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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I overeacting?

51 replies

babygoose48 · 06/09/2018 10:47

Having a bit of a problem in my relationship at the moment.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and have a daughter from a past relationship. We have recently moved in together (he has lived with us before in our old home but this time we have moved to share the bills etc).

He works late most nights, and whenever my daughter is here (shes shared care with her dad so stays out some nights during the week) she will ask every night whether she will get to see my partner before she goes to bed. Last night it was the same story and he was due home half an hour before her bedtime.

He came home at 7, said a quick hello then went upstairs. He was gone until around 7.30 (her bedtime). I took her upstairs to get her to bed and found him laid in bed, undressed, playing on his phone.

This has happened about three times now since we moved in two months ago its like he will deliberately wait until she has gone to bed then he will come downstairs and put his tv on! It has started to really irritate me as I find it rude and lazy, but last night it did more than anger me but upset me, as we were walking up the stairs and my daughter said to me

"Why doesn't he want to spend time with us?"

I was furious, I took her to bed and apologised on his behalf and just said hes tired from work.

He came down about 5 minutes after I took her down and asked me what was wrong. I asked him the same and told him how unfair and rude it was and that it was becoming a regular occurrence. He had a go at me and said he'd had a bad day and all he wanted to do was spend some time on his own. I left him to calm down, then approached him later and asked what had happened at work. He made a scene and said that he 'didn't want to talk about it' like he'd had some kind of dramatic day and had a go at me for pestering.

As it turns out, it was just a regular day for him (he always has a bad day at work), he came and apologised an hour later.

Have I every right to be angry and confront him about this? My main issue wasn't him going to bed when he got in, it was because his behaviour is starting to impact her. He is never off work at the weekends so he doesn’t get that time with us, and barely sees her enough as it is.

Also, my partner has a tendency to display passive aggressive behaviours, so I really feel like he was trying to play the victim here (if he had had a genuinely bad day I would have left him to it), but these sort of tactics and finding excuse for his actions is a frequent thing.

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 06/09/2018 10:51

Three times in 8 weeks. I think you are being unreasonable, personally.

I think it's good you told him though so he is aware of it. As to it impacting on your child.... She is going to find out life isn't always getting what you want.

Joysmum · 06/09/2018 10:52

I like time to myself too as does my DH but you do that to fit around the needs of the child.

I’d try opening the conversation again stating you understand he needs to unwind and he’ll have every chance to after she’s gone to bed as she needs him.

If he’s not willing to participate in family life then you need to consider if your relationship is meeting your daughter’s needs and take the appropriate action.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 10:53

Have you moved into his place?.

I would reassess this whole relationship and your own future with him as this man does not want to be at all bothered with your DD. Children are indeed perceptive and you've already spoken to him about his lack of interaction with her. His responses are telling as well as disproportionate and I would not cover for him to your DD either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 10:57

Do you yourself feel you are being emotionally manipulated by him here?. If so that is a huge red flag on the relationship that you ignore or minimise at your peril. Your DD as well needs to grow up learning positive lessons on relationships and what do you want yourself to teach her about relationships?. What is she learning about relationships from this stepfather figure here?

Original poster

babygoose48 · 06/09/2018 11:00

Here I go again - You really think asking him to spend half an hour with her before her bedtime is unreasonable when he barely sees her twice a week? And as for my daughter 'getting her own way' - same principle applies, he is part of this family and I wouldn't describe her missing him and wanting to spend time with him 'getting her own way'

No I have not moved in with him, we have found a place and moved in together. She had started her next year at school yesterday as well and she was looking forward to telling him all about it.

I understand its not his child, but he wants kids of his own and I always think to myself - is this the way you are going to treat your own kids as well? or will it be one rule for one and one for another?

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 06/09/2018 11:06

You asked if you thought you were overeacting and I said yes, at this early stage, I think you are. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear. I'm sure others will agree he is being unreasonable.

