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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Couple counselling - what do we tell our 5yo?

72 replies

1BunOldie · 08/09/2018 11:36

We are starting couple counselling tomorrow. We have a babysitter for two hours. What do we tell our very inquisitive and bright 5 year old? I am veering towards “Mummy and Daddy need sometime together to learn to talk to each other more nicely” (occasionally he sees us bickering but never put full blown rows). OH “going for a lesson on talking”. OH thinks don’t drag our child into it but I know our child will want to now more about the “lesson”. Nice answers only please: we are all suffering.

OP posts:
MNsplaining · 08/09/2018 11:38

You just tell them you went shopping or something.

Reaa · 08/09/2018 11:38

Going out

Going to a meeting

fiercelikefrida · 08/09/2018 11:38

Honestly nothing, you're going out.

TurnipCake · 08/09/2018 11:39

I'd stick with a good old-fashioned, "Mummy and Daddy are going out for dinner/book club"

NannyR · 08/09/2018 11:40

Tell them that you have a doctor's appointment or a meeting at the bank or something similar.

Singlenotsingle · 08/09/2018 11:41

No need to say anything. It would only open the door to more questions. You're going shopping, aren't you?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2018 12:32

It would be ridiculous to tell a 5yo that you're going to couples counseling. You and daddy are going out. End of.

Plumsofwrath · 08/09/2018 12:33

Eh? Just say you’re going out, surely?

FissionChips · 08/09/2018 12:35

You sound like you want your young child to know, why?

Just say you’re going out shopping/meal/club etc.

Gre8scott · 08/09/2018 12:44

When I was counselling on my own I was advised to tell my 4year old I was at a meeting to help me feel happy

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 08/09/2018 12:46

No need to tell them anything why would you want them to know that? It would only lead to more questions and worry for your child. Just say you’re going shopping or going out for some grown up time they do not need to know all the adult facts.

PotteringAlong · 08/09/2018 12:47

You want to tell your 5 year old the ins and outs of your relationship?! Your DH is right, they don’t need to know anything. Tell them you’re going out! If they want o know more day for dinner / to the cinema / shopping.

Come on OP, give your head a wobble.

eve34 · 08/09/2018 12:50

Your five year old does not need to know anything. Mummy and daddy are going out together

Why would you want to drag them into it?

PouchofDouglas · 08/09/2018 12:52

Fucking he’ll OP. Are you nuts? Nothing

TryingToThinkPositively · 08/09/2018 12:59

Uhhhh, you're having a date night...? As adults do...? As loving parents do...?

Why does your 5 year old have to know anything about the counselling!?

GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 08/09/2018 13:02

Don’t tell him anything, he’s 5. He wouldn’t understand and it’s unfair to involve him.

Pommes · 08/09/2018 13:04

Good luck OP.

I've got an inquisitive 6 year old who would ask why I had so many hospital (antenatal) appointments before we broke the news after the 12 week scan, so I can empathise.

I would probably keep it vague; "Mummy and Daddy have an appointment and we thought you would prefer a babysitter, because it's to talk about boring adult stuff."

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2018 13:07

Who is baby sitting? Do you really want them to know the ins and outs of your relationship too?

You tell your 5yo you're going out to spend time with each other. Call it date night if you like. Call it the pub, if you like. You don't go into details like that with your DC. It's not fair on them. Do you tell your child about the ins and outs sex live too? Or do you just tell them the facts of life?

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 08/09/2018 13:10

Pretty unanimous then.

You sound like my mother who refused to remove her mastectomy and breast reconstruction dvds from my 6 year old's view because she thought "he might like to have the opportunity to support his grandma through her breast cancer treatment".

You don't worry a child with adult concerns. FFS.

rudehealth · 08/09/2018 13:14

You tell them absolutely nothing other than you and daddy are heading out to do some boring errands together

rudehealth · 08/09/2018 13:16

And OP I don’t mean to be harsh, but perhaps consider some parenting counselling because how very fact that you are considering involving your 5 year old in this situation is concerning

Original poster
1BunOldie · 08/09/2018 13:18

Thank you so much to the people who posted kindly and considerately. It’s a day time appoIntment - and there so no date night excuses possible. We don’t leave our child with a sitter during the day and it will arose a lot of curiosity. His teachers have told us that he is extremely bright so some of the suggestions (eg shopping) won’t cut the mustard (we take him with us shopping) but I will use one of the other suggestions. Again - thanks.

As for the nastiness and swearing (no I don’t need to wobble my head etc - do I really need that when my family is in crisis? It’s why I rarely post here - there’s always at least. one horrid answer to make pain or confusion worse.

OP posts:
ElioElioElio · 08/09/2018 13:20

Yeah just say you're going for dinner or a drink! Especially if they're the inquisitive type. It will only confuse and / or worry them. And they will tell everybody.

ElioElioElio · 08/09/2018 13:22

"His teachers have told us that he is extremely bright so some of the suggestions (eg shopping) won’t cut the mustard (we take him with us shopping)"

But surely you could say "We fancy going shopping on our own, we're looking at some things that aren't very interesting for you, like xxx"? I would suggest it's only going to arouse a lot of curiosity if you make it a big deal. Be casual and matter of fact and it won't cause any drama.

cantstandmenow · 08/09/2018 13:24

Seriously? If you want to alleviate his "suffering", tell him anything else but where you're actually going. A kid seeing his parents go out together for a few hours should be a normal, nice thing.