Always messaging, never initiation of things irl

[PurpleCurtains]

What to make of this?

The man in question messages me all the time. Always. Often starts 4 -5 conversations a day. We spent last Saturday together and it was a lovely day, but since then there has been no move on his side to do anything again in person. Yet during this time I’ve been messaged 4-5 times a day, often double messages if I don’t respond.

I suggested something yesterday and he agreed but had to pull out for a legitimate reason, but didn’t suggest anything else. I stopped responding to his messages as it bothered me (I don’t want a something that is online) which meant I got many more messages for the rest of the day/evening but still no suggestion of another catch up.

I have no idea what to make of this. What do you think?

For context it was me that suggested last Saturday too.

Could he married /have a partner? Or gay, just wanting friendship? Sounds iffy to me.

He's fucking with you and you haven't even embarked on a "real" relationship. Stop wasting your time and raise the bar.

Flakey. Forget him. Probably in other relationship/s.

Red flag if he doesn't want to meet up. He wants a pen pal, you want a relationship. It's incompatible

When men flake or cancel on me I say 'okay, I'll leave it to you to suggest a day/organise' and they rarely do, and just drift away in a cloud of their own unavailability. Flush

just drift away in a cloud of their own unavailability. DH now annoyed that I've laughed out loud at this time of the morning!

When he canceled yesterday without a ‘but I could do x’ I was so put out I didn’t reply to his next two messages then he went into overdrive with the nice statements etc.

I like that phrase I’m not looking for a pen pal.

I feel stuck now as don’t want to guilt him into spending time with me.

How then to manage the inevitable chit-chat messages?

Hahaha cloud of his own unavailability. I like that.

I also wonder if I’m in the friend zone but I sure don’t message my friends that often

Sorry to be laughing OP when you're looking for advice! Just really tickled me. AsleepAllDay thanks for that, needed it after a rough couple of days. OP, sounds iffy, but maybe just ask him where you stand? Then you know and can move on.

You're welcome @tillytop !

OP just ask him straight up if he's interested in a second date. If so, you can organise it together then

If he waffles or says something about being 'busy' then that is your answer

I said earlier in the week that our online to rl ratio was warped and he said ‘you’re probably right’, but nothing

He’s married or in a long term relationship.

Also, I’m afraid red flags everywhere re: messaging you constantly and doubling up if you don’t reply. That’s weird and wrong.

tilly laugh away!

I’m trying to think of my own now.

He’s crawling through the cesspit of his own indecision

Or

Maybe he’s damaged his thumbs from his constant messaging he can no longer drive

Refuse you think double messages are a red flag?

I do find it odd. Especially as they went:

• Are you ok?

Then 5 mins later

• ???

He’s definitely not in a relationship.

Unless there’s another pen pal or five on the go

just be careful though. Some people just like to prat others about. What was he like on your day together. Did you kiss, did he discuss his life?

He told me lots about himself but no touching at all. Who knows.

This thread is helping though

Glad the thread is helping. Usually there's at least a kiss on first date isn't there? Even if just a peck.

Those are very good ones @PurpleCurtains

Do you feel physical chemistry? Because if you don't then why even bother?

He's already taking up too much brain space I hope you are talking to others?

Give him one more chance then block him. He's just fucking with your head. Looking for attention without wanting to give anything.

Ewww he’s a but needy with the ‘??’messages if you don’t respond quickly enough in his time frame, red flag there.

I think you’ve inadvertently played the hard to get game by leaving him hanging (which is absolutely fine in these circumstances), if you’d have been all over him like a rash he’d have lost interest by now, he’s a chaser.

When I was dating I would never initiate a second date, I was a total game player in that respect because I needed to know that a potential date really wanted to see me and that meant they had to take the initiative. There were plenty of men who just wanted the attention of online chatting without putting the physical legwork in, for many different reasons I guess.

I reckon this one isn’t a keeper.

Next!

We actually knew each other first (friend of a friend) and it’s slowly moved to this over the past month or so. I think that complicates things too.

Maybe one more chance is the trick, but my gut tells me to run for the hills.

I figure if things were good, would I be posting on mn about it?

It’s actually the comments about double messages that have given me the biggest pause for thought.

Great post tsonly but I don’t understand why he’d be so needy if he’s not keen?

Next indeed. Maybe next time I’ll pretend I only have a landline to avoid this happening

I don’t understand why he’d be so needy if he’s not keen?

God knows, maybe he has a relatively empty life and is bored? It doesn’t really matter.

I think if someone’s communication style doesn’t match yours (and in that I include actual making of dates and seeing each other) then it’s not going to make you happy in the long run so why bother? Don’t wind yourself up in knots about it, just move on until you find someone you click with and you’ll save yourself a shed load of angst and bother.