I've had enough of being a forces wife.

[Windytwigs]

Posted in 'forces sweethearts', but that's a very quiet topic, so posting here for traffic and opinions in addition.

Have put up with a lot of crap, moves and time apart over the past 20 years, and I've had enough. Dh is happy as he's in a good position, goes away regularly to nice places, socialises etc. He doesn't really know what's going on at home with kids, house, other things. I've had to fit in work and everything around him. I get the feeling if I didn't take the initiative with things, nothing would happen. We wouldn't be living together in the same place (when he's not elsewhere), we'd never go out or on holiday, etc.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to suddenly realise how much their support has been used yet taken for granted. Any advice?

Has anyone's dh left the forces to improve family life or the work/life balance?

Something has got to give soon. Dh is away again atm, phoned last night (manages once or twice a week) and neither DC wanted to talk to him as they were engrossed in other things. He was super pissed off, but he's been away so much during their lifetime that they don't miss him that much when he's not here nowadays. (He joined up prekids, and I pretty much told him this would happen, so I don't feel he's got any right to be pissed off at me that they're happy without him here!?)

Sorry, that's a big rant! I am super grateful dh has a job, we have a place to live etc. Am trying not to whinge because I know a lot of ppl are worse off. But am mentally struggling atm. Thanks for reading.

I hope you find a way through it too OP. It's no way to live, feeling like your life is constantly on hold.

I feel like you need something, anything, that's just for you. But I get how hard it is with young kids and a partner you can't rely on for childcare, miles away from family and friends

Hopefully in a year I'll have a more positive update. I'm looking at my options, and am toying with the idea of setting up something in recruitment for remote careers targeted specifically at forces partners. There are way too many people in our situation, and bloody miserable about it.

I do think he needs to put a hell of a lot more effort in with you though. And the kids. I really don't know what the answer is though. There needs to be more practical support for forces spouses to enable emotional support from partners.

It doesn’t sound like he’s committed to your relationship. And you don’t trust him. I would separate, live wherever works best for you and the DC and makes WoH possiboe for you, and facilitate access.

My DF left a good (officer) job in the forces after 15 years when his DC were young primary age, for family reasons. He took a low paid job and DM trained. then they both worked FT. As a PP described he was institutionalised! Moody and for many years frustrated by his (many!) jobs, never earned a salary as high as he could have had he stayed in. but they didn’t regret it.

DH’s father joined the forces at a similar time and, largely due to DC being upset by school changes, his DM decided to stay in one place. She was a SAHM. His father came home when he could - often every weekend (he was in a technical role where lots of UK posts were an option). DH thinks this had a negative impact on his mum’s mental health and on him and his siblings, eg the heavy feeling of dread before their father left. His parents eventually split up when DC were teens, but this was not primarily because of the forces pressures.

As a teen I decided not to date anyone planning to join or already in the forces because I think I would hate being a forces gf/wife.

I sympathise. My DP is also in the Navy and has been deployed abroad for 7 of the last 12 months. His latest assignment a 4 hour drive away so he stays there during the week. I have 2 DC (not his) and a good career and have been clear from the start that I can't/won't move around with him. His ex-W was also ex forces and they had no DC but she wouldn't move around with him either!

It is really tough though. I think being in the Forces is a huge part of his identity and I would be concerned about him leaving that behind. That said - it takes over everything x

Thanks for all the supportive comments. I'll reply when i have a bit more time, but one really struck me @scott72. You're damn right I've resentment. I know for a fact exactly how many parties, bars, dinners, hotels (I think), sightseeing /touristy days out he goes on, as it gets plastered on FB. Meanwhile, we get a short phone call while he's walking down the street on the way to the next run ashore. I'm sure it can be stressful work, but I/DC have stress too without those perks, don't get the chance to call him when convenient to us, and I'm sure he's had other times other than 5 minutes on the way somewhere free to contact us. Such as the time he spent in a lounge on public wifi, downloading porn to his laptop for later viewing. That's taking the piss, in my opinion.

