I've had enough of being a forces wife.

[Windytwigs]

Posted in 'forces sweethearts', but that's a very quiet topic, so posting here for traffic and opinions in addition.

Have put up with a lot of crap, moves and time apart over the past 20 years, and I've had enough. Dh is happy as he's in a good position, goes away regularly to nice places, socialises etc. He doesn't really know what's going on at home with kids, house, other things. I've had to fit in work and everything around him. I get the feeling if I didn't take the initiative with things, nothing would happen. We wouldn't be living together in the same place (when he's not elsewhere), we'd never go out or on holiday, etc.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to suddenly realise how much their support has been used yet taken for granted. Any advice?

Has anyone's dh left the forces to improve family life or the work/life balance?

Something has got to give soon. Dh is away again atm, phoned last night (manages once or twice a week) and neither DC wanted to talk to him as they were engrossed in other things. He was super pissed off, but he's been away so much during their lifetime that they don't miss him that much when he's not here nowadays. (He joined up prekids, and I pretty much told him this would happen, so I don't feel he's got any right to be pissed off at me that they're happy without him here!?)

Sorry, that's a big rant! I am super grateful dh has a job, we have a place to live etc. Am trying not to whinge because I know a lot of ppl are worse off. But am mentally struggling atm. Thanks for reading.

Sorry you are unhappy.
As I have seen on here said lots what are you going to do about it?
I suggest you plan then speak to your husband.
It's time to prioritize your happiness.
Do you want to study/work what would fulfill you more?
If your husband won't change careers what are you going to do will it be the end? If it will you need to plan for this.

I don't know sickof, I'm constrained in what I can do, living the greater proportion of the year as a single parent, for all intents and purposes, with primary aged DC. Dh has had a few opportunities to leave in the past, but didnt/doesn't really want to leave the forces. He really enjoys it, and his parents really big it/ him up, with no reference to the fact he wouldn't be able to swan off with no family responsibilities if I didn't pick up the slack. I've spoken to him before, but anything I want to do would have to be organised by myself with no help whatsoever from him eg no dropping off/picking up kids/days off with sick kids etc. For nearly the last 20 years he's only done his job, not much of anything else because he's either not been there, or it's seen as my job as the (currently) sahm. The only way my life would improve is if he changed jobs to one where he didn't go away, but he's flat out told me that's impossible. I don't really know if it is or not.

I fully sympathise with ur situation. My DH was in the forces. He was only in for 5yrs & left 2yrs ago (his choice, he wasn't happy with it). We were together (around 1yr) before he joined but he had made it clear from the start that he would be signing up. I supported him fully, living apart, then giving up my job, moves etc.
Since he's left he's like a different person, in a good way. He's much happier & doesn't have that 'lads' mentality. I thibj that if he'd stayed long term, we would have eventually split.
I think being a forces wife you've put up with & given up a lot for 20yrs. Maybe it's time for him to support u & for u to live the life that u want? Please don't take offence to that. I'm not suggesting that u weren't happy living as his wife & a mother but from seeing other forces wives, I feel that more often than not the supporting them with their career leads to the wife's being on the sidelines, not really having their own life? Have you spoken to him about the possibility of him leaving? Sounds like he doesn't want to but for the sake of family life, would he be willing to?

I think the onus is on you to decide what you want. The kids probably are aware of how fed you are and maybe unconsciously distancing themselves from their dad. He won’t change and if he does leave he would only resent you for it. The decision is very much yours leave him and make your own future and stick with it and see if he see the light

You need to give him an ultimatum. And you need to be clear that if you split up, he will need to take half the responsibility for childcare - whatever his job.

I don't think it's likely he will leave the army as he obviously loves it, and if he did he would resent you to the point that it might poison the relationship. But you can leave. You're already basically a single parent and the children are used to being without him so it wouldn't be the wrench it is for other families.

Do you love him

Right then, typed this all out and somehow it didn't upload. So apologies if it ends up posting twice at some point.....

My DH spent 21 years in the forces, he would have stayed forever if they'd let him. We were married for 10 of those years and at the end of them I was sick to death of being the one project managing all our moves and making the money go round but then being abandoned at home, often for months at a time at ridiculously short notice, juggling a FT job and 2 young kids whilst he swanned around doing fa on the few occasions he was at home.

