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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sensitive issue regarding DH, weight, clothes and sensitivity (long sorry)

68 replies

User90210 · 04/09/2018 15:12

Name changed for this.

First I want to say my DH is lovely, adores me and this is not a LTB issue just before anyone trots that out. Been together 15 year, married for 5, no kids and no intention of having any.

I am, by my own admission, obese. I've lost a fair bit of weight, put some of it back on, but am losing some of that again. DH is also very overweight but losing it very very gradually.

DH still finds me attractive and our sex life is good. He does have a penchant for "sexy clothes" - i.e. dress like a deranged hooker from the 9XX channels. He's bought me several "baby doll" type outfits for me to wear as night wear. I regard these as dress up clothes - he thinks they should be usable for every day nightwear. We could easily compromise on this (me agree to wear them sometimes) except that I haven't tried any of them on (except for one which I don't mind wearing). Basically because I know half of them won't fit me. He doesnt grasp that size XXL from an internet retailer is not going to fit a size 20 woman.

The problem is, if I try them on, and they don't fit - he'll say something about my weight and make me feel a piece of crap.

I won't even try normal clothes on in front of him since he doesnt get that a size 18 from one shop will be a 22 in another and a 16 in another. It always ends up with me feeling crap.

Thing is, I used to work in the field and there is little a doctor can do other than surgery which I'm not about to go for. My issue is I tend to eat too much, exercise too little and as I said, I am dealing with it.

This came to a head last weekend when I said I was ordering myself some new nighties/pajamas and he went on about how he'd bought me a load and I didn't wear them. He threatened to throw the whole job lot out which told me he was upset.

I have options:

(a) try them on (which he'll want to see) which is will go like:
him - you need to lose weight, you're getting fatter
me - I'm not I'm losing it
Which will end up with him wanting to weigh me and he would see I am a stone heavier than he thinks I am but three stone lighter than I was four months ago! Queue a major domestic.
This is not an option.

(b) Refuse to wear any of them - which will just upset him and although some here will disagree, its something he'd like me to do and I'd like to do it for him

The straight message I'd like to give is "Although I love you dearly, you make me feel like crap when you make comments however well intentioned about my weight when I'm trying things on. This makes me not want to do it and even less dress up like a sausage in PVC"

But if I say that he'll be hurt.

I'm currently working away and may have to work the weekend which will mean not going home. Its enough of an issue that I'm seriously considering volunteering for it just to put it off. Which is mad because i'd rather be home with him just not with this hanging over me.

That sounds like a deranged ramble but I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this. I know the long term solution is lose weight and I am but I don't think I can put this off much longer. I need to lose about 11 lbs to get to the weight he thinks I am and where we could have the confrontation.

OP posts:

PamsterWheel · 04/09/2018 16:00

Also what? His acceptance of you as a person worthy of having a discussion is based on your weight?

This dynamic in your relationship is very very wrong. It's unacceptable. I feel awful for you.

BerriesandLeaves · 04/09/2018 16:04

Well done on losing 3 stone. That's brilliant. I only seem to manage to lose a bit over 1 stone and then get bored of dieting! How have you lost it? He should be proud of you for losing that

ItsABlusteryDay · 04/09/2018 16:15

Yeah the weighing thing is not okay.

Neither is buying you clothes that are too small for you and being upset when you won't wear them.

Would/could you buy him some jeans/a shirt in a smaller size and then when he tries them/it on say he's too fat and needs to lose weight?

LanaorAna2 · 04/09/2018 16:17

He weighs you?

MorrisZapp · 04/09/2018 16:22

This reminds me of my thinner friend at school who would implore me to try on her new outfits even when I insisted I wouldn't fit into them. I'd sometimes crack and try them on, only to get the jeans halfway up my legs, at which point she would stifle a laugh.

It's all done to show you up. Don't try on anything for the first time in front of anyone ffs. This is basic human privacy.

firsttimebabybirther · 04/09/2018 16:34

He WEIGHS you? That is not ok and I would hit my OH over the head with the scales if he ever dared to even hint about it.

Please don't let him make you feel bad about yourself OP, I'm sure he's no brad Pitt himself. You wear what YOU feel good in

dilly123 · 04/09/2018 16:43

If YOU want to lose weight then he needs to know that you can only do that if you are in the correct head space.. guilt tripping & body shaming you will only have the opposite effect!... successful long term weight loss comes from you feeling good enough about yourself that you want to improve what you see for you not for anyone else..

You should never feel pressured into wearing anything you don't feel confident & comfortable in.

StickyProblem · 04/09/2018 18:38

Weighing you is just awful and vile. Why would one adult weigh another unless they are a health professional? Judging your weight at all is horrible. But judging your weight based on how you fit into clothes from a random online store just doesn't make sense, because as you rightly say all the sizes come up differently.

If you want to dress up in stuff for him could you just buy it yourself from plus size online stores? I had to buy a 1920s outfit when I was a size 20 and although there were loads of dresses around I could tell they wouldn't fit so ordered from a plus size retailer. Order a range of sizes and return what doesn't fit. He's bought you so much of it you know what he likes...