Most Navy spouses of 20 years concentrate on their own lives - setting up a permanent home, working on their own careers, having settled dcs and getting in with their lives - the stress is caused by the dh or dw coming in and out of established routines and disrupting the flow. Have you set up home where you want to be, and are you working on your own life, instead of seeing yourself as an adjunct to your dh’s?
it’s a decision. Either look at your own life and make some changes to improve it, and accept he will be in/out of the home until the very short period of time when he retires, or bite the bullet and choose to do it knowing he won’t be part of it.
What do YOU want from your life?
Dh retired after a full forces career (got blown up at the mid-point) and I’ve spent my fair share of time being miserable in the arse end of nowhere with three kids, schlepping them from school to school.
Civilian life is... not as green as you would imagine

mamaryllis yes I have, as much as possible. But not really doable when I gave up my time/labour intensive career because he wasn't helping in any way with DC or anything, I can't go out/away for myself with noone to have the kids, not there for even verbal support a lot of the time, etc etc. Yes, I know it can be the same for single parents, but that's not the point. He chose to get married and have kids. Yet doesn't fulfill the associated responsibilities to keep the relationships healthy.

It's not enough to wait around doing up the house and taking courses while he's away (for most of the year). Our family is being damaged by him being away so often, and he's proved to be not entirely trustworthy while away, so that's the problem.

And unfortunately it's not a short time until he retires. I'm not going into details because they are specific, but he could well be in for another 20 years if he chooses to be.

And we did live the civilian life before he joined up. It was good until he joined the navy. Which appeared to turn him into an arrogant, entitled arse.

How did you decide where to live? Most spouses choose to set up where they have family support/ friends - this isn’t always possible but it does help. Are you in the right place physically for getting on with your own life?
It does rather sound as though you are going through a hard time dealing with resentment and that might be clouding your ability to make a decision. As others have said, if you separate (a lot of military relationships fail) then he would have to sort out time to look after his children. Where are his parents? Are they involved with their dgcs?
If he has been in 20 years, you should be able to afford decent childcare that would enable you to take back some control. (Yes, been there - have paid for specialist care to allow me to volunteer as well as work, because that was a decision I made for myself).
Time to start fighting. What do you want?

If you had any evidence of him cheating while away that would be one thing, but the only thing you have is that he downloaded porn? That's dodgy but not the same thing. As for the social media posts of him while on shore leave, that's logical as that's the only time he's going to make posts. He's not going to record the long dreary days while on duty is he?

Although he could stand to be more considerate of you and communicate more, and be more circumspect in his social media posts. And stop the porn.

"And we did live the civilian life before he joined up." I see he joined up after your marriage. But even if he were living at home but working full time, things wouldn't be as good as when you were first married. Nor would they be as good as you are imagining they might be. And you'd still have to do most of the childcare.

Its apparent he really does like his career now, so even if you could convince him to quit he'd be resentful of you. And he is serving his country. I can understand your resentment, but at the same time I can see his viewpoint. Perhaps neither of you is the bad buy here. If you have to split up, try and do so amicably and without resentment. But really try and give it an honest go and work things out first.

scott72 no. I had confirmation from the tart herself. The porn is a separate issue.

As for the FB, I can understand posting the good stuff, of course I can. But that's especially galling because we get a five minute call while he's rushing off to his next social, maybe it averaged out last deployment at less than one call a week. Defend that, when he can spend time downloading porn on public wifi.

Being in the forces infantilises people. Everything is done for them, I’ve worked with lots of ex army and navy men who are utterly feckless at operating in the real world and feel that the world owes them a living and that they don’t need to lift a finger because “I served my country” 🙄

If he's cheated on you, that really does change things considerably. I agree that gives you right to start demanding some compromises from him - if you still want to remain married.

