Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nightmare situation-advice needed please!!

70 replies

vangiesmummy · 05/09/2018 23:21

I’d really appreciate some advice as I haven’t told anyone else what’s going on. In a nutshell, with my ex for about 3 yrs on and off. We loved each other but circumstances kept us apart. Split for good in October last year but he kept contacting me even though he finished it. Went on for a few months and we ended up sleeping together a few times. About a week after the last time I saw him with another woman in his car. Cut a long story short I find out he’d been with her all the time he was with me as well but I had no idea. I cut all contact with him but a few weeks later I discover I’m pregnant. I tell him and he says he’ll tell his gf what’s been going on. We decide a termination is the only option given situation. He hasn’t finished with her yet (4 weeks in) and told me the other day he’ll do it once he’s been away to celebrate her 40th at the end of the month. In the meantime I’m left at home knowing he’s with her whilst I’m struggling with the decision I’ve made. The date of the procedure will be a few days before he goes away so I’ll be on my own to deal whilst he’s away. Says he doesnt want to spoil her birthday!! Am I being unreasonable expecting him to finish with her sooner so he can support me? Sorry for long post but feel like I’m going mad with this going around my head...

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 05/09/2018 23:27

I'm sorry but he isn't going to end it with her. He is stringing you along, and after the birthday there will be another reason why he can't tell her and leave her.

Do you feel pushed into agreeing to a termination?

bookbuddy · 05/09/2018 23:27

It’s unlikely that he’ll finish with her, he’s trying to keep you sweet at the moment so you’ll comply with his wishes. Make your own decision to abort it’s your body and he’s not really that bothered about supporting you by the sounds of it. Don’t listen to words they are cheap! Sorry your going through this Flowers

CarolDanvers · 05/09/2018 23:29

He's not going to finish with her. You know it really don't you? And honestly, why would you want him to? He sounds like a twat of the highest order and he does not care one jot about you.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 05/09/2018 23:34

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to finish with her sooner so he can support me?

Not unreasonable, but naive. You're the other woman. He's not going to leave her at all.

vangiesmummy · 05/09/2018 23:40

I feel totally manipulated by him tbh. My initial instinct was to keep the baby and do it without him. He said if I did that to expect abuse off people he knows in the street, at my door, kids school etc when people know what we’ve done. It scared me. He’s also said his life will be over if it comes out and he may as well be dead. I know this sounds ridiculous as I’m writing it but my emotions are all over the place at the minute. He keeps telling me to go to his flay next time she’s there to tell her myself and make it easy on him 😔

OP posts:
inquiquotiokixul · 05/09/2018 23:40

He has absolutely no plans to leave this woman. You are not his priority. You need to be your own top priority as no one else is looking out for you.

If a termination is the right choice for you then go for it. However - there is no "we/us" in his mind and there shouldn't be in yours either. If a termination is not the right choice for you personally then be wholehearted about choosing the other path too.

Pessismistic · 05/09/2018 23:42

I seriously wouldn’t have the termination if it’s not what you want I get why he won’t spoil her birthday but he’s messed you both around for 3 years he’s chosen to keep her happy and not you there’s your answer and why would you still want him after all this anyway he’s having his cake and eating it. Why is he telling her about you now? Bit late in the day isn’t it? there won’t be any baby so it’s not like he wants to a dad or family with you sorry op I wudnt bother with him tbh he’s cheating not like you were a one off and made a mistake he kept up the pretence for long enough he’s looking after number 1 and always will. What will you have with him once you terminate?

inquiquotiokixul · 05/09/2018 23:45

Cross posted with your latest.

What a git.
His emotions, his difficulty managing his other relationships, breaking the news of his affair with you - all this is simply not your problem.

Look after yourself. If you keep the pregnancy then send him the details for child maintenance when the time comes. Otherwise have nothing to do with him.

Don't be scared by his bullying. You didn't do any sneaking - you thought he was untaken.

Pessismistic · 05/09/2018 23:45

He’s great he wants u do his dirty work why don’t u go back to own plan fuck him off he’s not family material. If his life will be over if you keep the baby sounds like he’s stringing you along and once you get rid he will do same to you.

Haireverywhere · 05/09/2018 23:45

Based on what you've said he doesn't want to be with you as a partner and will certainly not support you whatever you do as he has at least one other person on the go. Even if you out him he'll likely find someone else.

Best to seek support elsewhere.

AssassinatedBeauty · 05/09/2018 23:46

All those comments are an attempt to manipulate you and scare you into doing what he wants. Don't factor any of that into your decisions. Just what you would like to do yourself.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 23:46

I’m sorry OP but he will be no support for you at all.

Personally, in your shoes, I would go ahead with the termination and therefore have no further ties with him. But that’s just me. Life is hard enough as a single parent without the other parent being a vile scrote like this guy. I would choose not to be tied to him for the rest of my life.

vangiesmummy · 05/09/2018 23:46

We were together for three years and lived together. He’s been with her about 5 months. I don’t want to get back with him-far from it!! He’s created this situation by being a liar and should be facing his responsibilities now. Part of me wants to expose him but don’t think I’ve got the guts

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 05/09/2018 23:50

Do you already have a child?

Timeisslippingaway · 05/09/2018 23:50

Wait a minute he has blackmailed you and scared you into having a termination? Why would you need to tell anyone the baby is his? You don't! Don't let this man do this to you. It is your decision to make.

40isnew50 · 05/09/2018 23:50

He is taking the piss out of you. He won't leave her. Make your decision without him in the picture. It is your body. And if anyone is going to be abused in the street it is him for being a vile deceitful scumbag

vangiesmummy · 05/09/2018 23:52

Thanks for all the advice. It’s good to get a different perspective on things. I feel like a total fool falling for all his lies and know I need to be strong and stand up to him

OP posts:
BlueEyedBengal · 05/09/2018 23:54

He's not going to choose you I'm sorry but you know that deep down don't youSad. I am sorry you have this major choice that no woman wants to make, but take some time to block his voice out of your head and think what do you want in relation to the baby. This man will not be thinking of your feelings so choose only the choice you want. I wish you best wishes

vangiesmummy · 05/09/2018 23:55

I have two children with my ex-husband who are 12 and 10. I don’t want more children but the thought of having a termination frightens me. He put on such a sob story that I felt sorry for him and didn’t want to make things anymore difficult for him. I know I sound like a mug...

OP posts:
KIMv · 05/09/2018 23:57

Please don't get a termination for his sake- you will regret it for the rest of your life if he takes this decision away from you. Is there anyone you can go to for support if you decide to keep the baby? (friends, family)

LeftRightCentre · 05/09/2018 23:59

Don't have a termination you don't want! He's a cunt. He will never leave her.

madcatladyforever · 06/09/2018 00:01

The tosser couldn't care less about you and you are basically on your own. Ditch him forever and get on with your life Flowers

magoria · 06/09/2018 00:01

He isn't going to dump her.

You are useful for casual sex. Only 'you' fucked up his plans and fell pregnant.

Either keep the baby and do it yourself or go through with the termination.

Neither is a nice option.

Do what is best for you. He certainly doesn't have your best interests at heart.

AnoukSpirit · 06/09/2018 00:05

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He's manipulative and controlling. Otherwise known as abusive.

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 06/09/2018 00:07

OP could you speak to a counsellor about your options to try and work through your own feelings about either keeping the baby or terminating?