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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just so sick of compromising in life.

57 replies

PawneeToday · 02/09/2018 23:25

I've been married for nearly ten years, got married quite young to an equally young chap. We've had our ups and downs but a generally happy life and have two small children. DH is a nice person and good husband with the usual niggles about making a mess etc.

I'm just really really sick of compromising with everything in my life. I don't feel like it's my own. For example, I would like a different car because I don't think ours is suitable for our needs (I use the car day in day out with the kids and he commutes by public transport) but he refuses to consider us buying a different car. It's not a cost issue or anything he just refuses to accept it needs to be changed.

I HATE our sofas and have been asking to change them for three years. DH agrees they are not the best but doesn't think they need changed, or doesn't see it as a priority. There's no way I could just pick some myself, he would go nuts.

These are just wee examples but everything in our lives is like this. I can't make decisions without checking with him. I recently let someone borrow a small appliance we don't use, and he was annoyed and said i wasn't to do it again. I was once asked if we could host a family friend overnight and I agreed without checking with him and he was absolutely furious.

I end up being indecisive in case my decisions annoy DH and I just can't make any decisions of my own. Our money is all shared (it's all earned by him) so I don't even really have 'my' money. We have plenty of money and I'm quite frugal anyway so it's not a resource issue. I would just love to have a bit more control over my own life. I think I'm passive and give in easily to avoid conflict.

Every decision has to be joint. Every single one. Is that normal? How do I establish a bit more control over my own life?

OP posts:
Hideandgo · 02/09/2018 23:28

Em, those are not joint decisions. He’s making the decisions, not you. That’s why you feel totally controlled. I couldn’t live like that. I’d be gone.

Scabetty · 02/09/2018 23:33

Do you save in to a separate account? If so, give him costings for new car, etc. Msybe with one wage he feels the pressure not to overspend. Alternatively, get a job. It can be part time minimum wage but you will feel more independent.

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/09/2018 23:34

You absolutely should be able to make decisions. I wouldn't like it if DP went ahead and bought a new sofa without talking to me first, it would be a joint decision to buy one, instigated by DP.

Original poster
PawneeToday · 02/09/2018 23:43

It's definitely not a money thing - he earns huge amounts and until recently I worked in a professional job. We have massive savings. Our current car is a high end SUV and I've asked if we could switch to a people carrier which is about £20k less than our fancy car.

I'm not sure where the line is between making decisions jointly and him controlling things. He is far more particular and fussy about things so we always go with what he wants and I agree to it for an easy life. It usually works out ok even if, given free rein, I would have made a different decision.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being moany. I just look around our house (chosen by him) and it's full of stuff he has chosen. It's all his taste because he would be really unhappy if I chose something he didn't like (he likes grey things and wood and nothing else...). We eat the meals he likes, which are very limited, because he is really fussy with food. Our children even have the names he liked best.

I think I'm a bit of a doormat! But how to change?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/09/2018 23:52

Does he accept your veto on joint decisions?

witherwings · 02/09/2018 23:55

Oh god, you have described my life. Our house and everything in it was mainly chosen by DH. I give in for an easy life too but feel resentful. If he chooses things without me then he thinks it's fine but if I do, he gets grumpy and questions my decisions.
After years, it's so hard to change things.

Scabetty · 02/09/2018 23:55

Have you discussed any of this with him? At least you would know where you stand. If after 10 years you suddenly want a say you need to tell him.

Wicket2016 · 03/09/2018 00:42

I sort of get how you feel. Not everything is DHs choice, but everything is an argument. Decorating for example, I tell him he takes the fun out of everything! I'm joking when I say it, but there is some truth in it. Sometimes I wish I could just buy something without having to run it by him. He doesn't choose my clothes or anything like that. But appliances for the house, the research he does is endless... and I just don't care enough about what sort of hoover we have, as long as it does the job! He's very loving and caring, but makes such a fuss over certain things. I have tried calling him out on it a few times, but he doesn't change. What's really annoying is when his choice turns out to be really useful! 🙄

RabbitsAreTasty · 03/09/2018 00:47

Don't give in for an easy life. It actually ruins your life.

Breaking the habit will be hard for both of you though.

PookieDo · 03/09/2018 00:58

God your DH sounds like the most dull person on Earth!
He doesn’t even seem to care that you might want any choice in anything... ever?
What is he driven by - what other people think? So a people carrier would be less prestigious than your SUV? If it’s not even based on practicalities then he does sound controlling shallow and very very dull. You also sound trapped in this existence where you could have so many things you want or need but can’t actually have them....

If it is your money too what happens when you do buy something he doesn’t like? Is it just moaning or is he horrible to you?

ferrier · 03/09/2018 01:00

I'm with you op. Fed up of even deciding together, let alone him deciding. I want my way sometimes, not another bloody compromise. I know that's unreasonable though.

