Am I overeacting?

[babygoose48]

Having a bit of a problem in my relationship at the moment.

I have been with my partner for 4 years, and have a daughter from a past relationship. We have recently moved in together (he has lived with us before in our old home but this time we have moved to share the bills etc).

He works late most nights, and whenever my daughter is here (shes shared care with her dad so stays out some nights during the week) she will ask every night whether she will get to see my partner before she goes to bed. Last night it was the same story and he was due home half an hour before her bedtime.

He came home at 7, said a quick hello then went upstairs. He was gone until around 7.30 (her bedtime). I took her upstairs to get her to bed and found him laid in bed, undressed, playing on his phone.

This has happened about three times now since we moved in two months ago its like he will deliberately wait until she has gone to bed then he will come downstairs and put his tv on! It has started to really irritate me as I find it rude and lazy, but last night it did more than anger me but upset me, as we were walking up the stairs and my daughter said to me

"Why doesn't he want to spend time with us?"

I was furious, I took her to bed and apologised on his behalf and just said hes tired from work.

He came down about 5 minutes after I took her down and asked me what was wrong. I asked him the same and told him how unfair and rude it was and that it was becoming a regular occurrence. He had a go at me and said he'd had a bad day and all he wanted to do was spend some time on his own. I left him to calm down, then approached him later and asked what had happened at work. He made a scene and said that he 'didn't want to talk about it' like he'd had some kind of dramatic day and had a go at me for pestering.

As it turns out, it was just a regular day for him (he always has a bad day at work), he came and apologised an hour later.

Have I every right to be angry and confront him about this? My main issue wasn't him going to bed when he got in, it was because his behaviour is starting to impact her. He is never off work at the weekends so he doesn’t get that time with us, and barely sees her enough as it is.

Also, my partner has a tendency to display passive aggressive behaviours, so I really feel like he was trying to play the victim here (if he had had a genuinely bad day I would have left him to it), but these sort of tactics and finding excuse for his actions is a frequent thing.

His actions do not seem to show that he cares for and loves your daughter. And if he also has issues towards you, then I think perhaps the relationship has run it's course.

Looking at this from a different perspective

My DP works in a management position involving staff and general public with people in direct contact all day long and I on the other hand usually either work alone or with 2 or 3 others
DP gets in after an exhausting day of people in his face and likes to just have 10 mins unwind using that time to get changed out of his suit and shower
I make us both a drink, and give him that 10 mins space

He's never asked for this but I know from a previous work position where I had lots of people to organise all day that 10 mins of no one is bliss ,
We then have our drink and catch up with how our respective days have been - then back to family life again

Maybe your DP just needs this little bit of time out too

I'm really sorry your daughter thinks he doesn't like spending time with her, that must have been really painful for you to hear. If he wants to be part of a family then that takes effort! My husband works 12 hour shifts, has three step children as well as his own in the house and would not dream of meeting all their needs first before bedtime then relaxing...it's called being a parent!
I would really be concerned that if you have a child with this man he may treat them differently.
You and he need some serious conversations about how you want your family unit to work. And I think he needs one-to-one time with his stepdaughter too to help minimise her feelings of unwanted-ness.

If your daughter adores him, did they ever have their own relationship? I would honestly just sit him down on an evening that she isn't home and let him know your concerns. If you tell him that you're concerned DD and him aren't as close as they should be and you would love to see him take her out or do more activities with her and he responds negatively, then you'll need to protect your DD and think about having him live by himself again. For the sake of your DD, and your relationship it should be worth sitting down and talking with him though.

He moved in because he felt like a lodger? Well what did he expect was going to happen when he moved in with his partner and her daughter? Hell, I'd bring up the fact that you thought he wanted to move in together to act more like a family, less like a lodger. Families spend time together, if he doesn't want that, he needs to be honest with you.

Huge red flags waving all over the place.

Heed them now, or be back here again wishing you’d trusted your gut in the first place.

I don't think he wants to be with her, to put it quite directly, he wants to be with you but not with her and it is coming out in a million different ways.

Your dd has noticed he is avoiding her and it sounds like she expects him to be fully part of her life. Why does she have that expectation?

