Just so sick of compromising in life.

[PawneeToday]

I've been married for nearly ten years, got married quite young to an equally young chap. We've had our ups and downs but a generally happy life and have two small children. DH is a nice person and good husband with the usual niggles about making a mess etc.

I'm just really really sick of compromising with everything in my life. I don't feel like it's my own. For example, I would like a different car because I don't think ours is suitable for our needs (I use the car day in day out with the kids and he commutes by public transport) but he refuses to consider us buying a different car. It's not a cost issue or anything he just refuses to accept it needs to be changed.

I HATE our sofas and have been asking to change them for three years. DH agrees they are not the best but doesn't think they need changed, or doesn't see it as a priority. There's no way I could just pick some myself, he would go nuts.

These are just wee examples but everything in our lives is like this. I can't make decisions without checking with him. I recently let someone borrow a small appliance we don't use, and he was annoyed and said i wasn't to do it again. I was once asked if we could host a family friend overnight and I agreed without checking with him and he was absolutely furious.

I end up being indecisive in case my decisions annoy DH and I just can't make any decisions of my own. Our money is all shared (it's all earned by him) so I don't even really have 'my' money. We have plenty of money and I'm quite frugal anyway so it's not a resource issue. I would just love to have a bit more control over my own life. I think I'm passive and give in easily to avoid conflict.

Every decision has to be joint. Every single one. Is that normal? How do I establish a bit more control over my own life?

OP this sounds so frustrating. It's horrible being controlled isn't it. Your DH clearly likes his own way but if you want to stay together (& especially if you're not sure if you can deal with another 40 years of HIS way...) you may need to consider going back to work so you when up the finances somewhat. Or so that you can afford to leave him and choose your own car / holiday / appliance or house guests.

Thanks for the replies, I'm going to give them a lot of thought.

Over the years I have brought up that I don't feel any decision is mine, and that even 'compromises' are in reality DH getting his own way. He really struggles to see it that way. He is quite a self-reliant person with a strong sense of himself, so he has a strong desire to justify a decision to himself. If it pleases other people or not is a secondary concern. That has served him well in some aspect of life (ie his business) but is hard to live with.

Maybe I am taking small steps already. I had a moment of frustration recently about only ever having grey or white bedsheets and I bought a beautiful intricate floral pattern. DH moaned a bit, but they remain on the bed... I did see that as a victory. It does remind me that everything I buy and show him is caveated with 'it can go back if you don't like it, I have the receipt.' I even do this with my own clothes...

At the moment I have two tiny children and I have enough insight to realise that part of my enjoyment of my lovely kids is the fact I control everything, I choose their clothes, their food, what they do that day. I'm relishing that while I can in the knowledge that very soon they will be more independent. At home I'm 'in charge' of the kids and their stuff so I'm usually telling DH what to do or how to do it and that is unique within our relationship. Everything else is him.

He is, in so many ways, a great DH and father and when we work we well it is great. He is strong and I rely on him as my rock. I just wish he would bend a little sometimes...

I appreciate the responses, thank you all.

Why don't you keep a chart of things you discuss and note who gets their own way in the end...so you can see over a period of a month/six months, you discussed ten serious scenarios, and the compromise was he "won" 9/10 times? Then you can demonstrate what you are saying ?

This sounds like a shit way to live and I feel for all the posters who have said their lives are the same. It’s not normal for one adult to have veto on everything in a relationship, it’s controlling and unnecessary. You weren’t put on this earth to facilitate some bloke’s idea of his perfect life, you’re a person in your own right.

Compromise is picking something you both like or if that’s not possible you can take it in turns, compromise is not putting yourself to the side all the time and going along with what the other person wants as they will be an arsehole if they don’t get their own way.

Sorry some other answers: yes he is motivated by material things. This was not apparent (or maybe wasn't the case?) when we first met but over the years has grown as he has become more successful and high-profile. I am a massively practical person so while I like things that look nice, I don't care about brands or prestige. I grew up very poor and almost always pick the cheapest or best value option... I can see why this would cause DH to veto some decisions of mine.

The question about whether he listens to my veto on joint decisions. Hmm. I rarely veto things tbh. I am a people pleaser and don't like upsetting him. If If I really protested he would listen to that, though. For example, I vetoed some of his baby name suggestions recently.

I wonder if having two small children including a newborn is just compounding my feeling of my life not being my own at the moment and making things seem worse than they actually are?

Thanks again for the replies and support.

This sounds like a communication issue. Look into ways of communicating with your OH, and seek outside help. Best if luck. You have a great life on the outside, but your insides seem in turmoil.

