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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nightmare situation-advice needed please!!

70 replies

vangiesmummy · 05/09/2018 23:21

I’d really appreciate some advice as I haven’t told anyone else what’s going on. In a nutshell, with my ex for about 3 yrs on and off. We loved each other but circumstances kept us apart. Split for good in October last year but he kept contacting me even though he finished it. Went on for a few months and we ended up sleeping together a few times. About a week after the last time I saw him with another woman in his car. Cut a long story short I find out he’d been with her all the time he was with me as well but I had no idea. I cut all contact with him but a few weeks later I discover I’m pregnant. I tell him and he says he’ll tell his gf what’s been going on. We decide a termination is the only option given situation. He hasn’t finished with her yet (4 weeks in) and told me the other day he’ll do it once he’s been away to celebrate her 40th at the end of the month. In the meantime I’m left at home knowing he’s with her whilst I’m struggling with the decision I’ve made. The date of the procedure will be a few days before he goes away so I’ll be on my own to deal whilst he’s away. Says he doesnt want to spoil her birthday!! Am I being unreasonable expecting him to finish with her sooner so he can support me? Sorry for long post but feel like I’m going mad with this going around my head...

OP posts:
Original poster
vangiesmummy · 06/09/2018 00:14

I know that not keeping the baby is the best thing but I’m worried about how I’ll feel afterwards. I don’t want to be tied to him for the rest of my life either. He wouldn’t be able to support me financially (he’s in £40k debt) and he wouldn’t want anything to do with the baby. I wouldn’t want to subject my child to that kind of shit.

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 06/09/2018 00:26

Well you have some time to think on it. Your appointment isn’t until the end of the month. You may find you come to a decision yourself in that time without any interference from him (block his number) or you may decide you need a bit more time to think.

Singlenotsingle · 06/09/2018 00:43

Haven't you got any family - dm or df - to discuss this with and who might be able to support you?

hibeat · 06/09/2018 02:50

You'll have this termination alone, you'll have this child alone. He is not in the picture, He is dead meat. Now that put aside, do YOU want to have a termination ? Are YOU taking responsibility for it ?

hibeat · 06/09/2018 02:53

You said "my child", at the same time, it's all about an ex who is behaving like an ex. I think you should talk it through in depth with a counsellor.

Rebecca36 · 06/09/2018 03:31

If you want no more children, have no more children; it won't be because he wants you to have a termination but because it is best for you and your family. You will be free to move on but if you had a child, there would be ties. He is a rat and who wants to be tied to a rat?

Pity his new girlfriend, she's in for a few surprises.

RainySeptember · 06/09/2018 03:46

You broke up last October, and he got with her in May. You say that you don't want to get back with him and that you want to terminate the pregnancy so I'm not sure why you want him - or expect him - to leave her. At this point, you're the ex he shags occasionally. Why would he leave her, to be alone?

Get support from a friend for the termination and go nc with this awful person.

Bitchywaitress · 06/09/2018 03:49

He can fuck right off, it’s your body. What do you want OP??

MissedTheBoatAgain · 06/09/2018 03:53

Not unreasonable, but naive. You're the other woman. He's not going to leave her at all

Spot on.

Only OP can decide about the termination, the part time Ex should not be able to dictate.

Sounds like OP is a doormat. Only two thing ever happen to a doormat. They get trodden on until no longer able to take any more dirt. Then they get the dirt beaten out of them so those that do the trodding can start again.

Stormzyandme · 06/09/2018 04:41

I don’t want to be tied to him for the rest of my life either. He wouldn’t be able to support me financially (he’s in £40k debt) and he wouldn’t want anything to do with the baby. I wouldn’t want to subject my child to that kind of shit

He would be out of the picture. There would be no reason to involve him.

DianaT1969 · 06/09/2018 06:18

The date of the procedure will be a few days before he goes away so I’ll be on my own to deal whilst he’s away.
OP, he isn't the person you should want around to support you through this. He doesn't care about your feelings, but a friend or family member will. Confide in someone else so that you have someone with you if you feel scared about the procedure.
He is irrelevent now. He was an ex. You slept with him and he will always be an ex. Nothing more. So whether he stays with her or not shouldn't be taking up headspace.
I know it's hard, but you'll need to be independent with the whole situation.

