Sensitive issue regarding DH, weight, clothes and sensitivity (long sorry)

[User90210]

Name changed for this.

First I want to say my DH is lovely, adores me and this is not a LTB issue just before anyone trots that out. Been together 15 year, married for 5, no kids and no intention of having any.

I am, by my own admission, obese. I've lost a fair bit of weight, put some of it back on, but am losing some of that again. DH is also very overweight but losing it very very gradually.

DH still finds me attractive and our sex life is good. He does have a penchant for "sexy clothes" - i.e. dress like a deranged hooker from the 9XX channels. He's bought me several "baby doll" type outfits for me to wear as night wear. I regard these as dress up clothes - he thinks they should be usable for every day nightwear. We could easily compromise on this (me agree to wear them sometimes) except that I haven't tried any of them on (except for one which I don't mind wearing). Basically because I know half of them won't fit me. He doesnt grasp that size XXL from an internet retailer is not going to fit a size 20 woman.

The problem is, if I try them on, and they don't fit - he'll say something about my weight and make me feel a piece of crap.

I won't even try normal clothes on in front of him since he doesnt get that a size 18 from one shop will be a 22 in another and a 16 in another. It always ends up with me feeling crap.

Thing is, I used to work in the field and there is little a doctor can do other than surgery which I'm not about to go for. My issue is I tend to eat too much, exercise too little and as I said, I am dealing with it.

This came to a head last weekend when I said I was ordering myself some new nighties/pajamas and he went on about how he'd bought me a load and I didn't wear them. He threatened to throw the whole job lot out which told me he was upset.

I have options:

(a) try them on (which he'll want to see) which is will go like:
him - you need to lose weight, you're getting fatter
me - I'm not I'm losing it
Which will end up with him wanting to weigh me and he would see I am a stone heavier than he thinks I am but three stone lighter than I was four months ago! Queue a major domestic.
This is not an option.

(b) Refuse to wear any of them - which will just upset him and although some here will disagree, its something he'd like me to do and I'd like to do it for him

(c) Find some way of explaining the above that will not make him feel as though I don't appreciate him or love him.

The straight message I'd like to give is "Although I love you dearly, you make me feel like crap when you make comments however well intentioned about my weight when I'm trying things on. This makes me not want to do it and even less dress up like a sausage in PVC"

But if I say that he'll be hurt.

I'm currently working away and may have to work the weekend which will mean not going home. Its enough of an issue that I'm seriously considering volunteering for it just to put it off. Which is mad because i'd rather be home with him just not with this hanging over me.

That sounds like a deranged ramble but I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this. I know the long term solution is lose weight and I am but I don't think I can put this off much longer. I need to lose about 11 lbs to get to the weight he thinks I am and where we could have the confrontation.

He's sounds gross tbh and quite controlling. Throwing a hissy because something doesn't fit you and berating you for not moulding to his one size fits all ideal. Weighing you...WEIGHING YOU!! Saying he'll throw everything out and trying to guilt trip you into wearing tarty underwear that you've had no say in buying. Honestly what a knob op but yeh he sounds lovely

I think men struggle with this. They worry when their partners put in weight, and cannot find the words, so they joke or banter about it. I don't believe it's meant to wound, they know no different.

Not saying it's right, but that's their thought process.

Eh, forcing her on to the scales to prove a point isn't banter, it's straight up cruelty, shittiness and 'got to be right no matter how much it hurts someone'.

But OP could try telling him that she finds it hurtful and wants him to stop, that she is working hard at it and the weight is gradually coming off. If he still persists, she'll know what kind of man he is.

Does your DH understand you are a person with feelings, not his dress up dolly? He doesn’t sound lovely to me. He sounds nasty.

OP that's horrific. He trys to dictate your night wear and then weighs you
Really hope this thread is a wake up call and you leave the abusive fucker

I can imagine no situation where my husband would do this or I would do it to him. It’s humiliation

Why are you with someone who makes you feel crap about yourself?

That's not love. That's abuse.

Christ OP I'd have said throw out the sodding porno nighclothes and bugger off while you're about it. But then that's probably why I'm divorced.
i have little patience for this kind of pressure from a bloke - I'm all about fleecy pyjamas and going to bed with my hair in curlers.

OK. I'm going to go a different direction. I note that he loves you, he fancies you, and there's no question that you both seem to enjoy having sex with each other. After 15 years together that's a big thumbs up from me and better than half the relationships on here.

You seem to have decided what he's going to do and say before actually hearing a lot of it. Not sure if that's based on actual conversations in the past or on your fears.

And I think the weight is hugely more of a presence in your mind than his. He is buying you sexy stuff and has his tongue hanging out at the thought of you in it, it is you who is thinking about weight.

I am another who doesn't see why you can't try stuff on without him there? I hate being observed 'setting the scene' and prefer to do a big reveal once I'm fully happy with how I look - this is hardly unusual - I agree that men simply don't get exactly how much effort any gesture towards stereotypical 'femininity' actually requires, and think you will simply drop it over your head and presto! OK he'll want to see you put it on, but he can't. Can you not say to him 'I'm excited by your excitement about this stuff, and I get that you want to see me put it on, but I won't be able to get into the mood if you watch me trying it on and I won't wear it in those circumstances - I need to do this at my own pace'?

He surely isn't so thick that he doesn't understand that some things suit people better than others? I can't wear certain types of trousers, not because I'm too fat for them, but because I have a certain body shape and wouldn't choose that particular style. That's the only thing that concerns me in this - that he picks what he likes and you get no choice??

If you have sex he just know what size you are? The way you describe it, he doesn’t have a clue you’ve gained/lost.

Can you not tell him you gained and are now losing? Why don’t you want him to know your weight?

Given that he is overweight too, what would he do if you put him on the scales and told him he needed to slim down?

I'm a size 14 and I won't try things on in front of my DH because I don't want him to see what I'll fitting clothes look like.
I'll shop on my own then show him what I buy once I find something that fits and flatters me.

If my DP tried to weigh me, the next thing weighed would be his fucking organs at the post mortem.

I am plus size. This is me, this is what you get. I dieted for years and ultimately 95% of people who diet end up heavier, so I've been stopped doing that nonsense now and am much happier for it. I'm reasonably fit, I eat healthily, my weight is pretty stable too, although weirdly I've lost some recently. But this is me, and any partner of mine has to accept me at this size, it's not a subject that is open to discussion. My size stops me from doing eff all apart from dating w*nkrs, or people who don't find me attractive. That's cool, there are a lot of men who I don't find attractive either, it works both ways.

No partner of mine would get to treat me like you're describing. If they wanted to see me in that tat and I didn't mind they could give me £XX and I will buy what works for me and try it on in privacy first. They absolutely certainly don't get to weigh me or emotionally blackmail me.

Why does his fetish for cheap flammable fabrics trump your feelings about autonomy over your own body? Why are his feelings to be protected whilst yours don't matter?

He's not lovely.

OP he sounds massively fucked up and downright nasty. No one male or female is thick enough not to realise this is cruel.

I'm not overweight but have a young baby and not at my comfortable weight my DH knows this, I would be devastated by this behaviour from someone who "loves" me. Christ I think even the most body confident person in the world would be.