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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Always messaging, never initiation of things irl

53 replies

PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 04:11

What to make of this?

The man in question messages me all the time. Always. Often starts 4 -5 conversations a day. We spent last Saturday together and it was a lovely day, but since then there has been no move on his side to do anything again in person. Yet during this time I’ve been messaged 4-5 times a day, often double messages if I don’t respond.

I suggested something yesterday and he agreed but had to pull out for a legitimate reason, but didn’t suggest anything else. I stopped responding to his messages as it bothered me (I don’t want a something that is online) which meant I got many more messages for the rest of the day/evening but still no suggestion of another catch up.

I have no idea what to make of this. What do you think?

For context it was me that suggested last Saturday too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 08:39

Great advice. This is too soon to feel this weird.

What would you advise next time I get the inevitable chit-chat message? (Probably Monday)

  • Ignore
  • Polite and distant
  • Upfront about how it's not working for me
  • Suggest a RL catch up and see what happens
OP posts:
Onedayy · 08/09/2018 08:44

If I really liked him I would say, when are we getting together next? If he doesn’t firm up a date there and then, I would leave it.

category12 · 08/09/2018 08:49

How about "I'm not really looking for a penpal, so..". But tbh the follow up messages demanding your attention if you don't respond quickly, would put me right off and I'd probably just ignore.

Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 09:05

I'm not really looking for a penpal, so...

I think I'll go with a combination of both - one more shot then this if it doesn't happen.

I am so annoyed at myself to be in this position at all, and irritated with him.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 08/09/2018 09:07

Ask him directly about a second date because he will probably drown you in words and texts if you try to hint

mumonashoestring · 08/09/2018 09:12

He's not necessarily being unfaithful to someone else - I used to know someone who did this. He was lazy, he freely admitted that messaging gave him all the thrill and ego boost of being flirted with, complimented etc. without any of the hassle of ever having to make a real effort (put on nice clothes, go somewhere, take a genuine interest in someone else instead of glancing at whatsapp when it suited him). And of course he didn't have to be honest with the women he messaged because he was never planning to put himself in a position where he had to make good on his promises, so it was easy for him to make them think they had lots in common.

Block him and move on to a functioning grown up.

Temporaryanonymity · 08/09/2018 09:23

Ha, I went on a date with someone like this. We had the BEST time and really hit it off. Then... Messages. Suggestions of meeting up but no firm plans so i just stopped responding really.

Hilariously every so often he messages me again and now I am really blunt about how it's been three years of messages and two dates and that we are due our annual date. That bit is a joke, obviously, as the second date was me bumping into him at our company HQ and realising we both work for the same large company.

In his case I suspect he is painfully shy and scared of rejection. He's a lovely guy and has never been in a long term relationship. I would just move on mentally. My guy is firmly in the friend camp and because wehave so many mutual friends and are colleagues I have no interest in telling him to jog on.

GuavaPalava · 08/09/2018 09:27

I wouldn't play any games with him, your best bet is to be honest with him but non pushy

I'd be really put off by a message asking me how I was then a swift follow up with my name and ???? , I must say

So I'd message him as normal and just say you're not looking for an online correspondence course with someone but more in the market for a proper in person relationship or at least exploring that option

And then don't engage in any flannel

tillytop · 08/09/2018 11:23

Hang on! Why doesn't he text at all on weekends? Hmm

Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 11:30

Tilly he’s away for the weekend! Unless I ought to think this is another red flag?? 🤔

temp that’s an interesting parallel.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 11:31

guava online correspondence course Grin

At least if it doesn’t work out I have the best lines Grin

OP posts:
Dieu · 08/09/2018 11:54

Hi PC. You sound lovely, and he's a fool.

Honestly, this isn't going to go anywhere. The old adage 'actions speak louder than words' could have been written for online dating. If he was keen, he would want to get a date in the diary. He would want to actually see you.
He sounds typical of many an online dater, with the 'sweet shop' mentality that can go with the territory. He is keeping you on side, and waiting for the next best thing to come along. You may be one of several irons in his fire.
Please don't play along with it, and rip that plaster off!
Good luck.

