Unbearable

[Highrise88]

My husband decided that he is no longer happy and has not been for years. We have been togather 10 years and married 8 months, we have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.
This is so out the blue and I feel sick with fear.
He has moved into his grandmas house, who has welcomed him in with open arms.
This has been on going 4 weeks now. He has said he is loving his new life, can see his friends when he wants, go on nights out, watch sports in peace..
Their was no signs that there was any problems and there is 100% no one else invloved.
I’ve tried everything to get him back, guilt, threats, begging, turning crazy, literally nothing works. At one point he burst into tears and said I have won and sobbed at the thought of coming back into the family.
He has said he has everything he ever wanted in life, just the wrong wife.

He has never ever expressed any problems and he said that’s his one regret that he never voiced how he was feeling, and a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders now he has gone, and has no regrets at all. He has said he is looking foreword to the future and the thought of being happy.

I’m at an absolute loss - everyone who knows us are in shock and can’t believe What’s happening.

I find it hard to believe that he has been u happy for years as he did not show any signs at all. He actively wanted to spend time with me and our children.

I am now taking a step back and hoping he will realise what he is missing - but I think of my actions the past year and I maybe have taken him for granted and didn’t give him the affection he desevered.. so why would he come back when I have been so unloving? I guess I was in a rut.
He is also encouraging me to move on and go on dates, said he wants to see me happy..

What do you think the chances of him coming back are 😫

Noooo.

Step away!

Immediately google chump lady and give yourself a good talking to. Please please realise that nothing you do or say will change anything. Do not do anything that will lower your already understandably low self esteem!

I’ve resisted. Don’t even know why I think saying anything will change the situation as that’s all I’ve been doing the last weeks. It’s like self torture. I wonder if me ignoring him will make him realise what his lost, or push him further and further away...

Well done.

Do what people call the 180. Ignoring him will make you feel better and won't change the outcome. He's gone and you are worth so much more.

Would you want a daughter or best friend to plead?

Yeah i do feel better for not giving into that feeling! I’ve been reading the 180 over and over again tonstay strong. I do hope he gets a relisation if what he has lost though, surely he can’t get off that easy - and I hope when he does I’ve moved on!! Xx

So sorry you're going through this OP. He's a total shit for ending it so suddenly. It's shock and a trauma.

Would you consider dating again? Even if you don't feel upto it it's good to see what's out there. Without putting any pressure on yourself, just for fun. Cos God knows you neee some. A distraction, a chance to get dressed up is always nice.

Wishing you all the best.

I wouldn't start dating yet, unless you really want to! The fact he's encouraging you to date speaks volumes to me. He's seeing someone or got his eye on someone, probably at work, and he wants to absolve his own guilt by telling himself and letting the world see youve moved on too!

At a girl. Well done OP.

Men rarely leave a woman without having another one lurking, cynical? Maybe, but I’ve seen/heard it time and time again.

If he’s just missing his single life, behaving like a juvenile with his ‘mates’ then he will soon tire of it. Sit it out OP, if it’s meant to be then he will be back, however, I’d be inclined to make it difficult for him

Could he be gay? And what was he suspended from work for?

You are doing brilliantly OP

Keep strong, OP. Think what advice you would give if it was one of us posting and you were reading.

He has been incredibly cruel in blaming you for his supposed unhappiness. The things he says just don't make sense. If he does come crawling back, please don't welcome him with open arms.

@Namechanger1404

Just because you see it often on MN does not mean it's common in real life.

I am sorry op. This must be very painful.

Do the 180. For you. Not to get him back. Getting out of the habit of contacting him will help.

Me and Dp split up for a bit at my instigation. Not texting him was so hard because I was just in the habit if doing it. After a few days it got easier.

In my situation it did make Dp realise what he was losing and he took control of a situation that was impacting us, as a couple. When i ended it, i planned on ending ot for good. In my mind it was over, as much as it hurt i thouvht it was for the vest. But the difference was we always knew we wanted to be together. I just couldn't accept how he was handling the situation and the impact on me and us.

You are worth more than the begging. You deserve to move on and get over this. Take a few steps back, for you. Not to win him back.

When I was in a similar situation, I made up mantras to repeat to myself and it helped me to accept the situation:

'He's gone now. He wanted to go. So let him go.'
And sometimes I'd add:

'I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I refuse to miss someone who doesn't care about me'.

You can use these statements or create one that resonates with you. There's research to suggest that mantras work in the way that affirmations work.

I really hope you feel better OP.

A bit more on affirmations

OP i also love these affirmations which are about self acceptance and positive statements which are about you focusing on yourself

I know 2 guys who did this. In neither case was their anyone else involved either in the leaving aspect, they were just grown up man children who didn't really like having their time dictated to or being asked to 'do stuff'. Their may be someone he had his eye on, their may not be, but it isn't unheard of for them just to prefer not being a family 24/7. The best thing OP is a live well lived, the expression you need in your head is 'f* em' and keep your head held high, do some fun stuff, look after yourself physically and sort out some practicals so he realises that actually he is going to have to 'pay' for his selfishness and he wont have all the time in the world to be down the pub etc . Revenge is a life well lived and long term I think you can do better than a coward

I know this is painful for you but you are basically torturing yourself, he will not be coming back OP, he's already gone, he's not once changed his perspective, he doesn't want it anymore, cruel yes but honest; in the nicest possible way you have to detach and stop chasing after a man that is making it perfectly clear he is no longer interested; whether he has OW I don't know, fact is he's not coming back; instead of thinking about him constantly you should be moving on, yes, this soon and utilising all your family and friends to keep you busy and moving forwards; at the moment you are coming across as desperate and he knows you are there waiting for him even though he's shat all over you; start telling him to fuck off, you will feel massively better.

What a fucking scumbag. He’s bailed on you and bailed on your kids because he can’t be arsed being a responsible adult.

OP - I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. It WILL get easier. This pain will pass. And it’s NOTHING you have done. Huge bloody hugs