Then he got orders out of the blue to move yet again for 12 months. I told him the kids (one of whom had just started at school) and I weren't moving and we'd talk about things again when they decided where he was going to go after the 12 months. I simply couldn't face another two moves within 12 months - we'd only just got unpacked from the last move. So he went on his own and within 8 months decided he was going to retire as he didn't like being on his own and it was 'too hard' working FT and trying to do everything himself

That was 6 years ago and in all honestly, I'd caution you to be careful what you wish for. He's still completely institutionalised and finds it hard to live in the civilian world, constantly rages against normal things because 'it wouldn't be this way in the forces'. He was fairly senior in the forces, though this was through working his way up the ladder over time rather than ability and qualifications, so he retired with no qualifications of any use in the civilian world and few transferable skills. He's had a handful of low-paid part-time jobs in the 6 years so I am now the main breadwinner and we constantly fight about the fact that in order for me to earn the money, he needs to manage the basics at home and see to the kids (they're tweens now so don't need much, rides to school and hobbies, supervising homework, making tea and the like).

He is utterly miserable, angry, depressed, seriously overweight, and massively resents that he's no longer the 'big man' and that I bring in the money (even though I earned more than him when we met and gave up my career to travel the world to 'support' him and have his kids. I tend to look at it more as being 'thank heavens I have qualifications and can earn a good income so we don't starve'). He does very little at home so I spend my weekends cleaning, gardening, DIY etc and he doesn't enjoy time spent with the kids.

He had access to some counselling through the military after he retired, after a few months they summoned me to attend with him and I was told I wasn't supporting his transition enough. I might have suggested the daft (female) colonel go give her head a wobble as I was (still am) working 60+ hours a week, including two very long days away from home when I don't get to see my kids at all, in order to pay the bills cos he can't. Not interested in hearing that I'm not supporting him, sorry.

Certainly not saying this would be the same for you, but I would definitely recommend anyone who has had a long military career to give serious thought to what they are going to do before they get out, and make plans accordingly (maybe do some night classes or whatever).

Not sure this has helped, in fact reading it back I realise it's more of a rant on my part, but I feel your pain and have been pretty much in your position. I didn't get any choice in the fact that he decided to retire and just had to roll with it and adapt to overcome, but if you do have a choice and time to make some plans (encourage him to think about what he could do in civilian life and whether he needs any qualifications etc for it) it might be useful.

xandersmom2 that bit of your post about the counsellor just made my blood boil.

OP I can't offer anything other than sympathy, and I dont think YABU to want some sort of recognition for your labour, physical and emotional.

Thanks for the messages and support, it often feels like a very solitary existence while your dh is out enjoying his career away from home, and I'm sorry many of us feel this. A lot of your comments rang very true to me.

I have spoken to him about leaving, but his latest comment about not having anything to move on to was : 'no one has handed me another job on a silver platter'. I don't think he's seriously thinking about it, I just get his back up. He says he has no idea where to start looking, as it's all he's known for so long. Yet he hasn't gone to see his career advisor about options, or even looked into seeing what changes he can make within the navy. He is presenting it as if I've given an ultimatum or leave the navy or were done, but I haven't. I'm well aware that I am now in a poor position for work, and if he had no job we would struggle intensely. He also sees himself as a 'big man', which over the years has led to an increasing lack of consideration for me, I think. He has seen himself as too important to take a day off work with sick kids, for eg, so (before I became a sahm) two lots of chickenpox and all the other sickness fell to me to deal with. Not good for my job!

It's also not a real option to leave with the kids. They have so little stability anyway that the changes (physically, mentally and emotionally) that would occur with separation would be so so hard on them. It's not true that he would have to do his fair share of childcare either. If he's deployed or working elsewhere, he would be unable to do so, so I'd still be doing it all, but be considerably poorer.

Sorry for the rant. I just can't see any improvement without his cooperation, and from what he's said so far I feel if he did anything, it would be to leave for something less well paid/interesting so he could then blame the resulting problems (money, relationship etc) on me. He can get quite petty and verbally aggressive when challenged. And he didn't used to be like that. He might be in an important position at work, but he's a husband and father to us. I think he forgets that's supposed to be important too.

I grew up in a forces family. After a few years of regular moves and two small children, my mother refused to move any more, so at least I was spared the upheaval of changing schools, losing friends etc every few years. She worked and basically lived as a single mother throughout my childhood. She also refused to play the part of the dutiful forces wife - my father always supported her in that, but I know it wasn't easy (commanding officer discussing with him whether it was a good idea to "let" get study, etc) .

I have a good relationship with my father now, but throughout my childhood he was a stranger to me. As a result, I would never get involved with someone in the forces - not only are they physically absent for long periods, but the military is extremely bad for people. It institutionalises and traumatises people and leaves them unable to deal with normal life.

I'm not sure if there's a fix for this - all you can do is decide if you want to put up with it or not.

sendin, your mum sounds v sensible, I've tried to limit the upheaval for the kids, and apparently it's all for my own good. I don't want to put up with it any longer, but what's the option? Separation, less money and time for DC with their dad? Arguments and ill feeling?
I would never get involved with anyone in the forces either, unfortunately we'd been together a long time before he joined up, and he's just become increasingly selfish since.

