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Relationships

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Original poster

I've had enough of being a forces wife.

73 replies

Windytwigs · 08/09/2018 11:47

Posted in 'forces sweethearts', but that's a very quiet topic, so posting here for traffic and opinions in addition.

Have put up with a lot of crap, moves and time apart over the past 20 years, and I've had enough. Dh is happy as he's in a good position, goes away regularly to nice places, socialises etc. He doesn't really know what's going on at home with kids, house, other things. I've had to fit in work and everything around him. I get the feeling if I didn't take the initiative with things, nothing would happen. We wouldn't be living together in the same place (when he's not elsewhere), we'd never go out or on holiday, etc.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to suddenly realise how much their support has been used yet taken for granted. Any advice?

Has anyone's dh left the forces to improve family life or the work/life balance?

Something has got to give soon. Dh is away again atm, phoned last night (manages once or twice a week) and neither DC wanted to talk to him as they were engrossed in other things. He was super pissed off, but he's been away so much during their lifetime that they don't miss him that much when he's not here nowadays. (He joined up prekids, and I pretty much told him this would happen, so I don't feel he's got any right to be pissed off at me that they're happy without him here!?)

Sorry, that's a big rant! I am super grateful dh has a job, we have a place to live etc. Am trying not to whinge because I know a lot of ppl are worse off. But am mentally struggling atm. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

louise5754 · 10/09/2018 11:18

Hi can I please ask a questions. Now that there are lots of forces wives and girlfriends all in one place.

A few of you have mentioned the good points / positives.

Genuine question could some of you let me know what these are?
Past and current x

Sorry for the post hijack x

PollyFlinderz · 10/09/2018 11:24

Louise, I can't really expiate it. I just know we really enjoyed it and I was immensely proud we were a Military family.

Thecrabbypatty · 10/09/2018 11:25

Good points are good pay, subsidised housing availible, secure employment, good social, events, dinners etc (if its your kind of thing, I got on really well with some of the other wives and girlfriends and everyone was in the same boat so a sense of community) opportunities to live and work abroad. Attractive men in uniform running past your kitchen window most mornings... lol. Bad bits have been pretty well covered in this post so far I would say. Loneliness, lack of support, them claiming to be off working and slaving away but then hearing about all the fun stuff they are doing, constantly uprooting your life, having to put their career ahead of yours, laddish behaviour, institutionalism.

Thecrabbypatty · 10/09/2018 11:29

But I did like being having a partner in the military. I felt extremely proud and it turns out I really like having my own space so being apart worked well for us at the time.

louise5754 · 10/09/2018 11:58

See if all those listed above the only that apply is the secure employment x

Huskylover1 · 10/09/2018 13:07

I don't think that this charade can go on any longer, do you? It's a joke. He isn't present on a daily basis, he's away living the life of Riley, he only sqeezes in quick phone calls when he's between jollies, the kids don'y miss him, he'd rather download Porn than call you, plus he's cheated on you. What a Gem (not).

I briefly dated a forces guy, who told me that EVERY soldier cheats when they are away. All of the married ones too. Without exception, he said that they ALL visit prostitutes when away for 6 months. Hell, we were only together for 10 months, and he cheated on me too.

In your shoes, I think I'd have a little experiment. Between now and when he is next home, I'd not pick up any calls, or respond to any e-mails/texts. Stop being so available!

He calls you when he can fit you in : and there you are..."available". Just don't be. Completely withdraw. If childcare allows, I'd also join a gym (or say you have), and magically be there and therefore "miss" his calls.

Give it a year like this, and see how that affects his attention to you.

Because at the moment, he holds all of the cards and you don't even have any jokers.

In the meantime, take a look at how your finances would be if you separated. He's have to pay Child Maintenance. You would get more money to allow for his Pension.

Huskylover1 · 10/09/2018 13:10

Bad bits have been pretty well covered in this post so far I would say. Loneliness, lack of support, them claiming to be off working and slaving away but then hearing about all the fun stuff they are doing, constantly uprooting your life, having to put their career ahead of yours, laddish behaviour, institutionalism

It's all very 1950's isn't it? Man off doing the "manly things" and little Wifey at home. Maybe women in 2018 want more. I know I would.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 10/09/2018 13:17

RN wife here, and haven't RTFT, but you have my sympathies!

I was lucky enough to have support from my dad, and so I could go back to work. I worked around the 3 dc. I never moved with DH, and we lived apart at times, but I needed stability, and he always liked having someplace to come home to.

It wasn't always easy, but DH had some shore jobs between being away, so we had some years where he was home far more. He is now looking at coming out next year, which I'm sure is a daunting prospect after 25 years, but is also exciting. we have lots of ideas about what we will do, although who knows how well it will go! I am fairly independent, and I like my own company. I also found it got easier as my children got older and they are now good company too!

I hope you find a solution!

DeadCertain · 10/09/2018 13:24

Absolutely untrue. Not every soldier cheats or uses prostitutes. Plenty do unfortunately - but many, many do not.

louise5754 · 10/09/2018 13:27

Of course lots cheat but not every single one does come on. Good luck to them if they managed to find that in Afghanistan or Iraq. Posts like this do not need your input. He probably told you that after he cheated 🙄

UnderHerEye · 10/09/2018 13:55

Hello all I’m just popping in with my two pence worth!

OP I think that your ‘D’H is the problem here, not his job!

It sounds like you 2 have grown apart and are pretty incompatible now (ok that was the polite way of saying your husband sounds like a massive bellend and you would be better off without him!)

