Just so sick of compromising in life.

[PawneeToday]

I've been married for nearly ten years, got married quite young to an equally young chap. We've had our ups and downs but a generally happy life and have two small children. DH is a nice person and good husband with the usual niggles about making a mess etc.

I'm just really really sick of compromising with everything in my life. I don't feel like it's my own. For example, I would like a different car because I don't think ours is suitable for our needs (I use the car day in day out with the kids and he commutes by public transport) but he refuses to consider us buying a different car. It's not a cost issue or anything he just refuses to accept it needs to be changed.

I HATE our sofas and have been asking to change them for three years. DH agrees they are not the best but doesn't think they need changed, or doesn't see it as a priority. There's no way I could just pick some myself, he would go nuts.

These are just wee examples but everything in our lives is like this. I can't make decisions without checking with him. I recently let someone borrow a small appliance we don't use, and he was annoyed and said i wasn't to do it again. I was once asked if we could host a family friend overnight and I agreed without checking with him and he was absolutely furious.

I end up being indecisive in case my decisions annoy DH and I just can't make any decisions of my own. Our money is all shared (it's all earned by him) so I don't even really have 'my' money. We have plenty of money and I'm quite frugal anyway so it's not a resource issue. I would just love to have a bit more control over my own life. I think I'm passive and give in easily to avoid conflict.

Every decision has to be joint. Every single one. Is that normal? How do I establish a bit more control over my own life?

I found this quite hard to read as it was exactly like my xh. I remember describing it as having to make a presentation of my ideas if I wanted anything and he would judge whether or not it was ok. He described this as compromise.

If he wanted something badly and I didn't, he bought it anyway ( including, as it happens, the sofa).

💐 for you op. In the end it sucked the joy out of it being my home.

I can’t really say anything else but I do know that it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not just what it’s like being in a couple. When we’re getting some big purchase and I want a particular item and my husband wants a different one there is not one person who always “gives in” sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s him. I’m just telling you that because if it’s what you know it might be hard to imagine things being different.

OP, if you can't get your husband to compromise then you need to work on saying no.

We like strong women on here and applaud bravery and strength. Put your foot down OP and she him who is boss. He won't like it, but don't give in.

Nadia what a patronising and totally unhelpful comment.

This really resonates with me right now as my DH behaves in a very similar way and it is dawning on me how controlling his behaviour has become and how much I do not like it.

We have been together for 9 years now, married for 8, and in the past 18 months or so he has become incredibly miserable, angry and obsessed with money. So much so that I am not allowed to go food shopping alone as I cannot be trusted not to spend a fortune apparently.
I am also unable to drive as we "cannot afford the insurance" so he has to ferry me and the kids everywhere whilst complaining loudly. There are so many more instances that I now do not recognise the man I married and I do not like the man he has become...

I fear that the worm has turned and I now think it is not an "if" but a "when" my marriage breaks down.

Sorry I don't have any advice OP, just know that you're not alone in facing this sort of situation.

You aren't compromising. You are being told what to do and you are doing it. When you protest you get anger. You are being controlled. Your H sounds like a bully and very narrow minded, not giving you credit or respect for being an individual with needs.

Your home is your environment too. If you want to lend something out, you should. If you want a family member stay you should be able to discuss and agree a convenient time and length of stay for members of both families.

I'm independent, live in my own house, do and buy whatever I want and could not bear to live being told what to do by someone who alleges to love me yet diminishes me at every opportunity. My ex tried to tell me what I could and couldn't wear, told me I could have no holiday with a friend, withheld his wages causing the family untold stress and unhappiness....I told him to leave and have since rejoiced in my freedom for many years.

I would suggest this matter is sorted out between you both as it is a deal breaker in the long term. You are already fed up to the back teeth with living this half life.