He's not a great husband. He's very controlling and you're blaming yourself for his abusive behaviour. He's brainwashed you into letting him have his own way for so long that you think it's normal. He's not a great father either because he's demonstrating how to control you all the time so your children will see that as normal.

Basically he's abusive which isn't your fault or anything you can change through counselling or communicating better.

Your post describing the bedding and how you always tell him you've kept receipts made me feel sick. It's so similar to the situation I was in with my ex-husband and the thought of living like that again makes me feel ill.

I know it's hard to hear ( especially as you have children) but he won't change. In order to change he would need to admit he's doing something wrong but he doesn't think like that. He won't even be able to comprehend that his way isn't the best way. He might change a little bit for a short amount of time but he will always revert back to type. Believe me, I had 13 years of it.

It was relatively easy for me to walk away as we had no children but I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. Some people didn't understand, as to an outsider it looked like the perfect relationship but lots did get it. One friend referred to it as an emotionally abusive marriage. It shocked me at first but I went online and read up about it and discovered that it was emotional abuse. It makes me very sad to read your posts as I know exactly how you feel. It's draining trying to please him all the time and not make decisions that will displease him.

It wasn't until I met my now DH did I understand the true meaning of partnership. He trusts my judgement and I trust him. The other week I painted our bedroom as a surprise.....I knew he'd love it. I could never do that in my old life. In fact I hated the colours in my old house but I wasn't allowed to make the decision as 'he knew best'

Not sure where the paragraphs went ..

I would be very careful about giving up your professional career for a man like this. You will get more trapped and you will be endlessly reminded that the money is his money.

I haven’t read past the first page, as I wanted to shout that I have a husband like this too! It came to a head when he was away and I dithered about putting up a lampshade in case he didn’t like it. When he came back l had it out with him and it it transpires...he likes getting his own way. Don’t we all but I don’t think he’d realised just what a controlling arse he was being.

So now he knows what he is up to and so do I it makes it much easier for me to insist on my taste sometimes. Has taken a lot of discussion to get there but l think we’ve got there. I have to watch he doesn’t get his own way by stealth by dint of his endless research though.

Do you not like confrontation/ shouting? Does he drive your car at the weekends? If you don't think your car is practical for example, can't you engineer a few situations where he's can experience that. My Mum was a bit like how you e described yourself - my Dad pretty much made all decisions though he would have loved it if she'd had the courage to say what she wanted even if they didn't agree. He's passed away now and she can't decide anything. Bloody frustrating tbh.

My DH sometimes needs guidance as he likes things his way. I'd go and look at sofa's. As you've admitted you tend to choose cheap and practical I am guessing he doesn't like your choices. Your lovely floral bedding probably was better than he thought or he isn't as averse to other things as you feel. So go choose two or three practical but not cheap sofas and ask him to pick one. As you are going to buy a sofa and you'd like him to like it. He might be a bit shocked that you are being decisive but he'll adjust. Good luck.

The question about whether he listens to my veto on joint decisions. Hmm. I rarely veto things tbh. I am a people pleaser and don't like upsetting him

Your answer was what I suspected which is why I asked the question.

I think you’ve got a lot of thinking to do

Mu ExH was like this. Its amazing how what was best for the family always ended up being what was best for him too 🙄

Ive just spent the last three years making the old marital home my home because i realised every single thing about it was decided by him.

What i thought was compromise was actually me following 'the rules' set by him. I could voice my opinion but the sulking, manipulation and downright superior attitude made me aleays end up agreeing with him.

Because I'd initially voiced my opinion he couldn't see how he dictated every decision we made. It was, i see now, emotional and finacial abuse.

Be careful though as in my experience once you do start being a bit more forceful you then become the reason why a wonderful marriage begins to break down.

Ynless the other person is willing to

Here’s how compromise and joint decision making works in our house.

I really want something, say it to DH and if he doesn’t feel strongly I get exactly what I want. Same in reverse.

I (or he) really want something but he has an opinion or vision about it that differs. This is only stuff that affects both of us like a sofa. We discuss and usually one of us either convinces the other or it’s clear that one of us cares and wants X style more than the other wants Y style so the person who wants Y compromises.

We have never fought about stuff and looking around I can see many things that were my choice and many that were his. Though we do have a shared vision for our home/life which helps.

Pressed too soon...
Unless the other person is willing to see what's happening nothing will chamge.