Unfortunately there is a huge divorce rate with armed forces marriages, and for good reason. All the things you mention here are so true for most forces wives. We put up with so much, and for so little return.

I was married to a soldier for 20 years and experienced all the things you mention - it's a lonely life, we moved every three years so I never knew anyone for long, and I had my children / brought them up as a single mother.

My "career" consisted of a series of jobs which never left me with any seniority , so by the time he retired I was too far behind to make any sort of career moves. Which was ironic because I was in a field where I could have had a satisfying and well-paid career if I'd been able to stay in one place , dammit !

I agree with xandersmom about the problems when they retire. My husband also came out with some good seniority but it didn't translate into anything he could use in the civilian world. He sat on his bottom for a couple of years, "looking for work" while I worked two jobs to support the family. Then he started a little home gardening business which was no more than a hobby , and which never paid enough to keep us afloat. He missed his "lad's life" with all the boys and the social side of it. Nothing ever came close for him. So yes, I'd say "be careful what you wish for " because when they get out of the forces it isn't all roses.

I ended up divorcing my husband - I really felt that I didn't know him any more, and our life after the Army was worse, if anything, than the life before he left.

Good luck to you - sorry but you are going to need it.

You could perhaps take advantage of the the free counselling available to Naval personnel with Relate if your husband would be willing? www.relate.org.uk/royal-navy-and-royal-marines-counselling

I don't have children with my husband but he has spent over 30 years in the forces and I also spent a considerable amount of time serving myself (although am out now). I loved my career and my husband loves his too - but you do very much belong to the service that you are in and "the needs of the service" really do come above all else. It is a very all - consuming atmosphere and I wonder whether some of your husband's escalating pettiness / verbal aggression (I am NOT saying it is in any way justified here!!!) when the subject of him leaving is raised is in part due to anxiety about leaving and the realisation that that time is coming; it is an enormous, enormous change and actually quite scary to be out in the real world again at first. You know your place in the pecking order very much when you are "in" and how to behave in every situation, what is expected of you and what to expect from others. When you leave it does feel as if the rug has been pulled from under your feet and unsure of your place in the world for a little while.

I am in the situation now where we have bought our own place and he is frequently away but I can carry on my life as normal without the continuous moving and starting afresh. As I said, no children so much simpler than your situation - but I wonder whether some stability for you and the children and your husband being married unaccompanied (if the Navy call it that!) might work better for you all? Less resentment perhaps? Less time for the children with their Dad, but perhaps the time you DO all spend together would be very much less stressful and there would be much more a sense of separation between work and home life with not living on the patch?

OP this sounds an awful existence for you. I was a military wife for 25 years and a 'pad brat' as well - so institutionalised as well to some degree. However I am fortunate in that DH is well adjusted and transitioned well out of the RAF which does have a different culture. However, I've to move house on my own when 11 months pregnant, been alone for 9/10 months at a time and had separated postings. However, we discussed each of these and the impact on is both and I was always aware of my DH supporting in whatever way he could. However, you are enabling your DH who is frankly taking the piss and sees no incentive to change his cosy life. As they become more senior they have more input into managing their careers. I wonder how much he is telling you is on the level. Sadly I know quite a few forces people who volunteer for deployments - they are challenging, what they've trained for and away from the drudgery of Home life (their view). It seems your life is utterly miserable - I would have some counselling time yourself to see if you can work through what you want for your life. If you continue without intervention, nothing will change. You do have a choice in these matters and if he refuses to change then you have to think about getting in the driving seat yourself. You have already shown that you are strong enough to manage life on your own - you don't have to match to his time if you chose differently. 💐

Had enough too. So I can offer solidarity. I'm sick of having no friends, crap jobs they don't further my career, feeling like a single parent, and living in a shit house that's crumbling around my ears.

I'm not sure what the answer is though. I'm trying to be as proactive as I can and aim to be working from home by the time DS is in primary, because I know that my life plays second fiddle to DH's career and the social aspects of it. Like yours seems to.

My husband was in the navy when we met and served his time, he chose to leave because he could see it wasn't doing our family life any good but he found it so hard for a few years not having the support network of friends around him. They are basically leaving their lives to start afresh. Luckily he found a job working offshore, yes still away but only for six months of the year and when he's home it can be for weeks or even a month at a time so we do get a lot of quality time as a family. That massively helped him move on from the forces, I think if he didn't find a good job things wouldn't have worked out the way they have

I honestly don't think counseling would be that useful dead. He's had it before when we were going through a rough patch and bullshitted all the way through. Ironically, the problems had been caused by his lack of honesty and detachment while on deployment. Forces spouses have to put a lot of trust in their spouse who works away, and this has added to my disillusionment, now I know he's not completely trustworthy. All those navy stereotypes, and he may actually be one of them. It's shit. We haven't lived on a patch for a while, which is actually better for my mental health!

