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Original poster

Aibu to end a relationship because of an ex?

58 replies

MumtoFour89 · 08/09/2018 14:08

I just don’t know what to do Sad
I’m at my wits end with my partner’s ex.
This week it really feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back and I just want to leave so I don’t have to deal with her anymore.
Just to be clear I love my stepchild and this nothing to do with her.

Would I be unreasonable to put my happiness first and leave my partner of 8 years and therefore I don’t have to have any contact with this woman ever again? It sounds like an extreme move but I just can’t cope with another 8 years of this.

This week the kids went back to school and my son who has Autism was being very difficult on the morning that my stepdd was going back to school. She goes to high school so started back a different day. I was dealing with my son and it got to the point where I had missed the opportunity to get a back to school photo of stepdd. I felt absolutely awful as it only takes a minute or two to take a photo, so I phoned her, telling her I will get a lovely photo of her when she gets home from school. She understood and I said I was so sorry. It looked bad though as I had taken a photo of my children the day before when they went back to school. Anyway I got the kids to school and then received a message from her mum asking if I’d got a picture. I apologised and said no I didn’t and that I’m really sorry, and explained why.
Anyway, she went crazy at me and accused me of treating her differently just because she’s not mine. It absolutely isn’t the case at all Sad She said I spared no thought for stepdd when in actual fact I did and had every intention of getting a photo just like I have done in previous years. If the same occurred when my children went back to school I would not have got a photo of them either. She of course doesn’t believe that for one minute.
I was in tears when I got home from the school run. I was exhausted from the morning I had just had with ds and then felt like a really shitty person about the photo which was not intentional. Her mum wanted a morning photo and any other photo isn’t the same.

I’ve felt really down ever since Wednesday. Questioning everything about my life and whether I want to put up with this for another 8 years. My partner loves me and I love him, but I really can’t do this anymore. I’m nearly 30 and the clock only goes one way.

OP posts:
subspace · 08/09/2018 18:52

Urgh.

She is BU. It's a photo. Of her teenage kid.

You're right that you shouldn't have replied. You don't need to defend yourself to your partner's ex.

RebelRogue · 08/09/2018 19:21

@Creeper8 and?

chillpizza · 08/09/2018 19:44

I didn’t take a photo of my own children this year it just completely slipped my mind and last year was a photo of their backs. They will look the same the day after and day before. I don’t get the big deal.

RainySeptember · 08/09/2018 20:29

"I don’t get the big deal."

Well tbf some people have taken a photo of their kids on the first day of school for, say, 15 years and would be sad if after all that effort someone else let them down (even if it was understandable).

"It's a photo. Of her teenage kid."

Parents don't stop loving their kids to death when they turn 13 you know.

DP's ex was wrong to be so nasty about it, but she may well have been genuinely upset.
Life would be a lot nicer if people met bad behaviour with impeccable behaviour imo. Send her the photo and a genuine explanation/apology.

VioletCharlotte · 08/09/2018 20:36

Total overreaction on the ex's behalf. When did the 'back to school' picture become obligatory? I took a picture of mine on their first day in reception, but never bothered after that. Especially at secondary school!

RebelRogue · 08/09/2018 21:17

@RainySeptember well if it was THAT important she could've...
1.popped in in the morning and take the picture herself.
2.asked to have DD the previous night/that day
3.texted and reminded the father or the child how important a picture is.
4.actually understand the situation and accept an "after" picture. First day of school is first day of school,regardless if morning or afternoon.

rainingcatsanddog · 08/09/2018 21:34

If it makes you feel better I took a pic of my kids after school and the next morning as we were too busy on day 1.

SandyY2K · 08/09/2018 21:46

I don't think it's the DPs fault either. In all honesty it tends to be mums who take these pics.

I took all the ones of my DC. My DH played no part in it...and it wasn't an issue.

PipeTheFuckDown · 08/09/2018 21:52

His ex is a twat but HE is also a twat.

Does your Step child live with you?

I have an autistic child, it’s bloody hard work and I’ve missed all sorts of things with my other two because of meltdowns etc, it’s utter shit, but with the best will in the world there’s nothing you can do.

Quartz2208 · 08/09/2018 21:56

She is being unreasonable but yes her Dad could have done it and then when it not happened dealt with it

You are right you should not have to deal with it but its as much on him as it is on her

stoneriverpuddle · 08/09/2018 23:34

You don't need each other's numbers incase of emergencies! Block her number or change yours! I don't have my ex's partners numbers and vice versus.

stoneriverpuddle · 08/09/2018 23:34

Versa*

RainySeptember · 09/09/2018 00:00

*Rebel
*
I think your suggestions are barmy. She asked if a photo could be taken and was presumably told that it would be. What would op be saying if the ex had said she didn't trust them to remember so would pop round that morning, or wanted to swap days, or texted several times to remind them?