You are being unreasonable expecting him to have feelings and 'want' to spend time with her, when he clearly doesn't and why should he have to fake interest? He hasn't bonded with her at all, and by the looks of things has made no serious attempt to do so. It is all arms length or better still not at all when it comes to your dd.

I would seriously rethink this relationship. The cracks are just that for now, but will be widen significantly if you have future children together. I don't think this cares for your child or even likes her enough to pretend.

You need to be very honest with yourself about a future. Either you accept he doesn't want much to do with her, and dd accepts this and you continue without this expectation.
Or you call it a day and look for someone that is happy to be far more involved and hands on.

Op, he doesn't love your dd or care very much that much is clearly very obvious.
It is a narrative you are telling yourself, there is no evidence to suggest this it is the case. There is plenty of evidence pointing the other way. It will damage her if she is striving for love from him and it is not forthcoming.

This is not what you want at all. It is very unhealthy.

If you look back on this situation, what does he do to make your child feel like he is a stepfather? It sounds like he just lives with her mother. He’s actually hiding from her, or he is hiding from the parenting element. They are separate in some people’s minds.
For instance if you visited a family member who had small children, and you loved those children you still might not participate in putting them to bed, because you are not a parent.
It sounds to me that he does not want any parental burden. He sees his time to himself as more valuable than time he could devote to you or DD. This is affecting DD because she wants his acceptance. It’s hard for young children to live with another adult who just doesn’t love them like mum and Dad do.
There could be multiple reasons for his behaviour but the most likely is that it is boring and he gets no enjoyment from doing parent activities or connecting emotionally with your child. IN his mind it’s your child and your role.
Do you really want more children with a man who acts like that? No promises he would be any different with his own either!

I think it's a case of mismatched expectations.

He sees your daughter as just that. YOUR daughter. You want him to act more like a dad.

Personally, I don't expect to to act like ds dad. Saying that Dp always makes an effort and ensures that I know he has no problem with Dr coming first. He plays with him, talks to him etc. He isn't his dad but he treats him well. If dp went upstairs, for time on his own I would be ok with it. Sometimes I want time away from ds. I get in from work and sometimes want to switch off, so I get it.

But it's more about how he treats him the rest of the time. You know your Dp treats your dd poorly. You know he will treat his own child different. You know this will cause more issues.

Ugh, This is so hard :( my mind is spinning with it all.

Yes I have often thought to myself maybe it is me that I have too many expectations of him to act as a dad. But where is the line where he plays a part and where he shouldn't?

And yes in this case I know it will case more issues if we were to have children. But will that be the case for every relationship I have? Am I hoping for too much to have a wholesome family life?

I cannot change the fact that I will never be with her biological father as a family unit, do I expect too much to find someone who will take her on? Or would I be better to realise and accept that this is just the way it is?

Your original set up sounded perfectly fine for you and your dd.

He was moaning so wasn't happy.

You have adapted to take his feelings into consideration.

He needs space (some children, especially if they are not your own, can irritate even if you like them lots!) No problem with that.

Tell your dd he needs to have 'me time' whe he gets home so that she doesn't expect to see him.

Did you have a big argument with your dd in the house? You seem irritated with him and you sound like you resent him. Not a good atmosphere for your dd.

I think you are unreasonable to expect a man who is not the child's father and who has not even been a father himself yet to 'adopt' your dd as his and play that role.

I think the reality of your situation isn't matching the fantasy of all living happily ever after with this move, despite the intention being good.

Personally I could never foist a man who is not the father into my dd's life like you have done especially as it is now creating uncertainty which is not a positive atmosphere for her.

But where is the line where he plays a part and where he shouldn't?

There's no right answer to this. Is not a exact science. It's not easy.

You maybe able to have the family unit you are looking for. It may be just not with your current Dp.

I think if this doesn't resolve it will damage your child and her self esteem.

You can't force him to be interactive with her or treat her like part of thr family.

Personally I'd say nothing, watch and wait. If he continues to do it over the next month I'm afraid I think you need to end it. It's not fair to put your child in this situation.

On a side note he sounds like a total and utter diva. For that alone I'd walk. I can't be arsed with a man child who makes it all about him.

