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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My brother told me he’d sexually assaulted a woman (sensitive content)

55 replies

chocolateswirls · 04/09/2018 18:33

I am a fairly regular MN poster but have name changed for this thread.

My brother and I were taught nothing about sex growing up - not even the most basic talk about periods for me. I gleaned some information from magazines and books and I know my brother was looking at pornography as a teen.

I think my brother is having a bit of a mini breakdown. He was living and working abroad but is now back in the uk and is regularly talking about our childhood.

He has told me that he “didn’t take no for an answer” as a teen and he feels awful about it now. I don’t even know why I’m posting. I just feel a bit shocked myself I suppose.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 04/09/2018 18:41

So your brother is a rapist.

He was lucky he was never reported. I do not know what to advise.

My parents never talked to me and my siblings about sex either, my brother never sexually assaulted a woman (he is a cheat though)

If it was my brother I would not want him around my child as he obviously has an sadistic side to him. I would recommend he get counselling.

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/09/2018 18:44

Did he mean he was persistent or he forced? Big difference. One is totally lacking in respect and could be rape, the other IS rape.

Bodear · 04/09/2018 18:47

I don’t think you can necessarily correlate what he did with paedophilia, unless it was with some younger. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t very wrong of course. Has he given you any details about who the other party was?

Emmageddon · 04/09/2018 18:49

Oh my God. He's admitting to rape. Lots of people grow up ignorant about sex. They don't turn into rapists. He deserves to feel awful.

Bombardier25966 · 04/09/2018 18:50

my brother never sexually assaulted a woman (he is a cheat though)

That you now of. No one is a sex offender in the eyes of others until they admit to it/ get found guilty.

OP your brother cannot change what has happened, but he can get help to make sure it never happens again. Encourage him to seek mental health support, either via his GP or there may be a self referral service in your area.

Original poster
chocolateswirls · 04/09/2018 18:53

He was a child himself when it happened - I don’t understand the ‘paedophile’ comment.

I do not know the circumstances.

OP posts:
Original poster
chocolateswirls · 04/09/2018 18:53

I’m positive he wouldn’t behave in such a way again.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:58

I don’t think you will get good support here and actually this might become quite upsetting for you. A lot of people on here have been on the receiving end.

Myself included.
He can’t change the past unfortunately.
Why did he tell you? You can’t forgive him, he did nothing to you.

Has he forgiven your parents for their lack of education?

Original poster
chocolateswirls · 04/09/2018 18:59

I’m sorry it upset you

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:59

I didn’t say I was upset.

BeenThereDone · 04/09/2018 19:04

If he feels that badly about it would he hand himself into the police or at least go talk to them. Not sure what the purpose is in telling you other than to assuage his guilt.

traceyturnblatt · 04/09/2018 19:05

OP- this isn't a post that is going to go well.

I was sexually assaulted, he didn't take no for an answer. I'm sure his family (if they knew) would think that he would never do that but he could and he did.

I don't know what you want to hear but he should report himself or get help from counsellors.

It isn't a normal thing to take No for an answer regardless of your history or upbringing.

When someone says No, they bloody well mean it.

Cel982 · 04/09/2018 19:13

I'm sorry this has upset you, OP, I can only imagine how unsettling it is. Unfortunately, this is what can happen when issues like consent aren't explicitly addressed from a young age. And I don't for a moment think that he's unique, or even unusual, in having done this as an adolescent; this is what living in a rape culture means, that young men grow up with a skewed idea of what is acceptable. The fact that he's so troubled by it now is a positive thing, I think; I would encourage him to seek counselling.

My parents never talked to me and my siblings about sex either, my brother never sexually assaulted a woman (he is a cheat though)

Well, you can't possibly know if he has or not, can you?

If it was my brother I would not want him around my child as he obviously has an sadistic side to him.

This is a wild extrapolation and unlikely to be helpful to the OP.

safetyfreak · 04/09/2018 19:18

A teenage is not a child.

I do not see the point of this thread, I can see why it will upset victims of sexual assault.

safetyfreak · 04/09/2018 19:20

Cel982 is a perfect example of why this thread is unhelpful.

Oh I also advised the OP to tell her brother to seek counselling btw.

Bodear · 04/09/2018 19:32

OP I was referring to safetyfreak I think she was making an unhelpful leap to say that you should worry about your brother with kids now.
I hope you’re ok

traceyturnblatt · 04/09/2018 19:34

@Cel982 what a load of bollocks.

I know plenty of people that have grown up in households that have been less than supportive and don't sexually abuse or assault others.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 19:40

A teenage is not a child.

A 13, 14 or 15 year old is not a child?

Cel982 · 04/09/2018 19:42

No, of course not everybody who grows up without proper sex education goes on to rape Hmm

But we can either choose to believe that rapists are a small, discrete subset of perverted men who are detached from normal society, or we can recognise the reality that rape and sexual assault have become almost normalised to the extent that many, many apparently ordinary men see nothing wrong with 'pushing the boundaries' and 'refusing to take no for an answer' and so on. And the appalling statistics on rape, particularly rape in which the assailant is known to the victim, support the second view of the world. And I don't know how we fix it, but I do know that decent sex education and directly challenging the toxic masculinity we see every day must be part of the solution.

Original poster
chocolateswirls · 04/09/2018 19:45

Thanks for your posts.

Re handing himself in, it would be around twenty five years ago, I don’t think he knows the woman’s name, or anything really. And a criminal record would end his career.

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 04/09/2018 19:45

The OP doesn't know the full circumstances so doesn't know if he meant forced or coerced neither is great but she also doesn't state how old he was at the time-teenager is a broad spectrum.
OP I don't think you'll get anything from this thread I'm sorry.

Original poster
chocolateswirls · 04/09/2018 19:48

Well, I already have ... he was 14, I think. Anyway.

OP posts:
Sleephead1 · 04/09/2018 19:58

I think I would have to find out what he means did he pester someone so much they eventually had sex with him ( whuch is obviously terrible or does he mean he restrained someone and forced himself in them ? I think unfortunately some teenage boys may put a lot of pressure on their girlfriends and they have sex before they are ready because they want to keep the boyfriend ECT this is still a awful thing to do but I don't know of this is what he's saying happened or does he mean he raped someone ?

ItsABlusteryDay · 04/09/2018 20:02

It was 25 years ago, he still feels remorseful, that in itself is something.

NadiaLeon · 04/09/2018 20:12

Sorry, I don't understand.
Did you bro rape someone, and you havent contacted the police??