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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unbearable

69 replies

Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 16:33

My husband decided that he is no longer happy and has not been for years. We have been togather 10 years and married 8 months, we have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.
This is so out the blue and I feel sick with fear.
He has moved into his grandmas house, who has welcomed him in with open arms.
This has been on going 4 weeks now. He has said he is loving his new life, can see his friends when he wants, go on nights out, watch sports in peace..
Their was no signs that there was any problems and there is 100% no one else invloved.
I’ve tried everything to get him back, guilt, threats, begging, turning crazy, literally nothing works. At one point he burst into tears and said I have won and sobbed at the thought of coming back into the family.
He has said he has everything he ever wanted in life, just the wrong wife.

He has never ever expressed any problems and he said that’s his one regret that he never voiced how he was feeling, and a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders now he has gone, and has no regrets at all. He has said he is looking foreword to the future and the thought of being happy.

I’m at an absolute loss - everyone who knows us are in shock and can’t believe What’s happening.

I find it hard to believe that he has been u happy for years as he did not show any signs at all. He actively wanted to spend time with me and our children.

I am now taking a step back and hoping he will realise what he is missing - but I think of my actions the past year and I maybe have taken him for granted and didn’t give him the affection he desevered.. so why would he come back when I have been so unloving? I guess I was in a rut.
He is also encouraging me to move on and go on dates, said he wants to see me happy..

What do you think the chances of him coming back are 😫

OP posts:

Original poster

Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 17:45

So do we think my best play here now is to act like I’m coping fine and I don’t need him? Or to try make him realise he is loosing his family (although I have tried this, 28927483 times)honestly thank you so much everyone for your help and advice!xx

OP posts:

Emeraldangel · 04/09/2018 17:49

Minimal contact purely to sort out access to children and no contact otherwise. If you beg him to come back it will only feed his ego/make him more certain he s done the right thing and can always fall back on you as a back up option.

Dig deep, keep going. You can and will get through this and one day...a way off in the future you might start to see some positives in him leaving.

Haireverywhere · 04/09/2018 17:58

So sorry OP.

It sounds like he's been thinking about this for a long time so it won't seem sudden to him (or the other woman potentially waiting in the wings).

Haireverywhere · 04/09/2018 18:00

Ps. Have you googled the cheaters script everyone talks about here? See if he is following it. Might help you get perspective?

WinterSunglasses · 04/09/2018 18:01

Sorry this has happened to you OP. Look at the chumplady.com site for help from others who've been through it.

Butterfly44 · 04/09/2018 18:06

You both need to have a frank and honest conversation, whether on your own or with a mediator, because saying he's been unhappy for a long time and no longer loves you isn't enough. It's not enough to explain the breakdown, especially if you didn't see it coming and it's a complete surprise.

The majority of people who leave suddenly already have another person in the wing or have tasted that side and want to explore it.
Others leave because they can't live as they have been and would rather be single than together and it's not such a surprise as there are already problems.

There may not be another woman that he is seeing, but something has happened to make him think this way...whether he has seen friends and their relationships, or is having a mid life crisis where he feels he hasn't done what he feels he missed out on. It maybe there is a woman or someone at work he talks to.

In any case, it's horrid. And you need to take a step back and implement rules. This is what he wants, then this is how it goes. He can't forgo being a parent, it doesn't work like that if he wants access. And there is the matter of finance for you all etc.

It's perfectly fine to grieve - that's what you are going through. Please lean in others for support and talk to them.

Original poster

Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 18:34

Thanks for your advice everyone, feeling better after reading it.

I honestly feel like sending him a copy of the cheating script, its like it was written by me!
I’m not going to, I’m going to stay strong - no contact unless about the children and your right I’m not being the easy option to come back to.

It maybe is a midlife crisis - as there was not any signs leading up, it was so sudden.
Sometimes I would get angry and say I feel we are more like room mates who have sex, but he has always reassured we are good and he loves me up until now.

We have been under a lot of pressure this year from him being made redundant then suspended from a new job - all of which I supported him through!! X

OP posts:

PeakedTooEarly · 04/09/2018 18:34

I would bet my bra strap he has an OW or the prospect of one. Men rarely leave to be on their own. He might be being discreet currently but watch this space. I'm sorry you are going through this OP. Start holding your head up and look past him to your new horizon. He no longer features but you have to start seeing it as a positive.