I’m going to disagree with the posters who say the negative thing about forces blokes is their laddish behaviour, that’s down to the individual blokes not the forces as such (my DH and his pals don’t act like knobs and then blame it on ‘being one of the lads’) BUT the lack of stability, the constant moves, career taking a back seat as, not having any long term friendships, I would definitely agree with as being negatives.

We are currently married unaccompanied and although I miss having DH home every night I have been able to get my career back on track and kids are stable in school, it’s a wrench not having DH home every night though.

I think relationships with the right people will work in the forces, and if you aren’t right for each other the forces lifestyle can magnify each other’s differences massively. (This isn’t necessarily a bad thing though as it may help you realise you would be better off separating etc)

Huskylover1 · 10/09/2018 13:57

Posts like this do not need your input. He probably told you that after he cheated 🙄

Actually No, he told me that at the start of our relationship. Followed up with "but I would never do that". Hmm. I was sceptical, and as it turned out, rightly so.

I would honestly hope it wasn't true, that all Forces men do this. Obviously. I am only repeating verbatim what he told me. I'm not sure why he'd make that up, to be honest.

DeadCertain · 10/09/2018 14:11

I would honestly hope it wasn't true, that all Forces men do this. Obviously. I am only repeating verbatim what he told me. I'm not sure why he'd make that up, to be honest.

I can absolutely assure you that there are a great many wonderful partners, husbands, wives etc that also serve in the forces. I have been the only female in an all - male environment many times (or one of a few) and for long periods of time too. I have seen everything that goes on (a lot of it I wish I hadn't!!); some of the single blokes and some of the married ones too behave horribly or take full advantage of the brothels often conveniently close to camps.....but then so do plenty of civilians.

louise5754 · 10/09/2018 14:37

Ok so he told you EVERY soldier cheats when they are away. All of the married ones too. Without exception, he said that they ALL visit prostitutes when away for 6 months.

So out of every single soldier out there he was the one and only good boy who would be different?

You obviously didn't believe that statistic either!!

louise5754 · 10/09/2018 14:39

Do you realise that you've basically said to everyone woman on here who's with a soldier they should expect to have been and will cheated on?

PollyFlinderz · 11/09/2018 02:44

It's all very 1950's isn't it? Man off doing the "manly things" and little Wifey at home. Maybe women in 2018 want more. I know I would

Many many people in the forces go home every evening and the most they’re ever away is a few nights per year.

Many many partners of those in the forces have their own careers.

And little wifey at home? Are you suggesting it’s only men who are in the Forces.

PollyFlinderz · 11/09/2018 02:51

I would honestly hope it wasn't true, that all Forces men do this. Obviously. I am only repeating verbatim what he told me. I'm not sure why he'd make that up, to be honest

Just listen to yourself and stop being so ridiculous.

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 06:28

So he cheated, uses porn, prioritises socialising over contacting, is a poor parent, doesn’t make any effort, and understandably you are angry and don’t trust him.

Seems that the only reasons to stay in the relationship are financial. I disagree with you that ending the relationship would necessarily be worse for the DC - they are already negatively affected by your relationship as a role model and their father’s poor parenting, and that will be compounded if you stay with him.

The money will be hard, but lots of women manage. You could choose somewhere to live that best enabled you to WoH and plug away at a job and seek to earn more.

There are also big risks to staying in the relationship. To your health and wellbeing, missed opportunities to be happier single or in a happier relationship with someone else, of the relationship ending at some future time when you may have fewer options.

Pamdoo · 11/09/2018 07:56

Lot of generalisation going on on here.

It's all very 1950's isn't it? Man off doing the "manly things" and little Wifey at home. Maybe women in 2018 want more. I know I would

Actually a lot of us have full lives, careers, friends, hobbies, businesses. A lot of us are very independent, and have learnt to adapt to doing a lot of things for ourselves. All this while having to move around, scrubbing it out and starting again everytime we have to move.

Yes some cheat, mine did, but it's a bit unfair to say they all do. Do civilian men/women not have the ability to cheat/ watch porn/go to brothels then?

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 09:45

“Not sure why he’d make that up” (that lots of men in his occupation cheat?

Perhaps because he doesn’t want to take personal responsibility for his actions? Wants to think he’s not “bad” compared to his peers?

Loopytiles · 11/09/2018 09:46

And / Or because he wanted to minimise his deeds, to put pressure on you to “get over it” and shut up?

ForestDad · 11/09/2018 12:42

Just on the career options, although not assigned to a unit which then deploys yes he has to go. But... Only some jobs have this liability. Training, planning and other "back office" types jobs do not have this. (Unless rarely if there is a frontline shortage e.g. someone breaks a leg).
Once you've been in a few years you are well past the point where you have to take continuous front line jobs.
The psychological tipping point for your husband is basically he needs to want to be at home more and prioritise this over deployments, letting RN/mates down or what he may perceive his career progression requirements are. Once he is at that point he will be able to have the conversation he needs to with his career manager.
I left the RN in the last few years as an Officer and have used the relate counselling offered during my last year (you have to give a year's notice). I'd be happy to chat via pm if you'd like.

Mamaryllis · 12/09/2018 06:48

Yeah as the lone female running all male teams on detachment, I agree that some men will avail themselves of the local facilities, and some won’t. (But they will all tell you about the next day, because weirdly they forget they are talking to an actual female who knows their wives/ girlfriends.)

Plenty of lovely blokes too. No need to stay with a cheating fuckwit. Every need to choose what you want from your life.

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