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Original poster

Aibu to end a relationship because of an ex?

58 replies

MumtoFour89 · 08/09/2018 14:08

I just don’t know what to do Sad
I’m at my wits end with my partner’s ex.
This week it really feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back and I just want to leave so I don’t have to deal with her anymore.
Just to be clear I love my stepchild and this nothing to do with her.

Would I be unreasonable to put my happiness first and leave my partner of 8 years and therefore I don’t have to have any contact with this woman ever again? It sounds like an extreme move but I just can’t cope with another 8 years of this.

This week the kids went back to school and my son who has Autism was being very difficult on the morning that my stepdd was going back to school. She goes to high school so started back a different day. I was dealing with my son and it got to the point where I had missed the opportunity to get a back to school photo of stepdd. I felt absolutely awful as it only takes a minute or two to take a photo, so I phoned her, telling her I will get a lovely photo of her when she gets home from school. She understood and I said I was so sorry. It looked bad though as I had taken a photo of my children the day before when they went back to school. Anyway I got the kids to school and then received a message from her mum asking if I’d got a picture. I apologised and said no I didn’t and that I’m really sorry, and explained why.
Anyway, she went crazy at me and accused me of treating her differently just because she’s not mine. It absolutely isn’t the case at all Sad She said I spared no thought for stepdd when in actual fact I did and had every intention of getting a photo just like I have done in previous years. If the same occurred when my children went back to school I would not have got a photo of them either. She of course doesn’t believe that for one minute.
I was in tears when I got home from the school run. I was exhausted from the morning I had just had with ds and then felt like a really shitty person about the photo which was not intentional. Her mum wanted a morning photo and any other photo isn’t the same.

I’ve felt really down ever since Wednesday. Questioning everything about my life and whether I want to put up with this for another 8 years. My partner loves me and I love him, but I really can’t do this anymore. I’m nearly 30 and the clock only goes one way.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 08/09/2018 14:10

Where was your partner in all of this? Why didn't he take a picture? Does he parent his daughter (your DSD) or are you doing the majority of that?

Creeper8 · 08/09/2018 14:11

Hmm I can see why she was annoyed tbh. Im also wondering where your partner was??

TwistedStitch · 08/09/2018 14:15

Can you opt out of communication with his ex? Block her and tell your partner he can deal with it all from now on.

LittleMe03 · 08/09/2018 14:21

Im not sure why it matters where her partner was. As a couple you become a family and so work together. Maybe he went to work early? Confused

My partner leaves for work around 7am each morning. My DSS leaves for school at 8.30 and I leave for work at 9!

OP... it sounds as thou your DSD is older than your other children and so you had a lot on your hands. It was a genuine mistake and I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to take some lovely picture of her. As for her mother, if it was so important to her then why did she not come and take her own picture of her daughter?

Original poster
MumtoFour89 · 08/09/2018 14:23

He was upstairs getting ready. She was annoyed at him too, but I seemed to get it a lot worse from her. I feel like had he helped a bit that morning then things would have been different.
I am upset because she seemed to be more angry at me than him, when I had just had a very difficult morning while he just took his time. He doesn’t see the big deal about back to school photos for any of them so it’s always me that does them.

I’m upset at them both, but mainly her for the ranty messages about not giving a shit. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

OP posts:
LittleMe03 · 08/09/2018 14:26

Well in that case that's different and yes you should be annoyed with your partner. Have you spoken to him about it?

Original poster
MumtoFour89 · 08/09/2018 14:26

TwistedStitch
We’ve only got each other’s numbers just in case any emergencies come up. I’d happily block her number if it wasn’t for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumtoFour89 · 08/09/2018 14:33

Yes I’ve spoken to him about it and told him how upset I am about it. He says he’s sorry but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
When stepdd got home the first thing I did was get a lovely photo of her.

OP posts:
another20 · 08/09/2018 14:39

Got to be a back story here. This can’t be a one off. What’s going on? Does your OH support and defend you - or regulary leave you in the line of fire from his ex?

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 14:40

Not quite sure why dsd's mother wasn't taking her to school? If the photo was that important, why wasn't she there to take it? Anyway, if it was me if just hang up on her if she goes into rant mode. QED end of problem. Honestly, that's easier than breaking your family up!

Original poster
MumtoFour89 · 08/09/2018 14:48

My partner has told her in the past not to contact me unless it’s absolutely necessary. Anything else she can contact him.
I really shouldn’t have responded to her and just left him to deal with it but I felt I had to defend myself at the time.

