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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sensitive issue regarding DH, weight, clothes and sensitivity (long sorry)

68 replies

User90210 · 04/09/2018 15:12

Name changed for this.

First I want to say my DH is lovely, adores me and this is not a LTB issue just before anyone trots that out. Been together 15 year, married for 5, no kids and no intention of having any.

I am, by my own admission, obese. I've lost a fair bit of weight, put some of it back on, but am losing some of that again. DH is also very overweight but losing it very very gradually.

DH still finds me attractive and our sex life is good. He does have a penchant for "sexy clothes" - i.e. dress like a deranged hooker from the 9XX channels. He's bought me several "baby doll" type outfits for me to wear as night wear. I regard these as dress up clothes - he thinks they should be usable for every day nightwear. We could easily compromise on this (me agree to wear them sometimes) except that I haven't tried any of them on (except for one which I don't mind wearing). Basically because I know half of them won't fit me. He doesnt grasp that size XXL from an internet retailer is not going to fit a size 20 woman.

The problem is, if I try them on, and they don't fit - he'll say something about my weight and make me feel a piece of crap.

I won't even try normal clothes on in front of him since he doesnt get that a size 18 from one shop will be a 22 in another and a 16 in another. It always ends up with me feeling crap.

Thing is, I used to work in the field and there is little a doctor can do other than surgery which I'm not about to go for. My issue is I tend to eat too much, exercise too little and as I said, I am dealing with it.

This came to a head last weekend when I said I was ordering myself some new nighties/pajamas and he went on about how he'd bought me a load and I didn't wear them. He threatened to throw the whole job lot out which told me he was upset.

I have options:

(a) try them on (which he'll want to see) which is will go like:
him - you need to lose weight, you're getting fatter
me - I'm not I'm losing it
Which will end up with him wanting to weigh me and he would see I am a stone heavier than he thinks I am but three stone lighter than I was four months ago! Queue a major domestic.
This is not an option.

(b) Refuse to wear any of them - which will just upset him and although some here will disagree, its something he'd like me to do and I'd like to do it for him

The straight message I'd like to give is "Although I love you dearly, you make me feel like crap when you make comments however well intentioned about my weight when I'm trying things on. This makes me not want to do it and even less dress up like a sausage in PVC"

But if I say that he'll be hurt.

I'm currently working away and may have to work the weekend which will mean not going home. Its enough of an issue that I'm seriously considering volunteering for it just to put it off. Which is mad because i'd rather be home with him just not with this hanging over me.

That sounds like a deranged ramble but I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this. I know the long term solution is lose weight and I am but I don't think I can put this off much longer. I need to lose about 11 lbs to get to the weight he thinks I am and where we could have the confrontation.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2018 15:16

Doesn't sound that lovely to me.
He sounds like he wants you to dress up like a doll and when the outfits don't fit then he makes you feel bad about it.

TatianaLarina · 04/09/2018 15:16

I’m not obese and I don’t wear baby doll crap at night because it’s uncomfortable.

If he wants to waste money sex fantasy tat that’s up to him. You’re under no obligation to wear it.

Don’t let him weigh you either.

TatianaLarina · 04/09/2018 15:18

If you bought him a mankini would he wear that to bed?

Original poster

User90210 · 04/09/2018 15:19

If I really wanted him to, yes he would wear a mankini

OP posts:

redannie118 · 04/09/2018 15:21

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Agentornika · 04/09/2018 15:22

But if I say that he'll be hurt

He doesn't mind hurting you though does he?

DorothyBastard · 04/09/2018 15:22

Bloody hell, he’ll want to weigh you? That is just so odd and controlling. I agree with the PP who said he doesn’t sound lovely at all. He sounds like a selfish and thoughtless git at best. Seems like he should be focusing on his own weight and not berating you for yours.

DillyDilly · 04/09/2018 15:22

He sounds like a complete creep.

I’d simply get the clothes he’s bought you and put them in the bin and tell him that you’ll only be wearing clothes you buy yourself,going forward. Don’t bring him shopping with you or tell him when you’re shopping online.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2018 15:23

Did you lie to him about your weight, is that it?