SandyY2K · 04/09/2018 18:37

Work on the basis that he's having an affair and follow the 180.

180

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

Original poster

Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 19:45

Sandyy2k - thank you so much for that link I must have read it 100 times!!

Emerald angel - I’ve just bought the book off amazon thank you!

I sometimes think I wish he had left for someone else - at least then I would have answers. But I guess be careful what you wish for!
I just feel with him saying his felt this way for ‘years’ makes it so final. Xx

OP posts:

MudCity · 04/09/2018 19:58

I am so sorry OP. This must be so, so painful for you. Absolutely devestating.

Please step back and take this time for yourself. Don’t put energy into him, just channel everything into you and your children and making a life for yourselves. Keep the contact with him minimal and make sure you agree his contact with your DC so he does not waltz in and out of your home as he chooses (he can go out with them but I wouldn’t let him into my home).

Make your home your space.

Has he mentioned divorce? Take charge of this OP. While there is no need to make any hasty decisions, don’t dance to his tune. Only dance to your own. Start making the decisions about what YOU want because being at the mercy of his wants and needs will not help you move forwards. Stay strong. You will get through this even though at the moment that must be hard to imagine.

for you.

NadiaLeon · 04/09/2018 20:01

Everyone is wasting their time trying to pick the relationship apart, if he has another woman, etc.
There is no point. The fact is, he has gone, and it's what to do next that counts. Calling him a bastard doesn't help anything. Look forward, not back.

BackInTheRoom · 04/09/2018 20:02

They all say they haven't been happy for years! Google image 'The Cheaters Cascade'. Basically he's rewriting history. I too think there's an OW. There was in my case, he worked with her so plenty of opportunity to meet at lunchtime... I'm so sorry OP.

BackInTheRoom · 04/09/2018 20:06

Yes I had a Runaway too. Deeply traumatising because it was so sudden without warning. I still have PTSD from what happened and the aftermath.

Craker20 · 04/09/2018 20:19

@NadiaLeon well it is a public forum and op has asked for opinions. Did anyone call him a bastard?

Craker20 · 04/09/2018 20:21

Mine was sudden too op and if it gives you any comfort, he said the same things. He said everything on that script link. I think they all think they are so unique but it's all the same cliches.

Like others have said, look after yourself. Take care and treat yourself gently, it's a big shock when it comes out of the blue.

NadiaLeon · 04/09/2018 20:24

There is an insinuation that he's not husband of the year material. And allegations of infidelity.

Original poster

Highrise88 · 04/09/2018 20:24

Thanks Craker, - did your ex ever realise the grass isn’t always greener?xx

OP posts:

Craker20 · 04/09/2018 20:27

@NadiaLeon well that's because it seems to happen all the time and they all say the same old lines. People are posting their experiences after hearing the same lines.

Craker20 · 04/09/2018 20:29

@Highrise88 It was only a few weeks ago, he's still with the co-worker he left me for.

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 04/09/2018 21:10

Best of luck to you OP.

I'd work on the basis that he's having an affair and rewriting history to justify it.

Assume he'll be in touch in a few months to say how sorry he is etc but most don't seem to come back from this place from reading the threads on here. I think you have to expect this to be the end (whether you would have liked a chance to reconcile or not).

memyselfandi1 · 05/09/2018 05:40

Op please don’t put yourself down it’s not all about him you deserve to be happy too x
I’m sorry you are in this position people can be so selfish and absorbed in themselves minimum contact don’t do begging hold your head up high things will get better it doesn’t seem like it now I know but please take care of you xx

Original poster

Highrise88 · 05/09/2018 13:20

Thanks everyone, I am feeling a lot better today all the advice really helped. What a lovely site this is :) xx

OP posts:

Haireverywhere · 05/09/2018 19:58

That's great OP, you will be fine. You deserve better.

Original poster

Highrise88 · 05/09/2018 19:58

Struggling to stay strong tonight and not message my ex telling him I still love him and really want to work on all of this. I know it’s pointless and he will tell me his feelings haven’t changed, and I’ll get angry 😫

OP posts:

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