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2018 06:23

Get some proper support from a family or friend, to discuss your options and then support you with the one you decide on.
What exactly worries you about the termination? There will be plenty of women here who will share their experiences
Wishing you lots of luck either way x

TheMythicalChicken · 06/09/2018 06:25

My initial instinct was to keep the baby and do it without him.

This is what you should do. Forget him.

Thatsfuckingshit · 06/09/2018 07:03

Can you clarify, you said he was with her for the whole time he was with you?

But they have only been together 5 months?

Do you mean he was with her, after you broke up but were still sleeping together?

He didn't say he would leave her. He said he would tell her. She may decide to stay with him.

If you don't want the termination. Don't do it. But don't keep the baby, thinking it will split them up. Because it might not. He will only be single if she decides to end it. He won't choose you. She may dump and he may come running. But you will always know, deep down, that you weren't the one he chose.

NadiaLeon · 06/09/2018 07:18

If it were me, I wouldn't want this man as the father of my child and wouldn't hesitate to terminate. This is not the right environmentor circumstances to bring a child into the world.

justpoppngby · 06/09/2018 07:33

You poor love, 💐 for you.
Please make your decision based on what you want not what he’s telling you. He’s lying and emotionally manipulating you because he doesn’t want to get found out and he’s not going to end it with her.
If termination is the choice for you then that’s fine but you also need to cut ties once and for all with him because it is never going to work. It might be hard but best in the long run. Hugs.

mouthkisses · 06/09/2018 07:34

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else, the likelihood is that he won't end the relationship with his girlfriend and he won't be of any support to you through this termination.

Have you got a bit of time to make the decision OP? If so I would maybe seek out some counselling and let the decision come from you. I imagine you will feel quite traumatised by a termination if you've been bullied into it. I also imagine coming to a measured decision by yourself about your future, your existing kids and your body will feel ok, no matter what you chose.

lightonthewater · 06/09/2018 07:37

I think you have to just put him out of your mind and decide what YOU want. His feelings are irrelevant. He isn't going to jack this other woman in, and anyway even if he did, there is no future for the two of you. He sounds like a total shit and you're better off without him. Sit down and think about your choices regarding the pregnancy. Can you cope alone? How would you feel in the future if you terminate? These decisions are yours alone, and I would cut him out of your life.

Santaclarita · 06/09/2018 08:51

Keep the baby if you want to. It's not his decision only.

And tell the other woman. She deserves to know the scumbag she is dating is a liar.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/09/2018 09:02

He isn’t going to leave her he isn’t going to tell her which is why he wants you to have a termination
Make the decision based on what is right for you and your dc.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 06/09/2018 09:35

He isn’t going to leave her he isn’t going to tell her which is why he wants you to have a termination

Correct. That way OP can't chase him later for a DNA test or seek maintenance. Guy can then deny all knowledge of the OP.

As for telling the other women I would let her find out for herself what person she is dating

subspace · 06/09/2018 09:55

Keep the baby, be a single mum.

Don't keep the baby, be a single person going through termination alone.

His threats are irrelevant. There is no reason for anybody he knows to know it's his unless he or you tell them. He doesn't want anybody to know, so the power as Rio whether people know or not is all in your hands. He's making threats but he hasn't got a single card, and you've got all the aces. Remember this, you are the one in the position of power. He's not going to commit suicide, there's no reason for him to, it's fully on him if he does and npt youth, and it's him shagging around and lying that got him into this mess.

Have a good think about if you want the termination or not. He's not a factor in your decision.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 06/09/2018 10:02

He's not a factor in your decision

If OP decides to keep the child then this guy should pay the correct maintenance.

Original poster
vangiesmummy · 06/09/2018 10:21

Thanks for all your comments. I was feeling vulnerable and alone last night and probably sounded quite pathetic. I’m not usually this weak but feel out of my depth with this. I’ve cut him far too much slack and all he’s done is abuse my consideration and compassion. He’s spun such a web of lies which is stressing him out but he’s brought it all on himself so sod him. I hope he gets all that comes to him now...
I’ve told him I don't want him to come with me to the initial clinic appointment next week. He hasn’t replied which says it all 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 06/09/2018 10:35

Don’t you think it would be more stressful for you to have him involved while you go through it OP? He doesn’t sound at all comforting or soothing.

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