Windy, my husband served for 30 plus years and I loved the way of life but we didn't spend as much time apart as you and your husband.

When I was reading your thread I had the feeling that whilst you may have a problem caused by being a Military family you in actual fact have more of a husband problem. He doesn't actually sound very nice at all and your post of 08.57, the first few sentences in particular, have spoken loud and clear. I think he'd be the man he is regardless of what job he did.

You've mentioned the children and whilst I completely understand your reluctance to cause them any upset I suspect going it alone with them wouldn't cause much upset because they're used to him not being around.

One thing I do suspect from your posts though is the distinct possibility that if you do separate your husband will be one of those men who don't look back and he'll be able to go and live his life without much if any contact with the children. Is it any reason to stay with him though? No. I don't believe it is because its far better to be away from someone like that altogether rather than have you and the children live some kind of facade.

As it happens my marriage did end about 12 years after my husband had retired from the Military and set up a very successful business. He was really good at being a senior Military Officer but absolutely lousy at being the very wealthy businessman he's become and I lost all respect for him. In fact it got to the stage he was leading such a ridiculous life I was ashamed to tell people I was his wife.

You only have one life and once its over thats it, there's no re-run. You and your children deserve to have someone on board with you in every sense of the word despite his job and very sadly your husband just doesn't seem to want to be that man.

I hope you find peace of heart and mind soon.

OP, Im sorry. Until I posted I'd only read your posts till 08.57. Id no idea about what you'd written after that.

Im really sorry you're going through this.

overnightangel I was saying to my husband the other day that it's a bit of a Peter Pan existence. In many ways you are forced to be very, very mature and shoulder huge responsibility, huge. But in others you never have to grow up. It is very strange and leaving is very unsettling and quite difficult (or was for me and for many that I know / knew).

I'd like to reassure you that I and many others also don't believe that we are owed any form of a living or special treatment - whilst also recognising the "type" you have worked with who do very much believe this. That said perhaps they would also have been the sort of person who feels like the world owes them no matter what path they had taken in life. I am very proud to have served (although don't especially mention it unless within my own social circle as many people have extremely strong anti-military feelings) but it was my choice and certainly makes me no more worthy of help than anyone else.

@DeadCertain great post , thanks. Some excellent points
I suppose I’m guilty of stereotyping based on a relatively small sample size so I apologise for any offence. Agree it does seem like a very institutionalising profession

overnightangel no offence caused at all - nice to have a reasoned debate.

OP I think it is especially hard for you having had a great relationship with your husband before he joined up; it changes everyone as do certain deployments and I have known many marriages fail as the gulf becomes too great to bridge. I do hope that you can find a way of being happy again, even if that means separation.

Unless your DH is infantry most deployments or courses or training abroad or on other cities are actually am option.

That’s bullshit. Both DH & DS1 serve, DS1 is in the army, not infantry, yet he’s never at home. I honestly don’t know how marriages survive in his regiment.

Windy I feel for you, I really do. I’ve been a forces wife for 25 years, DH is in his 32nd year of service. When he gets offered more time he snaps their hand off. He’s completely institutionalised and I do worry about how he will cope when he eventually leaves.

I totally understand your frustrations about what you see on FB when your DH is away. He might be working most of the time, but you’re working all of the time, and when photos pop up of them having a lovely time doing X, Y, or Z ot feels like a huge slap in the face.

I think the fact that he’s cheated on you is making the whole thing much, much worse for you. You must be constantly on edge wondering what he’s up to. You say he won’t go for counselling but could you go on your own? Maybe talking to somebody who is completely impartial may help?

I’m so sorry you’re in such a quandary

OP - it sounds to me that (all forces issues aside) you don’t even like your dh and from your descriptions of him I can understand why.

The sort of half family life you are living sounds awful and your dh sounds like a miserable ‘partner’ if you can even say that.

Could you go back to university/college and start training while he can support you financially with an eye to the future?