Dh has much stronger opinions than me on lots of things, and the decor stuff rings a real bell with me. He has lovely taste in things, and has more time than me, so loves nothing more than going to IKEA and rearranging a room and then going ‘ta da!’ And revealing a fait accompli. Now these things always look great, but I’ve started to get cross because i never get a choice in anything. It’s also paralysed my own decision making skills, I struggle to choose things I like now, because I lack confidence in my own taste. I think he’s massively influenced by his parents who live in a stunning house which basically looks like a cross between a showhome, an auctioneers showroom and John Lewis however they are retired, had big inheritances and I know for certain having seen photos from his childhood that their house didn’t always look like it! Also his mum is an amazing cook, who used to teach at a cookery college. Her food is incredible. But. Most. People. Don’t. Eat. Like. That. Every. Day. It’s been tricky getting him to understand that sometimes food is just fuel, and fish fingers and waffles one night a week when there’s loads going on is not the end of the world. However in his defence he couldn’t give two hoots what I drive/wear/buy/do etc etc so I have absolute control of my own life the vast majority of the time. There are just a couple of areas where I think WTF and have to remind him that we are a team and need to make these decisions together.

Is MN the home of bad relationships?

The thing with materialistic people is that it isn’t just about taste, it’s about image. He sees the image that you project out to the world (and has convinced you of it too) is tatty, cheap and tasteless. His image to other people on what is deemed tasteful and in keeping with his high profile has nothing to do with preferences (like loving the colour grey...) it is that he has art ideas of what other people think of his life. And it’s just that he doesn’t believe you have any need to express your personality or preferences... and I imagine in more ways than one. Does he scoff when you talk to his friends or work colleagues? Tell you that you embarrassed him at events?

His image is more important than you being happy or having any say. He sees your needs or wants as very unimportant in his grand success scheme. It sounds like your home whilst lovely is completely devoid of any personality of your own and that is sad. It isn’t like visitors will be looking at your bedding which is even worse as your bedroom should be somewhere you like being in private

This sounds like my DH. I was a fiercely independent single mum when I met him so all of a sudden having to consult with someone before big purchases and decisions has been really hard for me! Even 10 years later...

People are slating him but give the guy a break!

He may not understand the depth of upset his actions are having in his wife. It is up to the op to convey just how upset she is

This doesn’t have to be a marriage breaker!

Not sure I’d want to downgrade my high end SUV for a cheaper car. I don’t think he is necessarily unreasonable for not wanting to either

More like you both should have picked the car together.

Dh is the higher earner here and picked an expensive car. I’d rather he picked a cheaper one but he’s got to have some say over his high wage. However I get to pick all home stuff. I always consult him though and it’s unlikely I’d ever proceed if he didn’t like something

Got be the guy a break?? Are you serious?

Do you think it's normal for someone to go nuts because their partner lent someone something they don't even use? Because a family friend has been invited to stay? To feed your kids a limited diet because you can only eat food your partner likes? To keep receipts for your clothes to return if your partner doesn't like them?

If you think this is acceptable then you need to up your standards.

Your thread title is misleading OP, you are not compromising, you are acquiescing on every decision by the sounds of it. DH and I rarely compromise, we sort of take turns making decisions, so that at least one of us gets what they want. Compromise often means neither partner gets what they want. My DM is an 'anything for a quiet life' kind of woman so her husband always gets his own way. Consequently she is very resentful and deeply melancholic. Your husband sounds very controlling, he may not mean to be but you need to have this out with him.

I'm not sure he fully understands either, I suspect I may be slightly like your husband.

For example we just bought a huge soundbar for the tv. Joint decision. My husband says "why don't we sit it on one of the old stools upstairs in front of thr tv"". My response was "don't be daft, put it on one of the shelves under the tv, why would we have an old stool sitting in front of the tv". He responded with "just once maybe you'll agree with my idea".

But my view is his idea was daft. He's shite at home decor. On the other hand I recognise it's his home too, and if he wants a sound bar orecariously balanced on a stool in front of the tv, should I really veto it

So as much as the big decisions we do make together, there is an element of me controlling certain aspects of our life and I would guess that's the home decor one.

He would have likely vetoed or otherwise pooh pooed her choice of car. after all this is all about power and control with OPs needs being secondary to his, if they at all figure which they do not.

Your people pleasing nature (and who also taught you to people please, your own mother for instance?) is also an ideal foil to an abusive person like this man is and he will and has indeed taken full advantage. I would think very carefully about your own future within this relationship because it really is not looking at all good here.

And no he is neither a good dad to his children if he can and does treat you like this. Women in poor relationships too often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man.