Either way, I don't get thr whole he wants to weigh you thing. That's appalling.

My weight has went up and down over the years and my husband has seen me sweating like a pig trying to squeeze into something. He'd never comment and if he tried to weigh me I'd knock the fucker out with the scales hitting the back of his head.

Just tell him you'd love to wear that stuff for him, but much of it is thr wrong size, shops size differently. As such, you'll wear what fits, and if it doesn't, you can't wear it.

If he tries to weigh you, I'd end it. Seriously. That's too much. It really is.

RatherBeRiding · 04/09/2018 15:25

You need to give him the straight message. You say this will hurt him - so OK you need to explain that yes you know that, but it isn't your intention. Just as if HE tells you "you're getting fatter" - that hurts YOU!

Why should you put up with hurtful remarks and frankly outrageous behaviour (making you weigh yourself - WTAF!) just so HE isn't hurt? Isn't your wish not to be hurt just as valid as his?

IMO the straight message is always the best way. How he deals with the information is up to him.

Original poster

User90210 · 04/09/2018 15:28

Thanks everyone

You're only telling me what I keep telling myself but I needed to be "told"

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 04/09/2018 15:28

I’m not sure on what planet would struggling into ‘sex’ clothes look sexy

I would try all of them privately and put the ones that fitted into a drawer and wear them

And the ones that didn’t fit into another drawer - and if he asked I would casually say ‘one or two don’t fit properly so I’m sticking with the ones that do for now’

I have never tried clothes on in front of Dh - and not because he would be critical

I’ve just never heard of it as a ‘thing’

letsdolunch321 · 04/09/2018 15:29

Order what you are comfy in, don’t tell him what you are doing.

Theworldisfullofgs · 04/09/2018 15:33

You have two clear options and potentially a third.

You be v v hurt....this is the option where he weighs you which is belittling and quite frankly infantilising.

Option 2 - you are honest with which will hurt him and does treat him like an adult.

Option 3 - talk more frankly about your desire to lose weight but be clear that you are doing it for you and he could help rather than make it more difficult.

PragmaticWench · 04/09/2018 15:33

Do not let his negative view of you fitting into certain chosen clothing, sabotage your fantastic weight loss progress. You have done amazingly in four months! You, not him. Keep going and don't let him weigh you for god sake, that is creepy and controlling.

TheGoddessFrigg · 04/09/2018 15:39

He threatened to throw the whole job lot out which told me he was upset.

Result- I would say

You are supposed to dress in 'sexy' itchy nylon at his command. And if it doesn't fit- he WEIGHS you???? This doesn't sound very 'lovely' to me. It sounds like he wants a blow up doll.

Pinkandproud · 04/09/2018 15:40

If DP said he wanted to weigh me I would tell him to Fuck Off. But then I wouldn’t want to be with someone who treated me with such disrespect anyway.

Musti · 04/09/2018 15:41

Wow well done on that weight loss!! Tell your dh to fuck the fuck off. Weighing you indeed!

TatianaLarina · 04/09/2018 15:42

yes he would wear a mankini

Every night, really? I think it would be quite sweaty and difficult to pee in.

PickAChew · 04/09/2018 15:49

Just tell him you want comfortable clothes to sleep in and you would like those clothes to actually fit you. If he's rude about your size, you can quite rightly point out the pot/kettle situation.

DownAtFraggleRock · 04/09/2018 15:51

I can't get over that he'd weigh you. He's not as lovely as you seem to think OP.

Quartz2208 · 04/09/2018 15:52

He would weigh you? He demands to know your weight and judges you

PickAChew · 04/09/2018 15:52

And tell him he can only weigh you if you get to weigh him, first.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 04/09/2018 15:55

I'm sorry but demanding to weigh you constitutes control and abuse. I've been there.
LTB it'll be the best thing you ever do.

PamsterWheel · 04/09/2018 15:55

Is he trying to humiliate you on purpose?

Do you want to have sex with a man who treats you like this?

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