Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Couple counselling - what do we tell our 5yo?

72 replies

1BunOldie · 08/09/2018 11:36

We are starting couple counselling tomorrow. We have a babysitter for two hours. What do we tell our very inquisitive and bright 5 year old? I am veering towards “Mummy and Daddy need sometime together to learn to talk to each other more nicely” (occasionally he sees us bickering but never put full blown rows). OH “going for a lesson on talking”. OH thinks don’t drag our child into it but I know our child will want to now more about the “lesson”. Nice answers only please: we are all suffering.

OP posts:

7salmonswimming · 10/09/2018 22:18

Lessons on talking?

Why are you ivercomicatinf this, making it into such a big deal?

Just say you’re going out.

I’m sure your 5yo is very bright. Surely he’s not brighter than you, though ....?

7salmonswimming · 10/09/2018 22:18

Overcomplicating!

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/09/2018 22:21

Tell him you’re going shopping! Jesus, “his teachers have told us he’s extremely bright”??

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 10/09/2018 22:27

There’s a whole spate of genius children on here just lately...
There’s a thread at the moment where a 12 year old is bound for Eton, but his current school don’t want to let him go in case he’s the next Steve Jobs and they make their name off the back of him.
Total bollocks. So is someone contemplating involving their 5 year old in their marital woes because he’s so bright he’ll work it out anyway.
If things are that bad he’ll work it out whether he’s bright or not.

TwitterQueen1 · 10/09/2018 22:27

You're making an enormous mountain out of a tiny molehill.. .and I don't mean the counselling, but just going out together during the day. He'll only pick up on something if you feed him the appropriate triggers, which you seem determined to do. He's 5. All you you need do is tell him mummy and daddy go out sometimes for chats, a treat, something to do.

Leave him out of it.

YeahCorvid · 10/09/2018 22:29

I used to be a babysitter as a teenager for a couple who were going to "an evening class". You could say that.

Amaaboutthis · 10/09/2018 23:20

You’re going out, shopping / to a meeting / to meet friends. You do NOT involve a 5 year old in your private business. No way

DarklyDreamingDexter · 11/09/2018 08:02

Why on earth wold you tell a 5 year old anything if the sort? Lessons on talking indeed! He's likely to say 'But you can talk mummy!' No child needs to be introduced to the concept of couples counselling at the age of 5! You shouldn't need an excuse to go out and have a couple of hours alone once in a while, but 'shopping' should cover it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/09/2018 08:11

Do you want every child, parent, teacher, neighbour and family member to know that you are attending counselling? If so, tell your DS OP.

Starlight345 · 11/09/2018 08:13

Where are you going ? Out
But where? Somewhere just for adults. .... is coming to look after you what do you want to do when she is here?

Change the subject.

Children do not need everything explaining. Anything that lets child have any clue causes anxiety.

Also you are entitled to a private life from your children. Bright or not they don’t have a right for every question to be answered because they ask

stellabird · 11/09/2018 08:16

The fact that it's during the day is irrelevant. You just say you and Daddy are going out shopping. End of story.

lowtide · 11/09/2018 10:10

Do you literally never go anywhere without him to the point that he would find it odd and question it?

Cawfee · 11/09/2018 13:40

I’m really sorry OP but you’re being a bit strange. Is this weird over-parenting a reason you need to go to counselling? It might be worth discussing all of this thread with your counsellor because you sound as though you’ve lost sight of normality and normal boundaries. Your child is 5. He’s not a mate or a best friend or 18. You say “mummy and daddy are going for some grown up time together. We will see you when we get back” no details or anymore conversation is needed or required.

Monday55 · 11/09/2018 13:53

You're being irrational, you definitely need the counselling on that part OP.

Children don't need to know where you're 24/7. Nip this in the bud before he gets used to it.

autumnevening · 11/09/2018 15:12

I hope the couples counselling helps you both, OP.

I would echo what others have said - it's not necessary for a 5 year old to be given even a hint of where you and your OH are going. Something as simple as "mummy and daddy have decided that we're going to have some grown up time together" or "mummy and daddy have to go to some special meetings which are only for grown ups" are absolutely fine for a child of that age. Children can easily become anxious and unsettled if they suspect that their little world could be changing; best to keep things breezy and private.

Good luck

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 11/09/2018 15:22

I'm quite surprised at the all the answers saying not to mention it. Surely it would set a good example to show them you're tackling an issue and what they've seen isn't healthy for a relationship. It would surely stop them repeating that behaviour as an adult? You don't have to give anymore details other than that, bit of a reach those who think you're about to spill all the gory details on the whole thing to your kid.

Amaaboutthis · 11/09/2018 16:01

The child is 5, not 15, there’s no way that they can process that kind information and understand it.

dirtybadger · 11/09/2018 16:14

A kid asked me what the point in fingers was, today. And they're a bright kid (most are).
Just tell him whatever you think he will believe, and what you don't mind him telling everyone. Lots of good suggestions.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 11/09/2018 17:50

When I was counselling on my own I was advised to tell my 4year old I was at a meeting to help me feel happy

This is strange advice, surely this will only make a 4 year old worry that you're not happy!

Op don't tell your 5 year old anything he's way too young. 'Lessons in talking' means nothing to him he will not have a clue what that means.

Just say you're spending some time together and going for lunch.

LittleMy77 · 11/09/2018 18:01

Why can't you use we're going out for coffee / lunch / to look at furniture / wallpaper / new bathrooms etc? All dull as dishwater to his, and plausible (we use all of these on rotation for similar reasons)

chasinggarlic · 11/09/2018 18:03

How bizarre. Surely you just tell a 5yo you are going out. Irrespective of how bright his teachers say he is!

SendintheArdwolves · 11/09/2018 19:31

I think it's less about having some watertight excuse that will fool even a "bright" five year old, and much more about the way in which you say it.

Kids are far more tuned in to adult emotions than we'd like to believe - if you're tense and unconvincing it will flag will him and you'll get a load of anxious questions.

Like all lies the key is details ready in your head in case of further questions. Then only bring them out when you need them.

You: mummy and daddy have to go out for a bit.

Him: why?

You: we have an appointment with an accountant.

Him: what's a countant?

You: a person who makes sure your money is in the right places.

Him: why?

You : Just something adults do.

Him: can I come?

You: not this time

Him: why?

You : it'll be boring.

....etc. You get the idea. Just stay casual.

Flip

1 2 3