Maybe he is just clueless and wasn't aware how important it was that he sees your daughter every time he is there.

You are clearly upset so a talk was warranted.

Djnoun · 06/09/2018 11:10

I think you are being unreasonable. You shouldn't be pressuring him like this at all.

SuperSuperSuper · 06/09/2018 11:15

If you want a more doting stepdad for her, you might need to look elsewhere.

magoria · 06/09/2018 11:19

If he generally interacts and is decent I don't think it is wrong for him to say a brief hello and take 30 minutes. I don't think 3 days out of 60 is a lot.

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2018 11:21

It's not like he does this every evening and we all have bad days where we don't necessarily want to engage with others when we get home. I also think you're over reacting a bit.

Storm4star · 06/09/2018 11:30

Actually the way I read it is a lot of evening's he works late and a lot of evenings the DD isn't there. In which case it isn't 3 out of 60. More like it's happening every other week when it seems like there's only one or two nights that they're both at home. He's also never there at weekends. In which case I do not think OP is over reacting.

It sounds to me like in a whole week, He may be only see's the DD for a couple of hours. If he then decides to strop off to bed that's another evening where she hasn't seen him. She was excited about school and she wanted to tell him about it. If he couldn't spare half an hour for that then I think he's a bit of an ass tbh! So no OP, I don't think you did over react.

If he can't parent your DD then I wouldn't be having any children with him. Because, as you say, he will either be the same with them or your DD will be left out.

LastOneDancing · 06/09/2018 11:37

I think I'd depends how he acts from here.

He's now aware that you don't like his deliberate avoidance of your DD - I'd hate that too - so he will either listen and makr a change, come & play for 30 minutes then have his quiet time while you bath her, or he'll continue avoiding her.

The victim/PA thing... I think a lot of people get defensive when their behaviour is called out. But as above - if he's listened to you that's what's most important.

Justwanttotravel · 06/09/2018 11:38

You're not over reacting. A child's emotional well-being should come first. In my opinion a quick hello and off to bed to play on a phone is downright rude, selfish and childish. What is he a teenager? We all have bad days, but half an hour with a child that has been waiting to see him should come before wanting time out!!

ExceptionFatale · 06/09/2018 11:44

When I was really little I didn't get to see my dad much at all during weekdays as he left 2-3 hours before I got up and was home right around bed time. So naturally I wanted to tackle him the second he walked in the door which my mom had to actively prevent me from. I got the chance to tell him about my week when we went out for father daughter activities on the weekends. If your DP is making up the time when he ISN'T working, I don't see an issue with wanting to wind down after work.

Original poster

babygoose48 · 06/09/2018 11:44

Thank you all for your opinions guys. It does seem excessively trivial, but its just a pinch of the things he has done to upset me lately.

I must point out that he does not do this when she is not here, If its just me and him, he never goes upstairs on his own, it seems to be when she is home. And then he will come out of hiding when she has gone to bed. That time when they do see each other is very limited.

He has said a few things before around her which has made her feel very left out too. Shopping in a toy store for example (I think for her birthday on this one occasion), and he'll see a really expensive gift and say "This is what MY child is going to have!" and she has picked up on it.

Setting up sky and getting a discount, and I have asked to put the kids channels on there for the original price... (its £5 extra). And he has said okay but you are paying for it... however with every other single household bill we split down the middle, and he gets arsey about that for the sake of £2.50?

It feels like he doesn't consider her as a member of the household at times.

OP posts:

Original poster

babygoose48 · 06/09/2018 11:50

Last one dancing - no I have mentioned this before. He will do it again.

I don't feel he makes the effort when he is off work either. If anything, he will make other plans to stay away from the house, or go to the pub at the weekends when she is here. I don't mind as much if he wants to go and have a pint on a Saturday night, it means me and my daughter can snuggle up on the couch with a film together and have girlie time, I don't ever stop his from seeing his mates, spending time in the pub, being out of the house on his days off etc. But when he does stuff like this my little one feels it and its something, I feel, shouldn't happen.