I know what I want - a trustworthy husband who is home on a night. So either he steps up or I leave and hope there's someone out there who it's worth messing the DC around for? Not good odds either way, I think.

Thx for the solidarity taste. I hope you find a way through it. I'd love to hear how you're doing in the future.

I can totally see how the success of transitioning out of the forces depends on a good job to move on with. And how they miss the camaraderie etc. It's so pathetic that they can't just crack on though, after all, spouses generally end up in crap jobs with rare social lives to enable the forces career in the first place. Maybe empathy isn't a strong point.

Is there any way he could move within the Navy to a role that means he’s around more? Thinking maybe a training type role? Then he still gets to be ‘in’ but it’s more stable for you. Sorry, just going off vague memories of what both my grandfather and my father did in the Army & Navy respectively. Otherwise, there are some roles & contractors (thinking BAE etc but i’m sure there are others) where when you ‘retire’ from the military you basically leave one day wearing uniform and come back in the next wearing a suit, basically doing the same role but now for the contractor rather than the military. Might take a while for him to edge sideways enough to set him up for that but it would be a start.

Either way, it requires him actually listening you you and giving a shit about what you have to say. I think it must be immensely hard for forces wives to admit how much they struggle - there is so much focus on the ‘heroes’ in the military and the expectation is that the families come second and should suck it up and deal with it.

For now - have you researched all options in what you could do NOW to better your life? Don’t just dismiss it as impossible because you have sole care of the children - single parents train, find jobs etc all the time. Look at colleges and ask them about any grants available for childcare etc. See if there is a grant from the Navy to help too. Universities have great support in place for parents. It may require to playing the long game but there are things you can do now to help yourself. The kids won’t melt if you stick them in nursery/after school club for a bit. It sounds harsh, but I would just start crafting a more interesting life for yourself that your DH can just slot into when he’s about. If he’s bothered, then he can look at options to enable him to be around more.

One thought of what to do with the children - depending on age can you get them to write letters/draw pictures to him in their own ime? Then that isn’t dependent on them being available when DH phones, but makes him feel a bit more connected to them when he is away (and would perhaps get him wanting to spend more time with them?)

Unless your DH is infantry most deployments or courses or training abroad or on other cities are actually am option. He's obviously making these options without consulting you and that's where the problem is.

My DP had three options of where to go and I know he'd have chosen Germany back then but we both discussed and I wasn't in a position to leave the country so he chose a city in the UK instead. He did go to Germany for less than a month for some course, which again he asked me before going.

He's probably now used to picking whatever he fancies so might not let you get involved in picking where he goes next, but I can guarantee that where's he's choosing to go is an option and he's obviously not thinking of you and the kids if he's happy to call only twice a week.

Communication is probably the killer of your relationship right now. However you can't teach an old dog new tricks, he's had his way for 20years so he might be the one to leave you if you now try to muscle in and make decisions with him.

I'm currently living this life. Although we have been together 12 years and have never followed him around or lived on base. We live 4 hours away from him.
Surely most of the time he is coming home at night basically 9-5 Monday - Friday?
Mine can retire in 5 years but the kids will be teens then and he will have missed out 😞

xandersmom2

Can he go and volunteer at a local Army Cadet Center? He would be perfect for it.
My friends DH was the same after leaving and had enjoyed teaching everything he knows to a younger group and it really helped with his depression.

@Monday55 - utter rubbish. If the OP’s DH is assigned away - he has no choice. If he is assigned to a ship and the ship deploys - he has no choice. He is subject to the Armed Forces Act. If he “chooses” not to go he is AWOL and the RN can and will send round the local constabulary to fetch him. Of course he can discuss options with his Career Manager about where he is assigned but ultimately the needs of the service will prevail.

OP - have you discussed your concerns with him seriously? Does he know the full extent of your discontent? Have thought about contacting RN RM Welfare? They can, if the issues are serious enough and he engages as well, recommend a compassionate assignment so that he is close to home and can come home every evening. It wouldn’t be permanent but might allow the two of you time to work through the issues and get your relationship to a more stable place.

Sounds as if you have well and truly tried the counselling and understanding route then OP - have you tried welfare too to try and get a change in employment to allow you to try and work through issues?. I am with you on the trust 100%. Without that then there are enormous problems.

Sending you strength.

Do you have some resentment built up because you've built up what a great time he is having while away? I'm sure though that if you really talk to him you'll find his time away is often stressful, hard work and lonely, even if overall he does find it satisfying.

It wouldn't help if, like many men, he isn't good about talking about his problems when he is at home. You both need to talk, really talk. It sounds like you've built up so many barriers you'll need a counsellor to help.