Katescurios · 04/09/2018 18:45

The way he speaks and his wanting to weigh you isnt on but you know that.

Take an item that fits then show him by laying them on top of each other, the size difference. Do this with several.items all with the same size written on the label. Ask him if the demo.makes the sizing issues clear enough or if he wants you to find another way to explain that uses only really small words and pictures.

Original poster

User90210 · 04/09/2018 18:53

Ok. To clarify.

He doesn’t weigh me religiously but what happens is he makes a comment. I then back myself in the corner by saying I’m the same size as I was and haven’t put on weight.

The only way to prove it would be to weigh me and I can’t do that because I have! Trying to avoid any price it moment !

OP posts:

GeorgeTheHippo · 04/09/2018 18:54

I don't like the way he is going about this at all.

But there is another option - try them on while he is out. Keep any you like, refuse to wear any you don't.

erinaceus · 04/09/2018 18:59

Your post is articulate. Are you able to show the post to him? I would imagine he would tolerate the being hurt and come to understand in the long run that him having some insight into your thoughts is a better situation than the two of you being unable to communicate about this. If he can't do this, then this indicates a bigger problem IYSWIM.

Fairylea · 04/09/2018 19:00

I could not live with someone being controlling like this. When dh and I first got together he made some throw away comment about the fact I never wore anything sexy to bed (to sleep in) and I just told him basically either put up or shut up and he hasn’t mentioned it since! There’s no way I’d let someone bully me like this, your dp is just being nasty.

Well done on tackling your weight. It’s not easy to lose weight and keep it off - been there, doing that (!) but it’s very brave of you to go for it.

Namethecat · 04/09/2018 19:01

Why don't you go to a shop ( thinking maybe somewhere such as Ann Summers) and buy something you know he would find a turn on. Wear it to fulfil his fantasy and tell him to intend to wear the items he has bought you but to feel comfortable you want to carry on loosing a bit first(if that is your intention for you ) but it is for occasional use only to keep it fresh and sexy.

Whocansay · 04/09/2018 19:10

He likes to humiliate you OP. Can you see that?

In terms of the tacky nightwear, can you not simply exchange it for the right size without him knowing?

And I agree with some of the PPs - why are his feelings more important than yours? He doesn't mind upsetting you at all.

BumbleNova · 04/09/2018 19:14

Oh OP. What about your feelings? Why are does he not care about those? I can't think of anything more hurtful or humiliating than have someone treating than you like this. This is not the behaviour of someone who loves you. You need to be frank with him.

Whatsnewwithyou · 04/09/2018 19:15

This sounds awful and your weight is none of his business, really. However, and only of it's something you wanted to do, couldn't you order some of the "sexy" outfits in a larger size and wear those without mentioning that they're not the exact ones he bought?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/09/2018 19:21

He’s far from lovely. Why are you putting up with this? You know you don’t have to?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 04/09/2018 19:22

Oh and if likes the babydoll outfits so much he can fucking wear them night in, night out.

Minesalargeginplease · 04/09/2018 19:30

Tell him to wear the negligee and fuck himself. How disgusting to make you feel like that, especially while trying to get in your pants. Yuk! Tell him you'll buy your own thanks and to weigh himself, cheeky git.

smilingeyes79 · 04/09/2018 19:33

Tbh I'd let rip, lay it out straight that you know you're overweight as is he but his comments make you feel worse than you need to. He needs to know an outfit doesn't make you sexy, feeling loved and desired for you makes you sexy..... once you've torn at him and he's sulked a bit and gotten over it why not fo some online shopping together, show him some nice things you like in your size.
I'm a size 20 a v concious about myself / arse in outfits but if i cam recommend curvy kate i have found they are lovely fitting and flattering too x

Maybugger · 04/09/2018 19:39

Gawd! Is there anything sexy about scratchy nylon babydoll nighties?
He sounds pretty obnoxious to me - I guess he has no idea about how unsexy and unattractive he is so I'd be hard pressed not to tell him Op.

RabbitsAreTasty · 04/09/2018 19:43

Why do you defend and argue? He's being a twat.

Here's how it could go:

You try an item on without him present. You tell him it doesn't fit, if he wants to see you in it he needs to get something x sizes bigger. He makes comment about your weight. You roll your eyes and walk off.

Or, take him at his word. Chuck it all out. Tell him that you will buy your own sexy underwear. He is not to buy it. He will be upset. That's OK. He has to get used to the new arrangements. Stick to your guns until he gets used to the idea.

PickAChew · 04/09/2018 19:54

Yourvrcpkanation of how you get to the point of him weighing you makes him sound even worse.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 04/09/2018 19:55

He sounds horrible. Weighing you so he can prove a point? Making nasty comments when you're working on it and he's no fiddlestring himself?

I can't abide men like that. They make me clam up. I can feel my sex drive dropping just reading your posts.

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