But I should have had my voice heard.

OP, I'm really sorry, I hope things will be better.
Has any one spoke to you about 3rd party reporting? This allows you to have all your evidence taken and stored. You don't use it to charge your attacker yourself but if he is involved in an other rape they can use it in that case.

Yes, press charges. Even if they are dropped through lack of evidence, it will be on record somewhere. My daughter was in an abusive relationship and the counsellor told her that if anything happened to another gf he would be investigated. So do it for the others.

If people don't believe you they are not worthy of being in your life.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Even if they are dropped through lack of evidence, it will be on record somewhere

The same is true if OP doesn't press charges. It will stay on police intel. Please don't push OP in trying to press charges if she doesn't want to. The chances of him being convicted are minimal at best. That's the reality. If OP lets it lie and he does do it to someone else, the police will actually come back to her and ask if they can proceed with her case (this happened with someone I know). So her initial report has still helped.

People are already giving her a hard time about it in real life. That will get a thousand times worse if she goes ahead with this. She will have to live through that. OP has to do whats right for her and her only.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Do what feels right to you. Don't be swayed by anyone else either way.

Hope you're doing ok OP

No words can make it better but...
I believe you.
I am proud of you for reporting.
I am so sorry you're going through this.
X

I think you should press charges. Don’t feel bad or guilty because of him or your friend, you’ve done nothing wrong.

I was raped (a few times..) and I never even reported them. I was alone abroad so it was more complicated but one of them in particular I do wish I'd had at least questioned by police. He was a manipulative shit and there's no way he had a personality transplant, so I'm pretty sure he's done it again in the 20 years since.

It's not my fault if he has though, it's his. Yes, me reporting may have stopped him, but his actions aren't my responsibility. I should not have to be raped and then go through the scary ordeal of reporting it and maybe going to court. The police have a job to protect people and men have a job to be human and view others as human, not warm corpses to fulfil their need for control.

So OP report if you want to and have support, but never feel guilty for not: you haven't raped anybody.

And I'm so sorry this - the rape and everything that follows it - has happened to you. Get as much help as you can now therapeutically, if you might want it, because that will help longer term.

@sharplowrl
How are you doing?