Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unbearable

69 replies

Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 16:33

My husband decided that he is no longer happy and has not been for years. We have been togather 10 years and married 8 months, we have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.
This is so out the blue and I feel sick with fear.
He has moved into his grandmas house, who has welcomed him in with open arms.
This has been on going 4 weeks now. He has said he is loving his new life, can see his friends when he wants, go on nights out, watch sports in peace..
Their was no signs that there was any problems and there is 100% no one else invloved.
I’ve tried everything to get him back, guilt, threats, begging, turning crazy, literally nothing works. At one point he burst into tears and said I have won and sobbed at the thought of coming back into the family.
He has said he has everything he ever wanted in life, just the wrong wife.

He has never ever expressed any problems and he said that’s his one regret that he never voiced how he was feeling, and a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders now he has gone, and has no regrets at all. He has said he is looking foreword to the future and the thought of being happy.

I’m at an absolute loss - everyone who knows us are in shock and can’t believe What’s happening.

I find it hard to believe that he has been u happy for years as he did not show any signs at all. He actively wanted to spend time with me and our children.

I am now taking a step back and hoping he will realise what he is missing - but I think of my actions the past year and I maybe have taken him for granted and didn’t give him the affection he desevered.. so why would he come back when I have been so unloving? I guess I was in a rut.
He is also encouraging me to move on and go on dates, said he wants to see me happy..

What do you think the chances of him coming back are 😫

OP posts:
GreenMeerkat · 04/09/2018 16:37

So he says he has everything he wants in life just the wrong wife, yet enjoying his 'new life' away from his children because he can see his mates and watch sport in peace??

Seems like he's bailed cause he wants an easy life away from parental responsibility to me, rather than actually not being happy with you specifically. Basically an overgrown child who needs to get a bloody grip.

What has been the arrangement with the children over the last 4 week?

Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 16:40

To start with I was letting him come round when he wanted to put them to bed. But I’m finding it hard seeing him and him declaring that ‘he doesn’t love me’ all the time. I’ve told him going foreword he can pick them up Friday and drop them home sunday.
I’m just so confused if he was so unhappy surely he would have seen his friends more, taken up extra spots, gone to the gym, it just doesn’t add up. Everyone is telling me that here is someone else, but I’m 100% sure there isn’t, he was never secretive with his phone and was always at home!xx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2018 16:45

but I’m 100% sure there isn’t
We all say this.
But this has come from somewhere and I would bet money on there being someone in the background.
Does he not work?

Make sure he has the kids 50% of the time if that's workable.
Stop begging, stop pleading, stop guilt-tripping, all this will do is drive him further away.
No-one likes and whiny, needy person around.
Show him how strong you are.
How you can manage just fine without him.

Talith · 04/09/2018 16:46

You're right to withdraw and pull the drawbridge up. No more coming indoors and yes weekends parenting are the very least he can do as their father. His decision. He probably won't come back but reality is going to bite him hard on the arse, I promise you.

workinprogressmum · 04/09/2018 16:49

Agree. He needs to take the kids so you can have "peace" and he's not just swanning in and disrupting your life when he fancies putting them to bed.

Sorry he's behaving like that!

Musti · 04/09/2018 16:49

Well that's going to change. Let him have the kids and see how easy his life is. Come to a custody agreement but don't let him just cherry pick when he wants to see them. You go out and have fun and live your life too.

Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 16:50

Yeah he works but for child care arrangements he would send me his rota, so he literally have no time to meet anyone else and his just stated a new job - I know I probs sound naive.

Yeah I have stopped with the begging etc now and feel ashamed of myself for even doing it as I always thought I was so strong.

OP posts:
Onedayy · 04/09/2018 16:51

Whether there is someone else or not, it sounds as if he has made up his mind.

Singlenotsingle · 04/09/2018 16:52

Sounds like there's an OW lurking around in the background. Personally, I'd arrange to go on holiday for a week, leave the DC with their dad and DGM (who will no doubt welcome them with open arms as well) and he'll see that he can't shake off his responsibilities so easily. I know it's probably not practical, but... Hmm

Seniorschoolmum · 04/09/2018 16:52

This happened to a close friend, married 9 years, two children, paid off mortgage, no financial problems, good jobs, au pair to help carry the load & then the husband did the same.
There didn't seem to be anyone else for 2 years. I think he may just have kept it hidden, not been able to admit he had made a mistake.
You may be right op, and that’s horrible for you. All you can do is back off, arrange life so it hurts you & dcs least and wait to see if he comes to his senses. Flowers

Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 16:59

I totally agree it sounds like his made up his mind - but I just didn’t know if it was possible to make such a life changing decision in the space of 24 hours and move out.

I might just do that and go stay with some family and try clear my head.

I just wish I had the chance to correct stuff, and he admits that he wishes he had told me sooner but it’s to late now and he can’t see me in his future.

OP posts:
Bluewidow · 04/09/2018 17:02

Why are you begging him back? Your better than that. Let him get on with what he's doing, you need to find a way of moving on.

Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 17:03

I know i really do. I am still in love with him and I guess I’m thinking of the future. We had plans and everything just seems to be in limbo, just wish I could speed time
Up to few better.
Thanks for replying everyone :)

OP posts:
Aprilshowersnowastorm · 04/09/2018 17:05

The fact he has started a new job jumped out at me.
Ow imo.

Gingerlover2 · 04/09/2018 17:07

Oooof, I really don't want to rub salt in your already open wound but I suspect if he isn't having an affair, he's possibly dabbled and got a thrill from it. The sudden change in his personality is telling.

But if there is another woman involved, and you do find out at least you'll know it wasn't you, it wasn't that he just decided to leave one day with no warning, no behaviour changes, no clues.

Now you HAVE to be hard, grey rock, don't let him swan in and out, set guidelines and see a solicitor to see where you stand.

If he can make such life changing decisions in 24 hours, so can you.

Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 17:07

I’ve said that to him as its a good career we have been waiting for him to start a while - a new set of guy mates for him to spend all his time with. The training is 10 weeks, so he is spending night away and things - so I don’t feel any of this has hit him as he is at an exciting part of his life. I’m hoping in 5 weeks time when he is in a normal routine that it hits him. And I hope in 5 weeks time I’m stronger and in a better space then I am now..

OP posts:
picklepost · 04/09/2018 17:11

Firstly i am so sorry for your distress, it's a very tough tine for you.

Looking at your timeline, you seem to have been together a long time but married very recently.

Can you tell us about that? sometimes people do freak out when they marry even after being in a relationship a long time, I've seen this happen several times.

Do you think it's a post-wedding freak out?

Crying, begging etc, although understandable, is about the worst response you can make, try to keep interactions low on emotion and all around practicalities. Respond when it suits you, not to his timeline.
Is there someone else you can confide in so you can talk through ways of managing when you have to see him?

Tbh there isn't anything you can do except try your best to cope in a dignified manner.

Be clear about your boundaries eg. text only, no calls. drop off/pick up times. who is where in the house when he visits...

Whether or not he has hooked up with someone else, you must look after yourself. I mean, we'd all like to move out for a bit to take a break from adult responsibilities but that ain't how it works in the real world.

Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 17:12

Gingerlover that’s exactly what I’m going to try to do. I just don’t know what to do right for doing wrong, I don’t want to push him further away, but deep down I know the chances of him coming back are slim to none. I guess I have to stop thinking about trying to get him back and think about what’s best for me now, just so so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 17:15

Picklepost - he said to me that he has been unhappy for years, and I said why did you marry me, and he said he thought it was the right thing to do (he was the main drive behind the wedding) and in hindsight it
Didn’t fix anything. It maybe could be a post wedding freak out, it’s just so out of character xx

OP posts:
Craker20 · 04/09/2018 17:25

A bit of projection maybe telling you to move on already? Why is he saying that so quickly?

CherryCherryCherry · 04/09/2018 17:26

By the time he realises what he's lost (if he does ) you will be stronger and might not want him back! The thrill of the chase is what men enjoy so if have begged etc he wouldn't have found that attractive sorry to say. Maybe he hasn't an ow but there possibly may be someone he's attracted to. Doesn't mean to say he will act on it but it might have made him think? Sad after getting married 8 months ago after 10 years together. Maybe a midlife crisis? Well if he wants you to look for someone else then make sure he does lots of babysitting even if yr not looking then just go out maybe a fitness class anything just so he has to look after them. He doesn't have to know what yr doing.... Or just late night grocery shopping.... and an eve to yrsrlf so YOU can watch what you want in peace. It'll get better OP please believe this. It's a temporary blip and yr in shock by the sounds of it. Sending these FlowersBrewCake don't have too much of that last one you need to stay fit for new challenges but the odd nibble ok! Smile

Gingerlover2 · 04/09/2018 17:27

I understand that you want to hang on to your marriage, it's perfectly normal and if you didn't then there would be something wrong with you. But you've done the pick me dance, and it hasn't worked so now you've got to protect yourself and your children.

His callous behaviour isn't something you'd be able to recover from quickly even if he came back tomorrow because you have now lost faith in him. He doesn't have your back nor is he your best friend.

I wish there was a magical answer to the pain and hurt you're going through but I promise you one thing, if you pick yourself up, brush yourself down and stand tall, let him know you are no longer tolerating him calling the shots, take charge, you will feel so much better, like a swan gliding along whilst underneath the water your feet are paddling furiously.

Keep coming back here for support and we will help you get through this

1Off · 04/09/2018 17:38

They all say they've been unhappy for years. It's part of the cheater's script.

He might not be having an affair, but men who leave re-write history and claim they've been unhappy for years.

Emeraldangel · 04/09/2018 17:44

Similar thing happened to me. I was certain it was nt an affair and low and behold a few weeks later discovered the OW lurking behind the scenes.

Worth ordering a copy of Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark (?!). Brilliant book for explaining what s likely going on and how they try to blame it all on you and how to protect yourself and your kids and get through this. Sending you hugs Flowers