OP posts:
LuckyDiamond · 08/09/2018 14:49

Doorstep photos on the first day every year (other than day one of very first day) are a Facebook phenomenon anyway.

If she wanted one that badly she could have been there to take it herself.

The fact she feels she can speak to you in the way she does is an issue for your bloke to sort out. You and she don’t really need to be communicating.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2018 15:09

I wouldn't end it over this incident. Next time just ignore her or divert her to your DP.

Don't engage with her. A school photo is not an emergency.

You were going to take it later on....so you know there was no malice or preferential treatment.

Maelstrop · 08/09/2018 15:09

Block her. Why on Earth is she blaming you for the lack of pointless photo? You’re not the child’s parent. Is it wife work?? Your partner is the one at fault, not you.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 08/09/2018 15:12

The day I chucked dh out and realised i no longer had to deal with his ex was monumental.
Best day ever!!
Your dp is a twat for allowing her to treat you like this.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/09/2018 15:20

So, you were dealing with DS and DP was just taking his time and not helping, he knows a photo is important to you, and clearly his ex, but he doesn’t bother...are you sure he’s as wonderful as you say?!

I wouldn’t let an ex come between us, but a DP who was lazy, thoughtless, selfish and didn’t do his share...I’d be off in a flash.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 08/09/2018 15:29

Your stepdd has 2 parents. Neither of them were bothered enough to take a stupid photo, so why the fuck should you be blamed!?!? This is utterly ridiculous and personally if this is a constant situation where you are the whipping boy, I would do 2 things. Firstly block her number, after telling her very clearly to fuck off. Secondly i would be dumping your partner for allowing this shit to become normal. A half arsed sorry from him isn't worth sod all and that sounds about a good a partner as he is, busying himself getting ready for work and letting you get all the dc, including his, out the door to school. I put money that he totally takes you for granted everyday.
Do yourself a favour, concentrate on you and your dc and free yourself from the aggro this guy brings to your life.

RebelRogue · 08/09/2018 15:48

Think carefully if there is a pattern here...him doing his "important " stuff, you running around like a headless chicken, her putting all the blame on you.

If there is...end it. Because of him,not her.

Gemini69 · 08/09/2018 16:42

Your stepdd has 2 parents. Neither of them were bothered enough to take a stupid photo, so why the fuck should you be blamed!?!? This is utterly ridiculous and personally if this is a constant situation where you are the whipping boy, I would do 2 things. Firstly block her number, after telling her very clearly to fuck off. Secondly i would be dumping your partner for allowing this shit to become normal. A half arsed sorry from him isn't worth sod all and that sounds about a good a partner as he is, busying himself getting ready for work and letting you get all the dc, including his, out the door to school. I put money that he totally takes you for granted everyday.
Do yourself a favour, concentrate on you and your dc and free yourself from the aggro this guy brings to your life.

This with big noisy Bells on lovely Flowers

Santaclarita · 08/09/2018 17:14

Who the hell gets back to school photos for a kid in high school? How embarrassing for the teenager.

Tell her to shut up and tell your 'd'p to do some bloody parenting if a picture is so important. Block her number, block her on fb/instagram/twitter etc since she's so into her photo sessions she must have all of them and tell them to knock their heads together and figure out how to be bloody adults for a change.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 08/09/2018 17:21

I took my 5 year olds photo on day 3 as that's when his brother staeted nursery, and I couldn't bear the thought of 2 seperate mornings trying to get a decent photo of them.
She needs to get a grip. Photos are not the be all and end all!

hayli · 08/09/2018 17:28

Hmm I can see why she was annoyed tbh
Really?!!! maybe be annoyed af at the father but op?! Nah not her responsibility at all
Like a pp mentioned if it was that bloody important to get a secondary school aged 'going back to school photo' (ff sake who even does that ?!) she should have come herself and taken it.

RainySeptember · 08/09/2018 17:28

Don't worry. Your stepdd will explain what happened to her Mum, and why the photo wasn't taken in the morning, and she'll feel like a cow.

You can also now send her the afternoon one, with your own explanation if you feel the need to explain.

Honestly, stick to the high road and she'll be the one feeling awful about her behaviour.

Creeper8 · 08/09/2018 17:43

Well im sure the op would have found time to take her own kids pics...

LittleMe03 · 08/09/2018 18:27

Well im sure the op would have found time to take her own kids pics...

Have you read the full op? Hmm