Anon90 · 08/09/2018 13:50

Could have issues and genuinely be anxious about these things. And harsh as it sounds its up to you whether to take on that sort of thing. My BF has quite bad mental health issues and its hard work. If hes doing it for the same reasons mine does this then it wont get better by you doing all the chasing.

Either block or back right off and then explain why when he asks.

Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 08/09/2018 22:35

Thanks dieu

That’s interesting anon as he does have anxiety and mh issues. But then before I knew him well I also saw he was perfectly capable of chasing women.

I think I know my answer now and will back off

OP posts:
Horseradishwrap · 08/09/2018 23:48

OP I have experience of this, it will waste your time and go no where. If a man wants to date you he will suggest dates. What you have is a penpal. Likely he has several other penpals too who all give him an ego boost.

AsleepAllDay · 09/09/2018 05:54

@PurpleCurtains I hope you rip the bandaid off and get to see him more clearly. It shouldn't be this much of a ball ache to organise a second date, he clearly cares more about his feelings (the validation of texting) than actually being courageous enough to go out there. You sound like a lovely person and deserve better

Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 09/09/2018 10:48

Thank you everyone xxx

I still haven’t heard since writing the op (not unexpected as know he’s busy) but when I do I really hope I don’t get sucked into chit chat and forget how I felt before starting this post in the first place.

Wish me luck when the inevitable message does arrive though! I like him and am a reduculous optimist so it’ll require resolve of steel ...

💪💪💪

OP posts:
tillytop · 09/09/2018 15:46

If you already know that he is capable of chasing women, then I think you already have your answer. Good Luck Smile

JungWan · 09/09/2018 15:49

Brene Browne reckons this is common for avoidants, they can log on to a relationship but they can log off it too. You're never (or rarely) right there in their bed or in their kitchen.

Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 09/09/2018 22:02

That’s really interesting jung - as in they can pick things up then put them down? That could be true for this bloke.

OP posts:
Goldilocks3Bears · 10/09/2018 00:12

@purple I think you might be dating my boyfriend 😂

Seriously, men do NOT think about this the same way. My man works different hours to me and has a family with some complicated kids. He’ll send a message, I’ll respond, then he’ll not check his phone for five hours because he is working (manual) then text me something like “hey, are you dead”.
He also had a SAHMW for many many years so all areas outside work were completely managed on his behalf .... home, kids and friends. Splitting up has literally been like leaving home for he first time for him.

Anyway, stop texting my guy and find your own flake 😂

SleepWarrior · 10/09/2018 00:38

I think I'd just be blunt:

"As nice as it is to get text messages, I'm after a more 'in person' relationship. I'm getting the feeling you're no so bothered about that as it's been me that has suggested all our dates thus far. So... are you keen or shall we call it a day? "

And if he doesn't reply suggesting a date and time then forget it!

JungWan · 10/09/2018 07:01

I've done that to a guy and he didn't respond!

At least you KNOW

LellyMcKelly · 10/09/2018 07:02

He has a partner. I went through this with someone for far too long - constant texting but only meeting once a month or so. Turned out he had a girlfriend who sometimes worked weekends. Look out for when he goes silent. I bet there’s a pattern.

Original poster
PurpleCurtains · 10/09/2018 07:34

Thanks everyone! Well I have an update of sorts.

As soon as he got back from his weekend away I received a message with lots of chit-chat. How am I? How was your weekend? etc etc.

I sat and wondered which excellent advice from this thread to take - debating the merits of using "pen pal" vs "correspondence course" - but then: he asked me if I wanted to catch up in person. I was surprised to say the least as this had not happened before.

Also it made me wonder" do men have some sort of secret sensor to predict right when you are about to walk away????

I'll go and see how it goes I suppose, but am still going to keep a close eye on things. After I said yes I heard from him about 4 more times, but was able to enjoy the banter more.

But - we'll see.

OP posts:
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