If not, I think I would be looking at a split. Make it clear you have had enough of being second fiddle. He will need to offer some sort of financial support and you will need to get a job but no moving, no waiting around, you can get on with your life. It’s trite but you only get one and it sounds like you are wasting yours on a selfish and unpleasant man.

I have no experience of the forces, so take my thoughts with a pinch of salt.

This sounds less like a problem caused by having a kind, thoughtful, loving husband in the Navy; and more like problems being caused by being married to a selfish, inconsiderate, cheating arsehole, who views this family as a facilitative appendage rather than a group of humans to love and cherish.

Take the nature of his job out of the equation and you’re left with a man who has no interest in how you’re all doing (rarely calls when he has the chance), has no interest in making his wife feel loved and valued (cheated on you, doesn’t ever prioritise your needs), and thinks only of himself.

I’m not sure you can change him. I think your only focus here can be on finding a way out of this marriage. This is not the sort of partnership you’d want for your children, is it really what you want to be modelling to them?

You husband is a selfish lying cheater. It is quite understandable why you dont like him.

Ive no experiences of the forces, my childhood sweetheart joined up and there ended our relationship, but the acquaintance with husbands in the army ended up divorced soon after. Both had no qualifications and could only get a low paid jobs out of the forces. One, Her dh left the forces, couldn't get a job at all with no qualifications and no brains. He was a seriel cheat and eventually she’d had enough. She was treated appallingly by the army when her husband shacked up with his latest bit on the side and made her and their children homeless as they had a duty to house him, not her.

You need a plan.

Also when my husband is home for a few days. Easter / Christmas leave he thinks it's his time to rest and do nothing. For example if I want him to come and take the kids to school either with me or alone he thinks it's me being lazy and thinking I don't need to do as much now he's home. I just like him to be involved and the kids enjoy seeing him collect them. You can't have days off before being a parent can you. Plus he gets a full night sleep most of the time unless he's deployed training etc

Just adding my two peneth! My ex left the forces with good translatable skills and found really well paid work when we moved abroad after he left. However he found it hard to make friends initially without the bonding experience of being in the military and really missed the adrenaline and sports side. Our life became a constant roundabout of him searching for adrenaline and I just couldn't bear to try and keep up with it. He never settled into normal life and was edgy all the time, socially and recreationally. I also found out that our relationship worked much better when we barely saw eachother and that the loneliness and elation of reuniting glossed over a lot of flaws. I left him in the end for other reasons but that was a big part of it. So I'm saying don't think that all issues will be resolved if or when he leaves, it might just bring up a whole heap of new ones.

I really feel for you, and hope that it's not the case in this instance. But if he won't leave and you arn't happy it might be better to get yourself in a better financial position and then you will at least have the option to stay or go.

However he found it hard to make friends initially without the bonding experience of being in the military and really missed the adrenaline and sports side. Our life became a constant roundabout of him searching for adrenaline and I just couldn't bear to try and keep up with it. He never settled into normal life and was edgy all the time, socially and recreationally.

Resonates with me as does the being together far more - and my husband is still "in" and away a lot!!

I understand your frustration. We've been together 14 years, married for 8 and he's been in the forces about 8 years. He changed as soon as he went in. He became unrecognizable. We've already moved 4 times and I felt like I made a lot of sacrifices and it got to a point where I started to resent him, being away on 'exercises' he didnt have a choice about but mostly out getting pissed. I started to plan to leave the relationship, then while on 'exercise' he cheated with another person in the forces. We separated, I left him to it. We eventually got back together and he has changed a lot, we've had a baby now and things are great. He's trying to find a role where we can settle somewhere, if he can't we'll have to live apart. It's no wonder the marriages don't survive. I would never expect him to leave because he loves it, and it benefits us in so many other ways like housing allows us to be able to save for a house easier.

I think my point is something has to give as relationships can't really stand the stress of it. You get to a point where you feel resentful, and they don't have any respect for you. Do what makes you happy!