I'm not apologising for the ex. It sounds like she's jumped to conclusions and hugely overreacted. I agree that an afternoon photo is fine. Just defending all of those parents who like the tradition, after several pp scoffed at it.

Redken24 · 09/09/2018 00:07

Your 29 with your own responsibilities and her dad can take a photo.
Stop feeling guilty, your trying your best.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 09/09/2018 01:19

Your stepdd has 2 parents. Neither of them were bothered enough to take a stupid photo, so why the fuck should you be blamed!?!? This is utterly ridiculous and personally if this is a constant situation where you are the whipping boy, I would do 2 things. Firstly block her number, after telling her very clearly to fuck off. Secondly i would be dumping your partner for allowing this shit to become normal. A half arsed sorry from him isn't worth sod all and that sounds about a good a partner as he is, busying himself getting ready for work and letting you get all the dc, including his, out the door to school. I put money that he totally takes you for granted everyday.
Do yourself a favour, concentrate on you and your dc and free yourself from the aggro this guy brings to your life.

This

Blondebakingmumma · 09/09/2018 07:31

I’d say her anger was coughing from a place of sadness as I’m sure she would have loved to see her daughter in the morning before school?
Don’t take it to heart, the most important thing is that your Step daughter knows your real intentions.

Grobagsforever · 09/09/2018 07:48

Your DP is the problem here. Faffing around upstairs instead of taking the photo. I imagine she got sick of such behaviour when she was married to him...

Dieu · 09/09/2018 08:44

Chances are he was upstairs completely oblivious to the importance of the photo. Jesus wept, the overreactions on here at times ...

Don't let her get you down, OP. She was completely bloody ridiculous. I do think you're going to have to harden yourself a bit though. You aren't responsible for the ex's behaviour, but you are responsible for your own reaction to her behaviour.

Flowers
subspace · 09/09/2018 08:59

@RainySeptember

Parents don't stop loving their kids to death when they turn 13 you know.

Of course not, what a strange comment. But a 15 year old has already had 9 first days (mostly back) at school and probably at least one first day of nursery. Thanks to digital photography and phone cameras there are probably 9,9650,570,001 photos of the 15 year old in existence.

Missing a morning of a first day back at school photo doesn't need to be made into a big drama. That's a choice.

RebelRogue · 09/09/2018 09:08

@Dieu he was also oblivious that his son with autism was having a meltdown,and that his partner was trying to get several children ready and out the door for school,and she was struggling. That's the issue .

Dieu · 09/09/2018 09:14

Chances are the teenage was getting herself ready, while the OP was looking after her son.
I work with children who have autism every day, and know how incredibly difficult it can be. I have a lot of empathy for the OP.
But do you know what, sometimes these things (i.e. shitty mornings) just happen. It's a snapshot. Doesn't mean he's completely crap the rest of the time.

Dieu · 09/09/2018 09:14

teenager

lifebegins50 · 09/09/2018 09:24

How many dc do you have?

You have a right to remove toxic people from your life...just got to figure if that is the Ex or your partner..or both!

LotsToThinkOf · 09/09/2018 09:31

She has overreacted massively, my toddler was so furious that his big brother was going to school that I forgot to take a photograph! I took one the next morning, I don't post them on Facebook so it's not like I do it for attention but I like to have a comparison from the beginning to the end of the year.

Your DH should have been helping, and if DSD mother was going to be so upset then she should have been at your house on the morning to do it. It's utterly ridiculous, DSD will look like exactly the same on her second day.

YABU to end the relationship over this but I'd be tempted if it was just another incident in a long line of things your DH could intervene with and doesn't. His ex should be his problem, I'd refuse to deal with her or have contact with her and let him sort it out. He had a child with her and should be communicating.

Sit down with DSD, explain what happened with the photograph and make sure she knows how much you care for her. Tell her some of your favourite memories about her and show some photographs of her that you've taken. Guaranteed her mother will use this to tell DSD you don't care for her like you care for your own children and it's important that she doesn't have to deal with the feelings she'll have because of this.

RainySeptember · 09/09/2018 09:39

Does this sort of thing happen regularly op? I assume so, if you're thinking of ending a relationship with someone you love because of it. It does sound a little extreme. Better to block her on everything and leave dp to communicate with her, as pp have said.