He wants nothing to do with your daughter op. Nothing. What message is that sending to her?

He only wants a relationship with you whereas he knew you come as a package. He's not her father. But he is a father figure. She will learn what behaviour is acceptable from men due her relationship with him.

Don't have a child with him please. It will never be any better than it is in the early days of moving in when your dd is still young. Can you imagine how unsupportive he will be when she's a teenager?

He's hiding away from her and opting out of family life. He doesn't even sound that nice to you.

Some blended families work wonderfully well. But there's zero chance if one person isn't committed to the other's child.

Presumably he has been giving you mixed messages, OP? I can't imagine that he hasn't expressed interest in being a stepdad figure, otherwise you wouldn't have agreed to move in together. But clearly his idea of what that would be like, and yours and your DD's, are not the same.

All I can say is it's OK to tell him that it's not working out. I had to pull the plug on a relationship that was not making me happy and my DD was heartbroken when I told her DP was moving out but she got over it pretty quickly when she saw how much happier I was.

There's nothing like living with someone to make or break a relationship, and PA behaviour is typical of someone who has little self-awareness so it's unlikely to get better. But you could try talking to him again when your DD isn't there and you aren't both tired/straight in from work. His reaction should guide you; after all, surely if he's a decent human being he will be mortified to learn that your daughter thinks he doesn't want to spend time with her?

I need a calm down time, dh needs a calm down time after work. Unless there's an emergency he gets half an hour mooching, or hiding in the toilet, or walking the dog before I expect him to join in with us. I don't completely see what your problem is.

I don't think your reacting at all. He sounds like a petty child and your daughter doesn't need that kind of male role model growing up. I think we both need to rethink our relationships (you just replied to my post)

I've just seen your 11:44, update. Chillaxing after work is okay, but that comment about the toy and specifically avoiding your dd at the weekend is really poor behaviour. I'd have to dump him as he is unkind and thoughtless. He could end up emotionally damaging your dd. I wish you'd started the thread with that.

I'm sorry but you need to leave him. He doesn't see that you and your DD come as a package; he is barely tolerating her and she knows it. You need to find someone who is kind and decent enough to see the importance of being a good step dad. You can't have this man in your family when he is excluding your DD from the family unit. I don't think you can change him, either, or get him to change it. How horrible for your daughter. Please end this horrible situation for her quickly.

Inthink the toy shop story is awful and so is the Sky thing. Inagine how he’ll be when you have a child with him - he’ll be playing favourites!

He wants nothing to do with your daughter op. Nothing. What message is that sending to her?

He only wants a relationship with you whereas he knew you come as a package.

^ This.

OP, you need to get rid of him. From all your updates it’s very apparent he sees her as an interloper, when in fact he is the interloper. If this is how he treats her now, like she’s nothing but an irritation in his day, how is he going to react when she’s actually being difficult?

She is so young so moving in he should be prepared to play a very active step-dad role. A loving, caring, helpful, respectful man is what he needs to be, not a passive-aggressive teenager, which is what he sounds like. He will only get worse. Move him out.

It's ok that he doesn't love her in the way you and her dad love her. It's not ok that he just about tolerates her. Your DD deserves better than that from the man who lives with her and her mum in a position of trust. You've made sacrifices for him in moving to a new shared place, so he can make some for you. I would be seriously reconsidering this relationship.

It really makes me so sad that anyone would be so dismissive of the feelings of a 4 year old who just wants to say hello. And then all the other stuff. At least your daughter thinks it’s both of you he doesn’t want to see rather than just her. Won’t take her long to figure it out though.

You're right @babygoose48
I think he's being childish. He should be respectful and spend some time with her, he moved in after all, so he shouldn't dismiss her because he had "a bad day" men are just big kids !!

So he started off as a lodger with sexy sleepovers. Convenient for him to get to work and have some sex at the same time. Your dd wasn't around much when he was there because he was only there half the time.

Now he's moved in full time and expects to continue on the same basis. Sexy sleepovers and chores done.

He clearly doesn't see himself as a father to your poor dd. On that basis, he will NEVER act like one.

Sorry to be harsh. You owe it to dd to kick this twat well out of both your lives.