ParkheadParadise · 03/09/2018 01:14

I couldn't live like that.
I don't work, DH is a high earner but I have my own money to do what I like with.
Every decision isn't joint. If I was to ask DH if a family friend could stay overnight he'd think I was weird asking.
Don't give in for an easy life.

timeisnotaline · 03/09/2018 01:32

Don’t give in for an easy life. You need to train yourself to change, but you may need therapy or similar to help. I suggest setting up general topics and making one decision a day in one topic, try this for a month? Some topic suggestions - food you eat, family dinner for everyone (and f they all hate it that’s still a good family experience) ,something for the kitchen cupboards, a photo frame with photo of your choice, a tv show or movie, a family activity. I’d tell my dh I’m doing this, and I need to feel like I’m allowed to be a person and need to be respected as a person in my relationship,again possibly with a therapist. This is if you really really think he’s a fundamentally good guy. If he’s really a controlling asshole it’s all a waste of time.

lifebegins50 · 03/09/2018 02:19

What isn't healthy is his reaction, there is ni need to be "furious" over your choices.

I would take one area and decide that you would like change, maybe its the sofas.
Raise changing them, state you are unhappy and want to change them, see what reaction you get. If he has objections but is open to persuasion you will get agreement. If he gets sngry and dismissive of your suggestions then he is controlling.

I remember being in a situation where we were choosing a family meal, dc wanted XYZ and I was happy with that, Ex wanted ABC and therefore that is what we had. It was a small example but it was the wakeup I needed.His wants dominated.

greenlanes · 03/09/2018 02:23

Sorry but he sounds very controlling. The moodiness over things and making life hard when they dont go his way is very revealing.

Pawpatrolsucks · 03/09/2018 02:53

If you want to stay in the relationship you could try marriage counseling to help you talk to him about how you feel. If that's not an option start with something small, and when he gets upset don't shout at him calmly tell him that you made this decision, you could possibly explain why. Then walk away. Pretend he is three and crying because you won't let him have icecream for breakfast. You cannot back down no matter what. If you buy a toaster and he returns it because it's wrong, you simply go and buy the original toaster. Start with something small and win the battle at all costs. Once you have your victory you continue to do the same with other small things and build up.

If you give him his way to make life easier he will learn that he can control you. My husband can be a bit like this, but I have trained it out of him. It works but you must be consistent, pick your battles. It does work but to start with he will get worse, then he will learn he can't get away with it.

Thatsfuckingshit · 03/09/2018 03:21

I walked away from my marriage for reasons like this.

Now I am sat in my own house with 4 paint samples on my wall and can't bloody pick one. Because I have never picked what colours like. Never chose how a room was decorated. I have no clue what I like.

So I get it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/09/2018 03:27

It sounds like he needs to feel in control of everything in his life- is he generally scared of change in any form?

After 20 years of marriage, I've realised that you don't sweat the small stuff, it's the bigger picture that really matters. Sadly, your DH sounds like he IS focusing on the small stuff, instead of realising that he has a great life (you, children, presumably no health issues, no money worries, etc.) and minor details like getting a new sofa aren't worth picking an argument over, they simply don't matter in the grand scheme.

Have you asked him straight out why he gets so upset when you suggest a new sofa, lend someone an appliance?

RainySeptember · 03/09/2018 05:13

Have you told him how you feel, in a calm moment, not mid-disagreement?

Sarahandduck18 · 03/09/2018 05:23

This level of controlling behaviour is domestic abuse and will soon be illegal.

If you had savings that were yours from your job buy the car you want.

Ditto the couch.

I think you should get back to work pronto too.

It’s quite clear what you have described is just the tip of the iceberg.

LadyLapsang · 03/09/2018 07:25

I think you should get some counselling. We don't always agree but in your scenario, the car decision would be mine as it was when we had to choose our last car. We struggled to decide on a new kitchen but that was down to the cost. I think it would be unwise to stay out of the workplace for long.

AgentJohnson · 03/09/2018 07:29

He’s trained you well, so well in fact you actually thought you were compromising. I think you’ve been in denial about how controlling and manipulative your H has been and how that will translate and impact your children. Independence is fought for, not bestowed and the ‘easy life’ always comes at a price and that sense of not having a say in your own life, is the price you are paying.

If you want to have a say in your life, speak up and don’t be manipulated into backing down but be prepared for a fight because he is not going to want to give up the ‘his way or no way’ status quo.

Good luck but I really don’t think he will change and the decision you’ll have to make in the end, is the quiet life worth the price you and your children will have to pay, for the privilege of living with a man so insecure that he needs to control everything and everyone.

FishesThatFly · 03/09/2018 07:36

I personally think that you should make big decisions together i.e purchasing a new car and getting sofas. But his opinion should not override yours especially in terms of the car as you are the one who uses it.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 07:41

You just described my old life .....best thing I ever did was walk away.
He's controlling you like my ex did and it took me to leave to see it as the emotional abuse it was.

Spudlet · 03/09/2018 07:44

A compromise would be him liking one sofa, you liking another, so both of you finding a third sofa that you both like. I can't see much compromise happening from what you describe, op.

You need to address this because it's a source of resentment (very naturally, I'd hate it too). Something needs to change, because you can't live like that.

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