I can only imagine if it was the other way around and I came home and went upstairs and got in bed and waited until his child went to bed. I wouldn't dream of doing that, I'd find it really bizarre on my part.

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 06/09/2018 11:54

Very blunt question: do you think he does not like her?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2018 11:57

babygoose

re your comment:-
"He has said a few things before around her which has made her feel very left out too. Shopping in a toy store for example (I think for her birthday on this one occasion), and he'll see a really expensive gift and say "This is what MY child is going to have!" and she has picked up on it".

Red flag here

"Setting up sky and getting a discount, and I have asked to put the kids channels on there for the original price... (its £5 extra). And he has said okay but you are paying for it... however with every other single household bill we split down the middle, and he gets arsey about that for the sake of £2.50?"

Another red flag here

"It feels like he doesn't consider her as a member of the household at times".

I do not think he considers you as an equal member of this household either. If he has a child his biological son or daughter will come first to him. Any step child will be regarded as secondary and you are already seeing this attitude from him.

He will not change, this is who he is. You can only change how you react to him. I would seriously reconsider whether you want to remain with this person going forward.

Doingreat · 06/09/2018 11:59

No. Just no. You cannot continue this relationship for the sake of your dd as well any potential children the 2 of you may have. He seems a total tight arse. Both with money as well as time. He resents your dd. He is actively making her jealous with regards to the expensive toy he said his child will have one day. How dare he? Did you tackle him about that?

He probably played nice before you moved in together. Now the mask is off. This is who he is.

If you stay with him he will chip away at your dd. He will treat her very different to any dc you may have together. How will that make her feel? You need to end this relationship now before you have dc together and you're bound to this vindictive uncaring man who will treat your dd like crap.

You are UNDERREACTING.

MaryandMichael · 06/09/2018 12:00

OP, why are you making your child live with a man who is not her father?
Your expectation seems to be that he will take on a father's role. His expectation is that he won't.
Why not live with your child, and have the man as a pleasant extra, living out?

ExceptionFatale · 06/09/2018 12:02

@babygoose48 That sounds sad actually :( It sounds like your daughter wants to spend time with him? How old is she? Have they ever had the chance to develop a relationship of their own? I know if she's SUPER young it may just be a feeling of not knowing what to really talk about or do, but if she's 5+ there's no reason he can't spend some time bonding with her. Honestly I remember when I was that age sometimes my dad would take me with him while he did HIS hobbies and I loved it! Maybe this is a good opportunity to help him forge a bond with your DD.

MyDoctor · 06/09/2018 12:05

He sounds like a big baby who resents your daughter tbh. Get rid before your daughter gets more attached to him.

Shoxfordian · 06/09/2018 12:06

Following your update, you're not overreacting. He doesn't sound that bothered about your daughter and she obviously knows it. Saying he'd buy an expensive toy for his future child but not her is just nasty.

LemonBreeland · 06/09/2018 12:08

It does sound like he doesn't like her. The 50/50 with her father works well for him as he doesn't need to see her much, and he is avoiding her when she is there. I would seriously rethink this relationship.

Original poster

babygoose48 · 06/09/2018 12:13

My daughter adores him. Yes he cares and loves her, but his behaviour such as the ones I have highlighted today suggests to me that he does not see her as a full on family member.

The reason why we moved in together was because I was living with just my daughter at first when I met him. About two years down the line he started to live with us (about half the week - work and travel was an issue to do it full time). However, he started to feel like it wasn't his 'home' and struggled with everything in the house being mine. He felt like a lodger sometimes (his words). I had full control of bills and stuff as well, I can full understand from his point. We compromised in order to move on and found a place together, a little closer to his family (but not too far from my daughters and her school).

We have been together for four years. Should stuff like this still be happening?

I am at the brink of questioning our relationship (more his behaviour with me - another thread for another time). So this is just another thing that I'm starting to slowly pick up on and it is weighing on me.

OP posts:

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