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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Couple counselling - what do we tell our 5yo?

72 replies

1BunOldie · 08/09/2018 11:36

We are starting couple counselling tomorrow. We have a babysitter for two hours. What do we tell our very inquisitive and bright 5 year old? I am veering towards “Mummy and Daddy need sometime together to learn to talk to each other more nicely” (occasionally he sees us bickering but never put full blown rows). OH “going for a lesson on talking”. OH thinks don’t drag our child into it but I know our child will want to now more about the “lesson”. Nice answers only please: we are all suffering.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 08/09/2018 13:28

Your OH is correct.

You tell your DC nothing whatsoever about the counselling. Simply that you are going out because there is some dull adult admin to deal with.

Or just that you're going shopping. You say he's a bright child, so he should get, without too much difficulty, the idea that people sometimes do things they've not done before, or at different times to before

AnnieAnoniMoose · 08/09/2018 13:30

Tell your DC that you have to go to the bank/look at new cars/discuss insurance (different excuse each time) and that children aren’t allowed to go (outside your control, unlike shopping etc).

I hope the counselling helps, but if not, don’t be scared to separate, your dc will do better in a happier environment with one parent at a time, than an unhappy one with both parents 💐

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 08/09/2018 13:32

"His teachers have told us that he is extremely bright so some of the suggestions (eg shopping) won’t cut the mustard (we take him with us shopping)"

If he believes in Father Christmas, he can cope with the 'white lie that mummy and daddy are going out on their own together to do boring adult stuff.

You might think people are being harsh but you do need to consider your boundaries if you think sharing couples counselling with your child is appropriate.

Original poster
1BunOldie · 08/09/2018 13:33

My OH is suggesting we tell him we go for lessons on talking. I agree that we can make an excuse but there will be lots of day time weekend sessions. I’m going to say that we need some time together and we are going for lunch. Please leave the nastiness out! I am a good parent and suggest that I need parenting lessons is rude. You don’t know me or my life.

OP posts:
EdWinchester · 08/09/2018 13:36

FFS, just say you're going to the pub or something.

cameltoeflappyflapflap · 08/09/2018 13:39

Tell them you're going out. You don't need to say more than that.

NonaGrey · 08/09/2018 13:39

Mummy and Daddy are going out to a meeting is all that is required.

FissionChips · 08/09/2018 13:39

“Lessons on talking”? Wtf? Isn’t that just going to lead to further questions and cause him stress?

Just say you are going out to spend time together, you don’t need to justify your actions to a 5 year old.

NonaGrey · 08/09/2018 13:40

Bear in mind that whatever you tell him will get repeated all over school to friends, teachers etc.

Orchiddingme · 08/09/2018 13:42

I think getting him used to the fact mum and dad may need some time by themselves on the weekend without him is a good idea. We go out for lunch sometimes, just me and my husband, just tell him that. Spending time just the two of you without his constant presence may be a good thing, as he gets older it will be easier too as they start to go to events and parties without you so you can catch a break.

I wouldn't tell him a thing about counselling, or lessons in learning to talk, I think that sounds quite confusing for a child, I would go with 'me and dad need to spend a bit more time together as we hardly see each other in the week, we're off to lunch and will be back at X' and then make sure you are back at that time. If he asks 'why' just say 'mums and dads often need time on their own to chat about stuff'.

Kids are curious but that doesn't mean you have to tell them everything.

dailyshite · 08/09/2018 13:44

Don't over think this - you're going out. Doesn't matter how 'bright' your son is, if he asks more questions you literally need to say 'we just needed to go somewhere, tell me all about your day'

Might be worth exploring in your couples counselling whether you have a tendency to over analyse and complicate things as a couple. I think if if you feel compelled to tell a 5 year old that you're going for 'lessons on talking' rather than anything else, it indicates that this is an issue for you as a family.

LucyFox · 08/09/2018 13:47

Can you schedule the appointments when he is at school or arrange a fun visit to a friend for him?

Sohardtochooseausername · 08/09/2018 13:49

We have been going to counselling and our DD (now 6 but was 5 when this started) is very curious about why and where we are going. We tell her the white lies ‘out to the pub’ ‘gym’ etc - we’ve also being saying that sometimes adults just need a bit of time together. She always asks but I would never say we’re having any problems. We will most likely be breaking up but we’re not going to worry her before it’s nwcessary.

cece · 08/09/2018 13:50

My parents always used to say they were going to see a man about a dog when they didn't want me to know where they were going. I say the same to my DC.

corythatwas · 08/09/2018 14:46

What's wrong with "We're going out for some mummy and daddy time"? It won't hurt him at all to learn a) that sometimes grownups need to do their own grownup things b) that you don't have to tell him absolutely everything, there are grownup things that he isn't privy to.

corythatwas · 08/09/2018 14:49

But yes, your last post (which I missed) sounds fine. We're going out for lunch. And don't let yourself be drawn into any discussions.

PotteringAlong · 08/09/2018 14:49

You can have a date day rather than a date night.

mikado1 · 08/09/2018 14:55

From a practicality pov, would it be easier to do night time sessions? Good luck with it.

BeachyUmbrella · 08/09/2018 14:59

Can you go while he's at school?

NotplumAlan · 08/09/2018 21:55

XH and I always had 8.30 am appointments when we were doing this. We told our kids we were going to the pub. Eldest asked the first time ‘is it open this early?’, we just said, yep, the one in X town is!

PouchofDouglas · 10/09/2018 18:06

Of course he’s evtreneky bright. He’s also 5. Kids are stupid. They believe shit

Oddcat · 10/09/2018 18:14

Children do not have to know everything . If he asks just say we're going out , if he keeps asking , tell him it's non of his business ( or that's for us to know and you to find out - as my dad used to say).

Hideandgo · 10/09/2018 18:19

You need at least some boundaries with your children. It would be really inappropriate to tell your 5 yr old ‘you and daddy need time to learn how to speak more nicely to each other’. They will possibly remember this and think you’ve marital problems for the rest of their childhood. For children until there is something they absolutely need to know you don’t drip feed them your marital problems.

‘Mummy and daddy like to spend time together so are going for dinner’ is sufficient. I think it’s important for kids to accept they are not invited to everything.

JacNaylor · 10/09/2018 18:27

The thing is, op, he may be the brightest 5 year old in the world but some things are none of his business. This is actually a good life lesson for him. Mummy and daddy are going out, you will be back at x time and you will be cared for by x. The rest, he just needs to trust that sometimes you have time alone and he's not entitled to a full and frank explanation. Just cheerfully reiterate the facts that he needs to know and tell him that he'll have a lovely time. Honestly, any other explanations are going to put him right in the middle of it and encourage him in asking questions about things that are none of his business. Good luck for the counselling I hope things start to improve for you.

AgentJohnson · 10/09/2018 18:27

No one is suggesting that you aren’t a good parent, it’s just that it’s strange that you and your OH never go out without him and that you ‘need’ to tell him anything other than Mummy and Daddy are going out together. His intelligence has nothing to do with anything because he’s five and five year olds don’t need to know the ins and outs of their parent’s relationship.